SECRETS of a Strong Mind (2nd edition):: How to Build Inner Strength to Overcome Life's Obstacles

By LaRae Quy

A former FBI counter-espionage agent offers field-tested methods for readers to develop mental toughness. She provides a curated package of tools and techniques to help them realize they are capable of far more than they believe to be possible. 

In this revised and updated edition of Secrets of a Strong Mind, LaRae Quy combines FBI tr

• Language: English
• Publisher: LaRae Quy
• Release date: Aug 15, 2020
• ISBN: 9781735238722

Book preview

Preface

The first edition of Secrets of a Strong Mind shared insights from my twenty-four years as an FBI Counterintelligence Agent and the lessons I learned about leadership and empowerment. The response from readers confirmed that people were eager to learn more about mental toughness and ways a strong mind could help them land on their feet when confronted with the unknown.

As a result, I created the Mental Toughness Center and crafted a forty-five question Mental Toughness Assessment on my website (www.LaRaeQuy.com). The response to the assessment has been overwhelming—over 100,000 people have taken it and learned where they both excelled and which areas need attention.

A strong mind is defined as the ability to manage our emotions, thoughts, and behavior in ways that will set us up for success in both business and life. The second edition of Secrets of a Strong Mind delves deeper into the psychology and neuroscience of mental toughness to give readers a better understanding of how we can build inner strength to overcome life’s obstacles and turn adversity into an advantage. While it includes some of the original stories, this edition is an updated and expanded look at how we can stop being a wimp who settles for mediocrity. Secrets of a Strong Mind (Second Edition) is a straightforward slap in the face to help us start living a life of contentment and fulfillment.

Be. Fiercely. Awesome.

Introduction

"Don’t be a wimp!" It was a phrase I heard a lot as I grew up on a remote cattle ranch in the middle of Wyoming.

Ranching is a serious business at 6,500 feet—the harsh winter blizzards often drive cattle into draws and the lower ground where they can be covered with snowdrifts and suffocate. Don’t be a wimp meant I needed to saddle up a horse in a blizzard to help locate the cattle so we could trail them to a corral for protection.

My parents had an incredible work ethic. As I grew up, I thought everyone worked seven days a week, ten hours a day. In my young world, people took a shower at the end of a hard day, not in the morning so they smelled like a petunia to start their day.

To be called a wimp by my dad was an ugly stain on a person’s character that didn’t easily rub off. Another label Dad foisted upon careless ranch hands and indifferent neighbors was lazy. He had a tendency to drawl out the word lazy and then spit out bastard as a follow up so I knew if he threw down the gauntlet and called someone a lazy bastard, this was a person I should hold in silent contempt.

It might sound as though my dad was harsh, but we lived in an environment where intelligence was no guarantee of success. Dad used yardsticks like wimp and lazy bastard to gauge whether cowhands and neighbors had the backbone to survive in our harsh surroundings where the lives of hundreds of livestock depended on them.

It was the responsibility of each one of us to take the initiative and act when we saw a problem that needed to be fixed. Dad understood the tough benchmark he used to measure others would also help his kids achieve success in life, no matter which profession they followed. As a result, I grew up with the unspoken assumption that I could do anything once I put my mind to it. All I needed to do was focus my energy and apply the spunk required to get the job done.

Failure was never a word used by my parents. If something didn’t work, we tackled it from another direction. When cattle and horses depend on you for their lives, failure is not an option. We required a mindset that always found a way around whatever obstacle stood in our way.

Around the age of eight, I started to understand that boys were often treated differently than girls. In my mind’s eye, boys got to do the fun stuff while girls got the leftovers. I knew how to ride horses, and one summer my brother and I had to share a sweet little mare named Sugar. Dad announced that he needed to help a neighbor trail several hundred heads of cattle over the weekend. I felt certain that, since I was a girl, my brother would be the one chosen to go with Dad and I’d be left behind peeling potatoes with Mom.

In one of the most formative moments in my childhood, Dad looked in my direction and told me to saddle up—I was going on a cattle drive! Smug with joy, I rode out of the corral, tossed the potato peeler at my brother as I passed by, and sat tall in the saddle.

That was a day that changed my life because I had stolen a glimpse into a future where I realized that my only limitation would be my own attitude about myself. I found myself in a cowboy’s world full of saddles, anxious horses, backaches, empty stomachs, and hard mattresses. I loved it!

Once again initiative would be required because even though Sugar was a small horse, she wasn’t a pony, and I was too small to throw on a saddle without help. But how would it look if I whined and complained? This was my chance to be a real cowboy and I would not let anything get in the way. My parents had raised me to be independent when faced with a problem, so I tied Sugar to a fence post and was able to raise my saddle about halfway up her left side. I still had a long way to go but I grunted and pushed the saddle slowly up her ribcage to where it finally rested on her back. Whew! No one witnessed my weak performance, so I quickly cinched up and proudly marched my saddled horse in front of the other cowhands.

I hadn’t thought ahead far enough to realize that I also needed to get on her. As I turned to my horse, I found my nose and stirrup were the same height and realized that I’d need to raise my foot above my head to settle my boot in the stirrup. How in the hell could I get on without help? I watched as one cowboy after another lightly jumped into their stirrup and pulled themselves up in one swift motion. My only hope for getting on Sugar with any dignity, and without help, would be to find something tall enough to give me an advantage. No loading chutes or rock piles were to be found, so I went back to the fence post in the pole corral.

Now, while Sugar was sweet, she wasn’t stupid, either. As I led her inside the corral and climbed up on a pole, she knew the score and moved away before I could mount her. I looked up in desperation as I saw the cowboys head out, one by one, to gather the cattle. Dad knew I struggled back in the corral to get on Sugar, but it was a lesson in independence that I suspect he knew I needed to learn.

He left me behind.

Shit. So much for being one of the guys and trailing hundreds of head of cattle to Bear Creek for summer pasture. I was desperate because if I didn’t catch up soon, I’d never find either the herd or riders. I needed to be creative and the only way I could gain an advantage was to stand on the pole fence. I knew Sugar’s modus operandi by now, so as soon as she backed away, I jumped. I landed on her neck and thank God her mane hadn’t been trimmed because I grabbed a handful in my left hand and whirled my right leg over the saddle horn until it caught something. By this time Sugar was flustered and tried to make an escape, but I pulled myself onto her back and into my saddle.

I kicked her into a trot and caught up with the other horses and their riders. My dad didn’t say a word, but he turned when I caught up and gave a quick nod of approval.

This book provides no hints on how to become happy for the simple reason that happiness is a fleeting, vacuous emotion that feels good at the moment but doesn’t have the heft to take us through life. You won’t find a bunch of motivational quips that promise to change the way you look at life.

Instead, I will share with you the truth of my journey which was filled with disadvantages, self-limiting beliefs, and lack of confidence. In short, I suspect my story might sound and feel like many of you at times: a person who doesn’t fit in with others, outmatched by colleagues, and the underdog in so many respects you’ve lost count. This book is a reminder that a strong mind is a journey that begins with self. You must put down deep roots to excavate the significance of your own stories and experiences.

This is the same mindset that will propel you through, over, or around obstacles and adversity. It’s a mindset that will take you down a path in life that you have chosen for yourself, not the default one that happens when you’re not the one in control. It’s the mindset that will prepare you for the next challenge, and beyond.

Several of the lessons I learned on that cattle drive have continued to build throughout my life and career as an FBI agent. I will share core principles that helped me create a new opening when a door was shut, often slammed in my face:

Shit happens. Life is hard. Pain is inevitable. Growth is optional. Our success in overcoming obstacles depends upon our attitude. We need to develop the mental toughness to push through the obstacles and adversities that life throws at us. It means we take the time to think through our next step. A strong mind has an unbeatable attitude that seeks opportunities to accomplish things we once never thought possible.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. When you do, you’ll find ways to turn shit into sugar. In the process, you’ll grow into a better person.

Independent people put themselves in charge of their life and the direction it’s headed. Not having someone to hold my hand when I tried to get on Sugar created in me a fierce streak of independence; I didn’t need Dad or anyone else to help me. I created my own success, and while hanging on for dear life on Sugar’s neck was neither elegant nor graceful, I got the job done. I developed a can-do attitude that put me in charge of my circumstances.

Never let the labels that others foist upon you hold you back. Take action and create a plan after you’ve given thought to your next steps. Use this as an opportunity to change the lens through which people see you. As a female agent, I faced many assumptions that I would need to overcome. I had to go no further than back to my childhood experiences to understand that I had the power to create my own future.

The obstacles we face can seem insurmountable. We believe they are the reason we can’t accomplish our goals or live our dream. As a result, we often give up and settle for mediocrity rather than take action and change our circumstances. Everyone’s experiences in life are different, but the trajectory of the emotions produced by those obstacles is easy to map out: Fear. Lack of Confidence. Self-limiting beliefs. Anger. Helplessness. Depression.

Many of us blame others for our situation in life, so our answer is simple: we sit and do nothing, disoriented and clueless.

Then how do we explain those who are not paralyzed when confronted with adversity? What do they have that we lack? It’s pathetic to complain that they haven’t suffered the same trials and tribulations that we have, because—guess what?—not everyone gets to play with the red ball in the playground, and we all need to deal with disappointment and things that are unfair. Obstacles are pesky things that first show up in childhood and cling to us throughout adulthood.

At some point we have a choice: we can melt into a puddle of pity, or we can take action and develop a strong mind that harnesses the willpower to move forward. Great people in history have a common thread that weaves through their story—their strong minds look at adversity as a challenge that propels them into action. Whether the obstacle comes from the outside, or within, they aren’t wimps who go soft and expect others to do the heavy lifting.

Success in life requires you to have the initiative to explore your talents and strengths because they are the frontiers that will unlock your potential. Initiative and creativity require the tenacity to break down obstacles as you move into the unknown. Initiative and creativity will enable you to turn adversity into opportunities that will move your world forward.

At eight years of age, I busted through a dangerous stereotype I had created for myself—trailing cattle was a man’s work and I should be somewhere else. With tenacity and pluck, I found a way around my obstacle. Perhaps most empowering was the awareness that stereotypes don’t always come from others. Sometimes we live up to the stereotype of ourselves that we’ve heard others talk about. It’s how we view ourselves.

Later, I became an FBI agent. If I thought the world of cowboys was full of stereotypes, I came across a few more in the masculine-dominated world of law enforcement. My philosophy was this: people stupid enough to rely on stereotypes to make judgments about others are dumb enough to keep making other really stupid mistakes. Wait long enough and they’ll step in something sticky—coming from a cattle ranch, I could smell that shit a mile away.

The stick-with-itness that produces tenacity enables us to see far beyond our current circumstances and to the potential we all carry within us.

The quick-fix mentality doesn’t work in the long run. That’s because the important things in life that lead to fulfillment take time to excavate and polish. We can remain a diamond in the rough for great swaths of our life, but our desire for fulfillment is an attitude that will fuel us for life. Fulfillment is not something we can grab from a self-help book or therapy session. Fulfillment allows us to feel a profound resonance with our deepest values. This assumes, of course, that we’ve discovered something more important than selfies, fame, and money to drive our behavior. Fulfillment requires a journey inward, to a place that is safe and the wellspring for our confidence.

These three interdependent principles will help you create a strong mind: attitude, action, and tenacity.

I’ll trace the roots of my childhood experiences of growing up on a cattle ranch, share the practical tips I learned over my twenty-four-year career as an FBI agent, and look at how initiatives broke down female stereotypes that threatened to keep me within the confines of my self-limiting beliefs.

You’ll learn how to create a strong mind and apply those lessons to your life.

Features to Help You

A TACTICS section follows each of the book’s five parts. Become your own sleuth and make yourself the object of your own investigation. The TACTICS will help you probe beneath the surface to peel back the layers of truth about yourself. Collect data to find out what is true and what works for you. It is not enough to identify what you want to change. If it were, New Year’s resolutions would be a panacea. I believe the best way to improve your chances of success is to see how and why you are unsuccessful in areas important to you. Self-knowledge is the foundation of a strong mind.

The TACTICS are optional. If they do not speak to you now, give them a pass. You can always address them later when you have more time. Each set of TACTICS will help you uncover the truth as it applies to you so you can develop a strong mind.

You will also find:

Point to Ponder: I will summarize each section in a single sentence for you to ponder over during your day or week.

Inspiration: This will be a quote to inspire you that summarizes a truth from the section you’ve just read.

Reflection Question: These questions will help you think further about ways you can develop a strong mind. Write the answers if possible because when you write them down, it helps your brain to clarify your thoughts.

Part I:

Improve Your Life

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

—RALPH WALDO EMERSON

The youth culture of the 1960s has a lot to answer for. They spawned an entire personal development industry that helps us find ourselves and charges a hefty fee at the same time. The theory goes something like this: poke around inside your head until you find your true self. It will wag a red flag or something so you know you’ve found it. From there, you focus on how you feel so you can be more authentic.

The big hole in this theory is that it focuses only on emotions and how you feel. If you want to improve your life, however, you also need to manage your thoughts and behavior. Your thoughts don’t run themselves, and neither do your behaviors; they’re fueled by your emotions, so you need to understand how one affects the other. When you do, you embark on an important journey, one that will build mental toughness and create a strong mind.

Whenever I’m serious about ways to improve my life, I look to the Stoics for an answer. Sure enough, philosopher Heraclitus probed his own mind regularly. He said, "Self-deception is an awful disease and our eyesight is a lying sense." Heraclitus knew that self-deception and our own conceited opinions obscure our ability to see and learn from what goes on in our daily experience. Without this ability, we can’t improve our lives.

Our pampered world tells you it’s okay to quit when something doesn’t feel good. We’ve become a society where everyone is coddled and handed I am special buttons even when we’ve done nothing to earn them. People who whine about how hard life has been for them are nothing but narcissists. There are legitimate victims out there, and our sorry-ass woes only lessen the impact of their story.

The Stoics understood how easy it is for us to fall into a pattern of behavior that does nothing but bolster our entrenched responses and the opinions that justify them. Stoicism was the forerunner of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, one of the most effective psychological tools used by therapists today. CBT proposes that when we change the way we think about a problem, it leads to a change in attitude which leads to a change in behavior. CBT suggests we think about the potential downside of a conversation or event in advance to help you avoid an oh shit moment. Take a critical look at how things could go wrong. You’re not being negative; you’re pragmatic. When us examine how things might not turn out as you expect, you’re better prepared for the battle.

The ancient Stoic philosophers had great tools to help fight the helplessness that sets in when it feels like the world is against you. Stoicism sounds serious, but it started with a bunch of guys in togas who sat on porches over two thousand years ago and taught philosophy. Stoa means porch, so stoicism is actually porch wisdom.

The dictionary describes a stoic like this: Being Stoic is being calm and almost with no emotion. When you’re Stoic, you don’t show what you’re feeling and you also accept whatever is happening. The noun Stoic is a person who’s not very emotional. The adjective stoic describes any person, action, or thing that seems emotionless and almost blank.

This is misleading because Stoics are very aware of their emotions and go to great lengths to understand them. There’s none of that stiff upper lip nonsense with them; Mr. Spock was not a Stoic. They feel every emotion as acutely as anyone else. They acknowledge, experience, and then domesticate them to achieve inner calm. In other words, they keep control of their emotions so they can stay calm in the face of daily stress and hard times.

Stoic philosophy asks us to differentiate between what we can change and what we can’t. We can’t control the weather, stock market, our genetic makeup, or the rudeness of a stranger. We can yell and shout but it won’t make a difference. We can wish and hope, but no matter how hard we try, there are many things we can’t change or control.

Since we can’t control external events, we need to focus