How To Be A Dimwit For Dimwits: A Compilation of short stories from the spectacular life of $cott Myers

By cott Myers

Let’s be honest. Many people are living boring lives. Although some are not, there are a select few in a league of their own. These people are what is known as spectacular. $cott Myers is one of those few. Some spectacular people don’t share their stories of what makes them the way they are. However, $cott looks to change that.
How To Be A Dimwit For Dimwits is $cott’s latest contribution to society. Some say that it might even be his best. $cott has always lived a spectacular life and has many stories to tell. However, the full details of these stories have remained a mystery known only to $cott himself. In his new book, he finally reveals some of the complete stories of how he has lived the life he has. Follow $cott in a series of short stories from flipping off truck drivers to paying parking tickets in pennies to just being spectacular overall.
If you have a boring life or are just looking to kill some time, this book is for you. It will change your outlook on life and will make you question your definition of stupidity. How To Be A Dimwit For Dimwits is your all-in-one guide to becoming spectacular.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dollar Sign Publishing LLC
• Release date: Jun 30, 2021
• ISBN: 9781662914546

Book preview

Introduction

IFIRST DECIDED to write this because I wanted a place where I could store some of my most incredible memories and stories without having the details blurred over time. I tried my best to make these stories as accurate as possible. I will say that every story you read is based on an actual event that did occur in my life. These stories might seem outrageous. However, I have no regrets, and I would not change how any of them went. I would definitely do each one again. I hope you enjoy reading this just as much as I enjoyed writing it.

VOLUME 1

7th Grade Field Trip

IFIGURED I would start off with one of my favorite stories to tell. In 7th grade, our class went on a field trip to a school in Compton to read books to the kids there. On the way there, I was sitting in my seat on the bus, and I thought about how funny it might be to give the driver in the lane next to us the middle finger. I did just that. I flipped off the truck driver, and he laughed and flipped me off back. The entire group of kids sitting in the back of the bus took notice of what I was doing. I did it again, the person did not respond, but the group of kids laughed anyway. Unfortunately, this is where we were getting off of the freeway.

After doing our volunteer work at the school, I boarded the bus and sat back down in the same seat waiting to do it again. I eagerly waited for us to get on the freeway, and when we did, I looked for the first person I could. I told the group of people sitting near me to look, and I proceeded to flip off the driver, and he smiled and flipped me off back. The whole group burst out laughing. I mostly did this to truck drivers because other cars were too low to see me. Every single driver that I did this to laughed and smiled. A majority of them flipped me off back while laughing just as I was. It was a lot of fun for me, and I don’t think it’s every day you drive a truck and look over to see a 7th grader flipping you off from a school bus. After we got back to school and I went home, I didn’t really think too much of it. I didn’t tell anyone else that I did it because I did not think it was a big deal.

The next day, I was walking to go get lunch, and while I was walking on the path toward the cafeteria, the assistant head of the middle school stopped me.

He said, $cott, can I please speak with you.

I gladly stepped to the side and asked him what he needed.

He responded, On the field trip yesterday, I was made aware of your inappropriate gestures made at other drivers.

I laughed internally and asked him how he heard about it.

He said, One of the drivers you flipped off rolled down his window and told the bus driver what was happening and that it was someone near the back that was doing it.

As I stood there, I believed him. Although, I later realized that no car actually told the bus driver while on the freeway what was happening. It would also be difficult to pinpoint me specifically to be the one doing it. I determined a few days later that someone had snitched on me. I never figured out who the snitch was.

I responded to him: Okay? That isn’t a big deal.

He said, Your actions don’t reflect the values of this school, and we are going to be suspending you.

I raised my eyebrows and asked him, You’re suspending me because I flipped some guy off on a field trip when he also flipped me off back.

He said yes, and I turned around and walked away. This guy didn’t even take me into his office to tell me. He told me in the courtyard that he was suspending me because I flipped someone off on a field trip. Then a smile came across my face as I realized that it was totally worth it.

When I went home that day, they had already told my parents.

After I walked in, my dad said, Really $cott?

I said, That was hilarious, and I have zero regrets.

My parents really didn’t care. There was a part of me that thinks that they thought it was funny. I took my suspension as basically a free day off of school. I felt like an absolute champion. It was totally worth it, and to this day I have zero regrets. I have even joked about putting it on my resume as an accomplishment.

VOLUME 2

On the Origin of the Crown

FOR MY SECOND story, I wanted to talk about how I got my crown. My crown is something I wear to LA Kings hockey games. It is signed by multiple Kings players and has gained a great deal of recognition around Staples Center. In this story, I will explain how the crown came to be and some of the exciting encounters from it.

Formal of my junior year, I decided to nominate myself for snow prince. They had a snow prince/princess and a snow king/queen since it was a winter-themed dance. Juniors could win the prince/princess while only seniors could win the king/queen. I decided to put my name in the running. I told my date to do the same. However, she ended up forgetting to do so. There was only one other person on the ballot, but I managed to win. I was given a crown. What ended up happening was I got paired with another girl in the class who won snow princess even though she wasn’t my date to the dance. It was awkward, and people laughed, but it wasn’t really a big deal since I was at a small school and everybody knew everyone. That was the night that I got the crown, but the story only just began.

A few weeks later, I don’t exactly remember when, I decided to take the crown to an LA Kings game. During my junior year in high school, I started to fall in love with hockey, and I was going to more and more games. I wore it because kings wear crowns. Unfortunately, plenty of people over the years have asked me if it was my birthday. I was doing it to support my team. These were mostly concessions workers who asked me about it, but occasionally hockey fans asked me. One time a Kings fan just came up to me and wished me a happy birthday, which was quite strange and awkward after telling him it wasn’t my birthday.

At the first game I took it to, I was featured on the jumbotron, which was pretty cool. After my first moment of fame, I decided