My Lonely Existence - A True Story

By Susanna Harris

Everyone has a story to tell. Everyone has their own demons to deal with as they take their chosen path through life. Everyone has obstacles to overcome. However, some have more stories and more mountains to climb than others. This is a story about overcoming those mountains and making it to the other side. My Lonely Existence is the life story of Susanna, taking the reader through her life experiences and the myriad of relationships that she has had during the course of her lifetime. Some have been good, some have been bad but all have helped to make her the woman she is today. Having suffered abuse and trauma at the hands of a succession of family members and partners from a very young age until she was into her 30s, Susanna wanted to tell the world her story. And what a story it is!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Sep 30, 2013
• ISBN: 9781304470515

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My Lonely Existence - A True Story

My Lonely Existence – A True Story

My Lonely Existence – A True Story

1st Edition

Copyright © 2013 Susanna Harris

All rights reserved.

ISBN 978-1-304-47051-5

This work is licensed under the Creative

Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial- NoDerivs 3.0 Unported

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CHAPTERS

Chapter 1: My Childhood and Teenage Years

Chapter 2: My First Serious Relationship

Chapter 3: Back At Home

Chapter 4: My 2nd Relationship – Father of my Son

Chapter 5: My 3rd Relationship

Chapter 6: My 4th Relationship – Father of my Daughter Chapter 7: My 5th Relationship –Father of my Son

Chapter 8: Living On My Own With My Kids

Chapter 9: My 6th Relationship

Chapter 10: My Kids and I – On Our Own

Chapter 11: My Kids and I

Chapter 12: My 7th Relationship

Chapter 13: My 8th Relationship

Chapter 14: My 9th Relationship

Chapter 15: Living on Our Own

Chapter 16: My 10th Serious Relationship

Chapter 17: Where I’m at Now – Life as I See It

Chapter 1: My Childhood and Teenage Years

My life’s journey starts as far back as I can remember, when I was about aged five. We were living at my grandparents’ place in a garage that my father had converted into a small house. It was me; my sister Angelina, who is 11 months older than me; my brother Andrew, who is 4 years younger; and, of course, my parents. As kids we loved living there because we got to spend a lot of time with our grandparents. They used to spoil us rotten. They would give us lollies and pocket money when our parents weren’t around, even when we didn’t deserve it. Our grandparents gave us a lot of love and affection; they were the greatest grandparents in the world and I loved them dearly.

I’ll never forget one Christmas in particular. We woke up early to open our presents. We knew we wouldn’t get much but we were grateful for whatever we received. When we came out of our bedroom there in front of us were presents galore. Our parents didn’t have a lot of money so you could just imagine how surprised we were. We couldn’t believe our eyes! We all got bikes, an Atari computer with games, dolls, chocolate bars, sweets, clothes, shoes, and lots more. It was the best Christmas we ever had as children.

We lived across the road from my auntie and uncle and their 3 daughters, my cousins. My sister and I spent a lot of time at their house playing. We enjoyed each others’ company and spent a lot of time in their swimming pool, having bbq’s and doing all that girly stuff girls do. We would all fight from time to time, even my sister and I did, but we always made up and became friends again. It’s a girly thing. It was just a part of growing up. We had other friends in our street that we played with so life was great. I remember that behind their house were train tracks. I remembered the trains going by all hours of the night and they would shake the house. I always thought our house would fall down because it shook so bad.

Our cousins and friends all went to school together, for a while that is until my parents decided to separate. We were devastated! It was so hard and upsetting having to leave my friends, my Dad, Nana and Granddad. I didn’t want to go, but we didn’t have a choice.

We moved to another suburb, which meant starting a new school. It took a while for us to adjust but we managed to settle in and made some new friends. I would visit my Dad, grandparents and cousins on weekends and school holidays a lot of the time, so even though we weren’t living there we saw them on a regular basis s.

At the age of about seven, I would visit and sometimes stay the night with my cousins so we could play together. At that stage I noticed a lot of things were happening in their house which was different from the last time I was there. I started noticing my uncle looking at me in a funny way.

He would constantly stare at me, pucker up his lips and blow kisses at me, and would raise his eyebrows up and down at me. When I stayed with them he would come into the bathroom while I was taking a shower and even went as far as opening the shower door to talk to me. My auntie was in the next room so I thought she would have known he was in there with me, but obviously not! This carry on was only a small part of what he set out to do to me. Sadly my uncle had other intentions in mind and it wasn’t reading me stories on his lap. My uncle did a lot of inappropriate things to me, and I was so scared. He told me I wasn’t to tell anyone ne and that it was our little secret, so I didn’t tell anyone. Unfortunately his behaviour carried on for some time to come. Throughout my life I managed to block out a lot of my abuse as a child, but it’s at times like this or during certain events in my life that I’m reminded of it. I learnt what fear was at a very early age.

As the days turned into weeks and then into months I was spending a lot less time at my cousins’ place, it was only when I had too that I did. It still didn’t stop my uncle from staring at me and blowing me kisses….the sicko! I also noticed he was spending a lot of time with his three daughters. I didn’t ask what was going on and it wasn’t my place to say anything so I just ignored it. I thought they may have been in trouble for something they did wrong, but I was very young and none the wiser. When I was going through the abuse I thought it was normal, I knew no different. At the time, my thoughts were telling me something was wrong because it didn’t feel right. But I was young, naive and very vulnerable. How is an innocent child supposed to protect herself? She can’t! This person was my uncle and he should’ve protected me from harm not inflict it on me. I continued to see my father, grandparents and friends but not as often as I did. My grandfather became very sick so I spent a lot of time with him, filling in my holidays making teddy bears (that’s how my grandparents made their living) and we loved helping as kids. My Granddad made me a teddy bear when I was 4 years old and I still have it to this day. She’s 38 years old now and she looks no different from when I first got her, minus the eyes.

My parents eventually divorced and we were getting on with our lives. My mother had to work two jobs just to make ends meet. It was hard on her but she had no other choice. We wore second hand clothes to school, and for our lunch we usually had a sandwich and a piece of fruit. Sometimes I wouldn’t eat it. I’d wait until I got home to have some Weetbix, or I’d starve until dinner. Most of the kids in my class had yummy lunches. I was sick of eating the same lunch day in day out. I got teased about it constantly!

We had a few friends in our neighbourhood so when I wasn’t doing housework, I would spend time with them playing up and down the road or at their house. Not long afterwards, my Mum met and fell in love with a man she met through a neighbour and a short time later he moved in with us. It helped Mum out with paying the bills etc and he was kinda like a father figure at first. Jim had a son, Justin, who was a little younger than me. We got on really well. We hung out a lot and laughed all the time. Justin moved in with us for a while and then he had to move back to his Mum’s. We all missed him when he left but we kept in touch.

Things were going quite well for a while, until the unthinkable happened. Jim started abusing my Mum. It started off with his mouth but then they would start arguing and he’d fly off the handle, throwing things around and yelling at her. We were so scared and helpless but we didn’t know what to do. One weekend when we were playing with our friends, we heard screaming and yelling. I knew it was my Mum but I couldn’t do anything about it. When I tried to run out of their front door to see whether my Mum was all right, I was told by my friend’s parents to stay inside and to go home later. I burst into tears, scared for my Mum. About an hour had passed and I went home. I called for her but there was no answer. I couldn’t find her until I walked into my bedroom. There she was sitting on the bed with Jim sitting next to her. I couldn’t believe my eyes; she was sitting there in my bed with two badly beaten black eyes. My heart was racing and I started crying. I so desperately wanted to give her a kiss and cuddle but I was told by him that she was fine and I had to leave. Mum told me she was fine, but I knew deep down that she wasn’t. I was shaking so bad, as were my brother and sister.

The following day came and we noticed a couple of holes in our laundry wall. I asked Mum what had happened and she eventually told us. Mum said they got into an argument and he just lost the plot. He punched her in the face a few times and then banged her head against the laundry wall, which put huge holes in it. Then he proceeded to fill the bath with water to try and drown her in it. It was such a frightening time for us and we were all so scared for our safety. After that day we watched what we said and did, just so we could keep the peace. We wanted Mum to call the police and have him charged but he said if she called the police he would kill her. As her children we were helpless. We couldn’t do anything to help her and the neighbours didn’t want to know about it. We even got hidings for the smallest of things. It just wasn’t fair!

A couple of weeks passed and everything had settled down, or so we thought. We were in the lounge watching television when we heard this almighty bang. The noise had come from our bathroom. We ran to see what was going on and when we got there we noticed Mum was in the shower and had collapsed into a heap on the floor. Sadly she had had a nervous breakdown. Jim got her up and she came to. We put her to bed and that’s where she stayed for the next few days. I wanted to kill him for what he had done to my mother; she didn’t deserve to be treated like that, no one did. My Mum was a kind person that would do anything for anyone. It was so sad to see her how she was. It changed my Mum in more ways than one. She wasn’t as outgoing as she used to be - she was down and out and depressed most of the time. No one knew her anymore; I don’t think she even knew herself. It was hard to concentrate on my schooling. I had no one to talk to about what we were going through as a family, and even if I did I don’t think they would’ve listened because people just didn’t care. They would much rather pick on me than know about my family crisis.

Things had settled down for a while until Mum told us the big news, she was pregnant! Mum was overjoyed that she was having a baby. We were kinda happy for her, and happy to know we were getting a brother or sister, but we wished he wasn’t the father. He was an evil, evil man who didn’t deserve such a nice person. How my mother got stuck with an abuser like him God only knows, because I sure as hell don’t. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t leave his sorry arse long ago, not leave it until later on in life. We started going on family holidays to places he wanted to go, and we were made to eat food that only pigs would eat. We didn’t have much fun as we were always watching our backs. It was like a prison camp - he enjoyed watching us miserable and bored.

Things deteriorated pretty quickly after the birth of my brother, and this time it was the last straw. They got into a heated argument and then he started. He began strangling her in front of us; we were watching it happen! We ran to the phone to call the police but were told by him to stop. Fortunately our neighbour heard the yelling and fighting and called the police herself. Thank God she did! He left shortly before the police turned up, but when he decided to come back a couple of days later the police were called. He wasn’t to come anywhere near us or the house again. That was the last time we saw him until some thirty five years later. Even then the jerk hadn’t changed! It was a very traumatic time for us, especially for my Mum. It took awhile for her spirits to come back and they eventually did. She concentrated on work and us kids; after all she was looking after 4 kids and herself. It wasn’t easy raising four children on your own back in the seventies.

Mum decided to get a boarder in to help with the finances. He was called Carl and he appeared to be a really nice guy. Carl spoke with a gentle voice and was very caring to us all. We didn’t know anything about Carl, not even his past, but Mum felt at ease with his warm presence. After he had been living with us for a couple of months, he asked Mum if he could borrow our car one night. Mum was happy to lend it to him as she trusted him, but sadly that was a huge mistake. When we woke the following morning there was no Carl and no car. It was the last time we ever saw him and our car. Mum reported it missing to the police but it was never recovered. Would you call that bad luck or what! We welcomed someone into our home and he shat on us, nice guy!

We got our life back together again and Mum concentrated on work and us. We started athletics at a nearby sports club and I loved it. Most of the time I came first in long distance running, 1500 meters, 800 meters, 200 meters and 100 meter sprints. I was also good at high jump, long jump and discus. My sister and I also played netball for our school. I was into outdoor sports but my sister didn’t really have a passion for it. As time went by, we did the normal things girls and boys did, playing with our friends and getting told off for things we weren’t supposed to be doing. I think most people can relate to that one :0)

One day my Mum and her girlfriend were sitting on our front deck, drinking wine and having a few laughs when a man across the road was mowing the lawn in his shorts. Mum asked one of us to go over and ask him if he wanted to come over for a drink after he finished. He agreed and came over not long after. His name was Dave and he was here on vacation from England, staying with friends, and was returning home in a month’s time. Dave and Mum hit it off straight away. They spent as much time together as they could before he had to return to England. He was a single divorced man with two children who were around mine and my sister’s age. Mum had fallen in love and so had Dave. Dave didn’t return to England when he was due to and a short while after he moved in with us. Dave was great! He was so good to us and he treated us like his own. We had family outings and did things most families would do.

Dave was also a keen gardener and transformed our bare lawn into a beautiful rose garden with flowerbeds, it was absolutely gorgeous. Truly amazing! Out the back of the house we got a new garage and he attached a grapevine and passion fruit vines to the outer side of the garage. He also put in a vegetable garden, compost bin, and a new clothes line. Our house was the best looking house on the street. Well that’s what I thought anyway;

even some of the neighbours were envious.

As weeks turned into months, I still had a bit of contact with my Dad James and my grandparents. My grandfather was deteriorating fast and it was so sad to see not only my Granddad go through his pain but also my Nana. My Nana cried a lot and did all she could for him. She made him as comfortable as possible but sadly my Granddad had emphysema and was struggling to breath. He was put on a ventilator day and night. I didn’t know how my Dad James was feeling, as he didn’t show much emotion.

Not long after we met Dave I started calling him Dad. He was what I would call a father; he was always there and did what he could for us. My Mum was so happy, I had never seen her that happy, ever. My sister and brother Andrew didn’t feel the same way I did towards Dave. Angelina clashed with him and they argued a lot. I became his pet and I think that was a part of my sister’s problem. She was jealous, but she didn’t try to adjust to the new man in our life. She just made it hard for herself.

My sister and I fought a lot probably more than most. Our thoughts and views on things were totally different and we clashed badly. Dave tried to give her love but she didn’t want to know. As Dave became a part of our family we had rules put in place but we didn’t like them at all. If we were naughty for Mum she would tell Dave when he got home and we got a hiding. He would get his thick strap (belt) out, send us to our room, tell us to pull our pants down, lay over the side of our bed and he would strap us six times on our backsides. After the first strap we’d be in tears. When he finished we had to stay in our room. We had big welts on our bums and it was so sore to sit on. When Dave didn’t discipline us Mum did. She either used a jug cord on our backsides or the wooden spoon on the palm of our hands. When we swore (which wasn’t often) we got our mouths washed out with soap.

Our little brother Clayton would get us into trouble a lot of the time. He got away with murder and got a lot fewer hidings then us because he was Dave’s number one pet. Dave took him on as his own. He didn’t care that he was of darker skin then us; it didn’t bother Dave in the slightest. Even after the many hidings we got, I still loved him very much. At the time I hated him for punishing us but it wasn’t for long, not until the next hiding anyway.

Mum and Dave sat us down one day and told us they were getting married. I was so happy. They had the wedding at our place in the front lawn amongst the roses and flowers and we got to dress up and wear makeup. Angelina and I were the bridesmaids and our dresses were beautiful. Dave was the coach of a soccer team - he was soccer mad - so he invited all his soccer team and their partners to their wedding as well as Mum’s friends and family. Mum looked exquisite and she had a natural glow about her. That was her day, a day she longed for. Dave worked in the butchery dept. at a grocery store so most of our meat was free and we got a discount for the rest of the food. We had such a great time and we got to stay up late, a lot later than usual. I was so happy Mum and Dave got married, especially happy for Mum. We carried on doing the usual, playing with friends, having family outings.

I finished athletics when the 2nd season finished. I still played netball for my school and my school grades improved. By this stage I was at intermediate school (year seven). A lot of my friends I grew up with went to my school so it was pretty cool. I competed in our school cross-country run and came 1st in year seven and 2nd in year eight. I loved running, I felt free. I also met a boy who I liked a lot. Another girl Lisa had the hot's for him too. One minute he would be with me then he’d be with her. He couldn’t make up his mind so I finally gave up on him. A new guy