I'm so, so, Sorry

By Duncan Bolam

I am not very good at grief. Who is? Are we even meant to be? And where do you start?

When I lost my dad when I was 22 and he was 51, I was ill-equipped. I did not know it at the time, but I went into a 5-year tailspin of both psychological and physiological illness that cast a long shadow impacting all departments of my life - relationships, career, wellbeing, finances, happiness.

What I also did not know at that time was the lasting effects trauma can have. I did not even know I was suffering from trauma! Then, 31 years later, the emotional earthquake of losing a loved-one struck again. Only this time, not even my maturity could protect from the brutality of the shockwave.

We had tried for a baby for 7 years. Then just when our doctor was suggesting other pathways to parenthood, we 'fell' pregnant. For 40 delight-filled weeks, our anticipation grew to bursting-point. Only for an unexpected need to rush to the maternity unit ending in abject failure, missed opportunities, total disregard for our yearning to be parents and even greater disregard for the wellbeing of our unborn son.

From the heights of delight to the depths of despair, our 28 hour ordeal felt like eternity. But that was only the beginning. This essay - which with your support - may evolve into a book and play - is my account of my decline into chronic PTSD and my hard-fought recovery. My never yielding faith in the benevolence of our universe and how my wife's incredible courage, fortitude and perseverance, overcoming insurmountable odds, led to a golden miracle two years later when our son Dylan was born.

This essay is intended to act as a launch pad to a new movement aimed at helping others overcome grief, ending suffering and building a better world. As I say, this essay is almost a form of crowdfunding a bigger and more ambitious vision. Not only do you help us heal. You help others heal too.

But first I need to build my wife the life she deserves. The life I could have built by now if only I had been stronger and braver at the time. Able to be the advocate my wife and unborn son needed me to be. Hence, your buying my book, could lead to my redemption.

Thank You.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Duncan Bolam
• Release date: Aug 28, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005062668

Duncan Bolam

With infectious enthusiasm, joie de vivre, life-long curiosity and a quest for knowledge borne-out of a mission to comprehend his own life's course, overcoming significant setbacks along his own journey towards 'epiphany'; 2021 sees Duncan's twenty-forth year making his livelihood as an Executive, Career & 'Purpose' Coach.He operates in the domains of Leadership, Career Development, Motivation, Sports, Performance Improvement and Customer Care. Duncan has devoted his life to the field of 'Work Aesthetics'; which he crafted with the intention of enabling more people to contribute good to society by generating positive energy through authentic vocation; achieving a "delight-filled fusion of fabric, function, form and flow".Alongside his private coaching practice based in Nairn in The Highlands of Scotland and London in the South of England, Duncan also consults to organisations on Employee Engagement, Talent Management and People Strategy across all professional disciplines, levels of experience and industrial sectors. With his specialist fields being 'digital, technology and telecoms' start-ups where his focus is on generating value by aligning talent with the critical mission and goals defined by an organisation's Business Plan.With an innate gift for extrapolating social trends, personal development ideals and labour market intelligence towards accurately forecasting the future of work, it has been said his ideas on the labour markets, motivation, career management and purpose are “visionary”. His innovative, results-orientated, pioneering and evangelical spirit sees him pushing barriers in his daily work and many sporting pursuits; especially long-distance swimming, golf, mindfulness and triathlon.Throughout this 24 years, he has been helping individuals and organisations decode their occupational DNA; in order to maximise their potential and, ultimately, experience greater happiness and fulfilment in how they contribute to the knit of their communities, through their livelihoods, earning their their living - holistically and sustainably.In the past he has coached golf, basketball, rugby, tennis, fitness and swimming and uses his proven coaching techniques to complement his delivery as coach and consultant. Duncan also has the unique - some might say controversial - distinction of having had 35 jobs in the first 32 years of his life. So he knows what it is like to navigate the minefield of 'not knowing' what to do! Perhaps more by process of elimination, there is one thing for sure. Duncan discovered his calling and leverages his insights positively!At school his English Language teacher proclaimed to his class that one day Duncan would be a Writer. And this is the ultimate destiny Duncan has strived towards ever since. In his writing he draws upon his many joyful and painful anecdotes to help contextualise his message that life can be about perseverance, passion and purpose and that, in spite of what we sometimes might think, the universe remains a deeply loving, altruistic, benevolent force for good.'Everything' in Duncan’s life hinges around the aesthetics of movement, craft, devotion and work. He loves the efficiency derived by the mastery of technique and nurtures this beauty in work and play. He has come to realise that purposeful, passionate, proactive and persevering people are innately charismatic and energy-giving in a challenged world where 90% of people are in the wrong job or not engaged by their work at all. Right now everything he does is about getting more people into their ‘right work’ and spreading his ideas through print, coaching and workshops.An 'ideas factory', his evangelical style has led him to design ‘employability’ TV programmes for the BBC (‘Up for Hire’), contribute to the design of the National Careers Service Advisory Panel for the UK Government’s Dept for Business Innovation & Skill & Dept for Education and dynamic career development programmes for world-leading organisations like Vodafone and Haringey Action Group on Alcohol.

Book preview

I’m so, so sorry…

An Essay & Life-Paper: About never giving up on our dreams, the overcoming of life’s catastrophes and – against cruellest, seemingly insurmountable offs – creating golden miracles on our Way.

by

Duncan M M Bolam

This essay is both a launchpad into my next book, ‘Good Being’ and an extract from a book that would be called, ‘Still Bomb – ‘I’m So, So, Sorry’: A Dad’s Journey Through the Healing, Processing Child-loss, Life’s Catastrophes and Building Better Versions of Our World Today’

Published by Duncan Bolam on Smashwords and Amazon Kindle.

All rights reserved. No part of this essay may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief, cited quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

Duncan Bolam Copyright 2021

Smashwords Edition, License Notes:

This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author, Duncan Bolam © 2021

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NB: Because doing good doesn’t have to cost the earth, for the price of a cappuccino, please share my book. In reading on, you will soon understand why I dream of making this writing journey the success my incredible wife and our two sons deserve. So, now that we are all in one place – on the same page – and whole again - I dedicate these gathered fragments to my loves. In piecing my fragments together, may we ALL be whole again. Adversity confronted, bargained with and overcome.

In this book, I aim to tell some very important people that I love them, (and try and understand why so many could not love me in return). I want to say I am very sorry to the friend-ships I discovered I could not count on. To say sorry for leaning so hard on the ones that I could. And to remind us that we are our thoughts – the sounds and visions of our minds - will turn into the lives we lead. We are the manifestations of our thoughts. With the one thought I could not lose sight of – the thought that rescued me – being that I truly believe in the divine energy of love.

I heard the Green MP, Caroline Lucas say the other day, Nature is shouting to us at the top of her voice!. Well, I wholeheartedly agree with her. If you read through this short book, I am confident you will see why I believe Nature’s driving force is love.

This book is designed to serve as a steppingstone to me launching my vision for ‘Good Being’. My next book and meaning of life card game and philosophy for how humans can ACHIEVE GOOD by being ‘Good Beings’. This vision is borne from the ideals of caring, cooperation, kindness and contribution. Thereby, increasing the numbers of people comprising civil society radiating beauty through their labour. And, in so being, emanate the love of being good, doing good, making good, leading to making the world being a better place for the next generation.

If my aim to help others navigate, process, and exit the extreme challenge of grief is successful, I get to do good of my own. Good will come of you embarking upon this voyage with me. Please never forget that no one ever wants for others to fail, experience pain or endure hardship. We are each doing the best we can, with what we have available to, us at the time. As is the case with me here in the following passages. I did fail. But I wanted to make good. And perhaps here, I am, achieving that goal at long last.

This introduction is written when the whole book has been completed – a near 7-year voyage. I really want to let you know that - in spite of the abject heartache I navigated - I still believe the world to be a kind, benevolent and loving place. Too many end their own lives because they just cannot visualise themselves in their future. The insurmountable strain and the pain of failure rendering it too difficult to carry on. Believe me, I have been on that very precipice.

You will find in the following passages that this almost happened to me. When the flickering wick of self-love had all but snuffed itself out and turned to the mental cancer of self-loathing, unappeasable rage, and the virtual prison sentence of post-traumatic stress disorder, borne-out of the guilt of feeling I could have and should have prevented the death of our long-tried-for and yearned for baby, Dirk.

Because men can find themselves on the periphery of motherhood, pregnancy, childbirth (and loss) it is so obviously and rightly the domain of mothers. Women and Men – but especially society’s men - need to talk this out – but our social stigmas make the process incredibly challenging.

Perhaps here - as an act of defiance - in the sincerest hope it helps - I write it out. Through the action of processing my experiences, I unashamedly challenge those unjust stigmas. So that others might navigate their way too. Knowing that they are not alone in the feeling that recovery can seem an impossible mountain to climb at times.

If I help one person navigate bereavement as less of an ordeal, then my writing is time well-invested. If I help others do good and become good beings themselves, then the value they contribute is my dividend. And so it is that we all possess a stake in helping each other achieve good things.

Dirk Mackintosh Muir Bolam – for those ever in doubt – here you can see - my son was real!

Thankfully, I did not end the pain with the final sanction. I kept going. As I hope you do too as you cross the threshold into this voyage from the brightest light of delight - down into the pits of despair- and back again - to seal our journey basking in the glow of a truly golden miracle. Borne-out of a remarkable woman’s absolute refusal to capitulate. A woman I am immeasurably blessed to accompany me on this incredible journey, as her husband. Teaching one important life-lesson: No matter how bleak or how excruciatingly difficult we might feel today. There is just as much chance that tomorrow will bring blue-skies. With every tick of our watch heralding changes in conditions.

Because this is a real journey,