Insert Title Here: Excerpts from a Functioning Idiot

By Shanon (Cox) Clay

This is all straight out of my journal, as it was written. Mostly funny, some serious, and some not for the faint of heart. If you’re offended by bad behavior and worse language, then you’re probably reading the wrong book. Consider that your warning and my disclaimer. What you should know before you begin…. 1. I’m a bit crazy. And so am I. 2. My friends are REALLY crazy. 3. I’m a 62 triple F. 5’2”, Female, Forty and Feisty. 4. I deserve a degree in smart-assed-ness. Probably a doctorate. 5. I ride motorcycles, as do most of my friends. Sometimes they call me Bloody, don’t ask why

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Feb 8, 2012
• ISBN: 9781105527746

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Insert Title Here: Excerpts from a Functioning Idiot

Insert Title Here

Excerpts from a Functioning Idiot

Shanon (Cox) Clay

Copyright 2012 LuLu Press

All Rights Reserved

ISBN: 978-1-105-52774-6

What these Notes are all about….

This is all straight out of my journal, as it was written.  Mostly funny, some serious, and some not for the faint of heart.  If you’re offended by bad behavior and worse language, then you’re probably reading the wrong book.  Consider that your warning and my disclaimer.

My Grandmother, Ruth Cox, was a writer.  She wrote for the local newspaper for a quarter of a century, and has also authored 3 books.  I always wanted to be able to create with words what I saw with my eyes.  I have played at writing bits and pieces here and there across the years, but after a singular moment in my life, I began writing as an outlet.  It was a way to keep my perspective, and probably my sanity.  I kept an online journal, and wrote in it quite a bit.  Amusing true life stories, and sad stories, just things in my life as they happened, and most of them would have you doubled over in laughter wiping your eyes.  Then I did something stupid.  I deleted that journal; along with other places I had posted some of these stories, basically erasing all of those memories.  As I was going through some old photos, getting some things together for another project, I realized I MISSED that blog.  I missed those stories.  And I had misplaced my perspective.  I had lost the part of me that would go out and just enjoy things, enjoy life, laugh at the world.  I decided to bring ME back.  And so, I went searching for those writings, to remind me, to laugh, to be happy, to make other people laugh.  I have resurrected here what I could find.  There are many entries that are just lost and cannot be honestly recreated.  If anyone happens to have copies of some of those, such as the NASCAR or the first Workman’s Comp story, I would greatly appreciate having them.  In the meantime, I’ll be out finding something amusing to write about. 

Thank you to Cindy Knight Hashaw and Wayne Boozer for allowing me to use some of their points of view.  Thank you to my family, Ina Martin, Becky Bradley, and all the others that thought I was crazy, but said go for it anyway.  And a very special thank you to Shawn Reiss for being the rock, and the voice of reason.  :X X:

~Shanon (Cox) Clay – Jan 26, 2012

What you should know before you begin….

1.       I’m a bit crazy. And so am I.

2.       My friends are REALLY crazy.

3.       I’m a 62 triple F.  5’2", Female, Forty and Feisty.

4.       I deserve a degree in smart-assed-ness.  Probably a doctorate.

5.       I ride motorcycles, as do most of my friends.  Sometimes they call me Bloody, don’t ask why.

6.       I belong to the Bomber Girls LRC.  We are a female riding club dedicated to supporting our troops.

7.       I have a warped sense of humor.  I laugh at about anything, and if I’m not laughing, I probably didn’t hear you.

8.       My hearing sucks.  Which in turn leads to me hearing much more interesting things than were actually said at times.

9.       I have a tattoo.  Or 20. 

10.   My friends include bikers, politicians, tattoo artists, news personalities, military, artists, teachers, photographers, roller derby queens and drag queens, and just about everything in between.  I like variety.

11.   Names have been changed to protect my royalty checks.

12.   I’m a depressed realistic optimist.  Good luck on trying to figure THAT out.

13.   These entries are in chronological order.  I would say I weighed the pros and cons of categorizing versus dating versus subject matter, but in all honesty, this was just the easiest way.  I’m lazy, sue me.

14.   The stories are here as they were written at the time, I haven’t edited or changed them at all.

15.   The writing gets better as it goes along, I promise.

If there is anything else of import, I will try to inform you as needed.  Enjoy.

Musings While Riding Alone

August 19, 2003

Men will ALWAYS run off the road looking at the female solo biker in a skirt (even if there ARE shorts on underneath)

When you ride with the Bitter Half, he complains that you always ride behind him.

When you ride with the Bitter Half and LEAD, he complains that you were going too slow AND too fast.

If you're the rookie and you forget to turn off your turn signal, you will hear endless days of jibes like 'better check your turn fluid levels'; however, if it's the veteran biker that leaves the signal on for 12 miles, it is 'bitching' when you mention to him at the next light to turn it off.

When a man asks a mod question at the cycle shop, the mechanic goes into detail and explains it, when a women asks, she gets one of two replies 'is this your husband's bike?' or 'are you sure you've been riding long enough for that... I mean, you ARE talking about changing your mirrors here....'

If your husband is on your bike, it's 'sharp’, if you're on your bike, it's 'cute'. It’s the same bike guys!

It’s always interesting to figure out just how long you're willing to follow that bike you just saw with the rider using the cell phone, while riding, without a hands free device, just so you can tell him he's an idiot.

Wouldn’t it be fun to kick in the door of that car that just pulled out across in front of you??

Why do cars at 4-way stops lose all sense of right of way when you pull up? You could be the last one there, but they'll wave you through first... oh wait.. Why am I complaining about this one?

I am convinced there is no amusement ride that can give you the same thrill and excitement as riding.

Ok, I’m going to go out and ride and see what I think about NOW.

Musings While Riding Alone 2

August 24, 2003

I learned today... when my husband wouldn't go ride with me, and I took off to just goof off and wound up riding 5 hours (yes, I mentally told my physical therapist to go stuff herself and I feel better, more relaxed and less pain now than I have in the past two weeks!!), that for some reason, as I was musing during my drifter hours, that when the Bitter Half and I ride somewhere, he is riding to get somewhere, I am riding just for the sheer enjoyment.

I also learned that I miss the gentle push, slight temperature change and smell of a summer evening shower on the way that lets you know even without looking to the sky.

That I should take a video camera with me where ever I go.

I saw a LARGE sign in a yard, like half a billboard size, with plain stenciled letters on it ..

FOR SALE

BUY OWNER

There was someone cutting the grass beneath it, and I couldn't resist, I was having such a good day, in such a good mood (surprising how no pain effects your outlook!), so I turned around and rode back, pulled over and stopped, the guy walked over to me, and I said....

For sale buy owner, huh? Is he cute?,

Then I rode away leaving him there to ponder it....

Following Miz’s Ass to Peachtree City…

May 28, 2004

Miz is coming to stay the weekend with us.  She gets a late start and doesn’t get near me til about 10:30 pm.  And it’s raining.  So she calls me and I ask where she is, she tells me and I say ‘Stay right there, I’m coming in the car to follow you so you can see better, you’re only 6 miles from me.’

Jim is coming down to hang out with us so I leave a note on the door and some towels on the desk since he will be on his bike also.  And I tell my neighbors if a guy on a motorcycle is wandering around our yard that he is to go on in.  I drive to the gas station she has called from, almost running out of gas in the process, how ironic is that?

When we leave, I tell her, ‘we’re going this way down the highway, at the 4-way stop, turn right, then at the gas station turn left.  I’ll put my blinkers on so you’ll know ahead of time.’  So we head out down the rainy dark highway, we get to the 4-way stop and she turns right.  Her new blinky mirrors are the bomb by the way.  We’re nearing the gas station to turn left at, and I put on my blinker, and she passes the gas station.  I bob my bright/low lights at her.  I honk my horn at her.  She passes the second gas station.  I put on the blinker trying to get her to pull over, honk the horn, bob the lights, lean out the window and wave maniacally, still doesn’t turn.  7 miles later at a red-light I FINALLY get her to pull over.  She says, I thought we were CLOSE!!!  Well, WE WERE!!!

Hahahahaha

So she follows ME back to the house where Jim is waiting on us. 

Soaking Wet Weight…

At the house, She comes in and is ringing out her hair, and proceeds to tell us that while waiting for me at the gas station she found a scale and found out how much she weighs soaking wet since people ask her so often and she doesn’t know.  We’re all laughing our buts off and that’s when I realize this is going to be a GREAT weekend! (by the way, it’s a buck a dime a nickel and four pennies)

Waffle House…

We head out to get something to eat, when I realize that all the restaurants have stopped serving, so we end up at the Waffle House.  We’re talking and laughing and giggling, getting evil looks by everyone in there who is not having HALF the fun we are.

SFPT…

While at the Waffle House, I’m telling them about the what I had been talking to someone else I knew trying to cheer her up.  A story about the Corner Tavern.  I was telling this friend about the bar and the bands and stuff.  The next sentence out of my mouth SHOULD HAVE BEEN, ‘yeah it’s great, you can smoke in there and drink and they have pool tables.’  Notice I said should have been.  What actually came out of my mouth was … ‘yeah, it’s great, you can smoke and fuck on the pool tables in there.’  At which point Miz spews her coffee across the table and right on me.  I really should be getting used to this type of behavior from her…;)  And that is how the SFPT Crew was founded…….

Coyote Strippers-With-Clothes-On-Are Ugly…

For the night’s entertainment, as if the Waffle House wasn’t enough, Jim drives us up to Coyote Ugly in Buckhead.  I hate Buckhead.  But hell, it was raining and we didn’t want to ride anywhere, plus Jim offered to buy, so off to Buckhead we go.  This place is basically a strip club where the dancers keep their clothes on.  Dancing on the bar, swinging on the pole, giving out shots, Abusing the customers… Have I mentioned I don’t like Buckhead yet? 

Bachelor Boy…

We’re not in Coyote Ugly a full two minutes before a drunken guy comes over.  He has on a white t-shirt with a picture of his face on it with the red circle ‘no’ through it.  It is scribbled all over.  He explains to us that he is having his bachelor party there, and would we care to sign his shirt.  Trust me, it took him longer to say it than it did for me to type it.  I take the pen and inscribe some sort of marital bliss wisdom, something like ‘Good Luck cause you’re FUCKED now!’  Ok, it wasn’t something like that, it was EXACTLY like that.  The he hands the pen to Miz and turns around.  So I put a knee in his stomach and clamp the back of his neck bending him over my leg so she can have the best canvas possible for signing his ass.  He left not too long after that… hmmmm….

Miz is a Bar Bitch…

Jim decides to test the soaking wet weight theory.  Picks Miz up………………….and puts her on the bar!  Miz is a now a Coyote Ugly Bar Bitch, don’t let her tell you other wise.  Wish I had picture of her up there dancing and giving out shots….

BodyShot…

This is one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen in a bar.  And I’ve been in quite a few, from uptown to hole in the wall.  This beats it all.  Even what you’ve seen on COPS.  And these guys were PAYING for this.  Sign on the wall said ‘Body Shots $20’.  Didn’t take long for us to witness one of these.  The bartender gets on the bar, gets on her knees in front of the recipient of the shot.  She takes a lime, puts it in her mouth, chews it up, and spits/lets flow the juice from her mouth, down her chest, to her navel, where she has the recipient’s face pressed against her stomach to receive the lime juice.  THEN she puts the shot in HER mouth, spits/lets flow down from her mouth down her chest to her navel where the guy laps up the shot.  The she makes him lick from her navel up to make sure he gets all the alcohol apparently.  HOW DISGUSTING IS THIS?!!?  I’ve tended bar before.  You sweat your ass off; you get stuff on you that you can’t recognize from getting in coolers and bending over the bars.  Did I mention these gals didn’t wear much in the forms of shirts?  Basically bathing suit tops or something similar.  So licking the shot off of her body is gross enough, but SHE PUT THE STUFF IN HER MOUTH FIRST!!!!  UGH!!!  I don’t even want to THINK about that part!!  Not to mention that the barmaids all had their bottle openers stuck down the back of their low-rise pants.  Now Jim, think about this next time you get your beer up there.  That they pull that opener from the crack of their sweaty ass and put it on the mouth of your beer to open it.   UGH!!!

Bouncer and the Shorts Girl…

The bouncer there was a friend of Jim’s and apparently has an insecurity problem.  Why else would he try to intimidate me?  So we’re talking bikes, and I don’t know what else cause I couldn’t hear in the place.  Well we got past that and were comparing tattoos, when he tells me if a tattoo isn’t on your arms, your neck or your face, you weren’t ‘real’.  Really?   Hmmm.  So I told him I LIKED making my money.  He says ‘so do I’.  Then tells me again where the tattoos have to be placed to be ‘REAL’.  This ended with a ‘Fuck you’ from me, and him leaving.  Go make your good money bouncing dude.  It’ll get you ‘real’ far in life I’m sure.  Later we saw the Shorts Girl.  Let’s see how do I say this…. She was built a little, well ok a lot, like the Pillsbury Dough boy.  She had on these really short shorts.  Then she turned around.  They were unbuttoned and unzipped all the way down and folded open.  Where do these people come from?  NO seriously, tell me, I want to avoid it.

Don’t Bend Over in Buckhead…

OK, if you don’t know about Buckhead, 10 years ago it was the place for all the yuppie scum and ‘upwardly mobile’ professional types to go get drunk and act like college kids at the local fraternity kegger.  These days it’s more for HipHop crown and Gangsta wannabes, although the yuppie scum is still there.  God I hope they don’t breed together.  Anyway, with the onslaught of time and change over in clientele, Buckhead is a bit more dangerous than it used to be.

Did ya hear about the superbowl star that he and/or his friends killed?  That was in Buckhead.  Hear about the stalker of the bartender that killed her and her boss outside the club?  That was in Buckhead.  Hear about the yuppie mugging/rollings?  Those are in Buckhead.  We were walking back from the bar to the car, and Miz sees something on the ground.  So she bends over to pick it up. And not sidesaddle, she did a toe touch to get this thing.  Which elicited wolf whistles and catcalls from the two guys behind us.  I grab Miz and tell her never to bend over in Buckhead and we get in the car and hightail it out of there. No pun intended.

Miz gets a little strange pussy…. And it wasn’t Bloody!

And it’s not what you’re thinking either!  One of my cats gave Miz a visit in the middle of the night.  And of course it was the stupid one.  She said he was nudging on her.  The cat can’t figure out to go to the end of the blanket to get under it.  He was pushing on