Reflections of a Self-Made Man

By Doug Smith

Through these pages youll experience two very true and meaningful
love stories. Ive seen love from both sides now. That doesnt mean in
winning or losing. In both of these encounters of the heart I dont consider
either one as a loss. Carol taught me how to open up my heart and receive
love unconditionally. I loved her with my total being. Charlotte proves to
me every day that she loves me unconditionally. Both of these incredible
women had and have my heart in nothing less than total commitment.
You will also experience a victory over a life long and very personal
issue. Gender disorders are very serious in nature; for they are fooling
with Mother Nature. We exist with invisible birth defects that are very
visible to us. Some of us dont make it to the victory party of our bodys
emergence. Some of us try to cut out the parts that shouldnt be there.
Many die, or try to escape with drugs or alcohol.
Ive told the story with my usual sense of humor, honesty and passion
for life. These are all very important traits that have helped me survive
during my journey. Now Im looking to the future with a new body and
name, more fi tting to my heart, soul and spirit.
Some people may not agree with what I have done. I challenge them
to read Refl ections with an open heart and mind, imagining themselves
in my shoes walking down the same path.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 27, 2010
• ISBN: 9781462823628

Doug Smith

I was born to Scottish parents (my mother, Sheila, and my father, Bill) in Newfoundland, Canada, where my (now-late) father was a pilot. I have one older brother, Bill, who is married to my sister-in-law, Doreen, and together they have two lovely daughters, my beautiful nieces Sara and Leanne. I was born with spina bifida and hydrocephalus. When I was born, my consultant told my parents that I would only live a very short time. How short? Between three and six months. Hah! I fooled ’em! After almost five decades, guess what? Yep, I am still here! And I am not going anywhere. Unless it is on a cruise ship, of course! However, I am truly grateful to my mother and father for bringing me back to Scotland and to the medical staff (surgeons, anesthetists, doctors, and nurses) at Aberdeen Royal Infirmary. It is with thanks to their expertise and care that almost five decades later I am still here today. Back in 2006, I was in a bad place. I had no job, no money, and no prospects. I decided to go back to college, not just to better myself but also to better my self-esteem, my qualifications, and my prospects of getting a job. I studied for an HNC (Higher National Certificate) in travel and tourism at Aberdeen College in the northeast of Scotland. After completing my HNC in 2007, I was very fortunate that I had the opportunity to work in the cruise industry. I worked for a major cruise company as a reservations cruise consultant. This sounds posh and exciting. It definitely is not posh, but it can be very exciting. It involved selling cruise holidays for some fantastic cruise lines to travel agents and the general public alike. I also conducted cruise ship tours for groups of able-bodied guests, as well as those with disabilities, showing them around some of the magnificent ships when they were in port.

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Copyright © 2010 by Doug Smith.

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Contents

First Steps to My Life’s Path

Crazy? You Decide

God Had a Different Plan!

The Long Road Home

If I Could Love and Be Loved

Bonding of a True Love

Texas-Style Time-Sharing

Our Wedding

The Chapter I Could Have Done Without

Dealing with My Inner Feelings

Sharing A Condo In Vegas

Carol’s Vacation

Carol’s Six-Hour Operation

The Good Times

Doctors, Integrity, and Lies

The Strength of Carol’s Spirit

Putting the Pieces Back Together

Trip of a Lifetime or Trip to Hell?

Out of the Frying Pan, into the Fire

Internet Interlude

True Colors

Starting Over Again

Yes, David, I Do Want You to Be Happy

Why Do They Call Him Debbie?

Aftermath of Hurricane David

Foolish Love Letters

Lie-Detector Test?

Everyone Has an Opinion

Someone Dumped Me! Take Me Home with You Please!

No!

I Called the Toast Truck

This is the Ladies’ Locker Room!

Off to Another Post

Mega Overtime

I Drove All Night

Lordsburg, New Mexico

The Only Man I’ve Ever Loved

Military Funeral

Name and Gender Change

The Loss of Marie

Farewell Internet Princess

More Lies, David?

To Internet or Not to Internet?

Confession Time. I Do Have A Conscious!

This Is the Woman I Want to Spend Forever with

Equipment Check, Reality Check!

No Time-Out Now, Operations Full Speed Ahead.

Sweet Knees Is There When I Open My Eyes

Preparations For Our Wedding

We Got Hitched!

Change, Catalyst to Understanding One Another

Dedication

This book is dedicated to many people who have made an impact in my journey through life. First of all, it is dedicated to Carol who taught me so much about life and love. Without her love, this book might not have been possible. I wouldn’t be the same person that I am today. She put me on the right path to my eventual development and to fully knowing my inner self.

A special thank-you goes to my parents for their understanding and support. They both opened up their hearts and home to me when I needed it the most. I know that my dad is now in heaven, watching me and reading over my shoulder as I type the pages. He was always an avid reader. Thanks to my mom who was the perfect wife for my dad. They had years of happiness together. This book is dedicated to my real friends who were able to lend support and let me bend their ears a wee bit. This book is dedicated to my friend Kathy who is now visiting Carol in heaven. She always would listen and try to understand me. Without my friend John Ajuma, this book wouldn’t have been published for he gave me this computer to type endlessly on. To my coworkers, field-service managers, and the branch manager who called me Doug when we got back from Louisiana, thanks for understanding. A very special thanks to my cats Tom and Whoopie who would perch themselves in front of my keyboard, or sometimes walk on the keys, trying to help. Last but not least, a very special thank-you to Charlotte. Charlotte has given me the inspiration to complete this book. She will be my wife soon, contributing endless chapters along our path throughout our life together. She fully understands me and has been there for me through every step of the way to completion.

My life wouldn’t have been the same without her encouragement, understanding, and love. Perhaps Carol came into my life to teach me how to love fully and accept love in return. Carol didn’t really want me to change in her lifetime but would want me to be happy. After my becoming a self-made man, I’m very gracious to the two very loving and courageous women who have helped mold me, not only into a man, but a true gent of a man.

Thanks to all who have helped along the way.

Doug Smith

First Steps to My Life’s Path

Most of the experts would say that this journey started shortly after birth. Perhaps that’s true. But to me, I embarked on this journey at thirty-three years old. Yes, I’ve always been known as a late bloomer. I was an intern in legal law and thought I knew the criminal mind and how it worked. I knew that they try to hide the real person inside from their family and friends, not wishing to divulge the bad side of their personality. This results in a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde playing tug-of-war with their souls.

To my friends, though, as I was to find out in the future, I was easy to take advantage of and easy to fool. But that is getting way ahead of the story, so right now I’ll just stick to the facts. I was sent to interview a mother and her little boy who had been run over by a man escaping from a liquor-store robbery. Being partial to children, I was taken aback by the scene in the hospital. Johnny was in a full-body cast from the ankle all the way to his hip area. Also both of his arms were in casts. There was a big lump in my throat as I croaked out the words, Hello there, Johnny. I then nodded to his mother and said, Mrs. Davidson, I’m Debbie Smith from the law firm of Stolpman-Burns and Myers. I’m very sorry that we have to meet under these circumstances. Did you get a good look at the suspect? Johnny piped up, I did. He had long brown hair and a mustache. He was driving a red Ford Mustang. Thank you, Johnny. Mrs. Davidson, do you have anything to add to that like the license number or any other information? Mrs. Davidson said that the license plates was from another state and read XTR-590. She said they were green with white lettering.

I reassured Mrs. Davidson that the police were doing all they could and that an APB was already out on the license and model of the car. I then went to Johnny and looked down at him. I then said, Well, Johnny, you don’t have to wonder about what to be for Halloween. He looked up at me with his eyes wide. What will I be? he said, in a strong boyish voice. I smiled and winked at him. Well, with the body cast, you look just like the Pillsbury doughboy. He giggled and said, Yeah, Mom, that’s what I’ll be, the doughboy. I then thanked Johnny and his mother for the interview. I told Johnny that I hoped he would be riding his bike again soon and that he was a fast healer. I then shook hands with his mother and left the hospital.

Hospitals were not my favorite places. I remember being in one as a five-year-old and scared stiff. I do remember why I was there and what they were doing to me, I didn’t like. I was extremely terrified. My dad wasn’t there, and neither was my mom. It took three nurses to hold me down while the doctors worked on me. So I hated hospitals; and seeing Johnny there in the bed, my heart went out to him. I wanted to do all I could to help put the man who had done this behind bars. I wanted him to be held liable for the medical expenses and maybe more. Johnny and his mom deserved that much. I knew that she was divorced from her husband and trying to make a good life for Johnny and herself. She needed all the help that she could get. She would have to take some time off of work to care for him or hire extra day care to help. I knew that the hospital bills were going to be humongous. She had insurance, but the bills would still be a considerable amount of money. I was always looking out for the underdog. We had her address and took up a collection from the office. As it was not only the office staff contributed, but some of the other offices in the building and the cafeteria staff. All totaled we collected $3,000 for Mrs. Davidson and Johnny.

In the meantime, our work was cut out for us in bringing this case to justice. The police finally came up with a lead, followed it, and caught him red-handed. He was robbing another liquor store in Los Angeles driving the same car still with the dent from hitting Johnny and his bike. Yes, there was celebration at the office the day we heard the news of his capture. Everyone in the firm wanted this guy behind bars. We just knew not to be appearing to eager and sure of ourselves. We got all the information we could from both cashiers who had been on duty at both liquor stores. We had the videotape of him threatening the cashiers at gunpoint. For the time, we had him behind bars, and that is where we wanted him to stay.

Finally the day of the trial was here. I was excited but knew that I had to be cautious, and not nervous. Since I was too close to Johnny and his Mother, I was to help in the questioning of the cashiers in the middle portion of the trial. I waited patiently for the opening statements to be read by our side first. Then the defense attorney would plead his lines for the accused. Innocent until proven guilty. I found myself wondering just how an attorney could defend someone he knew was guilty as the day is long then go home to his family and sleep at night. This was supposed to be an honorable profession, or so I thought at that time in my life. I enjoyed what I was doing. I didn’t ever think that would change.

Yes, the victory against the robber was ours. He was to spend at least ten years in jail. They had found some other offenses on his record. This was before the infamous three-strike ruling in California went into effect. Johnny’s mother never did find out who sent her the money. Johnny was riding a new bike before the Fourth of July of the next year. He was a fast healer but was more cautious in crossing the street.

I was kept very busy at work but still found time for a little private life every once in a while. Sometimes I would get wild and go out on the town to unwind. I also found time to do some research that I would need in starting the journey of my lifetime. Yes, the long hike that was most important in my life. For without seeing it through, I never would really have a life. I would never be able to fully be myself. This had been eating at me all my life for as long as I could remember. I couldn’t talk to Brad at work about it, my parents, or even close friends. Brad wanted to date me. That was so obviously sickening to me. I guess he was OK looking and everything, but he wasn’t my type. Sometimes he would follow me around like a puppy. I kept telling him that I didn’t date anyone from the office. He didn’t listen to me.

I just had to talk to Rob about it. We had been dating for a while and getting pretty close. We were close enough for me to share what I had learned through my research. I called and made a dinner date for that evening. Rob, how about coming over for dinner after bowling tonight, and then maybe something to keep you busy afterward? Rob answered, Sounds great. I didn’t know how to breach this subject. I didn’t know how the news was going to be handled. I was bursting at the seams to find out. This could make or break our relationship. Bowling was great, and our team won three games plus total pins. I was very nervous and told Rob that I wanted to go to a bar and out dancing for a while before going to my place for dinner. Rob said, My, you’re real nervous, anything wrong? I answered, Well, there is something that I need to tell you. But it has to be the right time and place. Rob said, Well, okay then, I don’t have to be at work till ten tomorrow, let’s go dance. I’ll loosen you up. We went to our favorite place. I ordered a Seagram’s 7 with 7 Up. I pulled Rob to the dance floor. We danced fast and slow dances and some in between. It didn’t matter to me as long as I could think about how I was going to crack the ice and unveil the subject that I needed to. This was not a subject that you just throw in someone’s face. This was certainly a private matter that had been prevalent all my life. At least to me, it had. I tried to handle it the best that I could. I didn’t let very many people close to me. I thought that would help. But it didn’t, it only made me very lonely and sad.

I told Rob again that we would talk at dinner. I had dinner all made. All it needed was to be warmed up and a salad made. I opened the bottle of wine and sat the plates down by the fireplace. Rob said, Now, Debbie, talk to me. What is bothering you so much? I said quietly, No, I promise I will tell you after dinner. Rob didn’t say anything more about it. We ate dinner in almost total silence. Then we did the dishes very quietly. After we were done, I took Rob into the bedroom. We sat down on the bed. I took Rob’s hands in mine and looked at our hands together. Rob said quietly, Now tell me what is wrong. I told Rob to hold me. We held each other for what seemed like an eternity. I said very softly, Now, Robin, have you ever known me to be crazy? She looked at me and said, No, why did someone call you that? I said, No, but when I tell you, even you might say it. She said, No, I won’t, try me. I said, Robin, I don’t want you to laugh at me. This has been bothering me all my life, and now I’ve found the solution to accomplish what I need to do to be truly happy, to be myself. Robin said, Now tell me, I promise I won’t call you crazy or laugh. I took a very deep breath, held it for a while, and started talking real fast, as if the words would catch on fire if I didn’t get them out quickly. I said, Robin, I’m going for counseling tomorrow for a sex change. Robin’s eyes got wide in disbelief. She shrieked. What did you just say? She started laughing! Yeah right, Debbie, you had me going for a while. This is one of your jokes, right? Then she saw that I wasn’t laughing or smiling, but tears were starting to fill my eyes instead. I said, No, this isn’t any joke!!! I’m serious as a heart attack. She looked long and hard at me, shaking her head and trying to collect her thoughts. Then she screamed at me. Debbie, if you do this, you are crazy. Well, I guess that puts our relationship as well as our friendship in the dumpster. I said, Robin, it doesn’t have to, we won’t have to hide our relationship. What relationship? You are crazy. She started getting her things together to leave. Don’t try and stop me! she screamed as she headed for the door. She left me sitting there. I started after her but saw the look she gave me. I wasn’t afraid of her, just very hurt that she was taking it this way. No, I wasn’t hurt; a more accurate description would be total depression starting at the head and working downwards all the way to my toes. I burst into a spasm of hot tearful torrents that didn’t stop until my puppy started licking my face. Yes, fella, I guess you’re the one who cares about me, don’t ya, boy? He gave me another lick. Well, boy, you know I can’t change my plans for anything or anyone. This is my life. I’ve got to do this for my future. I won’t be fully myself until I do this. Willie was part Rottweiler and part German shepherd mixture. He had big feet that the rest of his body was beginning to grow into. He looked up at me with eyes of love, as if it didn’t matter what I did; he’d still love me. I smiled at his cute face, still that of a puppy, and whispered softly in his ear. Thanks, Willie, you’re my boy! Thanks for being you, little guy. Sometimes I think you’re the only one who understands me. He just gave me another wet reassuring lick.

Crazy? You Decide

Well, finally the day of reckoning came. I had to face what I knew to be true once and for all time. I steadied my nerves and marched into the therapist’s office. I really didn’t believe in shrinks, as they were called then. I wanted to be able to be able to figure out things myself. Finding solutions was my way of dealing with problems. But I knew that in this situation, I needed help to follow the guidelines set forth by the Harry Benjamin standards of care that my brothers and sisters before me had to follow. So I too must jump through the hoops as they had done. The therapist’s name was Linda. I could tell that she had been a recipient of the surgery herself, but in reverse of what I wanted. I was not there to judge for I was the one to be judged. She seemed nice enough to me and spoke in a gentle tone that put me at ease. I told her that I appreciated the fact that she made me feel less nervous.

Linda started out by saying, Well, you’re here because you wish to have gender reassignment surgery. Welcome to the family… But it’s not as easy as all that. Your case has to be put under a microscope, so to speak. I didn’t like the idea. But at this point, I was willing to do almost anything in order to get this done and on with my life as I wanted it to be. That was of course as a man and not a woman. I had been in the gay lifestyle for twelve years. I had been with my first lover for eight years. I knew that I was in no way attracted to men. Yes, I had been with some. I could slow dance stark naked with one and not feel excited. The effect was totally the opposite with a female. I was smart enough to know that this was not a sexual problem but that of dealing with my own self-identity. Even in the past, my stepmom said that I was never a female child, but a boy. Yes, she tried to fight it and sent me to modeling school. She made me take courses in home economics in high school instead of courses I would rather take.

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Linda said, Would you like me to call you Debbie or by another name you’ve chosen for yourself? I answered, I guess you can call me Doug since that would have been my name if I was born as a male. Actually it would have been Douglas, but I don’t like the ending. Kind of reminds me of a snooty rich kid. Doug just sounds more down-to-earth and guylike. Linda continued, So what makes you think you need a sex change? I answered truthfully, Ever since I was little, I just knew that I should have been born a boy. I remember when I was four years old, I was bundled in a snowsuit. One of the kids’ mother asked me if I was a little girl or boy. I didn’t tell her but instead just grinned up at her and said, Guess. She guessed a boy! I was overjoyed and didn’t tell her any differently. When I was six years old, my dad caught me shaving just like I had seen him do many times. He took the razor away from me and yelled at me never to do that again. I was devastated. I really wanted to be much like him. Linda asked, Doug, did you like your mother? I didn’t want to share the information that came next. Slowly I said, Yes, I did, but I don’t have very good memories of her. She had a nervous breakdown when I was about five years old. Things weren’t right with her after that. Linda inquired like I knew she would, Oh, in what ways, Doug? Reluctantly, I answered her question, Well, she tried to kill me by hitting and slapping me in the head and pounding on my back and shoulders. One of her friends stopped her and called my dad who was out of town on a business trip. Another time she told the police that my dad had molested and raped me. I had to be put in the hospital for them to check if any damage had been done. My dad never did that. I could have told them that, but they had to be sure. I remember it took three nurses to hold me down while the doctor worked. Linda looked at me for a while then asked, Doug, don’t you think that you feel this way because of your mother? I responded honestly, "No, Linda, I don’t because even though I was young then, I knew that my mother was sick and didn’t blame her for anything that she did. She even tried to take me away from my dad by driving from Ohio to Boston, Massachusetts, without having a driver’s license. I was young, but I knew that she didn’t drive because of the medicine she was supposed to be taking. My dad had the police put out an APB on us. Finally, we were found in Pennsylvania. I was real scared but glad when they took my mom to the hospital to get the help that she needed. No, I don’t feel that had anything to do with it because I felt this way at age four. That was before she had the breakdown. I haven’t seen her since I was eight years old.

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I went through elementary school, junior high, and high school without her, and I still felt the same."

Linda was writing down some notes. I continued after she stopped writing. Junior high and high school were awful. I wanted to be dating the girls and on the football, basketball, or baseball teams. I went through college, finally devouring my studies to get where I could earn enough money to accomplish what I knew I needed to do. I want and need desperately to do this. I need the hormones and the surgery. Linda continued, Doug, you said your stepmom never saw you as a girl when you were growing up. Did you like her? Did you have a good relationship with her? I said, I tried to, and I believe she tried with me, but I know it’s hard accepting someone else’s child. That’s hard enough, but add a gender-confused nine-year-old to the mix, and there is bound to be problems. She started out by telling me how sick my mother was and all my relatives on her side of the family. I knew my mom was sick. She didn’t have to tell me that. I knew that. I had to go visit her when she was in the hospital. That was hard. She wasn’t telling me anything that I didn’t already know. But I just sat there quietly and let her speak her mind. Children were supposed to be seen and not heard from. I didn’t react to her spouting off.

That’s when Linda asked me if my stepmom had children of her own. I answered, Yes, a boy and a girl. They were perfect and could do no wrong. They were even gifted, and I was almost an idiot in her book. Linda gasped, She told you that? Quickly I said, Yes, and every chance she got she reminded me that I wasn’t her child. After I helped her all week to get the party ready for my stepsister’s rehearsal dinner for her wedding. I was helping her with the dishes, and she said, ‘When you get married, we will have a party for you, but it won’t be as big as Ben’s or Lorrie’s because you’re not my real daughter.’

Linda wrote some notes again then asked, What did you do then, Doug? I responded quietly but as best I could. I didn’t react but went into my bedroom and cried. I then thought to myself that it didn’t matter anyway because by then, I knew that I didn’t want to marry a man, so what difference did it make anyway? It didn’t matter what she said to me. I wasn’t going to react. After a while, I learned to kind of tune her out. Linda asked me, Yes, but you still felt the hurt, didn’t you? I said, "Yes, of course I did, but after a while, it didn’t hurt as much. I had to grow up much quicker in a lot of ways but slower in the social arena, if you know what I mean. I did date a couple of boys in high school.

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I did an experiment with myself and found the best-looking so-called hunk that I could and slow danced stark naked with him. If I got aroused, there was hope for me after all. I wasn’t excited until I envisioned myself doing the same thing with a woman. In my vision, I was leading. Yes, he got aroused, and it kind of backfired on me like that. I did find out a whole lot of information in the process. To me, though, it was just a guy-to-guy thing. I wasn’t turned on.

Linda said, Doug, I see why you like to solve your problems by yourself. You’ve had to be pretty private all your life. Even with the information you disclosed to me about your mother. Yes, I did have to live pretty much quietly, keeping things hidden from friends and even family. A lot of kids would have teased me to no end. Add my gender problem to that, and I’d be at the mercy of anyone who wished to prove themselves superior. Doug, did you get along with your stepbrother and sister? I answered honestly, Heavens no! The first Christmas we were together, my stepbrother said that he was going to bless me with a present of rocks, dirt, and sticks. I kept telling him that he wasn’t going to do that in hopes that my dad and stepmom would prevent him from doing so. My real mom had been involved in the Cleveland playhouse and had done quite a lot of acting. I guess I picked up on some of her talent because instead of carrying on and crying like a baby, I pretended like he had given me a ton of gold. I wasn’t allowed to take any form of acting class in school for fear that I turn out like my mom. She was supposed to have gotten too much wrapped up in the characters she had been playing; and supposedly, that is what made her have the breakdown. My dad once told me that she had been very talented. She had so much concentration on stage that an elephant could have walked across the floor, and she’d remain in character. I knew deep down inside that it wouldn’t have worked out very well, anyway, for I would have been better suited for the male roles than the female roles. Doug, did you wear makeup in high school? No, to me, I look like a guy in drag with makeup on, and I don’t mean a drag queen, either. So I never had a lot of girl friends that I would talk to about makeup, guys, and dating. It wouldn’t have made any sense. I’d want to be dating them, not guys, and certainly not with dresses on, makeup, and high heels. I never wore a dress unless I had to. Wearing a dress to me was like a torture sentence. It just didn’t seem natural. When I was a junior in high school and my stepsister a senior, we had a father-daughter dance. Even though her father lived close by, my dad took my stepsister instead of me. We didn’t have to wear dresses, and most of the girls didn’t. So I had to stay at home. My stepmom said that we’d have another dance next year when I was a senior. We didn’t. I always sensed that my dad had a hard time getting close to me. I think he knew that I had a gender issue. I knew, though, that I wasn’t going to be the one to bring the subject up. So, Linda, am I crazy or what.

She answered quickly, No, you’re not crazy… I’ll tell you something that I don’t tell most of my clients on their first visit. There are some people that have too many of the opposite chromosomes in the brain between the eighth to the twenty-fourth week of the mother’s pregnancy. So let’s say, as in your case, that your body is female. With the male chromosomes in the brain outnumbering female chromosomes, the result is that the brain is wired to the male perspective instead of female. Scientists have done research on this and conducted experiments. If this happens, the brain can’t be rewired, but the body can be altered with hormone therapy and surgery. This results in a more accurate and correct identity for the person that is gender dysphoric. You are not crazy, but you have had many things in your life that could have made you weaken. But you’ve managed to find solutions that work for you. For that reason, I’m not going to waste any more of your time. I’m giving you the name of a doctor in Los Angeles that will prescribe the testosterone for you and adjust it accordingly as your level goes up. When she said that, my heart started skipping beats. Thank you, I gasped. I couldn’t believe it. I was so overjoyed. She wrote down the information for me. I thanked her again, and I was off like a shot. I made the appointment for Monday of the next week. I would have made it for the very next day, but he didn’t have a slot open for appointments. So I had one more day of work this week then off for the weekend. Finally I would be able to start my life and live it the way that I wanted to, not the way that other people thought I should, but the way I wanted it. I knew that it was going to take two to four years to complete the hormone process; and even then, I would have to take them for the rest of my life. I knew that I’d have to continue counseling, and it would take months to heal from the surgeries. Yes, she was right; the end result would be that I would emerge a whole person and not an in-between. My body would finally match my inner heart, soul, and spirit. I was overjoyed, and nothing could bring me down from this feeling. The feeling I’m referring to is euphoria to the max. I never felt this close to living my identity, and it truly was a wonderful experience. The adrenaline was pumping. I felt on top of the world. The next day was going to be a casual-clothes workday on the job. I decided that I’d ride my bike to work. I wanted to use some of that pent-up energy in a good way. I also planned on working out after work at the twenty-four-hour fitness where I had a membership.

God Had a Different Plan!

The rest of the day after my first counseling session, I spent working out at the health club. I felt my body needed a workout to match the one that Linda had put my brain through. I worked on the crunch machine, some of the weight machines, the treadmill; then I went and swam some laps in the pool. My friend Rachel had called and wanted to go out for dinner. We had met about three years