Righteous Relationship Reset: Doing Marriage God's Way

By Sherri Downs

Has God changed His mind about marriage?

Sherri Downs shares personally how God reset her marriage, and she meticulously unwraps the message God gave her. God had a specific intent in mind for marriage. Culture has perverted marriage by inserting doctrines that contradict God's Word, Will, and Ways. Kingdom citizens are encourage

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Sep 13, 2021
• ISBN: 9781637695234

Book preview

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Righteous

Relationship

Reset

Doing Marriage God’s Way

Sherri Downs

Righteous Relationship Reset: Doing Marriage God’s Way

Trilogy Christian Publishers

A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Trinity Broadcasting Network

2442 Michelle Drive Tustin, CA 92780

Copyright © 2021 by Sherri Downs

Internal Editor: Clarissa Allen, M. Ed.

Scripture quotations marked AMP are taken from the Amplified® Bible (AMP), Copyright © 2015 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.Lockman.org.

Scripture quotations marked BSB are taken from The Holy Bible, Berean Study Bible, BSB. Copyright ©2016, 2018 by Bible Hub. Used by Permission. All Rights Reserved Worldwide. www.berean.bible.

Scripture quotations marked CEV are taken from the Contemporary English Version®. Copyright © 1995 American Bible Society. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked ESV are taken from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are taken from the King James Version of the Bible. Public domain.

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked MSG are taken from THE MESSAGE, copyright © 1993, 2002, 2018 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible® (NASB), Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.Lockman.org.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without written permission from the author. All rights reserved. Rights Department, 2442 Michelle Drive, Tustin, CA 92780. Trilogy Christian Publishing/TBN and colophon are trademarks of Trinity Broadcasting Network.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Trilogy Christian Publishing.

Trilogy Disclaimer: The views and content expressed in this book are those of the author and may not necessarily reflect the views and doctrine of Trilogy Christian Publishing or the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

Manufactured in the United States of America, Printed in the USA.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN: 978-1-63769-522-7

E-ISBN: 978-1-63769-523-4

Dedication

I dedicate this book to my husband, whom I affectionately call Honey. Thank you for fighting with me in the trenches. Thank you for saying yes to God. Thank you for loving me enough to grow, forgive, trust, embrace, rebuild, and recommit. I am excited about the restoration that God has done in our marriage, how He has truly broken down walls and reset us to do it His way while building a new legacy with God leading the way.

Endorsements

"In her latest literary accomplishment, Righteous Relationship RESET: Doing Marriage God’s Way, Sherri Downs exposes her heart for marriages across the world. With the heart of a teacher, the passion of a coach, and the vulnerability of a wounded wife made whole, she declares the lessons she learned throughout her experience of God’s grace, mercy, and restoration in her marriage reset. Sherri’s message declares that there is hope for the wounded, hope for broken relationships and that couples’ can heal and be released to dream again through the intimate working of the Holy Spirit in their marriages. I still remember Sherri as an eleven-year-old little girl in my first youth ministry assignment. I am so proud of who she has become as a person and a servant of God. May He continue to use you to reach our generation as a voice of His love, mercy, and hope."

— Pastor David S. Ferguson

MBA, MAR, MRE

The Fellowship Church

"Have you heard the enemy hates marriages? If you’ve already heard it before, get ready to hear it again because you need to understand the depth of this truth. It is the reason why occurrences of infidelity, separation, and divorce are rampant. It is the reason why therapists’ and pastors’ offices are full. And it is the reason why you need to read Righteous Relationship RESET.

"Righteous Relationship RESET is both a biblical manual for marriage and a vulnerable testimony of perseverance and redemption all in one. That alone would be an impressive feat, but Sherri manages to do all of that while captivating you with her narrative voice. I (Alicia) often assign my clients books to read, which will facilitate their education and healing. Righteous Relationship RESET will be a reference tool utilized by both therapists and pastors alike.

"I (Bernard) believe that oftentimes, married men wrestle with fully understanding their own identity in marriage, let alone that of their wives. This is even further complicated with the baggage added by one’s family of origin. Men of faith, in particular, who do not have a frame of reference to assist with navigating the nontraditional roles of husband and wife in today’s marriages, will find that in Righteous Relationship RESET.

"During couples counseling, I (Alicia) often tell my clients, if they can communicate about everything, they can get through anything. Sherri’s book provides an excellent way to get the conversation started. In fact, we spent time reading this book aloud to one another, and for those who are married, we recommend doing the same thing. This is because Righteous Relationship RESET will provide a tangible means to get spouses talking to one another about their marriage(s).

No matter where you are on your journey—hoping to one day get married, in premarital counseling, happily married, or feeling like calling it quits—expect God to meet you and encourage you that you really can experience marriage the way He designed it to be.

— Bernard Taylor and Alicia M. Taylor

NCC, LCPC

"Righteous Relational Reset is a must-read!

"It wades into the needed biblical truths of God’s aspirations for the marriage covenant. RRR is inclusively informative and resourceful, engaging and relative, revealing and restorative. Don’t just read Righteous Relational Reset, meditate on its truths and apply the truths to the conversation of your covenant life. Add RRR to the bookshelf and hard drive of your heart.

"Sherri S. Downs, I’m grateful to God for our Righteous Relationship RESET, and I believe prime is yet to come."

— Sylvester W. Downs III

"As I read Righteous Relationship RESET, it caused me to pause and examine myself deeper as a father, brother, husband, and various other titles I possess. As children, we were so impressionable and vulnerable. We gradually became a product of our various environments without having a say in which direction we condoned or rejected in our lives.

Like Sherri’s marriage, my marriage of thirty-four years has also been tainted with the stench of infidelity, parents who were also adulterers, and the hopeless feeling that the generational curse would never be broken. I felt brokenness was the norm.

But God! The sections ‘The Journey to Healing’ and ‘Hope for your Future’ are such inspiring components and lend hope and direction through Jesus Christ, who loves and cares for us as we journey along this tumultuous path we call life. It reveals to us how Jesus wants to reveal and fix those broken areas of our lives if we would just yield to His way, stay focused on Him, and obey His Word.

Sherri mentioned in chapter one that ‘David knew where his help and safety was.’ He was certainly not perfect; however, David knew how to run to God with his brokenness and find safety in Him. David mastered transparency, which offered him a place of refuge and hiddenness in God. He became known as ‘a man after God’s own heart’ (1 Samuel 13:14). I thank God that He covers and hides me from the enemy, even when the enemy is me.

Sherri, thank you for sharing a bit of your heart and for your obedience to God. Blessings to you, my sister in Christ!"

—Dr. Gary Neal, Sr.

Acknowledgments

I want to acknowledge Pastors James and Shirley Marks for imparting in me a solid foundation of faith and love for God, which they displayed through their commitment and servanthood.

I want to acknowledge my good friends Bernard and Alicia M. Taylor MA, LCPC, NCC, who were committed to breathing life back into our marriage through God’s love. You both would not allow us to give up on what God said despite how things looked. I truly thank God for sending us to you.

I further acknowledge our Pastors Rusty and Victoria Railey, who kept saying, It’s not over, God’s not done, it’s bigger than you, keep praying, and you’re not alone. I am eternally grateful, and one thousand thank you’s would not be enough for how you, by the power of the Holy Spirit, began to breathe life back into my family when we felt dead and alone.

Lastly, I want to acknowledge our JFA church family, who was very instrumental in loving and embracing my family back to life. God dwells at Joliet First Assembly.

Thank you for loving, living, and leading like Jesus. To God be the glory for the things He has done.

Special Thank You

A very special thank you to my friend, Clarissa Allen M. Ed., for being such a gift to this project, and also to my book Keys to Unprecedented Praying Power for editorial support and services. I appreciate your expert advice and your labor of love.

Thank You

Thank you to my family: Victoria French, Yiasa Whitney, Shandrell Hazzard, Teddy Bedford, Michael Bedford, and Annie Boston (Mommy), who have been such a place of strength for my family. During the most difficult times, you all felt our pain, carried our burdens, and prayed for us earnestly, believing for all God has said. Thank you for loving us without bias and opinion. Thank you for fighting with us in the trenches.

Prayer

Father, I pray grace and peace to every reader. I pray endurance to read this encouragement and instruction until the end. I pray that the purposes and plans you have for his or her life and marriage would prevail over any attempts of the enemy to stop and block them. I pray for victory over every husband and wife. Father, I pray that their marriage will overcome every challenge and obstacle. I decree that the two would become one flesh. I decree unity and agreement. I pray that love would cover the multitude of faults that they may have found themselves in. Father, we release the guidance of the Holy Spirit for those that may find themselves in the depths of grief, hopelessness, betrayal, and despair. We pray for greater understanding to love deeper (with the love of God). Father, we believe you for the Righteous Relationship RESET. We trust you for complete healing, knowledge, acceptance, humility, and deliverance of the heart, mind, soul, will, and emotions. I pray that every heart reading this book would yield to patiently love his or her spouse to life through the power of God’s truth, forgiveness, and reconciliation through Christ. My brother, my sister, your marriage can survive.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Table of Contents

Endorsements

Acknowledgments

Preface

Introduction: Born to Be Relational

Chapter 1: Your Individual Journey

Chapter 2: The Reset

Chapter 3: Holy Matrimony

Chapter 4: Joining This Man, to This Woman

Chapter 5: In the Sight of God

Chapter 6: Forming a Holy Union

Chapter 7: Culture vs. Kingdom

Chapter 8: Assignment in Marriage

Chapter 9: Sexual Immorality

Chapter 10: Positioning Your Marriage to Win

Chapter 11: Get God’s Blueprints

Chapter 12: Covenant vs. Contract

Decrees for Your Marriage

Decrees for Your Husband

Decrees for Your Wife

21-Day Devotional: Husband and Wife

Day 1: Individual Journey

Day 2: Inner Healing and Wholeness

Day 3: Righteous Relationship RESET

Day 4: Council for Clarity

Day 5: Holy Matrimony

Day 6: Treasure the Gift

Day 7: Joining This Man To this Woman

Day 8: The Accuser

Day 9: Guarding The Gates

Day 10: Healthy Boundaries

Day 11: Healthy Boundaries

Day 12: Building and Executing Vision

Day 13: Getting God’s Blueprints

Day 14: Kingdom vs. Culture

Day 15: Communication Is Key

Day 16: Assignment in Marriage

Day 17: Get God’s Blueprints

Day 18: Sexual Immorality

Day 19: Positioning Your Marriage to WIN (Walk in Newness)

Day 20: Create Buy-In

Day 21: Covenant vs. Contract

Bibliography

Kingdom Touch Downs Podcast

About the Author

Preface

You may be wondering, How did I get here? Why am I reading this book? Can my situation be helped? Can I get anything out of reading about relationship reset? These may have come off from the many questions you are asking yourself. If you are already married and are facing a myriad of circumstances, this book is for you. You may be looking for answers on how you can do marriage in God’s way. There is a simple truth; many are choosing to thrive in their marriage, and you can too. Yes! You can come back form from the pits of despair and reset your marriage by choosing God’s way. You can choose to have an outlook on marriage that will cause you to create a lifelong partnership of love, loyalty, and legacy.

If you are not yet married and you are in the waiting season for marriage, don’t leave just yet. I want to speak to you as well. If you’re anything like I was, I grew up excited about the ideas swirling around marriage. I liked all the good things that God was speaking about my marriage and my family. I have found that many like the sound of scriptures, but it is something else to actually make scriptures come alive in their own lives. I have to take it by force! Sure, I had examples around me, but they were not a great representation of marriage in God’s way. I experienced seeing the ups and downs of marriage, of course, on the outside looking in. I have been privy to having married and unmarried friends. Retrospectively, I didn’t understand the details that I would need to understand about myself and others to make my marriage become what God had intended it to be. Let’s not take this statement as though marriage has to be work. In Christ, we have all that we need to triumph and WIN (Walk In Newness). I have resolved in my heart that as Christ-followers, we do not have to strive for anything in God. Marriage or anything that we are attempting to do; is work when it is not done God’s way. When we try to kick against the prick, it is hard (Acts 26:14). When we choose our own way, it is hard. The way of the transgressor is hard (Proverbs 13:15). We are instructed to take His yoke upon us and learn from Him. His yoke is easy, and His burden is light (Matthew 11:29-30).

I would often allow my mind to drift into the future and dream about how; I would have the husband, children, house and imagine us sailing off into the sunset to do the will of the Lord. I knew what the word of the Lord had to say about marriage, and that’s exactly what I wanted. I had an earnest desire to do it in God’s way. I didn’t yet have the language to articulate exactly how that looked. Although, I knew there was a God’s Way that would ensure my marriage would succeed. You do know that; anytime you determine to do anything God’s way, you will face opposition to that choice and desire. You will be tempted to choose your own way. There will always be a door of opportunity to choose the fruit over the father. I didn’t want what I saw around me. I wanted a marriage that would please the Lord. I wanted to wait for my husband. I took the vow of chastity. I earnestly prayed for friends that desired the same things so we could encourage each other to wait for the husbands that God would send. After all, he that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord, right? Well, little did I know that the enemy wasn’t just going to sit back idly while my husband and I moved as a power couple into the God destiny that we saw. Not to mention, I still had so much to learn about the world, the kingdom of God, and me.

However, I did not take into account what would happen when I actually got married. What would two destinies look like when they collided? How would two lives intersect to form and aid in the perfect will of God? When God created Eve in the garden and presented Eve to Adam, Adam didn’t know Eve would have a weak will to disobey the command of the Lord and that weak will would be how they ultimately would forget ultimately kicked out of the garden and dislocated them from the abundant flow of God’s presence and power that made life easy and worth living. Adam didn’t realize that after the glitz and glamour of the honeymoon that these two lives would become accountable to each other to maintain the blessings of the Lord upon the house and their seed that was yet to come. Adam didn’t know that the serpent would deceive, beguile her, causing him to fall and the rest of humanity after him. Adam didn’t take into consideration that he would need to keep tabs on Eve’s whereabouts to keep her from falling prey to the tempter. Adam didn’t realize that Satan hated him and his wife. Adam didn’t take into consideration the hatred of the tempter who was plotting for the demise of humanity. Satan had a plot to take what God loved and to place what God hated inside of it in order to tempt God to destroy man.

Introduction

Born to Be Relational

Doing marriage God’s way takes a willingness to let go of the ways of culture, religion, society, and man while embracing the ways of God’s kingdom. It takes both men and women submitting to God’s Word, God’s Will, and God’s Way. When one truly desires to do marriage God’s way, the kingdom of heaven will back us up every step of the way. I believe that there is always a great attack on marriage and the family. In the beginning, God created a man and a woman, and while there was not a formal celebration with many attendees to witness this union, God did, however, establish His intent for this union. He gave man and woman their assignment in the earth with the attitude that they would live in harmony with one another. These newly created beings (Man and Woman) were to …Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth (Genesis 1:28, KJV). Marriage, in the beginning, was the most basic of all social relationships. We were created with a relationship in mind. You and I were born to be relational. When we look at the nature of the Godhead (the Trinity), we see how man was fashioned in the image of God. It was not good for man to be alone. Here was man, and there was no one like him. In everything God created in Genesis chapters 1 and 2, God’s expression and proclamation were, it is good as each day the creation was coming into physical manifestation. When God created man and found that there was no counterpart suitable, he expressed it is not good for man to be alone. This was the first time that anything God created was tagged as not good. The woman was needed to complete this expression of God’s plan and purpose for man. She was vital to the expansion of God’s intentions for man. God created humanity with binary gender as male and female. It was very good as God finished creation week. Male and female were important in the completion of the vision and implementation of creation. God ordained the family unit, and He wanted His name to be established not only in individual lives but within their bloodlines for generations to come. The marriage came before children, the church body, ascension gifts, and ministry. Many have dealt with a variety of family issues. There are no blanket solutions to the disproportion of complexities within family dynamics. Each family is encouraged to seek the Lord for directives and instructions concerning a Righteous Relationship RESET . I have felt the Lord calling me to mentor women on a global level, and during this process of accepting this grace, I have heard their separate stories, felt their intense pain, and heard the cries of their hearts. I want you to know: as I write, I am in prayer and intercession for you and your beautiful family. Our Lord is concerned about you. I understand your pain. I hear your heart, and our Lord hears you.

There may be many questions swirling through your mind concerning your marriage. A question I constantly asked God throughout my journey was: How will you get the glory out of this? It is with a joyful heart and assurance that has been tested and tried; I have literally tasted and experienced the goodness of restoration and the redemptive nature of God to reset a marriage. I have seen and participated in the power of forgiveness, spiritual breakthrough, resurrection, and a powerful, persistent prayer posture to bring change in my life resulting in a revealing and unveiling of who God is to the degree that is indescribable. This revelation birthed my book Keys to Unprecedented Praying Power. I want you to know that you are not alone. I am in the trenches with you as you are reading this book and desire a reset. God will get the glory out of your story; don’t quit. It’s not over! Your marriage can survive. With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26, KJV). If your marriage has died, it can be resurrected; ask Lazarus (John 11:1-44). If your marriage has been stolen from you, God can give you a better marriage, and seven times better than the one you had before (Proverbs 6:31). If you are looking to get married and you want to know what it takes to sustain a marriage, you too may gain wisdom. It is God that changes you and your spouse to be the husband and wife that you each need. Rely on the Holy Spirit to do the work. I want to encourage you to seek God’s victory for your life and your family. I, too, have been in the darkest of nights in my own marriage and have had the choice to do things God’s way or my own way. I have had to overcome obstacles, which seemed insurmountable and too high to navigate through. The odds were also stacked against my family and myself. The choice was ours; to follow God or our own way. The reset may not be easy, but it is possible with God (Matthew 19:26). I decree life over your reset. I declare you can do it, and I am proud of you for desiring to do it God’s way.

Chapter 1

Your Individual Journey

Show Me Thy Withered Hand

I believe we all come to the world with some sort of handicap. This handicap is simply because our world was broken at the fall of Adam and Eve, and now all of humanity faces a sinful nature that needs the blood of Christ that can cleanse and create us all anew through the finished work of Christ. As I dive into this section of the book, it was with great reflection and vulnerability. I had to expose my withered hand. I write with your heart in mind and your process. I do not believe I should write a book with a whole lot of instruction without a true sense of reality that has been tested and tried in my own life. I desire to magnify the process of trusting God and working through everything as the Lord would bring you up higher for His purpose. I want to be integral in sharing my process and be true to my story.

When I look back on my upbringing and my journey, I do realize and acknowledge that I was truly and utterly a fragmented soul without Christ, as we all are. I didn’t realize the dysfunction I had grown up in and how much of an impact it had on my beliefs, and ultimately my destiny. God has truly protected me during perilous times. There was an undercurrent of lies perpetuated by circumstances that I believed. This is in no way to bring shame on anyone, but only for the purposes of sharing and articulating the love and the power of walking with a loving Heavenly Father that knows how to bring you to an expected end. I believe that the systematic nature of my rearing in many ways groomed me for the dysfunction I’d later experience in my adult years that I’d have to overcome as a woman, wife, and mother. There were fault lines to my destiny that would later cause such devastation and chaos; I’d later have to run to the Father to expose my withered hand. I needed Jesus to fix what was clearly always handicapped, yet I was unaware. I write with tears of joy, realizing and knowing that I am not perfect and I need a savior to unwrap the gold inside of me. I needed my fragmented soul healed, whole, and my thoughts to be aligned with God’s truth.

I received Christ at the age of fourteen. In my adolescent years growing up, my mother was divorced from my father, and my grandmother was separated (never reconciled) from my grandfather until death. My father’s parents were married until my grandmother passed (cancer) when I was about eleven years old. However, since my parents were divorced, I was not connected personally to my paternal grandparents, nor did I know much about the heritage. I did, however, get bits and pieces through hearsay. So, for me growing up with examples for marriage was not a foundation I was afforded. Sure, I had people around me that were married, and as I grew and developed friendships, I was privy to see inside some marriages, but still, not an accurate picture as many of them were struggling or looking for an out.

I didn’t have a sense of identity and self-ambition prior to receiving Christ at age fourteen. As I began to journey with God, He started placing within my heart desires that I could not conceive for my life on my own (Proverbs 3:5-6), and these desires were huge. Some things were not functioning properly in my life. Every time I went to achieve or succeed, there seemed to be an invisible wall that would only allow me to go so far. I didn’t know how to find the root cause of the resistance, much less expose it to Jesus. I wasn’t taught how to look within myself and deal with emotions, and trauma was all around me. Traumas were present as I was fatherless, in poverty, reared in a single-parent home, and sexually abused, just to name a few. During my developing years, my mother didn’t have time to discuss emotions and the like. She was a single parent and too busy just trying to survive life and her own feelings, let alone deal with five other human beings (children) that needed so much from her all at the same time. She was in survival mode. We lived in a low place, both geographical space and economic status. The place where we lived was at the bottom of a hill secluded from other neighborhoods and subdivisions. It was certainly deemed an eyesore. My family was fruitless, and I