The Loner

By Indey Cruz

They all judged me, they all kicked me when the chips where down, They couldn't see the broken person inside who was lost. All they could see was a chance to hurt me. They did their worst at the worst possible time in my life. After I could not drop any further into the darkness which became me, I committed suicide. It takes a lot for a person to take their own life. The story is true and the issues and horrific things that happened to me are recorded inside this book. Emotional baggage for some people can not only weigh them down, it can also take then into alienation which is a path way to taking ones life. However, before alienation takes hold of a person. The loner person inside awakens, who no longer makes excuses for ones troubles; who no longer cares for life and life's troubles. This book is about pain, and how to deal with it. More importantly how to detect the signs of a loved one who is about to take their own life. Read it and open your mind to the world of emotional baggage and how it effects the loner person inside.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Indey Cruz
• Release date: Jan 18, 2021
• ISBN: 9781393833352

Book preview

Introduction

Chapter 1 – Guiltiness and defensiveness

Chapter 2 –incessant people pleasing skills

Chapter 3 – intense people pleasing skills

Chapter 4 – single and ready to mingle soon

Chapter 5 – overcoming othering

Chapter 6 – conflicting minds

Chapter 7 – Overcome Disagreement(s) through texts

Chapter 8 – Expectations

Chapter 9 – Self-Doubting

Chapter 10 – Affection

Chapter 11 – Obsession

Chapter 12 – Unhinge F.E.A.R from my life

Chapter 13 – Discouragement

Conclusion

Introduction

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Sometimes when the worst transpires in our relationships. We pretend everything is okay. But it is rarely not. I, for one, had a tough time understanding why everything happened to me.

I mean all the effort that I put into the relationship, and then it just failed. I couldn’t except that, because I tried so very hard and as soon as I got past the winning line (marriage). Everything just broke apart piece by piece.

Was it me, was it my partner, why? Why us?

So, I needed to understand the dynamics of what happened, so I don’t make another mess like this. I mean, it was indeed a horrific time for me. Because those words that meant so much to me, once. ‘I love you,’ now seem to bring sorrow within. Especially when somebody you love reiterates those words with "I don’t love you anymore.’

And your life partner who was supposed to stay with you forever, seem to have other agendas. I still remember those giggles of yesterday. Sometimes they even make me laugh. I mean, what I couldn’t understand is that people in relationships tend to have arguments and disputes all the time, but they seem to get past it effortlessly. But each time we seem to have any debate or discussion, it seemed like the finale of our relationship.

I was brought to my knees and made to lose arguments; otherwise, my partner would threaten to leave me. So, I needed to understand why I acted the way I did. And how my partner obtains this kind of control over me.

Sometimes when we are in love, we can’t overlook small infringement of controlling behaviour. Sometimes we give in and don’t realize that we are creating a big issue down the road. I remember I use to give in quite a lot to please her. From which my partner got used to getting her way.

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Anyway.

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I was looking back at other relationships, which also did not work. I have ascertained that some issues are surrounding my understanding of what is needed in a relationship. So, I needed to take myself apart piece by piece until I realized what made me tick.

To my surprise, there were many different areas which were identified where things did not add up. So, I made a list of what was bothering me. And I started to work on every piece of me so I couldn’t understand why I was behaving the way I was. More importantly, what my fault was for my partner to betray my trust.

It has taken a long while to get this far. I have had more pain than I can bear in my life. I bought myself to the brink of suicide. I couldn’t see myself living without my partner. My partner was a big part of my life. And every morning I would wake up to a panic attack, instead of a warm cuddle. It is those kinds of things that hurt the most in the end. It got so, bad that I had to buy a single bed. I just couldn’t cope with the emptiness on the other side of the bed.

I have compiled my research into the phenomena of ‘myself’ and what I came across. I believe sometimes people learn from someone else who is going through a similar situation.

So, I thought to write everything down because this, too, is a healing in itself. But as I was writing the way, I realized that this information could help somebody else. For that reason, I am publishing my findings and how I overcame the most significant pain in my heart in my entire life.

I hope this book finds its way to people who need to heal. Especially those people that need to understand why their partner has left. Sometimes it is those small liberties that we take for granted. Which, in the end, tills up, into a massive emotional debit which we overlook? And ultimately, this pays the way for the separation of a relationship.

Chapter 1 – Guiltiness and defensiveness

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So, here's what happened to me:

The guilt of the past,

She left, and I didn't go after my partner, because my partner left one too many times. Perhaps it was meant not to be, but what if?

Did I do enough,

did I do something less or more than I was supposed to,

did I do something wrong,

These thoughts find their way to me sometimes; occasionally, the ideas catch me off guard as my mind wanders.

My mind remembers the highlights of those beautiful times. Some of us keep such thoughts sealed deep inside.

My mind plays the memories back repeatedly as would a scratched record playing the same tune over and over because sometimes remembering the moments are more memorable than remembering where the moments lead.

Sometimes after the love and gut feelings have passed, I tend to remember the good old times. This does bring some tears at times, I just can't help it, the tears just create a waterfall all of a sudden.

And then I just want to live in an ocean of memories and remember those little imperfections that made my partner unique.

Even though it pains me to say, I did love my partner with all my heart, we have not the intensities to hold back the power of feeling when it comes to the matters of the gut (issues of the heart).

At times my mind does wander to the edges of this world and beyond. Looking for answers which can better explain why this happened to us.

The guilt of present,

I think if I move on, and my partner comes back, how do I make the room in my life for my partner.

So, I live in the hope of the past, rather than seek out another potential life devotee. I see the other couples having togetherness, and I wonder who my partner is with. This brings me great sorrow.

It's like I am going out with a ghost, I can't picture myself with someone else. A billion more fish in the sea; yet my mind searches the vast oceans for my partner. Because my partner was my wall of might, well when my partner remembered to put the glue in between the foundation blocks of our affiliation. I let my partner go. I will have to live with this for the rest of my life.

Again, the same thoughts; the difference, that the past haunts my present.

The guilt of the future,

I remember all those times when we were together, and it breaks my heart every time I realize my partner is gone. Every morning the bed feels so spacious, remember those days when we would wake up in the middle of the night because my partner had danced in my partner sleep and nearly threw us off the bed.

These memories haunt me every day because they will now be something we use to do. How can one move on when all I see is my partners face; when I try to move on, I feel like I am cheating on my partner.

So, when women ask me, are you with anyone!

My answers are, it's complicated; we are separated, or yes, I have someone in my life. later I think to myself, 'I have a memory of my partner in my heart,' and that's enough because that memory keeps me ticking until our paths realign.

I try to overlook how much my partner meant to me, I even try to move on, but I can't. I really am struggling to cope in that sense, because my partner was not only my wife; my partner was my best friend, my lover, my bed pal, my life partner, my soul mate, my most trusted companion and my confidant who broke my trust in more ways than one.

Sometimes I think, because my partner was so many things rolled up into one, perhaps that's why my partner broke our trust so many times.

So, I have to come to terms with a great many empty spaces in my life. Not just an empty feeling inside.

So, some of us build a wall, a barrier that is impenetrable to any future advances. The fence erected when some of us find ourselves lost, heartbroken, and can't seem to function without the life companion that is now is a stranger again.

So, instead of seeking someone else, some of us make it impossible for people to come close to us.

Thus, my excuses for women when they show me affection; I remember once I went on a date and soon as my date made a remark like my partner would have in particular situation. I remember, I started to feel emotional and couldn’t continue dating.

How I got through it! Try the following, as there's a term used in matters of the mind in meditation called 'mind-hacking.' So, I used the following method with reflection hidden practices, which can be found on Gaia.com, tearswithin.com, and mytearswin.com.

The results

I have put what I did to overcome this, in a series of steps below, follow them and see where you find yourself.

Here’s what I did!

Step one – understanding our defences

So, some of us put up our defences and start to adopt defensiveness issues. And this is when some of us may argue with anyone who looks remotely interested in