Our Divine Comedy

By TK Wade

IN THE BEGINNING...

Prepare yourself! You are about to embark on a hilarious journey to the beginning of time. T.K. Wade irreverently portrays the truth about why God ultimately created the universe.

(Spoiler: He got really bored.)

Witness the creation of everything you ever knew and beyond! Marvel at how God mistreats people who annoy him! Finally understand the true nature of Lucifer! Discover the divine virtues of being a complete jerk! Everything can be found within this book. Seriously everything. It's really amazing.

Written by devout Christian, T.K. Wade, "Our Divine Comedy" seeks to break the common perception of God in order to get to who truly exists way, way, way up there.

Also there is a guy named Chris in the book. He's kinda funny. You'll like him.

• Language: English
• Publisher: TK Wade
• Release date: Mar 19, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463122259

TK Wade

T.K. Wade is a writer based in coastal North Carolina. His favorite author is L. Frank Baum who has inspired a great deal of his work. Although he specializes in children's literature, he enjoys writing in nearly every genre under the sun. He spends most of his time writing in a room filled with plush animals. Also, you can read his blog at http://tkwadeauthor.blogspot.com/Please enjoy!

Book preview

OUR DIVINE COMEDY

by

T.K. Wade

SMASHWORDS EDITION

*****

PUBLISHED BY:

T.K. Wade on Smashwords

Cover Art Illustrated by:

Chris Buffaloe

Our Divine Comedy

Copyright © 2019 by T.K. Wade

ISBN: 9780463122259

*****

OUR DIVINE COMEDY

*****

Forward

On September 25, 2018, I began posting a blog to the internet called Our Divine Comedy, which was billed under a currently running series of which was named Fairy Tale Spotlight. The latter series was intended to be a hard look at ancient and modern fairy tales with an attempt to seek validity in them. Somewhere along the way, I suggested that the Bible itself was a fairy tale while still being true. Our Divine Comedy accepted this premise but was entirely my own story written as a religious satire. However I considered the events presented to be based on fact. I simply joked about it as I went along.

The whole project was inspired by a vision I had while suffering through the hot and humid blackout after we were hit by Hurricane Florence. I spent a lot of time just sitting very still as these thoughts and images came to me with startling clarity. I imagined it all happening at my friend Chris’ dining room. It was as if my friends and I were acting out a scene, but the scene itself was a real depiction of actual events in history. These events also seemed to have a comedic take which is likely why this book ends up being such a satire. One of my friends informed me that I must have been meditating which allowed the vision to surface.

When the power finally came on, I was overcome with an impulse to begin writing what I had seen. I opened up at the same point where my vision had started, which just turned out to be the beginning of everything. I then continued all the way until I was finished. Twenty-seven chapters, and it all ended right on Christmas Day. I have never been so completely relieved that something was finished, which totally freaks me out that I have decided to compile it into this book. What’s wrong with me? Am I nuts? When will the suffering end?! Sigh! Not today, it seems!

My purpose with this book is to do a little explaining. I warn you that I shall be extremely irreverent as I go. I just want to be very clear with what I was trying to say with this story. I also want to point out that I may actually be wrong. I could just be crazy, but a lot of this really seems to click perfectly in my mind. Maybe it will click with you. So after each chapter, I shall provide extensive commentary about what was going through my mind as I wrote it. Perhaps, after I do this, things will be a bit clearer to the both of us.

Finally, Our Divine Comedy is entirely based on my beliefs as to who God really is, his relationship with man, the agenda of Lucifer, and eventually why Jesus was ultimately born. It attempts to tear apart common teachings in order to shed, what I believe to be, a proper light on things. Take everything for a grain of salt, but do try and keep an open mind. There may be something to it. If not… Whelp! Back to the drawing board!

~~~~~

Chapter 1 – In the Beginning…

In the beginning, there was nothing. No, really. Nothing. It was just a black void of... nothing. Empty. Black. Heck, maybe it wasn’t black. It was as if the entire universe was the transparency effect of a PNG image. Both lacking in color, substance, and eyes to see such lack of anything.

Really, it is incredibly hard to say just how empty the universe was. If you can imagine the blandest thing that you can possibly imagine, then multiply its blandness by six billion, and then erase whatever you have altogether, then that is pretty much what existed. And that was what we had here. All your TVs, video games, books, movies, and pizza parlors were not even an idea. That’s right! Even ideas were missing from the universe. Just a flat, misty nothing. A total lack of existence.

Now, I don’t really want to cast any aspirations on this massive/nonmassive emptiness. I mean... it wasn’t like it was doing anything to anybody. Not that there was anybody to do anything to. I mean... we are talking about a massive nonexistence of anything whatsoever here. The relevancy of the universe’s irrelevancy was staggering beyond belief. And I would further credit this massive nothingness at having a good anti-war policy–in that, by dint of there not being anybody at all to fight wars, there were no wars to fight. And I am pleased, furthermore, with its health policy–in that, by dint of there not being anyone to be sick, there were no diseases at all. Peacefulness abounded quite well in this blank and transparent state. So for these and many other obvious reasons, I shall not cast aspersions.

But there was one major problem with it all. And I think you will agree. The main folly of all this nothing is that... well... to put it in simple terms... Oh, I’ll just say it! It was BORING! I mean... Nothing was happening!

Have you ever been forced to sit in one place for an entire day, and during this time, you do absolutely nothing? To simply sit there and exist, when nothing at all interesting is happening, is quite horrible. I can hardly even imagine it, but there it was. A great big nothing. A void. A massive zero. And you were forced to sit there and admire it... or nothing. You weren’t really admiring anything. There was nothing there. In fact, I’m not really sure why the word admiring was used. There is nothing really admirable about a void.

But then it was not really you admiring (or not admiring) anything. In truth, it was this one guy. His name was God. No, seriously, his name was actually God. Names were new at the time, and there was no need for complexities. Three letters were all that was needed. Dog sounded silly, so he just flipped it around and called it a name.

So there God… was sitting in his nonexistent chair staring out into the emptiness. Time had no meaning to him, so he very well could have been doing this for the last 40,000 millennia. Immortality can be a bitch. By this time, his mind must have been going. At the end of the very specific and important 41,234th millennium–I have no idea why it was this one specifically–God for the first time spoke. He had never spoken before in all of his existence. Truly, this was going to be an important moment. God opened his mouth, and the very first words of our great God came forth as loud and as clear as your own:

I’m bored.

And so contractions came into the universe! Who knew they started so early?! Just remember that whenever you abbreviate two words together, those came from the lips of God before anything at all existed before!

But that wasn’t all God said. That was just his first words. He also went on to say, No, really. I’m bored as heck! What have I been doing all this time! Just sitting here? There’s not even a chair under my ass. I’m just sitting on top of a void, in a void, surrounded by void. Wait. Is it even possible to sit on a void? Wouldn’t I just... And here God paused as he fell flat on his ass at the stark revelation that he would fall without anything under him. But upon this unfortunate happening, something very fortunate came of it.

I’ve just fallen on my back, said God using another contraction. That was exciting. I’ve been sitting on my ass for so long. I never knew falling over would be so much fun. I should do it again! So God sat back up and once again took note that such a thing was impossible without a chair... and so proceeded to fall on his ass again.

It wasn’t as fun as it was before, said God. "I mean, it was okay. There was the somewhat retro feel of it. I remembered the first time I fell on my ass. Wow! Great times! But this time... eh. So God tried to figure out what the problem was. Maybe I didn’t do it right." And so God, once more, hurled himself across the universe so that, once more, he fell upon his ass as hard as he could, once more.

Well, I’m bored again, said God. It’s so strange that... the first time I fell on my ass, everything was suddenly so much more exciting. But now it’s just as boring as everything else. But then God had an interesting idea. What if there were others with me to fall on their ass also! Then we could all do it together and have a fun time of it! That’s it! I’ll do it! cried out God who was clearly a fan of his own contractions at this point. I’ll create other people who can fall down on their ass whenever I like!

And so God created man. To be continued.

~~~~~

Commentary for Chapter 1

How Nothing is Nothing?

How do you explain what nothing is when nothing isn’t anything at all? Talk about an extremely difficult way of starting a story! I didn’t know what to do! I struggled so hard with this, which, of course, made for good comedy. I guess that’s why you can tell I was clearly stumbling over myself here. I still cringe about the PNG transparency example which would only make sense with people who were computer savvy. I might have done a little better on that one, yeah?

The more and more I think about the nothing that preceded creation, the more difficult it is for me to actually define it. It is enough to make one’s head explode if they tried hard enough. What is nothing? Isn’t nothing nothing? How nothing is nothing? Let’s chat about that for a bit.

I don’t think a black expanse is a proper enough attempt at explaining what a void of anything truly is. Black is still visible. It’s a color that is extremely easy to detect. When you close your eyes in a dark room, you see black. But that isn’t because you are in a void. It’s because there is not enough light in your eyes to perceive the pink of the inside of your eyelids. What God was dealing with before creation was not a lack of light. It was an absolute, perfect absence of anything.

So imagine if everything was made of glass–glass so perfect that you can’t even see it. So if reality is just invisible glass, you should still see whatever color is showing on the other side of the glass. But what if what is on the other side is also glass. What if everything is simply invisible? What color would it be? The answer is that it should not be any color at all. It’s the inability to see without ever know what seeing was. And yes… it was boring.

Human beings have many biases towards perception. They see colors because their eyes have a way to interpret those colors. They consider some bright, some dark. But you may be surprised that there are some colors that exist but cannot be seen. Bluish-yellow is a real color that can be mixed and produced. Strangely though, we cannot see it. In fact, our brain just gets confused, gives up, and then produces some random color for us to see just so we can move on. Bluish-yellow is referred to as a forbidden color for this reason.

Now with this in mind, imagine if your brain could not perceive any color at all. You would also be unable to see black, white, and all shades of gray as well. What would you see? Would there be any form or shape to anything? Now imagine that but, on top of it, there is actually nothing out there. Nothing on top of nothing on top of nothing. Is such a thing even remotely conceivable to you? It probably isn’t. It