Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Other Women

By B.J. Gallagher

The author of A Peacock in the Land of Penguins shares an inspiring collection of stories, anecdotes and insights by incredible women of all walks of life.

The world is full of inspiring women. Some overcome the seemingly impossible. Some follow their dreams into uncharted territory. Some rise to incredible heights of achievement. And some act as mentors to other women, helping them find spiritual fulfillment, creative expression, and personal satisfaction in life.

Inspirational lecturer and author B.J. Gallagher has encountered many such women in her life and work—from clients and coworkers to shopkeepers, neighbors, relatives and others. In Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Other Women, she shares their wisdom through short stories, personal anecdotes, inspirational quotes, remembrances, and even comedic one-liners.

In this inspiring volume, B.J. helps reveal truths about the topics most women care about: friendship, love, sex, motherhood, food, body image, and happiness and fulfillment.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Oct 15, 2002
• ISBN: 9781609251994

Book preview

By Way of Introduction …

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL, I thought that when kids became grownups, they stopped changing — that adulthood was a state of stability. Once you grew up, I figured, that was it — you were you. But when I became an adult, I learned that I had been mistaken — the growing never stops. And the learning never stops … if I am open to it. Over the years I have learned from books and newspapers, from movies and TV, from preachers and teachers, as well as from my own life experiences — but mostly I have learned from other women.

My mother was the first woman in my life, and she is still the most important. But she was not my only teacher. Other women have also been powerful influences on me — on my thinking, on my ability to relate to men, on my career, and on the kind of person I am today. Among these are friends, relatives, friends of friends, professors, authors, spiritual women, secular women, artists, neighbors, professional colleagues, and many, many more. I've been influenced by women I didn't know personally: women authors, poets, and musicians, women in the movies and on TV, political women, women in religion, famous women, notorious women — many of them have taught me important lessons. Each woman has left a bit of herself with me — an indelible imprint on my psyche, on my soul.

Women learning from other women is the theme of this book. In compiling stories for this book, I wanted to include not only lessons from women in my own life, but from others' lives as well. I asked friends and family; I inquired among my professional colleagues; I sent out Internet queries; and I even pestered friends while we were vacationing together in Mexico. I asked lots of questions:

Where is it that you learned the important lessons of life?

Who are your teachers, your role models?

Where do you look to understand what it means to be a woman, how to live a fulfilled life, how to decide what's important, and what's the meaning of it all?

I hope the stories I have gathered in this book might help you live your life a bit happier, a tad healthier, and maybe with a smidgen more fun, too! True wisdom is the ability to learn from other people's experiences — without having to go out and reinvent the wheel. This book is my gift to you — may it bring you a little bit of wisdom and lots of inspiration.

With love and laughter,

BJ Gallagher

I

Attitude Is Everything

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

—Tallulah Bankhead, actress

Happiness is available … help yourself reads the sign on the wall over Anita's desk.

Mind over matter, my mother reminds me.

Happiness Is a Choice is the book on my friend Jackie's coffee table.

You'll see it when you believe it — not vice versa! the seminar leader asserts.

BJ, you need an attitude adjustment today, my friend Anne scolds me.

I am grateful for the regular reminders of how important attitude is because sometimes I forget. I need these messages every so often — like little Post-it™ notes from the Universe — so I'll remember how my attitude affects my relationships with other people, how it influences the quality of my work, how it impacts my health, and how it determines how much I enjoy life.

Other women have taught me much about the critical role that attitude plays — in good times and in bad. Most importantly, they taught me that I can choose my own attitude! It's not something immutable in my DNA over which I have no control. My attitude is not cast in concrete — in any given moment I can choose to change it. I may not be able to control what happens in the world around me, but I can certainly control how I respond to it.

It's true what they say, What you expect is what you get. Attitude is everything.

It's Mind over Matter

MY MOTHER WAS TERRIFIC at turning negatives into positives. We were a military family, which meant that every few years, sometimes every few months, we had to pick up and move to a new city or town — sometimes a new country! I always lamented the loss of my friends whenever we had to move. And my mother invariably said, You're not losing your friends; you get to keep them, and you get to make some new ones too! She wasn't just rationalizing — she genuinely believed it. She had this instinctive ability to take problems and turn them into opportunities, to find the proverbial silver lining in whatever clouds came her way.

Psychologists have a fancy term for this — they call it reframing the situation. How you respond to something emotionally is a function of how you frame it cognitively. If you think about moving as a loss, then you will feel grief and sadness. If you think about moving as a new adventure, then you will feel excitement and anticipation. My mother didn't have a degree in psychology, but she instinctively understood how to reframe situations for herself and her children. This ability is one of the most valuable legacies I inherited from my mother.

Mom knew that children often take their cues from their parents. If parents are upset by a situation, their kids will be too. If parents take things in stride and adapt to change quickly and easily, chances are, so will the kids. She understood the importance of modeling the kind of behavior you want from your children. She viewed each move in a positive manner, looking forward to the opportunity to move into a new house or apartment and decorate it, enjoying the creative challenge posed by changing nests frequently. (Dad often joked that whenever Mom got our home fixed up just the way she liked it, she'd look at Dad and say, I'm done now. I guess it's time to move again! And often it was.)

Mom enjoyed the packing and sorting, the organizing and weeding out. She liked finding new things in the new location to create a warm, homey environment for us. We didn't have a lot of money, but she was resourceful in buying things from thrift shops, making things herself, and finding bargains in antique stores. She made moving an adventure for herself, and she taught me to do the same.

There were other ways in which her philosophy about attitude influenced my own ideas about attitude. One of her favorite sayings was, Mind over matter. She invoked this mantra whenever I was whining or complaining (as kids often do). Mind over matter was an all-purpose panacea for assorted and sundry problems. Feeling lonely? Instead of focusing on your aloneness as a problem, view it as an opportunity to do something that requires solitude, like writing or cleaning your closet. Unhappy because of bad weather? Look at it as an opportunity to stay indoors and get something done. Feeling sad because something or someone disappointed you? Make a gratitude list and see all the wonderful things you have going for you!

Over the years, I had many opportunities to see how Mom's mind over matter mantra worked in all sorts of life situations. I even went so far as to see if it would work with jet lag! I travel a lot on business, and like most people, I used to feel tired and a bit disoriented whenever my destination was in a different time zone. I just accepted it as jet lag.

About ten years ago, while on a business trip to Denmark, I decided to try an experiment with jet lag — to see if mind over matter would work on it. The plane left Los Angeles. When it was light outside, I stayed awake. When we flew over the North Pole and it was dark, I slept. When we arrived in Copenhagen, I set my watch on local time, two o'clock in the afternoon, and proceeded with the rest of my day, seeing some of the sights and having dinner with a friend. I never allowed myself to think about what time it was in Los Angeles. As far as I was concerned, the local time was the only time that was relevant. I went to sleep that night at my usual time, and got up the next morning at my usual time. I experienced no jet lag. Son of a gun, mind over matter really worked!

What's more, I've never had jet lag since then. I fly coast to coast with no problem. Time zones don't phase me a bit. I just set my watch on the local time, and that's what time it is for me. I don't think about what time it is back home. It's not important. What is important is that I don't get jet lag.

My mother taught me volumes about the power of the human mind and my ability to choose my attitude in any situation. Reframing problems into opportunities and practicing mind over matter — these attitudinal lessons have made my life easier and more fun. Thanks, Mom.

Dear BJ,

It's so hard, even at my age, to admit that my mother has valuable words of wisdom:

Nothing changes but the attitude, and everything changes.

I was reminded of it by a recent Zits cartoon where the kid, Jeremy, is very grouchy over breakfast. His mother is obnoxiously cheerful and suggests many reasons to be happy — beautiful day, etc. The last frame shows Jeremy leaving the house, grumbling that he hates to admit it, but his mother is right. She's just ruined a perfectly good funk.

Well, I hate to admit it, but my mother is right. You can change the way you look at things, and it does make a difference. It's all in the category of taking responsibility for your own life.

Regards,

Lynn Shaffer, architect

What do you hang on the walls of your mind?

—Eve Arnold, photographer

Life is raw material. We are artisans. We can sculpt our existence into something beautiful, or debase it into ugliness. It's in our hands.

—Cathy Better, poet, writer, editor

Cultivating an Attitude of Gratitude

The mind is a mismatch detector. It always notices what's wrong before it notices what's right. This isn't all bad — it's the way our brains are hardwired to ensure our safety and survival. Millions of years ago, if you came home to your cave and your few possessions were not as you had left them, you were instantly alerted to the threat of an intruder. Same thing today — when you notice something out of place, a warning signal goes off in your brain, sending you the message: Something's wrong here … be alert! It serves you well to have your brain scanning for what's wrong.

The problem is, too much of a good thing becomes a liability. Many of us have cultivated fault finding to a high art — noticing every little thing that could be better in each and every situation. We drive people around us crazy with it, and we induce a state of chronic dissatisfaction in ourselves.

My friend Kym taught me to make gratitude lists, to balance out the fault finding that naturally takes place in my mind. It is a way of retraining my brain and refocusing my attention on what's right, rather than what's wrong. Doing a gratitude list will pull me out of my critical mode almost instantly. It is also a good antidote to self-pity and depression.

Here are just some of the many things I'm grateful for:

My good health

Intelligence and creativity

My growing, changing spiritual life

Lovely weather where I live

My sweet little hilltop house

My wonderful cats

Healthy family members

My reliable car

The many freedoms I enjoy as an American

Friends who love me

Making my living writing and teaching

Laughter and surprises

Mandy Patinkin concerts and Anthony Hopkins movies

and so much more…

What are the things on your gratitude list?

The Buddha walked away from his wife while she was sleeping. I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to leave anybody behind. Happiness is right here, right now, in this world, in this room. I am happiest wherever it is that I am.

—Alexandra Stoddard, author of Choosing Happiness

What Will You Do with Two More Years?

In 1996, the life expectancy for women stood at seventy-nine years; for men, it was seventy-three years. Projections for 2010 show life expectancy will be eighty-one years and seventy-four years, respectively.

A Wonderful Hat Makes all the Difference!

I HAVE MY OWN PERSONAL Auntie Mame. Eccentric, colorful, entertaining, exasperating, larger than life, and impossibly outrageous, she is Eloise Elizabeth Jensen Chamberlain Kozak. She is my mother's sister — and you couldn't find two more different women. My mother is bookish, shy, and introverted, preferring her garden and her cats to people. Auntie El, as I call her, is extraverted, extravagant, talkative, and always the center of attention. Both women were stylish when they were younger — but it was Eloise who really had the flair for putting herself together. She bought expensive designer clothes and took superb care of them, making them last for years.

As she got older, Auntie El put on weight, a lot of it. But she still managed to look handsome and elegant somehow. I marveled at how she could do that. Whenever I gain weight, I just want to cover it all up with XL T-shirts and straight-leg jeans. But Auntie El would never be caught dead in jeans. She wore pearls, a heavy gold bracelet, her emerald and diamond rings, beautiful expensive shoes, and flowing colorful caftans. She looked like an aging film star — zaftig and boozy, but still a commanding presence.

And then there were the hats — she always loved hats. She wore classy, sophisticated hats in the ’40s and ’50s, when she lived in San Francisco. When she and Uncle Andrew moved to Sedona, Arizona, about sixteen years ago, she started wearing Western-style broad-brimmed hats — each with its own stunning hatband. My favorite was a brown suede Stetson, trimmed with a narrow black leather band studded with genuine turquoise nuggets. When she walked into a room with that hat, everyone took notice.

I went to visit Auntie El in Sedona a couple of years ago, and over lunch one afternoon I commented on her beautiful collection of hats. She smiled knowingly and leaned over to whisper something so that her husband wouldn't overhear: I wear these stunning hats so that people will look at my face and not my big tush! she confided conspiratorially. She was right — that's exactly what people did.

Auntie El summarized succinctly what generations of women have been doing for hundreds — no, thousands — of years. She understands the power that clothing and accessories have to draw the eye to the most appealing part of the female body. Auntie El's couture lesson was not news to me, but it distilled the essence of female fashion wisdom in such a simple sentence that it stuck with me. Today,