Belonging, Feeling Loved, Comfortable and Safe
By Paul Carlo
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About this ebook
Personal connections that leave people feeling a sense of being cared about and valued, with a true sense of belonging and being wanted, is something most of us include when listing the kinds of things that lead to feeling happy and fulfilled. Yet many of us don't have the kinds of close relationship that leave the feeling deeply cared about and
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Belonging, Feeling Loved, Comfortable and Safe - Paul Carlo
Copyright © 2021 Paul Carlo
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author, except in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.
ISBN: 978-1-955403-17-7 (sc)
ISBN: 978-1-955403-18-4 (e)
Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.
Contents
Introduction
Catalyst
Chapter 1 What Science Teaches us About the Need for Connection
DNA, Genetics, and Evolution
Chaos and Order
Chapter 2 The Link Between Survival and Connection
We Arrive on the Scene
We Search for Answers
The Benefits of a Secure Base
The Importance of Positive Touch
Chapter 3 The Role of Personality
Behavior and Purpose
The Influence of Interpersonal Experiences
The influence of Socio-Political Experiences
Chapter 4 Embracing the Need for Community
We are not meant to be Alone
Creating Social Interactions in Changing Environments
Chapter 5 The Pursuit of Happiness, Romance, and Love
The Quest to be Happy
Our Search for Romance and Love
The Power of Destructive Anxiety
Shadow-Selves
Chapter 6 The Paradoxical Effect of Electronic Communication
A two-sided Revolution
Chapter 7 Learning to Forgive
Forgiving Ourselves
Complete Unfinished Business
Forgiving Others
Letting go of Resentment, Fear and Pain
Chapter 8 Achieving Successful Connection
Gaining Self-Understanding
Dreams: A Gateway to Self-Awareness
Connecting Well to Ourselves
Do the Right Thing
Create time for Yourself
Act on your own Behalf
Be Fully Present
Connecting Well to Others
Stay Engaged
Talk to Those Around You
Pay Attention
Focus on Strengths
Chapter 9 Obstacles to Successful Connection
The Need to Control
Fear of Commitment
Bullying
Insisting to be loved in a Particular Way
Loving with Conditions
Chapter 10 Successful Disconnection
The Inevitability of Separations and Endings
Coping with Mortality
Letting Go and Saying Goodbye
Resolution
INTRODUCTION
As a psychotherapist in private practice, I see many people at various stages of life – from young adulthood to advanced age, seeking help because of a common theme. They feel troubled by an uncomfortable sense of loneliness, of internal isolation and uneasiness, even though from an external point of view many of them have what most people would see as markers of a successful life: academic, vocational or professional accomplishments, and generally good health. Still, even those who have many social contacts, feel somehow dissatisfied. Most of them have read one or more self-help books about relationships and happiness but haven’t discovered why they feel unfulfilled and unimportant to others who play a significant role in their lives. They can’t put their finger on it, but they feel a deep longing for something more, something else. They tell me they feel unable to experience true joy in how they live their lives, or to feel happiness and confidence about who they are and the choices they make. They are constantly bothered by second thoughts and find themselves re-playing conversations they’ve had and wishing they had handled them differently. Although they are not literally alone, still they feel lonely a lot of the time.
This hunger for whatever it is that will bring a sense of purpose and meaning to their existence often leaves even those who are in a committed relationship with another person, still feeling like something important is missing. For many, the most distressing part of all is they even feel a distance from themselves, a sense of not knowing who they are or what they really want from life. It is very difficult for them to live in a fully present state of mind, to be in the moment
, so to speak. Instead, they seem constantly distracted, unable to fully experience and enjoy whatever is good and fulfilling, around them. Worst of all, some tell me they don’t feel truly loved for who they are, and more to the point, they don’t feel lovable.
As I talk with them, I’ve come to realize that overall, what seems to be missing in their lives is a sense of truly belonging, of feeling comfortable and safe. They seem to lack the ability to establish and maintain personal connections that feel authentic and meaningful over the long term. The kind of relationships that are personal, intimate and safe on many levels; interactions with the world around them that consistently leave them feeling understood and cared about, wanted and needed. People feeling this kind of alienation are longing for the kind of personal connections that could give them a secure sense of fitting in, of being wanted, of belonging.
If this sounds somewhat familiar to you, it’s because these feelings are not just the exclusive experience of people who go to a professional to seek help with their emotional lives; lots of other people feel this kind of uneasiness too. Often when I mention the issue to members of my family, or to my wider circle of social contacts -my friends or colleagues, their response of recognition and awareness tells me this is a more widely felt problem than I had previously realized. In fact, it seems we are divided into two groups. The first group is those of us who seem able to comfortably and eagerly seek to connect to others and seek (and usually gain) reciprocity in their relationships with colleagues, friends, or loved ones. The second group is those of us who are overly cautious about personal relationships, do not feel generally trusting or safe in the presence of others, find it difficult to connect well, and find ourselves feeling alone much of the time.
Despite how hard it is to live with feelings of discomfort and a lack of hopefulness about not connecting well with others, we can achieve more comfortable and pleasant experiences in our personal relationships. There is a way to solve this problem. In the following pages, we will look at a variety of environmental, social, and personal aspects of our daily lives that contribute to our feeling alone, ill at ease and unconnected. We will talk about how to examine our behavior at crucial decision points and explore alternate behaviors that will result in the emotionally safe and satisfying relationships and a state of mind we all so much desire and deserve. All of us can learn the art and skills necessary to develop and keep satisfying and deeply caring personal relationships with others and experience the feeling of personal power that comes with that accomplishment.
CATALYST
Every creative effort requires an initial boost—something to set the process in motion. That push, the enabling element for this work, emerged as I sat in my Santa Monica office on a warm summer afternoon, enjoying a short work break, and consciously thinking about nothing at all. Suddenly, I flashed to a February snowstorm in New Jersey.
I am four years old. I can see myself standing on the cold sidewalk, holding my grandmother’s hand, waiting for the bus. It is snowing, and the wind is blowing. I am short, and the snow is up to the top of my rubber boots. A quick gust of icy wind almost knocks me over. My grandmother extends her arm and with that hand flares open her big fur coat – with the other arm she scoops me in closer to her and wraps the coat around me. And, in an instant, I feel at one with her, safe in the snowstorm, safe in the universe --seamlessly joined. I feel securely attached and connected to her. I know that I belong, that I am not alone.
So, there I was, like a little cub nestled up against the mama bear, her thick furry coat sheltering me from the snow and wind, feeling the warmth of her presence; that bonding moment – a gesture – a touch – the words ‘I love you’ played out without needing to be spoken. As I recount this event, I find myself feeling safe and warm and close all over again, and I am reminded that sometimes at the time of remembering an important event, everything can seem to be in the present tense.
The re-emergence of the warm feelings the memory of being with my grandmother in the snowstorm brought back to me made me realize that I wanted to understand more about the process that made the original experience possible, and to share the elements of that process with you. All of us deserve to have a better chance of creating and sustaining the kinds of connections that lead us to safe, secure and lasting relationships - relationships that are built on unconditional love and acceptance.
What are the conditions that contribute to the lack of fear we feel when experiencing the comfort of secure human connection? How do we break it down? How can we balance the need to be both separate from others and yet together at the same time? Why do we sometimes feel alienated and dissatisfied – the feeling that something is missing from our lives, even when to outward appearance it seems like we have all we need to be happy? We can’t seem to put our finger on it, we don’t quite know what’s wrong, but we still feel a deep underlying yearning for something more/something else. Even those of us who see ourselves as highly social by virtue of being constantly electronically connected to others, often feel a kind of un-tethered anxiety and an inability to enjoy (or even just tolerate) any extended periods of being alone and not digitally in-touch with others. Our personal on-line relationships are plentiful, so much, that they sometimes seem easily interchangeable - and yet we don’t really feel known and understood. Why is that?
Like the answers to most questions that are important to us, the answer to this one requires us to look back at where we began to see how we progressed and became the wonderful kind of curious and connection-seeking creatures we are today. I believe that the answer is inextricably linked to our capacity to connect well to others and to the world around us. The answer becomes clearer when we look back at how we humans have evolved into the interesting beings we are today.
CHAPTER 1
WHAT SCIENCE TEACHES US ABOUT THE NEED FOR CONNECTION
My life is part of every other life. My connection to all living things makes it impossible that I have enemies. I feel no need to oppose, resist, conquer or destroy.
(Depak Chopra)
DNA, Genetics, and Evolution
Have you ever seen a champion athlete do a victory dance after a great success like completing a winning touchdown, hitting the home run that wins the pennant for their team, or capturing one or more gold medals at an Olympic event, arms reaching for the sky, jumping up and down, chest puffed out? It not only displays their joy and excitement, it also adds to ours, it boosts our collective enthusiasm and helps all of us who were rooting for them feel a part of the victory and the celebration. It’s a behavioral response that goes way back through recorded history and cuts across cultures, across generations, across related species, (and maybe even across planets).
Scientific observation has shown that other primates, like Chimps, do it too. It’s genetic – it’s in our shared DNA. The genome sequence between humans and chimps is 95-98% the same. Certainly, that 2-5% difference is very significant and makes for enormous differences between ourselves and other primates. We have a larger brain. We can foresee the consequences of our actions, and we have a moral sense that other animals don’t seem to have. Some of us believe there is a spiritual essence unique to human beings that sets us apart, in a very important way, from all other forms of life. That said, the fact seems to be that the differences between us may not be as vast as some of us would like to think.
In many ways, we are similar to all other living creatures, in many ways we are very connected to them. All of us are programmed to survive; and, we are not alone in our desire to bond, to become attached and mutually reliant on others. If you doubt this, just ask anyone who has a companion pet to tell you about it. All pets are important, and (hopefully) loved and cherished, but especially with companion pets, those who respond when we call their name, who we can touch/stroke/pet, who will literally eat out of our hand, there usually develops a very special kind of relationship. With them, we form an important mutual bond, a connection that is much more than just simple dependency. There is an exchange between us, a kind of dual-effects relationship. We don’t just take care of and ‘give’ to them, we also ‘get’ from them in return.
When we observe animals in the wild, away from the influence of people, we also see a demonstrated proclivity to attach, to connect, to bond to each other – and usually not just for the purpose of mating and reproduction. Listen to what happened after a tsunami separated a one- year old baby hippo from its mother and herd in Africa. Hippopotamuses are very social animals. They typically stay with their mother for about four years. In Mombasa, Nairobi, a year- old baby hippopotamus was swept down river and then forced back to shore again when tsunami waves struck on December 26, 2015. It solved the dilemma of losing its mother and finding itself stranded by ‘adopting’ a 100- year old tortoise to be its new (foster) mom. It began to follow the tortoise around, swim with it, sleep with it, eat with it. The tortoise accepted this new youngster as if it were here own and the two are now constant companions, now they belong to each other. Despite all the obvious differences between them, they have become a surrogate family.
The desire to connect in this way is not the only instinctual response we share with other living creatures. We are somewhat similar in many other behaviors as well. We are not unique in having language to communicate with our own kind, not unique in teaching our young the basic skills of survival, not unique in mating for life – lots of other species do those things too. And, we are not unique in the capacity for