Cuffed And Bound: Getting to the Other side of Healed

By Himiko Sadiki

This bitch helped me burn my dress.I really should say she burned that dang thing.I couldn't set it on fire myself. I think it was my subconscious mind or my broken heart that still wanted him to choose me. At any rate, as I kept half heartedly, to her encouragement, I attempted to light my dress on fire. She boldly and excitedly marched right o

• Language: English
• Publisher: Himiko Sadiki
• Release date: May 1, 2021
• ISBN: 9781087963051

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PREFACE

W

hen I first started writing this book, I wrote with the intention of being heard and understood. I wanted to have my final word not with a phone call, but with a bull horn. As I continued to write, I realized I was being called to write this book. It was no longer about having the final word but offering you the reader a look inside of how we get in our own way. Finding your way after a divorce, or a breakup is the heart of Cuffed and Bound, and I could feel as I was writing, this would become a movement.

Here lies the blueprint of how to get uncuffed and unbound when things fall apart financially, emotionally, and spiritually. The most important discovery I realized is that I became disconnected from myself and I had to work through everything I did to lose me. Not everyone knows where to start or how to get to the magical three words that Mary J. uses in most of her interviews and your girlfriends tell you when you come to her with a story like this: you need self-love. Writing Cuffed and Bound, became my point of reference, and forced me to evaluate me, with a self-check. To see the patterns that kept me stuck in the cycle of repeatedly being hurt, was the truth I needed to break the hold this particular relationship had on me. I wanted what we all desire; to be loved and understood. Having a second chance to love and be a family with my husband was the life I envisioned when I took those vows on my wedding day. This book provided the visual picture for the blind spots in my own path of life. Now I hope you too will find you are not alone in your journey. This book will light the pathway back to you … let’s get uncuffed and unbound together.

CHAPTER 1

GOING UP IN SMOKE

Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.

Eckhart Tolle

T

his bitch helped me burn my wedding dress. I really should say she burned that dang thing. I couldn’t set it on fire myself.

I think it was my subconscious mind or my broken heart that still wanted him to choose me. At any rate, as I kept half heartly, to her encouragement, I attempted to light my dress on fire. She boldly and excitedly marched right over to me, took the hand-held light, and without any struggle sent fourteen years up in smoke. As I tried to convince myself this is exactly what I wanted, she was right there consoling me. Miko you did the right thing. You don’t want to be with anyone like him. He is a monster. As I stared at the smoke, my response to her was Girl, hell-naw…I don’t want his ass.

How was I so vulnerable and gullible? She wanted my dress burned more than I wanted it burn, and now that I look back, I laugh to myself at how she had the audacity to sing Tony Braxton’s, Had about Enough. As I sat on the edge of the planter boxes in the backyard, which is now the graveyard for my wedding dress, I was forced to deal with the end. How did she even have access to me? Let’s just start by saying, when you are in pain that runs so deep, there are levels of desperation you will vibrate to, just to justify and figure out what you can’t seem to understand about a situation.

When you don’t know how you are going to find a way to get through the day because of your limiting thoughts, you will talk to any and everybody that is close to the situation. I wanted to talk to EVERYBODY that knew my ex. My hope was to get answers, details, and all the 411 that kept me emotionally in the mental cycle of repetition. Every single day, I would wake up and go to sleep talking about my current relationship status or lack thereof. Talking out the pain is supposed to be therapeutic after all…right? After all the shit he and I had been thru, she was one of the weak ass women who had the audacity to write an email to me on his behalf, telling me to move on with my life. She was also one of the women, he asked me to be in a poly relationship with. You read that right, he wanted to turn our monogamous relationship to a polygamous relationship. My response, HELL NO! in all caps...yea we’ll get to that later.

How ironic for the scene from Waiting to Exhale to be playing that very same day my dress was destroyed. As Bernie was pulling and tugging all of her husband’s clothes off the hangers, tossing them in a wagon, so that she can throw them in a car and let it burn, that is how I felt on the inside that day. Watching Bernie drag that wagon back and forth to load more of her ex’s belongings, she is remembering all the sacrifices she made. These were the very same thoughts I kept having. I didn’t appreciate this scene so much until she started saying, 7 3 2.

She said it twice. 7 3 2 – the number of times we made love!

Love is the essence of companionship and when hurt, disappointment, and pain is the results of love, it’s hard to be you. I will never forget that movie or scene for as long as I am alive. As I sat in a daze watching my wedding dress go up in smoke, I realized many truths. Burning that dress was definitely something I thought I wanted to do. This release was not only therapeutic, but it was the beginning of the end and I was not ready.

But I was ready to quit the bad habit. I was ending a cycle of repetition. I could not keep going on like this. That bad habit was my ex. No matter how hard I tried to shake it, I was in love. I was addicted to familiarity. I was addicted to the sex and he was like a drug. Re-writing my destiny was the work I know I needed to do. Trying your hardest to figure out the root cause of any problem, stops the poison from spreading in your thoughts, your personality, and your day- to-day habits. It is the only way out and I had to physically, mentally, and emotionally let go.

CHAPTER 2

DAMN I WANT THAT…

Whatever you gain by lust you end up hating.

-Unknown

Superbowl Weekend 2007

F

resh, out of my-not completely divorced marriage, I am ready to light the world on fire. I am like American Express everywhere you want to be. I met this firefighter, who was nothing but a good time, and I wanted to take my mind off him. So, I decided to spend time with a new friend, that happened to live in Miami. Because he was really cool with some of the teammates from the Denver Broncos; that afforded me a mini vacay to the east coast. I hadn’t been single in so long that the excitement of Superbowl in Miami sounded like a great distraction. This weekend was so necessary.

Miami was exactly what anyone would expect it to be: Superbowl weekend lights, parties everywhere, and the baddest women, groupies, baby mamas, and players all in one city ready to turn up! I felt like fresh meat, ready to dance my cares away. The women I was hanging out with, were all football wives or girlfriends and beautiful in our own way. I remember one of the females was built lean and sexy like Rihanna. Another looked like one of the women from Ethiopia with her natural melanin skin and almond shaped eyes. Then there was me – the northern Cali chick with the high cheek bones and a curvy bootylicious body that I constantly worked out. Always believing that my roots stemmed from Black, White, Mexican, and Creole, I wore a brown A-line tube topped dress and was looking like a Mixed Latina with this really cute twenty-six-inch wavy weave. You could not tell me I wasn’t the best thing since slice bread.

By the time Friday night came, I had enough hanging out with the NFL players. Women were everywhere, chasing and hoping to be chosen. I had never seen anything like this. Everywhere we went there was a line of women just waiting, hoping to be the pick for the night. I couldn’t take it anymore. One, because I was not feeling the guy I was with, and two - it was just a bit too much with women jumping out of trash cans, lifting their shirts like they were at Mardi Gras. I told them, You guys go out. I’m going with your wives and your girlfriends! I had my own money, I was fresh out of a marriage, and I was ready to get my mind right for my rebound. Do not judge me, we all have had a fling. I reminisce and laugh at that moment because that night did not disappoint.

Here we are in the line from hell. The line was wrapped around the building but us 21st century women will not stand or wait in line. We were privileged and being some of the baddest chicks in Miami that weekend, went along way. As I walked up the sidewalk to the front of the Fort Lauderdale, Hard Rock Café, we were headed to this club called Spirit. For some reason, I felt like this would be one of the best nights of my life. The music was pumping, and you could feel the energy vibrating through the line. As we sashayed our ass to the front of the line, the bouncer stopped us dead in our tracks, It’s eighty dollars. We all looked at each other and began to walk the other way. The bouncer then said in his southern draw, wait a minute, yall know we can’t let some of the most beautiful women out here leave. I know what attracts the men. Alright, you got me - twenty dollars ladies. We gave each other the girl if you don’t get yo twenty out your purse and walk in this club, you finna be standing outside waiting for us to come out... look. After all it was Superbowl weekend and twenty dollars to get in any club, bar, or restaurant was a come up.

Boom, boom, boom is all I could hear! The music was coming from everywhere. Three different sounds, three different dance floors, in three different rooms. Boom, boom, boom the music and the vibration was pulling me toward the left of the room closest to the front door. As we all walked in, I looked over and saw this six three fine-ass tall, dark, chocolate man dancing with a woman. He wore a blue collared button-down shirt and boy was he dancing. I looked up at the girls and told them, you guys go ahead. They had no idea I already declared in my head damn, I want that. Those were the precise words I uttered to myself.

Unsure if he was dancing with his girlfriend, I decided to post up. Groupie tendencies are nowhere in my DNA, but I wanted to be chosen just as well. I just knew if he saw me, it was gonna be on and popping. After all who can resist a five two, twenty-six-inch wavy long weave and a dress that popped off every curve. Boom, boom, boom the music was lit and I was standing on the sideline. It felt like forever, but it had only been about ten minutes before I started wandering if he was going to get his butt off the dance floor. I needed to know if that woman was his girl. Stepping on toes was not my forte. Anxiously waiting to see if she would leave and go in another direction, I feel a tap on my shoulder and someone says in my ear, What’s your name? Got dammitt who is this messing up my stake out?

Joanne, I said without ever taking my eyes off my prospect. What? he barked over the music. Now, I must look at this fool because he just moved around to the front of me. Joanne, I said irritated, having to look back very quickly because I was determined to dance with Mr. Six Three. In that quick instance, it looked like he left but only for a second. Next, it seemed like the people on the dance floor were all tired or feet were hurting and before I knew it Mr. Six Three started walking right towards me. I couldn’t help but stare him down. Our eyes locked and never parted. The poor fella to my right noticed. "Why are you staring at my brother like that?

You wanna talk to him? I replied with no hesitation, Yes, I do. Amir, this is Joanne, his brother said. Joanne this is Amir." Yes, yes, yes! I was fist pumping in my head. You wanna dance? he asked. Yeah, was my response. You know I had to be calm, cool, and sexy about it. While walking to the dance floor, I couldn’t help but think, wow I manifested that desire so quickly. It felt like magic. Who knew God was answering prayer requests at the Spirit night club?

The world and noise around us became quiet. It felt like it was just him and I on that dance floor. I was dancing with him as if I were his woman and he was my man. I had my arms draped around his neck and he had his arms around me with his hand resting on the small of my back. He was looking down at me and me up at him. I don’t mean to be rude, but can I touch yo booty? he laughed with this deep southern haughty laugh. I didn’t know what to say so I said Yea.

As he slid his hands from my waste to cuff my booty, he could not help himself. Girl your booty feels like a cloud! I smiled looking up at him. And your hair is so long and beautiful. My mind went to Lord have mercy - please don’t touch the base! I did not want him to know it was a weave. The music was on point, but the company was better. Before I knew it, four hours passed and we were still dancing. Another slow song came on and as I was looking up at him, I saw this glowing light above him. I didn’t know if they were angels or strobe lights, either way, in that moment, God whispered THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND.

Seven months on my own, I was just getting divorced from my first husband and wasn’t really thinking about a new one. But I looked at Amir and said I feel something special about you. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like we are supposed to be with each other. He said, I feel the same way. I usually only dance for ten minutes and then I am on to the next. We held hands and kissed right there on the dance floor. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach as we kissed. It felt so good. After four hours of dancing, we exchanged numbers and I went to find my group, after all I was in Miami to visit a friend. But this I knew was going to be my husband.

So, here’s the thing. We had immediate chemistry. Chemistry is not overrated. Think about the many people you have encountered that you just instantly click with. I’ve heard that chemistry does not qualify for a soul mate. But questions of is this my soul mate, my twin flame, or am I just lusting were floating around in my head? Understanding that you can have chemistry with many different people because of similarities, I didn’t want to be mistaken. So not only did we have chemistry in that moment, but we also had a major connection. It felt like Rihanna’s song Lovveeeee and I literally felt his heart beating through his chest. Until there is a connection between the dots, they are not connected…

Nine-thirty in the morning, my phone is ringing, and I am lying in bed super knocked out at my friend’s house. I see the name Amir appear and it begins flashing across my cell phone screen. Just having left the club at 4am, I was thinking why is he calling so early? Hello? I answered with sleep in my voice. Hey this is Amir. I wanted to be the first voice you heard this morning. Ok, he had my undivided attention. This man was so charming and I was sold! Hey, I groaned back in my I’m just waking up why are you calling so early-is everything ok voice. I wanna take you out, he said. Ok when? Tonight. He answered quickly. What time? I asked. I get off at five. I will pick you up at seven. What’s your address? I’ll text it to you, I replied.

Still very tired from the night before and needing to rest, Amir was not only as a matter of fact, but he was charismatic. He called me a couple times that day before he picked me up and was overly confident in his pursuit. Amir was twenty-three years old but, in this case, age was nothing but a number. Being nine years older than him was just not a big deal to me. Our encounter was different. I told him Look, we can go out, but I am exhausted, I am not wearing any make-up and I am not getting dressed. Now If you’re good with that then I’m down. Perfect. I get to see you in your natural state, he said.

When he came to pick me up in his Nissan Sentra, he was wearing a white sweater with blue and white lines in the chest area, dark washed blue jeans and wheat-colored Timberland boots. I wanted to hear the lyrics to Salt N Pepper’s Shoop and Whatta Man when I saw him get out of the car. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Our first outing was a movie date and no it wasn’t just any movie, but we went and saw Chain Saw Massacre. As we walked in the movies holding hands like we were officially the new Ebony & Ivory duo for Essence Magazine, in that moment I realized, it was a scary movie but thought I could handle it. Scary movies are not my thing. I will say it louder for those in the back. I don’t do scary movies. It wasn’t ten minutes in and here came out the first chainsaw. I flew up out of the seat like I was being chased by the Chainsaw Massacre myself. I don’t do scary movies, I said as I was making my way out the theater. Where are you going? Amir asked puzzled; like girl you know I just spent money on these tickets, popcorn and candy you said you wanted. I didn’t care. I wasn’t watching NO BODY get sawed up.

In true first date fashion, Amir walked out the theater while laughing. But he was sure to let me know that if this weren’t our first date, I would have been waiting outside while he finished the movie. The entire day felt comfortable or maybe I should say familiar. It was like we knew each other from birth.