The Secret Inside Me

By Wynter R. Kaiser

The true story of a young Christian college coed, who becomes pregnant and tries to hide it from everyone around her. Over the course of the unplanned nine months of changes she goes through, and despite her rebelliousness, God continues to provide for her and knock on the door of her heart to surrender to His will for her and the tiny secret inside.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jul 19, 2014
• ISBN: 9781312369009

Book preview

The Secret Inside Me

The Secret Inside Me A Memoir

Second Edition

Copyright © 2012 Wynter R. Kaiser

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-312-36900-9

This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attributions-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

For Jonathan:

Who knows all my secrets and still loves me.

For Tracy and Muffin:

The best girlfriends I could ever have been given.

Without either of them my life would be very different.

Tracy was my sole rock for eight months

and Muffin was there when no one else was.

And for Baby Boy Shierman:

The real secret inside me and God’s angel baby.

He is the most miraculous thing to ever happen to me and who changed my life forever. Grow strong in Him, baby boy.

Preface

This is the story of God in my life as a willful and selfish young woman, who despite the incredible mercies shown to me, continued to beat my head against the same wall and commit the same sins. But like the lost sheep or prodigal son, I was always gently found and welcomed back into loving arms of my Heavenly Father, over and over again.

Like many girls who have been raised in a Christian home and sheltered from most of the world’s temptations, I found myself desperate to break free when I enrolled in a college far from home at eighteen. Once there, I struggled to find my place in a world of atheism, sex, drugs and alcohol and battled inwardly in my desire to live lifestyles from two opposing worldviews. This story shows that struggle reflected in my social and family life and education as I continued to look only for immediate gratification with no self-control.

Eventually, the poor decisions I chose caught up to me and I suffered the consequences of broken relationships, suspension from college and ultimately an unplanned pregnancy at only twenty years of age. I kept this pregnancy a secret from all but two people at first and in the years that have followed have only shared it with few more.

Writing this has been an adventurous journey for me, full of self-reflection and direction from God. Sometimes it brought feelings of shame as I read through old journals for historical accuracy and true reflective thought during the time they were written. But through it all ran the obvious stream of Providence. It has taken over ten years to write it, starting out first as a self-glorifying work, until I was convicted of God’s hand and direction in it. Some parts were so embarrassing for me that I decided to change names and places for anonymity and maintained that I would hide the story behind the mask of a fictional novel. Eventually, I was persuaded by God to own the mess I had made of those years in my life in order to see for myself and show to others Christ and His amazing grace through it. As I continued to write, edit and reedit this story, He took me down the path of honesty, acceptance and forgiveness and finally He allowed me to experience healing, closure and praises to Him, our amazing God, who saw all my ugliness and still went to the cross so I could spend eternity with Him.

And while I have kept many of the names of people changed, the story and the feelings I express in it are a completely accurate portrayal of my own reflection on events at that time. As such, I realize that this is not just God’s story through me, but also tells the story of many individuals who were or are still very closely involved in my life. I feel that it is important to note that they have their own perspective of this story that may differ from mine and my intention is not in any way to paint them in a bad light. Rather, to truthfully tell the story from my perspective at the time. So if you do put two and two together,  about key people, please remember that they may have their own versions, and before judging or viewing them differently, please talk with them directly and get their side.

Because of my deliberate disobedience, I may have missed the blessings God offered along the way and suffered many consequences, but He never gave up on me and continued to bring people and opportunities in my life for a fresh start. And when I finally accepted those opportunities and made the choice once again to follow Him, He was waiting for me with open arms and gave me a whole new life and a new set of blessings. I would not trade the life I have now for all the second chances in the world!

But the biggest blessing through all of this is that now there are no more secrets and no more shame. Instead, I have ultimate freedom in laying my ugly mess at His feet and watching as He turns it into a beautiful story of family, love, forgiveness and healing. It is His story to use as he chooses. I am His instrument and I give all the glory, honor and praise to Him!

I pray that this will be a source of encouragement to others who find themselves in the same situations I was in. My advice to them is to not be ashamed any longer of the past or present; God’s forgiveness is immediate and forever, as are His blessings. Turn from sin now, accept and experience that forgiveness and the new blessings He has to offer. Don’t spend another moment in that struggle of wills! All that the world has to offer is not worth it in the long-run, but a life lived for Him, free of shame, regret and worry is!

You disciplined me like an unruly calf and I have been disciplined. Restore me and I will return because you are the Lord my God. After I strayed, I repented; after I came to understand I beat my breast. I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth. (Jeremiah 31:19)

And for the young girls who find themselves in an unwanted pregnancy situation, Christian or not; do not keep this secret to yourself. Find a trusted friend or confidant to help shoulder this burden and most importantly, know that silence and/or abortion are not the only answers. There is always another alternative. Mistakes happen, but absolutely no baby is a mistake; it is a life that God created and He values every one! If you find yourself in an unexpected and unwanted position with one of these valued lives, please know that He will see you through doing the right thing by it. Give it a chance and give it a life. You’ll be surprised how it will save your life as well. But above all, put your hope in Him and He will help you.

He is mighty to save.

(Zephaniah 3:17)

Chapter 1

It was the spring of 2000. I was twenty years old, living begrudgingly at home with my parents and the older of my two brothers just outside Portland, Oregon. I had been suspended from college in Michigan at the end of my freshman year, a year before, after being caught smoking marijuana in the dormitory. My suspension was for only one semester and so was over in January, but in order to prove to my parents that I could be trusted enough to go back for fall term, I had to show them I was responsible. So I worked a lot of hours each week at Red Robin as a hostess, bussing tables and training to be an expediter, checking the food quality before it goes out to the customers. To assure my parents that I was still serious about school, I also was taking two college classes, calligraphy and computer graphics, which helped to keep my student loans deferred as well.

I was dating a twenty-two year old Hispanic man whom I had met at Red Robin, where he worked as well. His name was Juan and I thought he was really hot, with long hair that reminded me of Johnny Depp which he cut right before we started dating. He was a line cook and training to be an assistant kitchen manager like his brother-in-law, Victor. His dad also worked there, as the kitchen dishwasher and their entire family was first-year immigrants from Mexico.

Before Juan and I started dating in March, I would catch glances of him every now and then and thought he was very attractive. But I was a traditional girl and never liked to make the first move; so although I had a little crush on him, I waited for him to notice and talk to me first. We finally met face to face one day in the locker closet, behind the kitchen just before starting our shifts. I was both excited and nervous to be so close to him and my heart leapt when I caught him checking me out. After a little flirting and small talk, he asked for my number and I gave it to him, heart pounding wildly.

I couldn’t wait for him to call me, but when several days went by without a word, I began to think that he must be a player. After all, I knew nothing about him and he was very suave and attractive, so when he finally did call, I was nervous about going out with him.

Before I said yes, I decided to ask around about him at work, just in case. I talked with many of the other girls and was pleasantly surprised to find out that he had not asked out anyone else there before. A couple of guys there even told me that Juan had confided in them that he liked me and I was very flattered. His brother-in-law, Victor, also confirmed this, saying Juan was actually very shy. He spoke very highly of him and offered to double date if that would make me more comfortable with going out with him. I made some kind of joke about it, which was lost in translation and Victor disliked and was very rude to me from then on.

On our first date, Juan and I had such a great time that we stayed out until 4 a.m. He drove me in his brand new car and it made me swoon over him all the more since I didn’t have one myself. I had to take the bus, beg to borrow one of my parents’ cars or have someone pick me up to get to class, work or social outings.

After our first date, we continued to see each other exclusively and as often as we could outside of work. Since Juan worked in the back of the house and I in the front, it was hard to talk while at Red Robin except when I went up to the food window or came in through the back door behind the kitchen before the restaurant was open. We had similar work schedules, so we made the most of our evenings and days off together. He took me out to nice places and I showed him around fun, touristy places in the Portland area. We always found something enjoyable to do and he treated me very well; often taking me out to eat, dancing, or to see shows and other things.

By April we had been dating for less than a month, but had already slept together twice. It was a little awkward trying to find places to do so, however, because we both still lived with our parents. The first time was when my parents and brother were away, so he came over and spent the night in my room. A couple days later, I bled a little and worried briefly that I might be pregnant, since I wasn’t supposed to start my period for another two weeks. The second time was at his friends’ apartment, where we spent the night in a spare bedroom after a party.

We didn’t use protection. I was naïve and trusted Juan, not even thinking of the possibility that he could give me a sexually-transmitted disease, even when he told me shockingly that he might have slept with over a hundred women. I just assumed he was exaggerating and since I had told him that I was on the birth control pill even though I wasn’t, I really couldn’t judge him too harshly for lying. At twenty, despite knowing the risks and consequences of unprotected sex (even in private, Christian school, I had taken sex education classes in both junior high and high school) I was certain that I was invincible, fearless of the consequences and unremorseful for my deceit. Besides, I justified to myself, I planned on getting a prescription very soon for The Pill.

I couldn’t go to our family doctor and ask for birth control, because I feared my parents would find out. So one afternoon that month, I borrowed my mom’s car for some lame excuse and drove to the closest Planned Parenthood. It was in Gresham, halfway between Portland and my parents’ country home in the outskirts of Clackamas County. I cannot remember where I had heard I could get birth control there. Probably from someone at work, but no matter the source, I knew I could secretly get some and better yet, I had even heard I could get it for free!

I sat in my mom’s car, outside of the Planned Parenthood, for fifteen minutes, staring at a number on my cell phone and watched girls come in and out of the office, some younger, some older than me. Finally, I took a deep breath and dialed the number.

Hello, Gresham Planned Parenthood, may I help you?

Uh…Yes, I wanted to make an appointment for birth control.

I’m sorry, we are booked for the next two months; would you like to make an appointment for after then?

N-no, that’s alright. Thank you, g’bye.

Okay, goodbye.

I was so disappointed I could have cried. The woman had neglected to tell me that I actually did not need an appointment. Rather, I could have just walked in and waited, all day if I had the time, which I did, and I could have gotten birth control for the entire next year. If I had known and done that, I probably wouldn’t have had to write this story, but I didn’t know that then and had no idea what I would do for free, secretive birth control without Planned Parenthood.

What the hell am I supposed to do now? I yelled at my cell phone, but got no answer.

With shoulders slumped, I put the phone down, started my mom’s car and headed for home. I would just have to think of something else. Perhaps Billie would have an idea.

*****

So I couldn’t do it, they were booked for two months.

Really? Wow. Why don’t you try going to your doctor and get some samples, that is what I get from Rob, and then I don’t have to pay, either.

I was talking on the phone long distance with my cousin and best friend, Billie, who lived in The Dalles, Oregon, about two and a half hours away. Rob is her stepdad, a family doctor, and got her all the sample meds that she needed for free. I thought she was so lucky.

Billie and I were pretty much best friends from birth. Her mom and my mom are sisters and only one year apart, just like Billie and me. And like my mom is the older sister, I am the older cousin. The fact that Billie and I are family has enabled us to remain close over the years, despite always living far away from each other and even when I went off to college across the country.

Growing up, she lived with her parents and her brother in The Dalles, while my family and I lived in the Portland area. We began playing together as children, seeing each other only in the summers for Bible youth camp or at Christmas and birthdays. In grade school her parents divorced and her mom remarried and moved to Bend which was even farther away, in Central Oregon. We wrote hundreds of letters back and forth and begged our parents to take more trips than necessary so we could still see each other.

Eventually, her dad remarried as well and moved to Portland. We were both excited because he had her and her brother almost every other weekend, and meant it would be even easier to see each other more often.

In junior high, her mom divorced again and she and Billie moved back to The Dalles and we made the trips even more frequently. In high school, my aunt remarried for a third time and stayed in The Dalles and allowed Billie to have her own car after she got her license. These were the best years for us, because that meant she could drive the long trip herself whenever she wanted and we would spend weekends together when we had the chance. During the summer, we would see each other for a couple weeks when we worked on staff or attended high school camp at our favorite Bible youth camp we had attended together since childhood.

When we both had graduated high school and I still didn’t have a car, she would sometimes even drive all the way to my parents’ just to pick me up and head back, and then do the same thing when it was time to take me home.

We told each other everything, and clung to our many years of memories, inside jokes and intimate knowledge of each other. At home we had other friendships and separate lives that didn’t include the other, but we had no secrets and when we came back together again, we created our own little clique that no one could penetrate. We were complete opposites and exactly alike at the same time and no matter the distance between us, or the time that would lapse between visits and phone calls or letters; we were always able to remain close and pick our relationship back up as if no time had gone by. Nothing and no one could come between us.

We had and still have the best kind of camaraderie, a muddled combination somewhere between the close bond of family and the idealistic dream of soul mates; unable to be separated by circumstances, time, distance and even huge changes in our lives. Our friendship is one of those truly rare, but widely coveted