Power Boundaries: Own Your Energy & Ditch Toxic Relationships

By Holly Tarry

IT'S TIME TO FEEL SEEN AND UNDERSTOOD AS YOUR TRUE SELF

If you find yourself in a rotating door of toxic work environments, draining cycles with friends and family members or oppressive romantic relationships, know this: You do not deserve mistreatment just because it frequently shows up on your doorstep.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tarry Public Strategies
• Release date: Sep 27, 2020
• ISBN: 9780578862651

Holly Tarry

Holly Tarry is a speaker, writer, and coach specializing in brave action and radical transformations. Holly lobbied and campaigned for animal protection before following a lifelong fascination with human behavior and relationships into mediation and facilitation programs. She now works as a coach and educator building more alignment in a difficult world. Through a very intense period of personal change, she confronted a childhood of constructs, joined public fights to combat sexual harassment at The Humane Society of the United States and the Colorado General Assembly, remodeled her marriage and home, and built a totally new relationship with herself. She believes every interaction we have with ourselves and others is a lesson and has adopted a mission of helping others learn about the anatomy of their patterns so they can change them if they wish. You will most often find her asking, "What do you want?" or declaring, "You're the CEO of your life!" She lives in Fort Collins, Colorado, with her complex and very hot husband, beautiful son, panty-eating emotional support dog, and super bitchy cat. For fun, she rock climbs (a.k.a. sits on the rocks in the sun and watches the aforementioned hot husband), runs, sings, and practices yoga. You are most likely to find her in the sun, beside the fireplace, or in the camper van. Wherever she is, she's probably not wearing pants with zippers because they are stupid.

Book preview

TARRY_frontcover.jpg

Advance Praise for

Power Boundaries

This book will allow you to create the boundaries you need in your life, and it will give you the power to enforce your will with greater ease and confidence. Holly Tarry’s vulnerability is deeply touching and her family’s transformation is nothing short of inspirational!

—Melanie Ulle

CEO, Philanthropy Expert

Anyone on a self-healing journey can benefit from the empowering approach to boundaries in this book. As someone who struggled, I found Holly’s work to offer a unique and refreshing approach to boundary-setting. This book is smart and unique and written for the person who wants to protect their energy and own their power!

—Dr. Nicole LePera

The Holistic Psychologist

This book comes at an important time—a time when women have increasing opportunities and increasing demands. Navigating the tangles of this world while maintaining joy and pursuing meaning takes intentionality, and that’s what Holly calls us to do. Like a talk with a best friend, Power Boundaries both challenges you to dig deep and affirms your ability to do the work needed to increase joy and meaning in your life. I have started implementing the practices and I see benefits from my SHERO habits already. All the stars.

—Jessica Campbell-Swanson

Founder, Brighter Day Strategies

My entire life I have looked for and found many incredible SHEROs and Holly is one of them. However, Holly’s book goes farther through storytelling and concrete actions; I now know how to become my own SHERO.

—Faith Winter

Colorado State Senator

A refreshing, honest look at what really happens behind closed doors and how to stand for yourself in the calm and the storm. A guidebook for self-actualization!

—Holly Morphew

CEO + Founder, Financial Impact

Holly Tarry’s book is full of juicy ideas for creating a new structure in your life and not simply accepting the roles and stories you were handed. Her SHERO practice, power boundaries, and power questions are practical and thought-provoking and ones you can implement immediately. Candid, funny, and poignant, her stories pull you in, and her reflections and challenges keep you on the page, fully engaged. What comes across clearly is her passion for helping others to create personally powerful and fulfilling new realities. She’s done it, she lays out how you can do it, and she’s cheering you on as you do. The author shows how we all have a continuum of choices, then walks us through how to create the boundaries and implement the practices to choose consciously for joy and aliveness and energy.

—Nancy Kepner

CEO, Crafted Leadership

Holly Tarry

A picture containing drawing Description automatically generated

Modern Wisdom Press

Boulder, Colorado, USA

www.modernwisdompress.com

Copyright © Holly Tarry, 2020

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the author. Reviewers may quote brief passages in reviews.

Published 2020

Cover Design: Karen Sperry Design

Author’s photo courtesy of Holly Tarry

DISCLAIMER

No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical or electronic, including photocopying or recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, or transmitted by email, without permission in writing from the author.

Neither the author nor the publisher assumes any responsibility for errors, omissions, or contrary interpretations of the subject matter within.

MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

The information in this book is a result of years of practical experience by the author. This information is not intended as a substitute for the advice provided by your physician or other healthcare professional. Do not use the information in this book for diagnosing or treating a health problem or disease, or prescribing medication or other treatment.

For my beautiful, unique, hilarious, wise son, North, who is my greatest love and teacher on my path to being my truest self. What an honor it is to witness your wild heart. You inspire me every day to find myself…and to lean into my goofball island.

Foreword

How could your life be different if you were not responsible for others’ reactions to you? It is an overwhelming concept for most people, especially women, because the core value of a good girl is to be acutely aware of how others respond to us. Thirty-six years as a therapist and my own personal healing work have illuminated that knowing what one wants and keeping one’s energy centered on that knowledge supports both health and happiness. I know this is the paradigm shift that will save our souls. It sounds dramatic, I know. But, like Holly, I have experienced that the truth rarely—if ever—lands softly.

Holly walked into my office about five years ago, a woman shrouded by her sadness and anxiety. But it was her eyes, lit brightly from within, that told me she was meeting the moment. She was more than ready to own her energy. She was in a dark place, a desperate place, but determined to find her truth and live it. I identify my practice as Whole Person Counseling. I am very upfront that this means a good deal of honest, and very often painful, exploration of one’s whole self: physical, mental, emotional, and energetic. It is taxing work—mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Holly was all in; more than that she was hungry for guidance and support. Holly was willing to challenge all her beliefs, fearlessly (and at times, fearfully) evaluating her patterns for a chance at a reintroduction to her essential self. Her determination to do the work was unparalleled. While working with Holly and her husband, Jason, I have seen her put herself through every step she shares in these pages. She is a truth-seeker and a truth-teller. That is not—and has never been—an easy road.

Power Boundaries: Own Your Energy And Ditch Toxic Relationships is a testament to the power of courageous self-exploration. During a recent hopeless period, I witnessed Holly writhing with deep emotional grief for weeks, listening to her body, and following her internal guidance. I watched as, like a phoenix from the ashes, she expanded into her wholeness, purified and free. She asks the power questions and takes deliberate action even in the face of tremendous loss. Holly demonstrates that from the most formidable challenges and deepest losses one can come out clearer, more aligned, hopeful, and more joyful than ever. You are holding the manifestation of one woman’s personal understanding of healing. The reader is given the map, the keys to navigate the terrain, and a peek over the mountain to the other side. Universally applicable, I promise the concepts in this book are a gift to all those who pick it up and use it. And to those who don’t, well, they will undoubtedly feel the necessary paradigm shift to which Holly successfully contributes.

—Kim Nichols, MA, LPC, RYT

wholepersoncounseling.com

Contents

Foreword

Introduction

Chapter 1

The Unseen Effects of Insufficient Boundaries

Let Go of Blame

Face the Fear of Change

Quit the Job You Have No Business Doing

Imagine Life with Power Boundaries

How This Book Works

Chapter 2

My Path to Reclaiming My Energy

Growing Up Learning to Disconnect from My True Self

Managing Problematic Attention from Men

Competing with and Gossiping about Other Women

Feeling Undervalued in Marriage

Claiming My CEO Spot

Chapter 3

The Power Boundaries Revolution

The SHERO Practice

Step 1: Slow Down to Hear Your True Self

Step 2: Harness the Wisdom of Your Patterns

Step 3: Execute Boundaries to Protect Your Energy

Step 4: Re-create and Attract Relationships You Want

Step 5: Own Your Power and March with an Open Heart

Chapter 4

Slow Down to Hear Your True Self

Slow Down

Understand Emotions in the Body

Believe Your Feelings Matter

Connect with Your True Self

Rest in This Step to Regulate Your Nervous System

Turn Concepts into Concrete Action

Chapter 5

Harness the Wisdom of Your Patterns

Find Macropatterns in Life

Notice Micropatterns in Relationships

See Your Role in Patterns

Turn Concepts into Concrete Action

Chapter 6

Execute Boundaries to Protect Your Energy

Identify the Power Boundaries

Relationship-Defining Boundaries

Relationship-Ending Boundaries

Relationship-Transforming Boundaries

Learn & Practice Conflict Tools

Speaking Inarguably

Clear Agreements

Act to Move through Fear

Turn Concepts into Concrete Action

Chapter 7

Re-Create and Attract Relationships You Want

Iterate with Your Boundaries

Holding Boundaries

Relaxing Boundaries

Pushing Boundaries Further

What Power Boundaries Create

Connection

An Atmosphere of Empowerment

Embodied Value

More Justice, More Peace

Turn Concepts into Concrete Action

Chapter 8

Own Your Power and March with an Open Heart

Own Your New Energy

Put Self-Care First

Look Ahead with Intention

Figure Out What You Want

What do I need?

What do I want?

What do I like?

The Practice Continues

Thrive, Even with Your Heart Broken

March with an Open Heart

Turn Concepts into Concrete Action

Chapter 9

Obstacles to the Revolution

Obstacle 1: I am afraid of the direct, interpersonal conflict.

Obstacle 2: I am afraid my whole path will be destroyed by this one conflict.

On the Other Side of the Obstacles

You Can Overcome Obstacles

Chapter 10

It’s Time. You’re Ready.

Practice Radical Self-Care

Develop and Express Your True Self

Require Your Media to Make You Well

It’s Time

About the Author

Holly Tarry

Resources

Further Reading

Further Watching

Further Listening

Websites

Acknowledgments

Thank You

Introduction

I wrote this book because I wanted to. My goal is that by the end, you’re doing things because you want to, too.

I have been on a hard-core journey to hunt joy and meaning for the last several years, and that journey has led me to this book. I see my life, my time on this planet, as my instrument for experiencing joy, or not, for creating meaning, or not. I choose joy and meaning. I’m a big, fat YES to joy and meaning! So I spend a large part of my energy understanding myself and how I define and track down those things.

My husband and