NEVER ALONE IN THE DARKNESS: The Shared Journey of Losing a Child

By Carrie A Gibson

NEVER ALONE IN THE DARKNESS The Shared Journey of Losing a Child was written for readers to feel as though they are sitting at the kitchen table, sharing a cup of coffee and conversation with the author. After losing her son in 2017, Gibson, felt isolated, walking on the edge between reality and insanity. She had no idea if what she was feeling

• Language: English
• Publisher: Chosen One Press
• Release date: Oct 18, 2019
• ISBN: 9781734053722

Book preview

Introduction

After losing a child, I felt isolated, as if I was losing my mind, and I had no way of knowing if what I was feeling was what other mothers felt when they went through the nightmare of their new life. I decided to write a book so other mothers would always have a reference to read, at any given point in their grief, so they would be able to identify with a mother who knew firsthand what they were feeling.

I also wanted to help readers who had not lost a child obtain a better understanding of why a grieving mother behaves or thinks the way she does throughout the adjustment period. A change takes place that we have no control over, nor ever wanted.

Our stories are as different as we are. Our skin, hair, and eyes may be a different color from each other. Our economic or educational level may be different. Our parenting styles may differ. Our faith and spiritual lives may be opposite, or even non-existent in some cases. Our geographical locations may be continents apart. Our children’s stories are as different from each other as the cause of their passing.

When all that is taken into consideration, we must admit we are not different at all. We bleed the same. We cry the same. We are all filled with new, unwanted emotions. Our new normal stories all began the same.

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE

****

We are a special group. Not a group we ever wanted to be affiliated with. Unfortunately, we had no choice. Life throws curveballs at us every day. Well, this time it has thrown a fastball, right down the center of the plate, and we weren’t wearing a chest protector. Life hit us square in the chest! We were split in half. Our heart shattered under the contact of the news. The slivers of our hearts can’t be put back the way they were. Pieces are missing and no matter where we look, we can’t find them. The world is moving without us and we don’t care. Our bodies are trying to grab at anything to stop time. We want time to go in reverse. We replay our lives in our minds before that day. We want to press the rewind button. As hard as we try, we can’t get past the memories of THAT day. It replays in our minds like aftershocks of an earthquake. Details we may not have been aware of yet are clear in our heads now.

But life goes on, with or without our participation. As we stand in a room full of people, we only feel alone, and we ask ourselves what happened to our lives. We keep moving, blindly weaving through life’s challenges and events, like a sailboat through a storm. Up and down, tipping ever so close to the edge, in pure darkness. We stay the course, heading toward the bright light. We know it must be better in the bright light…

THE WORLD CHANGED

****

On July 7, 2017, at 12:20 p.m., our life as our family knew it to be, changed forever. One of the most amazing things about that day is that I can remember every detail and order in which everything occurred up until about 12:30 p.m. Preparing for a next day graduation party for our youngest son, Jack, who just graduated from high school had been consuming my time since 5:00 a.m. I was excited that there would be friends of ours from out-of-state coming for the celebration. I had given Jack the instructions of etiquette for the next day. He needed to socialize with adults as well as his friends. He also needed to thank everyone as they left. He understood. I know, Mom! became the comment of the morning.

Macaroni salad was the focus of my morning. There were so many things to do that I was attempting to multi-task. At one point, after making 4 lbs. of mac salad for the 150 guests who would be there the next morning, I made one final batch that could’ve been a fatal mistake. I use bleach to clean my kitchen and bathroom drains. I had put it on the laundry room floor, next to the bottle of Vinegar I used for fabric softener in my washing machine. While realizing I needed one more pound of macaroni salad, I quickly grabbed a bottle from the floor and poured it into the mayonnaise mixture for the pasta.

Suddenly, I could smell a swimming pool in my kitchen. Where was the chlorine smell coming from? Then I grabbed the bottle on the table. Oh my God! It was bleach! Instead of putting vinegar in the mayonnaise, I had put BLEACH in the bowl! I started to shake and yelled, Oh My God! I could’ve killed my guests! Jack and my husband Darrel came running.

After I quickly threw the mixture away, the guys started laughing hysterically at me. The jokes started flowing immediately. I made a new batch of salad dressing sauce, put the salad into zip lock bags, and stacked them in the refrigerator. This was normal party prepping at the Gibson house while attempting to multi-task and give directions to two of the men in my world. If the third man had been there, he would have been the one issuing the orders! A typical morning. Or so I thought.

I hadn’t had anything to eat that morning and was starting to feel dizzy. My husband, Darrel insisted that I take a break and eat some leftover sub from the night before dinner. I hadn’t even showered yet! I was still in my pajamas. My hair looked like I’d styled it to pass myself off as Don King! I looked around the kitchen at the mess. I’d tried to clean up a little as I made batch after batch of mac salad, but I also had one electric roaster plugged in cooking pork roast for pulled pork.

I started to think of how well organized I was to have all this done ahead of time. I would have time tomorrow to socialize with my two best friends that were coming to help in 24 hours. I knew not much work would be done at that time. It would become a gab fest at that point, so I better have everything done before they came. I had to laugh at the thought of what would be going on in my kitchen in 24 hours. I smiled.

The doorbell rang. Darrel said, I’ve got it and went to answer the door. When he opened the door, he came into the kitchen and said, The police are here to see you. I said, aloud, with obvious irritation, Are you kidding me? I’m not even dressed yet!

A NAME

****

Before I go any further, I think I should introduce myself. Some people may wonder what the importance of my name is when writing this, but I think it’s important to have a basis to understand who I actually am. And let’s face it…we all start with our name!

I have been known by many different names to many different people throughout my life. I’m known as Care, Oscar (a lovingly assigned high school nickname), wife, Honey, Babe, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, boss, co-worker, friend, and yes, even enemy to a few. Who I am at any given time depends on what name I answer to in that moment. Every mother will understand what I mean. My life’s experiences have instilled a knowledge in me that may equate to the proverbial wisdom obtained with age.

The name I was given at birth was Carrie Ann. I was named for my two paternal great-grandmothers, Carrie and Ann. Both were incredibly strong women. One, Carrie, a single mother raising three boys during the depression. The other, Ann, an Irish immigrant, raising six children and losing her husband. Both women were head-strong and neither one gave into the depth of despair when they lost one of their children. They kept going. They recognized there were others that needed them. During those years you took one hot New York minute to grieve and you moved forward. Both of my great-grandmothers lived to be 99 and 98. My mom calls that good stock. I refer to it as a helluva’ long time to carry suffering.

There is another name that I also share with my great-grandmothers. MOM. It is the word that holds more meaning than all the others above. I believe the essence of your being changes from the day you discover you are going to be a mom. Yeah, we all know hormonal changes take place, but your essence is the core of who you are and will be in the future.

We are all born as needy individuals. We need an adult to care for us. We are dependent upon our parents to sustain our lives. Our children are physically connected to us umbilically from the moment of conception, whether it is umbilically connected in uterine or connected in the heart. When you learn you are a mom, from the moment of being told you are pregnant, you suddenly become the most selfless state of your being. Even as an adoptive parent, when you hear you are being given the gift of another’s biological child, a mom begins to perfect her selfless behavior. All you can think of is preparing to be your best self for the little being that will be arriving in your home. And when your baby is put into your arms for the first time…WOW!

Sometimes the magical transformation occurs instantly. Sometimes not. You may not be bonded with your child initially, but you know that your purpose of existence has changed forever. Even if you’ve experienced post-partum depression, at your core you know there is another life depending on you. It just happens to be a bit overwhelming at that time, whether physically or emotionally, for some moms.

Sacrifices are not viewed as such. It’s just what you do without thinking about it. Changing time schedules are natural after a while. First it is feeding schedules, then it becomes band concerts, baseball, basketball, and football games, then college spring breaks, then work schedules and girlfriends’ family events.

All through the years I remain known to the two most important humans in my life as Mom. Trust me…I’m sure there have been many times when I was referred to, under their breath, with a less than favorable title. That’s alright. That means I did my job correctly. My two sons always knew I was not their friend, but I will always be their mom! Forever! No matter what!