Our Divine Spinoff

By TK Wade

IN THE BEGINNING...

The spinoff to Our Divine Comedy is here at last. T.K. Wade retells three classic stories from his unique perspective. Dogma will be completely ignored along the way, so a hearty sense of humor is highly recommended. Don't have a sense a humor? Uh oh...

Witness as an angelic hybrid named Samson slaughters countless Philistines while having lots of sex with their pretty women! Look on in shock as Job is ruined and tortured in order for God to win a righteous bet! Be amazed as a dog-headed man named Christopher breaks all the rules of his people as he seeks out the greatest king in all the world! There really is no reason to NOT read this book. Seriously. I mean... Wow. It's so cool.

Written by devout Christian, T.K. Wade, "Our Divine Spinoff" seeks to break the common perception of God and the perfectly strange world that he created.

Also that guy Chris is in this one too. There's a scene where God makes him wear a French maid's outfit. It wasn't pretty.

• Language: English
• Publisher: TK Wade
• Release date: Oct 8, 2020
• ISBN: 9781005766702

TK Wade

T.K. Wade is a writer based in coastal North Carolina. His favorite author is L. Frank Baum who has inspired a great deal of his work. Although he specializes in children's literature, he enjoys writing in nearly every genre under the sun. He spends most of his time writing in a room filled with plush animals. Also, you can read his blog at http://tkwadeauthor.blogspot.com/Please enjoy!

Book preview

Chapter 1 – Just a Friendly Game

In the beginning, God sat across the table from Lucifer as he dealt out the cards. Lucifer watched the cards land before him. His face was stone cold and slightly disinterested. When all the cards were dealt, the angel asked, What are the rules of the game this time?

God replied, All cards are wild except the jokers. But that’s okay because I took the jokers out of the deck. Also if any of the aces get played it’s an instant win.

You have all of the aces, don’t you?

Yup.

Lucifer groaned. Have I ever told you how much I hate playing Poker with you?

Yes, replied God. It’s part of the reason I keep asking you to play it with me. Either way, it will give us another opportunity to chat.

Good enough.

At this moment, Chris walked into the room where the great table which held the universe upon it resided. Chris was a simple mortal human that God had chosen to be his pet donkey, despite him still being a human. Wait, said Chris when he looked back and forth between God and Lucifer. I thought you two were enemies.

Yes, said Lucifer.

Nope, said God looking back at the angel.

Lucifer quickly changed his answer to, No.

Chris looked confused. God saw this and said to him, You look confused, Henry.

My name is Chris, corrected the mortal.

I’m not sure what you’re talking about, Fenwick. Any reason why you’re bothering us?

Chris sighed. It’s just that you and Lucifer never seem to get along. I thought he was your enemy.

God chuckled as he looked at all of the aces in his hands. Lucifer isn’t my enemy. Now, the humans on the Line have got a few things to worry about, but I sure don’t.

How can you be sure? asked Chris.

God eyed over at Lucifer and ordered, Lucifer, please punch yourself in the face. A moment later, Lucifer balled up his strong angelic fist and coldcocked himself… although he was all right a moment later."

The only thing Chris could think of to say was, Why would he do that?

Because he’s programmed that way. Now, if you don’t mind, Louie, we’re trying to play this game that I’m going to win. Go eat your donkey oats or something.

After Chris wandered off, Lucifer spoke up, You mistreat him.

Ah, you’ve noticed! Anyways, I wanted to talk to you about this whole genetic manipulation business you’ve been up to recently.

The hybrids? the angel asked.

Yes. Really not a fan. I understand you and your misguided angel friends like fiddling around with what isn’t yours, but nothing good has really come of it. It all seems to lead to slavery and death. Have you noticed?

The humans will die anyways, returned Lucifer. We just wish to give them a sense of order before their ultimate time arrives. Also, I do wish you would refer to these actions as what they truly are.

Abominations? asked God.

Creation, said Lucifer. But then God started laughing. Lucifer remained stone-faced through it all.

God finally regained himself enough to say, Sorry, I love how you joke with me sometimes. I keep forgetting you are one of my best creations. A lot of what you tell me just sounds so stupid.

It isn’t stupid, said Lucifer through his teeth. The things we have done have saved the humans on countless occasions.

Saved them how?

We keep their more wild tendencies under control. Surely you know about them.

I do. I rather like those tendencies. I just don’t see how angelic hybrids really make anything truly better though. Just feels like things are getting messy.

Lucifer was quiet as he watched God stare at all eight of his aces. A smile formed on his lips. He then asked, Do you think that maybe you could do it better?

Yes, said God calmly.

Lucifer was a bit surprised that the answer came so quickly. Are you willing to try?

Sure, why not? But I shall focus more on individualism than with this silly thing you have with control.

Lucifer groaned. The whole point of the experiment is to control the masses.

"No, that’s your point. I’m more about judgement and retribution. After that golden calf incident, I rather like seeing my own people slaughtered regularly. I shall focus on the individual and allow him the privilege of killing the people who deserve to die."

Very well, agreed Lucifer. And is there someone in particular that you have your eyes set on in this experiment?

Indeed, I do. His name is Manoah. God placed down an ace… and then another one… and then another one… and then another one. Lucifer watched until about twenty aces were down before just tossing all of his own cards behind him. To be continued.

~~~~~

Commentary for Chapter 1

The Real Cheater

I suppose the proper thing to do, when dealing with a card game between God and Lucifer, would be to assume that the cheater would be Lucifer rather than God. After all, Lucifer is the baddy, right? He’s the great adversary. The king of lies. Why wouldn’t he cheat?

The truth is that, more often than not, Lucifer much prefers fairness and order over underhanded cheating. That is not to say that he will avoid cheating altogether. However if he does cheat, he will simply rationalize the act to be fair in some way.

In this rather comical game of Poker, Lucifer will not cheat. He is going to play the victim as God cheats him quite openly. He’ll then go back to his fellow angels and whine about how unfair God was. In the world of Lucifer, he is always just so mistreated by God, and he’ll look for any evidence he can to blame him for his troubles.

The thing about God is that he is not at all obligated to follow any rules at all. He is well within his right to cheat at every game he plays. Nobody can contest him on that. After all, he’s God. He has a righteous privilege to cheat. Even though Lucifer may complain about it, his complaints will never amount to anything. They’re just noise. Noise that makes God chuckle every time he sounds them.

One of the major themes of this book, as you will soon see, is the rule-breaking aspect of God. He is not bound by any set of laws, principles, or statutes. And how could he ever be? He’s God! He is the great one who sits at the top of all things. He built this world and can just as easily destroy it. So as far as cheating is concerned… well… God gets an extra special license to it.

~~~~~

Chapter 2 – Methodology

What are you doing? asked Mister Nobody.

God looked to his right and saw his Holy Spirit sitting where he always sat. I am working on something.

Working on what?

Creating a hybrid. Did you want to watch?

Not particularly, but I haven’t had much else to look at while I’ve been sitting here.

God smiled. I rather like it when you watch me do things… even when you dislike what you see. The things I do here will be as a dry run for things to come. I’m actually rather excited."

"You look excited."

God nodded. Just stay where you are and watch as I do something really cool. Mister Nobody huffed and crossed his arms. He said nothing more for the time being.

Lucifer walked back into the room just as God was leaning over the table of which was the universe. Are things ready for the experiment? asked the angel.

Almost, said God. That card game we had destroyed a good part of the universe, but I don’t think it will affect things negatively. A lot of it was around the outer edges of it anyways.

Very good. Have you chosen a candidate?

I have, Lucifer. I admit to it not being an easy decision. Now, if I bring one of my good, obedient angels in here, are you going to get along with him? I’m not gonna have to put you in a ‘time out’, am I?

I’m fine, said Lucifer through his teeth.

God smiled and called out into the other room, All right! You can come in now!

Upon God’s call, a tall, musclebound angel walked into the room. He had long, beautiful hair and carried a sword and a shield. Chris, who was standing nearby in the room, swooned and passed out from the angel’s beauty alone. The angel saw this and asked, What is wrong with him?

God just rolled his eyes and said, He’s mortal. And yes we can see you are a very pretty angel. Almost as pretty as Lucifer here. Lucifer groaned slightly.

The angel nodded and asked, What is it that you would have me do?

God nodded and turned back to the table. Come. Have a look at the table.

The totally ripped angel walked over to look at what God wanted to show him. Chris swooned again even though he was already passed out. Thus was the incredible hotness of this angel.

God pointed at a particular point on the Line. See that man there?

Yes, confirmed the angel.

That man there is named Manoah. He has a sperm count of three.

Three hundred?

No just three. The chances of him having a child with his wife are less than Lucifer ever winning a game of poker with me.

Has Lucifer ever won a game with you? asked the angel.

Nah. He can’t because I cheat. So you get the point, right?

Of course, nodded the angel. Lucifer groaned again and chose to remain silent.

God continued, So his wife… I can’t remember her name. She wants to have a child really bad. She’s been begging her incredibly incapable husband for one, and… well… I mean… It’s just not going to happen. At this point, she’ll live and die without any child at all.

The angel nodded and asked, Do you want me to kill her then?

God was surprised. What?! No! Don’t be ridiculous! What am I? Heartless?! No! I want you to have sex with her. And discreetly. Like while she’s sleeping. I don’t want her heart to stop from how pretty you are. She’s getting on in age a bit.

I understand, said the incredibly handsome angel.

I mean… You can still tell her about it when she wakes up. And you can even give me the credit. It’s my plan after all.

I will do so, confirmed the angel. When should I begin?

Now is fine.

It will be done. And so the angel opened his wings and flew down into the Line to complete his task.

God turned to Lucifer and said, You see how obedient he is? Lucifer rolled his eyes.

To be continued.

~~~~~

Commentary for Chapter 2

The Angel Is Gonna Do What Now?

Hybrids were almost exclusively a project of Satan Lucifer. The story of Samson was one of the very, very few times that God ever stuck his finger into the pot. Jesus himself can be considered something of a hybrid, but the difference there was that Jesus could not be called a demon. Samson could. Why? One part angel, one part mortal. A demon.

Angels are no joke. You would have a very difficult time standing in their presence. I always presented the Chris character as a big weak-willed. It was no surprise when he passed out like a blushing, little girl. You try to do better. Not to mention that this angel was very likely an arch angel, the cream of the crop!

You may also wonder why this angel was so quick to agree to the sexual encounter with some random human female. It wasn’t really something in his common agenda. This particular angel pretty much lived to do the bidding of God. There was nothing he would not do for him. Good and obedient angels just do as they are told without asking any questions. God liked it that way. Lucifer is also good at obeying orders, but