After Attraction: Relationships Are Simple, Right?

By Jarray Davis

No one needs another advice book from a relationship “expert” to take up more space in our homes and hearts, in the opinion of author Jarray Davis. If advice is all we need then the market for these books would have been closed after the first one was published—because we'd have all the information that we needed! If you ask Jarray why we can't experience consistent relationship success, his answer will be simple: We never understood relationships in the first place! After Attraction: Relationships Are Simple, Right makes clear all pieces and stages of relationships so that you walk away feeling ready to take on a new relationship or improve an existing relationship. He makes clear the answers to questions like: why people cheat in happy relationships; why sex is so important; and why titles have different meanings to both people in the relationship.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Aug 14, 2014
• ISBN: 9781312436107

Book preview

After Attraction: Relationships Are Simple, Right?

After Attraction:

Relationships Are Simple, Right?

By Jarray Davis

Copyright © 2011, Jason J. Davis Sr

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

ISBN: 978-1-312-43610-7

Prologue

Humans are probably the most complex creatures to walk the face of the planet earth. In general, we are so diverse and dynamic. And to make things even worse, we are split into two very distinct groups: men and women. No matter where you go in the world, there is no place where the population is solely women or solely men. Where there is one there has to be the other. We are drawn to each other, and we interact with each other probably every day without taking conscious note of the who, what, when, why and how. Our lives are just too fast paced for such thought. Notice that the majority of philosophical works were created in periods when people actually had time to think. But in these modern times we can hardly remember to shut the coffee pot off let alone give detailed thought to existence. And it is for that very reason that I decided to write this book.

The subjects that I will bring to light in this book are not new at all. To the contrary, it’s stuff that we see and hear every day, but have never taken the time to examine. We have prefabricated answers ready for these questions, so why would we set that time aside for question? For instance, if someone asked a woman about why men cheat, most likely her answer would be: because they’re dogs. But not everything in life is that simple. Water is probably the most basic element, but if we examine a drop of water under a microscope, what seemed to be so simple before would then become complex. The interaction between men and women is no different. From the naked eye things seem self-explanatory, but upon further examination the layers of complexity start to unfold.

It is not the purpose of this book, nor is it my desire, to sway your opinion. To be honest, I could really care less if you think I’m right or wrong about the things that I write. My purpose is only to expand your perception of things. I want you to see that there is more than one way to look at life. If you do not agree with my opinions but instead form your own, then I have done my job. If the things that I write about make you think and open discussions, then I have done my job. With that said, get your cup of coffee, take a deep breath, clear your mind and prepare to enter the world of my thoughts. Enjoy.

Chapter 1

Attraction

What is attraction? I could bore you to death with talk of biological implications, the release of neurotransmitters and other big words that would make me appear educated—but I won’t. And to be honest, I don’t believe most of that crap myself anyhow. As humans we have a tendency to make things a lot more complicated than they should be. You know exactly what attraction is: It’s when you’re drawn to something, whether it is an idea, inanimate object, or a person, for whatever reason. But right now I’m not just talking about any kind of attraction. I’m talking about the attraction between a man and a woman—or whatever else floats your boat.

What makes us attracted to someone? Before we were blessed with these big brains on our shoulders we were attracted by more primal senses. No matter how hard we want to fight it, we can’t shake the fact that we are part of the animal kingdom. And last time I looked around, male dogs weren’t attracted to female dogs because of their conversation skills—unless they forgot about that when they were sniffing around each others butts. We have evolved from a primitive Man into an intelligent Man, but the primitive side is our foundation. And that is why physical attraction if the foundation for a more complicated mental/psychological attraction.

This mental/psychological attraction is the heaviest and most profound of the two. And once the mind develops it becomes the most dominant, even shaping our physical attraction. Don’t believe that, huh? We have time to go into that later, but this physical attraction must be addressed first. This physical attraction is what we feel; the best example being infancy. When you are an infant your mind is running on less than a quarter tank of knowledge. It hasn’t been filled with personal experiences, or conditioning from your parents, television shows, music, etc. You just… feel. A baby doesn’t think about why it’s attracted to something, it just feels the attraction and acts upon it without hesitation. This attraction is based upon the primitive senses: sight, touch, smell and sound. But just like how we’ve evolved from primitive Man to the modern, more intelligent Man, baby boys evolve into men, and baby girls evolve into women. Physical attraction is the quick snack… The appetizer that teases your stomach and prepares you for the full course meal—perhaps with dessert—that sticks with you. That full course meal is the mental/psychological attraction.

Once this mental/psychological attraction becomes the dominant side, we can ask questions like, who am I attracted to? Simple! You are attracted to people that are good for the person that you are in the moment and time that you meet them, right? But the trick is, the moment and time that you meet them. Times change, moments change even faster, and you change right along with them. Then it only makes sense that the kind of person you are attracted to will also change. This is why there are so many failed marriages in the world. You change from the person you were when you met your significant other, and now neither one of you is a good fit for the other. You are no longer serving your purpose in that person’s life. But no one wants to leave the relationship because we’ve been taught to stick it out, and we’re worried about the vows that we made before God.

I think back to the person that I call my first girlfriend: We’ll refer to her as Tasha. To give you an idea of how close we were, my mother used to say that we were obsessed with each other.  I was only but 19 at the time, and a much different person than I am today. She complimented me very well, and that’s what made the relationship so successful. She was good for the person that I was at the time, but as time progressed I changed, while she remained the same. Physically, she was unchanged. She still had the same shape that used to drive me crazy. She had soft full lips, and her hips were like a rollercoaster. But even still, she had become less attractive to me. She was no longer good for me anymore. Her purpose had ended, and so did our relationship.

Preferences

Everyone has some sort of preferences when it comes to physical attraction.  Some people are attracted by height, breast size, and butt size, a certain kind of smile, rock hard abs, big feet, straight teeth, eyes, hair color, so on and so forth.  Anyone that says they do not have any physical preferences is a liar.  Either they’re lying to you, or they’re lying to themselves. Regardless of where the answer should apply, it is load of nonsense. We all are attracted to some physical characteristic of the opposite sex/same sex on a consistent basis whether we want to admit it or not.  Now whether or not we always get what we’re attracted to is another story entirely.  But to say that you do not have a physical preference is to say that you do not have a mind, because that is where these preferences are originated.

Everyone has a mind, right—or at least we hope so.  In that mind there is a little something called the subconscious.  Your subconscious is a just a storehouse with infinite space.  Indeed, you could park a cruise liner in there and still have room left over.  Everything that you experience in life, even when thought to be forgotten, is still hanging around in your subconscious.  And it is the combination of info in there that affects your personality, and thus, your preferences.  Where you’re from, how your parents raised you, your favorite television shows…  All of these things go in the mind and affect your preferences.  I know guys that went to prison and developed a preference for a certain type of woman because of television shows that they watched repeatedly. 

When I was in high school I preferred short women.  The shorter the better—pocket size was preferred.  I grew older and my preferences changed right along with me.  I started to like women that were closer to me in height.  My personality changed some more and my infatuation with large posteriors was traded in for women that were more proportionate.  Then the day came that I realized the source of my preferences: the mind.  This is when I figured out that I could consciously control my physical preferences.  My predilection for tall women was born from that experiment.  If you don’t believe me then I challenge you to focus on a physical attribute for a period of time.  Make yourself believe that you are actually attracted to it, and I guarantee that eventually it will become real.  And this proves that physical attraction is only the puppet of the mind.  But I caution you: do not focus on anything that you can’t live with liking.

One day I decided to go against my preferences for two reasons.  One, I believed myself to be shallow because I only preferred very attractive women.  Two, I thought my preferences were constraining me and wanted to see if there was anything I was missing out on by having preferences—never ever again.  I went through several failed courtships that lasted about as long as a commercial break.

There’s one person in that trial and error period that sticks out in particular.  Out of all my attempts, this one lasted the longest.  In order to protect the guilty we’ll call her Mary.  Now Mary was not unattractive, nor was she an ignorant person, but she was not physically or mentally my type.  I am not a fan of obvious weaves, and she was the queen of obvious weaves.  I don’t like know-it-alls, and she believed herself to be a genius, a psychic, and an authority on every topic.  Regardless, I pressed on seeing where it would go.

I should’ve noticed the signs, like, the fact that sometimes I could not get sexually aroused even when she was completely naked.  There were several occasions where, during sex, I could not remain sexually aroused.  For a while I thought I had some kind of condition.  Later I realized that it was all in my head.

I remember one Friday I spent the night over her house—which was a normal tradition for us.  We were lying in the bed after a few drinks and some recreational bedroom activities.  Naked, I staggered to the bathroom stretching my freshly tightened muscles.  Just like any other normal man I positioned myself in front of the toilet to relieve myself in the upright position.  That’s when I noticed that the toilet seat was down.  Of course I didn’t want to take the chance of splashing on the seat that she would later have to sit on, so I reached down to lift it, and that’s when I saw it:  a stain around the back of the seat.  Not just any kind of stain—that kind of stain.  I couldn’t believe that a woman that put so much attention on her hair would be living in such conditions.  I politely came back into the room and told her that, "If I were a woman, I wouldn’t even want to squat over your toilet."  Of course that did not make her too happy, but I was amused.  A week later I came back and the same stain was still there.  Needless to say, that was the last time I went against my preferences.

Expectation

Can one’s expectation of a person affect their attraction to them?  Of course it can! Because, just like I stated earlier, physical attraction comes from the mind.  Let’s say you were desperate enough to let one of your friends set you up on a blind date—not that anything’s wrong with blind dates.  You ask your friend to describe this person for you, but your friend is an asshole, and refrains from doing so.  Telephone numbers are exchanged between you and this mystery person via the friend.  Before the initial meeting you and this person share numerous phone calls, and to your surprise, you actually like their conversation.  To make matters even better, let’s throw in a sexy voice.  This is the point where physical images start to form in your head.  You create your own vision of what you imagine this person looks like based purely on nothing more than your own hopes, and a sexy voice.

The day to show and tell finally comes around.  You arrive at the meeting spot first and wait anxiously for the person.  A stranger walks up and introduces himself/herself as your mystery date.  In your head this person was tall, but in reality, they’re an average height. You imagined he/she would be dark-skinned, and they turned out to be light-skinned.  Even though they are not unattractive, disappointment comes crashing down on you like a gavel on a guilty verdict all because of expectations.  Had you met this person in the mall or in the grocery store by chance… They probably would have looked totally different to you.  The same can be said for social media websites.  People present themselves in a false manner with edited photos that were taken at flattering angles.  When you meet them your interest is lost because you did not meet the person you expected to meet, regardless if they are attractive or not.

Opposites

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying opposites attract.  There is much truth to this statement, but also a tad bit of exaggeration.  Most people’s concept of this phrase is specifically geared towards the physical aspect of things.  Visions of a tall man with a very short woman, or a skinny person with an overweight person come to mind.  It is not unusual to see these pairings in public, but it is not the rule.  The majority of relationships do not stem from physical dichotomies.  To the contrary, as far as physical attraction is concerned, we are more apt to go after someone that shares familiar characteristics. 

How often do you see a fair skinned person with a dark skinned person in comparison to two faired skinned people?  The other day I was late walking into class, so my usual seat was already taken.  There were several available spots, but I had to make a decision fairly quickly as not to disturb the lecture.  Halfway into the lecture I noticed that I was in row with all Black people.  With no time to study the room I made a quick, unconscious decision to sit around what looked familiar.  This is the same kind of process that is at work in regards to our attraction of a potential mate.

Another old saying is: if you’re with someone for long enough you start to look like them.  What foolishness is this?  Would you have me believe that I can change my genetic makeup just by being around someone for a prolonged period of time?  Of course not!  They’ve always favored each other, and that’s why they were drawn to each other in the first place.

Let’s step outside of the realm of physical attraction for a minute and talk about opposites attracting on a deeper level.  This is where things get a little bit tricky.  Differences in the way we think can be a powerful source of attraction, but so can similarities.  One cannot be had without the other.  Would you want to be involved with someone that was just like you in every way imaginable?  People say that all the time when describing their significant other, exaggerating the similarities that they share.  Think about it one more time: Would you want to be with someone that was just like you?  I mean exactly like you?  I can’t see how it would be fun to date a replica of yourself.  This person would like everything that you like.  They would not be able to introduce anything new into the relationship or into your life.  And would it not be annoying that this person would know exactly what you’re thinking?  You wouldn’t be able to get away with anything.  For a relationship to be successful there has to be some white lies and some small sense of secrecy and anonymity.  You would be robbed of that altogether.  And after awhile, you probably would be sick of each other’s presence. 

There was a female friend that I used to have a few years ago.  We were close for a very long time, and were very similar in character.  We would talk on the phone for hours and would have to fight to get off because every closing comment would lead to another conversation or joke.  We agreed with each other on almost everything, and I thought that this would be the recipe for a fantastic relationship if the opportunity ever presented itself.  Now that I think about it, that would have been a recipe for disaster.  In the beginning stages it probably would have been fun, but later on…  The relationship probably would have been like one of those super nova stars.  Knowing what kind of person I am, I wouldn’t be able to deal with that but for so long. Reason being, lack of opposition presents no challenge—which is something we all need to maintain interest.

It is the differences that keep our attention.  And those differences only keep us intrigued when they are revealed slowly over time. Your effort to understand what that person feels and how they think brings you closer together—it is a journey.  This is almost analogous to going through a lovers spat.  When you come out of it and make up, are you not a little bit closer to that person?  It’s because an understanding is born between the two people. So we have to be presented with the conflict of differences, and through our work to understand and accept those differences, a real connection is formed.

On the flipside of that coin, would you want to date someone that was absolutely the complete opposite of you?  Think about this one as well: How miserable would your life be if you had to come home every day to someone that dislikes everything that you like?  The initial attraction to even pursue a relationship would be negated before it reaching the level of a live-in spouse.  It wouldn’t matter how physically attractive the person is, during the moment