DARE TO RISE UP: Reclaiming Your Power in the Aftermath of Domestic Violence

By Norma M. Visagie, DNP, Carol Ann Sauls Hendricks, RN and Raymond Aaron

Violence is a complex phenomenon. When power is leveraged over the mind, body, and spirit, where in the galaxy can the survivor of domestic violence escape? Domestic violence mutates and traverses every major component of humanity. This book provides an in-depth discussion of culturally specific issues and systems of oppression impacting the diverse spectrum of domestic violence survivors. Healing from domestic violence requires that we question, interrogate, understand, accept, and then love the parts of ourselves that society and our abuser diminish. All efforts to end violence against women ultimately have to return to this question: How do we change societal values so that women's rights to live free of insults, invasion, disempowerment, and intimidation are respected?

Domestic violence is not uniquely intersectional. In fact, most things are related in some capacity to ours and other social identities. We can and should apply intersectionality to everything we do. More than a theory, intersectionality offers a way of living with, thinking about, and contributing to the world around us. As members of a global community, it's essential to understand each other's nuances and instrumentalize those nuances in global problems. The goal of this book was to express some of the differences in our experiences of violence. Topics like Islamophobia, Antisemitism, disability rights, Christian cults, abuse in domestic violence shelters, modern slavery, and welfare politics are also relevant to our discussions. While it's not possible to get to everything in a book of this size, I hope you are engaged and ready to take on those topics individually. If this book is your introduction to domestic violence, I hope you will continue to "do the work" as they say, and think about what wasn't covered here, or what you'd like to learn more about.

And furthermore, as we hope this book respects, domestic violence is not solely an issue of heteropatriarchy or male supremacy...

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Dec 1, 2020
• ISBN: 9781772773958

Book preview

DARE TO RISE UP: Reclaiming Your Power in the Aftermath of Domestic Violence

http://stillyourises.com

Copyright © 2020 by Dr. Norma Visagie, DNP | Carol Ann Sauls Hendricks, RN

ISBN: 979-8554354458

eISBN: 978-1-7727739-5-8

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise. Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the authors have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the content of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular group.

The names, identifying characteristics, and other relevant details of the anecdotal cases in this book have been modified to protect the privacy of these individuals. This book is not intended as a substitute for advice from a trained counselor, therapist, or other mental health professional. If you are currently in counseling or therapy, check with your mental health provider before altering or discontinuing your therapeutic regimen. While the authors have made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the authors assumes any responsibility for errors or for changes that occur after publication.

The information is not presented as a source of legal advice. You should not rely for legal advice on statements or representations made within the book or by any externally referenced Internet sites. If you need legal advice upon which you intend to rely in the course of your legal affairs, consult a competent, independent attorney. The authors do not assume any responsibility for actions or non-actions taken by people who have read this book, and no one shall be entitled to a claim for detrimental reliance on any information provided or expressed.

The authors are not providing medical advice and are not writing anything against the medical and pharmaceutical industry. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor authors shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages. Readers should be aware that Internet Websites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.

Published by:

10-10-10 Publishing

Markham, Ontario

First 10-10-10 Publishing paperback edition November 2020

Table of Contents

Dedication

Foreword

Acknowledgments

About the Book

Prologue

Introduction

PART 1: OVERVIEW

CHAPTER ONE: A BRIEF OVERVIEW OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

CHAPTER TWO: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AS AN INSTITUTIONAL PROBLEM

PART II: PSYCHOLOGY OF SURVIVORS AND ABUSERS

CHAPTER THREE: WHAT DEFINES AN ABUSER?

CHAPTER FOUR: WHY PEOPLE STAY IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

PART III: SEXUAL ASSAULT

CHAPTER FIVE: A RELATIVELY SHORT DISCUSSION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT

CHAPTER SIX: CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

PART IV: INFORMATION FOR SURVIVORS, AND PATHWAYS TO HEALING

CHAPTER SEVEN: GETTING OUT

CHAPTER EIGHT: HEALING FOR SURVIVORS

CHAPTER NINE: ACTIVISM AND THE FIGHT AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

CHAPTER TEN: CONCLUSIONS

Final Thoughts

About the Authors

Appendix: Glossary of Terms

Resources

Bibliography

This book is lovingly dedicated to the Lost Girls of South Africa, including survivors of domestic violence, and to the #MeToo Movement.

FOREWORD

Are you a survivor of domestic abuse? If so, did you know that practically every aspect of your life has been altered in the aftermath of that abuse?

Norma M. Visagie, DNP and Carol Ann Sauls Hendricks, RN, in collaboration with mental health professionals, have helped thousands of people in their struggle to understand the experience of toxic and dysfunctional relationships. In this highly anticipated new book series, the authors guide you on how to heal from domestic violence in order to reclaim your power, and find self-love and acceptance. The authors open up a toolbox of techniques you can use to leave toxic relationships behind and heal from the darkness they’ve cast over your mind, body, and spirit. In the end, you will find yourself healthier, happier, wealthier, and more vibrant than you ever believed possible.

This book addresses and provides crucial guidance on topics and conditions like complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), narcissistic abuse, codependency, toxic shame, and much more. Through their close work with survivors of domestic violence, the authors discovered that most survivors have symptoms of trauma long after the relationship is over. These range from feelings of emptiness to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and suicide attempts.

Is it possible to work through these feelings of despair and find love on the other side? Yes, it’s possible to heal, reclaim your power, and find love in the aftermath of abuse. In this thought-provoking book, you will delve into the dynamics of toxic relationships and discover how the narcissists in your life have used your energy to fuel their own dysfunctional lives. Once you recognize the patterns of behavior that mark these relationships, you’ll be empowered to identify the toxic and dysfunctional relationships in your life too.

Dare to Rise Up offers hope and multiple strategies, whether you have survived an abusive relationship, or are currently suffering the effects of a painful breakup involving betrayal, lying, cheating and other forms of abuse, to heal old wounds and safely let the love and light back inside your soul where it belongs. Through the practice of mindfulness, introspection, and practicing self-love, you will learn to identify the protective self you’ve developed - and uncover your core self, so that you can finally move on to live a full and authentic life — to RISE UP again, to Heal, and to Thrive.

Raymond Aaron

New York Times Bestselling Author

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

This series on gender-based violence was inspired by the work and legacy of the late Dr. Maya Angelou (1928–2014). I’m forever grateful to you, Dr. Angelou. May your soul rest in peace.

We would like to thank Raymond Aaron, New York Times #1 best-selling author, for guiding us in the process of writing this book. He has committed his life to teaching people how to dramatically change their lives for the better. Thank you to my amazing book architect, Chinmai Swamy; book cover designer extraordinaire, Waqas Ahmed; editors, Liz Ventrella and Lisa Browning; and the Raymond Aaron Group.

Jack Canfield is the originator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul® series. The book, The Success Principles: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be, transformed our lives. Thank you, Jack Canfield, for giving us the tools to tackle the important inner work needed to transform our lives.

Thank you, Oprah Winfrey, for reminding us daily that it’s okay to fail, GET UP, SHOW UP, and try again.

To our work colleagues, family, and friends who inspired us to write this book series on gender-based violence.

Aldrich Smith, MA, for the thought-provoking discussions from a male perspective on domestic violence, through the lens of intersectionality.

A special thank you to Ania Gandyk, RN. I’m humbled and grateful for all your spiritual guidance, love, and support.

Norma Jean Klein, RN, thank you for your unfailing love. You are one of the best mental health professionals and spiritual leaders of our generation.

ABOUT THE BOOK

There is one universal truth, applicable to all countries, cultures and communities: violence against women is never acceptable, never excusable, never tolerable.

United Nations Secretary-General, Ban Ki-moon

If you are reading this book, chances are you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship. Your abuser may be a spouse, a boss, a brother, or a sister. You may have tried to ignore it, deny it, and fix it. Perhaps you have even tried to accept it. But it hasn’t worked. This book is for you if you are unwilling to stand by and allow another generation to suffer in silence. Dr. Visagie Norma draws on the latest research on domestic violence, through the lens of intersectionality, along with stories from her global community to explore the phenomenon of domestic violence.

At the end of the day, every woman who is killed, injured, or harmed through domestic violence is someone’s daughter…

Did you know that virtually every minute of every day there are incidents of intimate partner terrorism, domestic violence, rape, sexual abuse, harassment, acid attacks, bride burning, femicide, mutilation, or violation of trafficked women? Violence against women is a manifestation of the historically unequal power relations between women and men, a process that cuts across lines of income, class, and culture.

Are you forced to smile and justify your relationship to everyone, even to yourself? Are you struggling with self-doubt, shame, and feelings of hopelessness? This is your moment of truth. Are you willing to do what it takes to break the cycle of violence and abuse in your life? We may call it domestic violence, intimate partner abuse, private violence, and at times, intimate partner terrorism. However, whatever we call it, we generally do not believe it has anything at all to do with us, despite the World Health Organization deeming it a global epidemic.

This book raises awareness on marginalized masculinity, possession of power, male privilege, and intersectionality. There should be zero tolerance for institutional structures that support domestic violence: Who gets to be innocent? Who gets to be a survivor?

Always remember that being abusive is a choice. It’s a strategic behavior used to create the abuser’s desired power dynamic. Regardless of the circumstances of the relationship, or the pasts of either partner, no one deserves to be abused.

Verbal, emotional, and physical abuse robs the victim of physical safety, and assaults the mind with doubts of self-worth. In this book, you will discover how to identify different types of abuse, and learn strategies for dealing with abuse. You will find out why a man becomes abusive, and why an abused woman stays in an unhealthy relationship.

Knowledge is power. You will learn practical steps toward finding hope and healing from abusive relationships. You will be empowered to spot emotional abuse and shut it down before it does greater damage. You have the power to stop the cycle of abuse.

Healing from domestic violence requires that we question, interrogate, understand, accept, and then love the parts of ourselves that society and our abuser diminish. All efforts to end violence against women ultimately have to return to this question: How do we change societal values so that women’s rights to live free of insults, invasion, disempowerment, and intimidation are respected?

Although women can be violent in relationships with men, and violence is also sometimes found in same-sex partnerships, the overwhelming burden of domestic violence is borne by women at the hands of men. Raising awareness of the different forms of violence against women and children is an important element in the prevention of violence. Heightened awareness is a first step in changing attitudes and behavior that perpetuate or condone the various forms of violence against women and children.

The authors give context for what we don’t know we’re seeing. They frame this urgent and immersive account of the scale of domestic violence around key stories that explore the common myths that:

•if things were bad enough, victims would just leave.

•a violent person cannot become nonviolent.

•shelter is an adequate response.

•violence inside the home is a private matter, sealed from the public sphere and disconnected from other forms of violence.

Through the stories of victims, the authors explore the real roots of violence, its far-reaching consequences for society, and what it will take to truly address it. You