House of Straw: A Book for Men On Separation and Divorce

By Kennedy Bell

House of Straw is for men who are seeking to advance their understanding of the separation and divorce process. This book combines Kennedy’s personal seven-year experience with separation and divorce and the knowledge gained from hundreds of men and women he has interviewed over the years who have firsthand experience with this very same life challenge. Kennedy’s objective is to help you better understand what you will be getting into if you are experiencing separation and/or divorce. House of Straw provides real and valuable advice that will help preserve your sanity and your parenting rights as well as preserve your hard-earned finances before she and her lawyers with the help of the court system take you for everything you’re worth and drive you crazy.
I wish you success on your journey and hope House of Straw helps to guide and inspire you along the way.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu Publishing Services
• Release date: Dec 13, 2017
• ISBN: 9781483471945

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BELL

Copyright © 2017 Kennedy Bell.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of the author, except in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

ISBN: 978-1-4834-7195-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4834-7194-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017910483

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Lulu Publishing Services rev. date: 11/14/2017

FOREWORD

When I was going through separation and divorce, I searched for resources on the subject of Separation and Divorce for men written by a man who had actually gone through the process and experienced the system firsthand. I didn’t find many resources, which left me very frustrated and misinformed. Certainly I wasn’t the first one to be going through this sort of experience. I remember telling others and myself there had to be more books or resources on this subject than I was seeing. I knew then in 2005 that more men needed to write books on this subject matter to help those of us who are going through it to understand what we can expect. Men like me want to know what we are getting ourselves into. I’d never been through this before, and I was virtually blind to the process. I never planned on getting a divorce, so I never had an action plan or plan B in place. I had always been successful in just about everything I had done up to that point, so failure was new to me, and frankly, I didn’t know what to do with it other than get as informed as possible so I could make smart decisions. Unfortunately, few to little resources existed. After discussions with a few lawyers, I understood that I needed to approach this like a business and keep as much emotion out of the process as possible. They explained that good decisions and emotion do not go hand and hand. As a sales and marketing executive, I was familiar with this. Keeping our emotions in check when making important decisions was one of the top ten rules of business. The problem was, my brain knew this, but my breaking heart wasn’t paying any attention. I was as about as confused and scared as anyone could be going into this. One of the many things I didn’t realize was that despite my ability to shove emotions aside or put them on the shelf, they still affected my decision-making. I thought I was being smart, but in the meantime, I was yammering to my attorney like a babbling monkey. As many of us eventually discover, using your attorney in place of a therapist can be very costly. Men need to realize that despite our ability to suck it up, our subconscious mind is soaking up all the pain, all the heartache, all the abuse, all the turmoil—and there is nothing your conscious mind can do about it once it comes to a head. We all have our capacities, but sometimes it gets to be too much, and it eventually comes to a head. If we don’t take time to grieve our loss and insist on stowing our feelings away in a memory cupboard to deal with later, we could very well end up having a nervous breakdown … in public … while you’re on a date … with no handkerchief … like me.

Men aren’t talking about this subject like women do. Men are meandering in the shadows and taking one for the team because their pride frequently gets the best of them. Men don’t talk about feelings, and we certainly don’t talk about the fact we are failing at our marriages or relationships. Women, on the other hand, talk about this all the time. Hell, this sort of subject matter is discussed daily in magazines and tabloids. It’s regularly gossiped about at tea parties, bars, restaurants, tennis and golf clubs, and just about anywhere else women congregate. In one case, I had gone outside of a country bar to relieve myself as the bathrooms were overcrowded and dirty and smelled like a tuna boat in hot weather. Yuck. While I was standing outside, it occurred to me I was within earshot of the women’s bathroom. This bathroom had a small window near the top of the nine-foot wall so nobody could look inside. However, anyone could hear what was being talked about inside. All within five minutes I heard discussions about who the best-looking guy was, who was the most inebriated, how they had acted the night before when they were drunk, what sort of sex they liked, if any of the other girls had done that before, and who had any perfume or lip gloss. Oh my God, do women actually ever go to the bathroom in the bathroom? In the meantime, one of the many man rules that goes unspoken is that very few to no men ever speak when they are doing their business. Men just don’t talk in the bathroom. These two analogies are simple and funny but very real differences about how men and women communicate very differently with each other. It is also a strong explanation as to why it seems women are well organized and men aren’t when it comes to issues of relationship dynamics, separation, and divorce. Take note men, women are way ahead of the game and you’re starting at a deficit. So, if you are reading this book it’s time to bone up on your knowledge and this book is a great start.

Relevant resources that exist for men are few and far between. Men just aren’t into writing self-help books about divorce. Men don’t like having to go back and remember painful or uncomfortable moments. Men would rather just move on and forget about the storm they just went through. Men cope and survive by having a short memory. As warriors, we get wounded, keep fighting, and keep persevering, and if we bleed, we patch it up and move on to fight another day. This is indicative with how men behave during divorce. Have you known a marriage that involved the man walking away from it all? I’m referring to the guy who was just so fed up he gave his wife the house, the car, the furniture, and the kids, and he left with his clothes, fishing pole, tool box, and whatever dignity he could gather up. Guys don’t like conflict, and we’ll do just about anything to avoid it. In the meantime, it seems women thrive on conflict as popular media portrays on a daily basis with Bravo’s Basketball Wives, Wives of Beverly Hills, Wives of Atlanta, so on and so forth. These women are brutal with how they treat each other. We can only learn from their behavior as to how we might be treated if we were ever to get on their bad side. Right? These women tear each other up over a simple comment about their hair, clothes, or shoes. Now put your money and kids on the line, and you’ve got yourself a full-blown bitch from hell ready to go to the ends of the earth to scorch the land of all life as you know it. Men would just rather walk away from it all because what men realize sooner than women is that it’s just stuff, and it’s never worth the pain, drama, and strife. Men just aren’t great at dealing with these emotions, and the ones who are would just rather move on.

I just didn’t want to deal with any of the stuff, I just wanted out as quickly as possible.

—David A.

I’ve heard countless stories of men so fed up with the divorce process that they literally just leave their belongings behind and take the clothes on their backs and a few items of necessity. Many men just don’t care about stuff like women do. Apparently women need to have physical possessions more than men to feel a semblance of security or safety. Women have to have the stuff, the knickknacks, which eventually become a focal point of their divorce fight. Women want the chairs, the paintings, the folding table, the mason jars, the furniture, the silverware, the dishes, pots and pans, the sewing equipment, the dolls, the ugly painting you bought at auction, and of course, the dogs. Women literally want just about all of it and will fight tooth and nail to get it, regardless of how much money, time, or effort it takes. This blows men away because many of us don’t care as much about this stuff as women do. What we do care about are the kids, not arguing, not having discord and dysfunction, watching or participating in our sports or hobbies, and knowing that all will be okay so we can function the next day so we can keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and our reputations and careers intact.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

—Red Skelton, comedian

Men normally do not like conflict and will go to great lengths to avoid it. Men want things as normal as possible, as quickly as possible so we can get back to work, sports, and friends and function at the level necessary to be the providers we were meant to be. Let’s face it: as long as men have food on the table, a roof over our heads, and clothes on our backs with a nice digital signal with access to sports channels life is pretty good—that and of course regular access to sex. Women, on the other hand, seem to thrive better on turmoil and chaos than men. Hint: Avoid dating a women who gossips and judges or is critical of other people. At first it can be cute and we call her by a cute pet name. However, after years of this behavior it can take its toll in the form of becoming a professional gossip and judge of you and your lifestyle. Women can tend to be highly myopic. Look for a woman who enjoys and thrives in the outdoors, wears little to no makeup, and doesn’t put a lot of value on possessions and things to make her happy. As we know from the advice we get, it’s best to look for a woman who looks and behaves beautiful first thing in the morning. Now of course, there isn’t any real science behind selecting the right mate. But there are some exercises we can practice to increase the likelihood of a long, happy relationship. That’s a topic for another book.

INTRODUCTION

What are the odds you’ll get married? And what are the odds of a divorce? As it turns out, statistics on these two questions are something the National Center for Health Statistics and the US Census Bureau has spent a lot of time collecting. One thing is for sure: I’ve never known anyone who was planning on getting married who wanted to eventually get a divorce. Love is grand in the beginning, when you’re in the courtship and honeymoon phase of the relationship. But like we’ve heard time and time again, things can take a turn when the honeymoon is over. Many are ill prepared for the till death do we part phase of the relationship. Most do not subscribe to the phrase, When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Most people bail out when tough times come to visit. Others bail out when things get boring, inconvenient, dissatisfying, or mundane. Others legitimately remove themselves from the relationship due to abuse or other damaging or abusive reasons. What I know is that most have no idea how to prepare themselves for the commitment of marriage and the till death do us part thing.

Many of us marry the person for the 80 percent of what we like and hope that the other 20 percent we don’t like will change or evolve. When this doesn’t happen, we get disenchanted and see this as a reason to not be married. Both genders are guilty of this behavior. Women want their men just as they are except for this or that and think they can change him. What we don’t understand is that it is imperative that we accept everything about the person as he or she is from the beginning. Sure, we can hope he or she evolves or changes, but disappointment is always the result of unmet expectations. When a man fails to change into the man the woman thinks she wants or hoped for rather than the man she married, things have a tendency to go south.

When people first start dating, many put on a false front. We dress our best, wear our best cologne, are on our best behavior, and display our best tableside and bedside manners. We use the mouthwash, we shave and smile, and we do and say all the right things. After the first few dates, our behavior changes, and we naturally become more relaxed with ourselves as by know we’ve received some measure of acceptance from the woman we are dating. We have also received some measure of approval, so naturally men become a bit more confident. After a date or few, men move to the flip-flops and tousled hair, and oftentimes the discussion points can get a little deeper depending on the level of trust established by both him and the person he is dating. People often pretend to be what they are not. Funny as this seems, many continue to put on false fronts even through marriage. False fronts are often used at the introduction or first meeting phase of the engagement. Men often use the false fronts in hopes of impressing the opposite sex to impress or entice the party to like them or achieve some level of validation. Many do not know how to deal with the psychological and emotional challenges marriage presents. Many have unrealistic expectations about what marriage is and what it should be. Many of us depend on false idols or things or our partner to make us happy. Fact is that joy and contentment as well as happiness come from within, and it is at this very important point in the relationship that if one depends and counts on others for personal happiness or joy, the relationship/marriage has a significantly greater chance of failure. Honesty with oneself is paramount and honesty with our partner is just as important. We must take personal responsibility for one’s own joy and happiness without the expectation that possessions, such as money, cars, boats, and homes, as well as other people will provide our happiness and joy. If you subscribe to a faith, you may understand this concept.

Relationships and marriages have multiple stages. The courtship period is when we attempt to be at our best to attract and please our partners. The second is the honeymoon period in which it seems nothing can go wrong and we love just about everything about our partners. The third stage is the incompatibility stage. This is the stage where we realize the relationship has its challenges and differences. Essentially, this is the fork in the road. During this phase, we decide the fate of our relationship or marriage. We decide to find a way to manage these differences and use them to build on the loving relationship, or we choose to have these differences divide us and define the relationship, which may ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship. The fourth stage is the growing phase. Once we decide to manage the differences we have with our partners, only then are we able to grow together in the relationship, which leads to the last phase—acceptance. Acceptance is the last phase of relationship or marriage whereby we accept our role in the relationship, as well as our partner’s. We accept that the marriage has upsides and downsides, good and bad, right and wrong, but we find a way to understand and forgive and accept our partners for everything they are and everything they aren’t. Know this: oftentimes it is the things that bring us together in the beginning that drive us apart at the end. Those cute little behaviors aren’t so cute anymore. In fact, they’re annoying as hell, and it drives us up the wall.

Why Do Marriages Go Wrong?

My simple reasoning is that either people fall out of love or circumstances are so dysfunctional that marriage is no longer an option. In addition, people change and can grow apart, making marriage no longer viable for either partner. On the other hand, we can be a little more analytical about why people divorce.

Compatibility: That’s the ultimate key—being congruent with your mate and being a suitable, compatible mate for a lifelong relationship, both before and after saying, I do. Compatibility is key.

Communication: That means sharing, talking, and staying on the same page. If communication is lacking, this can be the beginning of the end.

Authenticity: That’s just being yourself. I think we need to be able to be loved as the person we truly are. We remove a lot of the barriers when we’re really ourselves and give a clear picture of who our mate needs to love.

Intimacy: People are forgetting how to connect in today’s society. Intimacy is about building value and closeness on a level that transcends physicality. Those types of encounters are what we must continuously enrich our marriages with.

Acceptance: Accepting people for who they are, and accepting things for what they are—even though they’re not always ideal—is paramount to a happy, successful marriage.

Although the above seems to sound right and in many cases accurate, it doesn’t mean it’s right for you and your relationship. For example, you can have all of the above except for the one weekend you fly into another city for business, hook up with another human because your wife