Road Hazards: Being a Guide for New Car Buyers Owners & Drivers

By John W. Bauman

We'd just bought a station wagon. It was a beauty. We packed the kids in it and took off for my parents' house. It was a grey, rainy day, but the road, in this stretch, was straight and reasonably wide. I could see the truck in its great cloud of spray coming in the other lane, and quite far ahead. The kids were playing in the back as it got closer. When it was almost on us, a red Mustang suddenly materialized in the spray cloud. It headed straight at us, and fast. I now think, though I'm not sure, that the three of us, the truck, the Mustang and the station wagon must have adjusted somehow. There was no crash.

I drove on for about thirty seconds. I was cool and steady that whole time. The road was clear, but I lost control. I had to stop. My hands were too wet, my heart was bouncing. My body shaking. I looked at my wife. She was white, stiff.

For the first time in my life I realized how truly dangerous driving could be.

Since that adventure there have been many others on the roadways I travelled since retirement. All are far less frightening. And most of them stirred up some anger. The guy who backed into my little Austin-Healey. And the young woman (a Tonka) who never even looked at me as she made a left turn from the right lane next to me. There were more. I was beginning to consioder driving a matter of personal combat. There were signs, my wife said. I had better do something. I didn't, but the idea in the "disclaimer" came to me. It has helped.

I believe I've adapted somewhat, and my blood pressure is staying down pretty well. It seems to be working for me. Try it.

And some of the remedies we've suggested are even sort of rewarding.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jun 8, 1999
• ISBN: 9781453565650

John W. Bauman

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Copyright © by John W. Bauman.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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Contents

DISCLAIMER

THE DRIVERLESS MASTODON

THE TONKA FERRARI

THE RHINOCEROS

ROAD SIGNS

THE TELEPHANATIC

HALLOWEEN

THE SIDEWINDER

THE BOFFO BRONCO

THE KNIGHT OF THE ROAD

THE BRAZEN DARTER

THE ILLEGAL ALIENS

THE MERRIMAC

GEARING UP AND GILDING

EPILOGUE

BIO

ABOUT THE CONTENT

TO MY BROTHER GEORGE (USMC—RET.)

WHOSE IDEAS AND WIT I HAVE BORROWED,

AND WHICH APPEAR ON SEVERAL OF THESE PAGES,

AND TO MY SISTER BARBARA

WHO ALWAYS THOUGHT

THERE WAS SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT ME.

DISCLAIMER

The contents of this treatise are not intended to be an indictment of the product of any auto maker. Their purpose is, just as the title indicates, solely to assist new drivers or new owners of automobiles in recognizing some of the hazards of the roadways, and to so help them to preserve themselves and their possession, whether it be new or only loved.

Nor are these words meant to indict some of the people who contribute to the hazard. They are, it seems to us, somewhat like Billy the Kid. Some of us remember, of course, that the young William Bonney was just a sort of wild kid. Not really a threat to anybody. That is, in his early days. Before he was introduced to that Colt 44. Some say, as a matter of fact, that he was a really nice kid. They even tell stories, you know, like how he’d always tip his hat to ladies, and escort little kids across the roads and stuff like that.

But there was something about that piece, though, that kindled a feeling in him. It was as though the two of them were meant for each other. By itself the Colt had good qualities just as Billy did. You could use it to your advantage if there were rattlesnakes around, for example, or if there was a coyote at the hen house door. It even had some commendable qualities, too. It was relatively light weight, for example, a lot lighter than a Marlin or a Henry, you can bet. And certainly not as cumbersome, you can bet on that too.

These days, though, as history has told us, we recognize that however good these two might have been by themselves, when Billy the Kid and the Colt did get together, they were big trouble. Big, big trouble. As you well know.

And so it is with some cars and their drivers, we think.

0371-BAUM-cleaned-10.jpg

THE DRIVERLESS MASTODON

( Languidus impedimentis )

One hazard that you’re sure to meet up with sooner or later is the MASTODON. One of these is shown here in one of its usual habitats. MASTODONS can be easily recognized because they are all huge. And they are almost always old models. Secondly, and most importantly, they are always slow moving. Very slow. Thirdly, and lastly, no driver can be detected, especially if you approach one from the rear. Anything you encounter that has these three characteristics you can be sure it’s a MASTODON.

Habitat:

The habitat presented in our illustration is , by no means, its common or usual habitat. The illustration does, however, identify the threat they pose to you in most of their habitats. MASTODONS are always found on roads or streets where passing is prohibited by the width of the road, or by its curves, or wherever visibility of what lies ahead is seriously limited, or even by legal constraints like double lines and signs that say No Passing. In addition to the rural setting shown in the illustration where they are assisted by the double line and signs, these are often encountered on city streets, where they can be assisted by the other features that give them absolute command of their lane. They are often found near shopping malls where thet