Tough Crowd: My Adventures as a Chastity Educator

By Shawna Sparrow

Author Shawna Sparrow has spent the last 16 years teaching teenagers about chastity--saving sex for marriage. In her book, Tough Crowd: My Adventures as a Chastity Educator, she shares her experiences in the classroom as well as her insights into social issues related to sexuality. Covering topics such as the media, technology and comprehensive sex education, Shawna examines how our culture shapes the sexual behavior and morals of our youth. Her countless interactions with students reveal that chastity is indeed possible in our modern world. This book is a must read for parents, educators, youth pastors and anyone with a heart for young people. Find out how chastity education can change the world. 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Creation House
• Release date: Jan 9, 2013
• ISBN: 9781621363316

Book preview

MY ADVENTURES AS A

CHASTITY EDUCATOR

SHAWNA SPARROW

TOUGH CROWD: MY ADVENTURES AS A CHASTITY EDUCATOR

by Shawna Sparrow

Published by Creation House

A Charisma Media Company

600 Rinehart Road

Lake Mary, Florida 32746

www.charismamedia.com

This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United States of America copyright law.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked AMP are from the Amplified Bible. Old Testament copyright © 1965, 1987 by the Zondervan Corporation. The Amplified New Testament copyright © 1954, 1958, 1987 by the Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2010, 2011, International Bible Society. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are from the New King James Version of the Bible. Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc., publishers. Used by permission.

Design Director: Bill Johnson

Cover design by Terry Clifton

Copyright © 2012 by Shawna Sparrow

All rights reserved.

Visit the author’s website: www.toughcrowd.ca

Library of Congress Cataloging–in–Publication Data: 2012952826

International Standard Book Number: 978-1-62136-330-9

E-book International Standard Book Number: 978-1-62136-331-6

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors or for changes that occur after publication.

DEDICATION

For Annalea Violet Isabella Sparrow, whose kind

heart and beautiful innocence inspire me to keep

fighting for all that is good.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

THANK YOU TO all the dedicated members of the various Teen-Aid boards across Saskatchewan for keeping the chastity message alive in our communities and schools, with particular thanks to Mary Riendeau for believing in this project. Thank you to all of the Teen-Aid educators past and present, with special thanks to Deborah Judt, who was my teaching partner for more than ten years and will be a friend for life.

This book would not have been possible without the loving support of my family and friends. Thank you to my parents Don and Peggy Sparrow for raising me in a loving, faith-filled environment. Thank you to Donny Sparrow, for coming up with the title, Tough Crowd, and for being the best brother and friend anyone could ever hope for. Thank you to my sister, Christina Sparrow, for her encouragement and for always believing in me. Thank you to Heather Sparrow and Terry Mattson for joining our family and giving us more people to love. Thank you to my niece, Annalea Sparrow for bringing much needed jubilation into my life. I also send out thanks to my extended family on both the Sparrow and McCrea sides, especially to my grandmother Wilma McCrea and my aunt Betty McCrea for passing on a legacy of faith. I also thank my aunts Laurie Knutson and Wendy Buss for their love and prayers.

I must also thank my sisters-in-Christ, whose prayers and friendship have been such a gift to me. Special thanks to Marina O’Donnell, Renee Neufield, Amanda Dodge, Leticia Stephenson, Michelle Rivers, Trisena Holst, Rachelle Bueckert, and Jayna Snider.

And finally, . . . thanks to the Father, which hath made us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light; who hath delivered us from the power of darkness and hath translated us into the kingdom of his dear Son (Col. 1:12–13, KJV).

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter 1 What Is Chastity Again?

Purity of Heart

Purity of Mind

Purity of Language

Purity in Our Bodies

The Call to Modesty

How Is Chastity Different from Abstinence?

How Is Chastity Different from Celibacy?

How Is Chastity Different from Virginity?

How Far Can You Go and Still Call It Chastity?

What about Sexual Assault? Can That Person Still Follow Chastity?

Conclusion

Chapter 2 Too Cool for School:

The Effect of Sexual Messages in Society

The Sex Is Cool Message

Media Depictions of Virginity

Inconsistent Media Messages about Sexual Activity

Teens in the Media

Strike a pose

Monkey See, Monkey Do

I spy with my little eye something that is chaste

Gotta Have It: The Necessity of Sex Message

Chastity Education Works

Chapter 3 What Did You Expect?

Setting Standards for Teens

Tell Me What You See: How Expectations Shape Our Behavior

Does the Media Shape or Reflect our Sexual Expectations?

Setting the Bar for Teenagers

The Safe Sex Campaign

On a need to know basis

The Protection of Innocence

False impressions

That’s what she said

The HPV Vaccine

Chapter 4 The Battle of the Bandwagons:

Chastity Education vs. Comprehensive Sex Education

Mixed Messages

How Safe Is Safe?

Condoms and Sexually Transmitted Infection

We’ve got you covered (not really)

What’s at stake?

Condoms and Pregnancy

When Did We Forget What Safe Means?

Hormonal Contraception and Abortifacients

The Inconsistency of Teen Contraceptive Use

Ready Set Go

More Than Just a Body: The Emotional Consequences of Sex

Spirit and Truth, Faith and Values

Chapter 5 Mission Possible:

How to Practice Chastity in an Unchaste World

Self-Control and the Sexual Appetite

Exposure

Experience

Expectations

Steps to Sexual Self-Control

Understand that sex is a desire, not a need

Change the channel

Know your limits

Avoid drug and alcohol use

Set physical limits

Viewing habits

Counteracting Causes of Teen Sexual Activity

What’s Love Got to Do with It?

Physical affection

Words of affirmation

Gifts

Acts of service

Quality time

Building Self-Worth

Finding Acceptance

Renewed Chastity

Regaining Sexual Self-Control

Chapter 6 Reverse Engineering:

A Case for Sex in Marriage

What Is Sex For?

Structure

Function

Operation

Sex Is for Bonding and Babies

Bonding: the implications of oxytocin

Error, error

Babies: marriage as the best context for raising a family

Why Marriage Is More than Just a Piece of Paper

Everlasting love

The Benefits of Marriage

Financial benefits

Increased life expectancy

Better physical and mental health

Common-Law Relationships: As Long As We Both Shall Feel Like It

Benefits of Saving Sex for Marriage

Preserving wonder and mystery

Better sex life

No baggage

Security and permanence

True freedom

Isn’t That Special?

Chapter 7 The Domino Effect of Contraception:

The Root of Sexually Permissive Attitudes

The Question: When Does Life Begin?

The Contraceptive Mentality

The Link Between Contraception and Abortion

Determining Humanity

Size

Level of development

Environment

Degree of dependency

The Miracle of Prenatal Development

The Orwellian World of Planned Parenthood

Post-Abortion Syndrome

Hyperarousal symptoms: anxiety and guilt

Intrusive symptoms: flashbacks and anniversary syndrome

Constrictive symptoms: psychological numbness, self-punishment, and depression and suicide

Planned Parenthood’s Response to Post-Abortion Syndrome

The Story of Norma McCorvey, aka Jane Roe

The Business of Abortion

Support for Post-Abortive Women: Rachel’s Vineyard

Chapter 8 Role Play:

How Gender Roles Affect Relationships

The Bondage of Women’s Liberation

The Myth of Feminization

Gender: Biology or Social Construct?

Marriage: Commodity or Natural Desire?

Biblical Perspectives on True Feminism

Men in a Post-Feminist World

The Man-Child

Metrosexuality

Sexual Identity

The Christian Response to Homosexuality

Identity vs. Orientation

Risks Associated with the Gay Lifestyle

The Risk of Suicide Contagion

Reconciling Inclinations with Identity

The Right to Privacy

Aligning Attractions with Values

Chaste Responses to Same-Sex Attraction

The path of chastity

Opposite-sex marriage

Reorientation

Celibacy

Chapter 9 Rage Against the Machine:

Technology and Sexuality

How Electronic Communication Has Changed Human Interaction

Self-Disclosure

Effort

Connection and Intimacy

Online dating

Limitations of computer match-making

Internet Pornography

Addiction

Isolation

Negative attitudes toward women

The debilitation of marital intimacy

How pornography affects women

Women and erotica

Be Aware and Beware

Treatment for Pornography Addiction

Renouncing false sexual beliefs

Resensitization

Preventing Pornography Use

Chapter 10 It Takes a Family to Prepare a Child for the Village:

The Role of the Family in Chastity Education

The Formative Years

The Role of the Family in Society

How Parents Can Foster Chaste Behavior in Their Children

1. Build Relationship

Ways to show love

2. Create a Strong Family Atmosphere

Complementary roles of mothers and fathers

Daddy’s girl

Boys and dads

Are you my mother?

3. Teach Values That Facilitate Chaste Behavior

Responsibility

Empathy

Conscience

Self-control

Respect

Courage

4. Use Teachable Moments

5. Set Dating Standards

Dating vs. friendship

Levels of dating

Advantages of delaying dating

Dating and self-worth

Research on Dating

Dating age

Dating rules

Teen reasoning and decision making

Helping Teenagers Practice Chastity

What If Teens Are Already Sexually Active?

Conclusion

Notes

Bibliography

About the Author

Contact the Author

INTRODUCTION

ICOULD NEVER DO that job."

This is one of the most frequent things people say when I tell them that I am a chastity educator. And yet it is the job that I have been doing for the last sixteen years. So how did I get started with a profession that is seemingly so undoable?

I had always wanted to be a teacher. Even back when I was a student I would critique my own teachers’ varying levels of skill. I couldn’t imagine a better place to be than in front of the classroom. Of course, I never envisioned I would become a chastity educator. I had planned on being a regular classroom teacher. I went into the College of Education at the University of Saskatchewan immediately after finishing high school, and in 1996 I graduated with a major in English and a double minor in History and French. I spent that summer traveling to towns across Saskatchewan for job interviews: Delisle, Plenty, Shaunavon, and Moose Jaw, just to name a few. Teaching jobs were difficult to come by; and it became routine to receive a phone call from various directors of education telling me I’d come in a close second, but that they’d gone with another candidate and could they keep my resume on file. It was a long and frustrating summer.

One day in August I saw an advertisement for a Provincial coordinator position for an organization called Teen-Aid. A bachelor of education was a requirement for the position. I was only familiar with Teen-Aid through commercials I’d seen with the slogan Chastity—that’s my choice. Apparently many others had also seen these commercials, because afterwards when I told people I was going to be working for Teen-Aid, they’d automatically reply, Chastity—that’s my choice. Ah, the power of advertising. But in my case, it was actually true. Chastity had always been my choice. Like most Christians, I had been raised to believe that God intended sex for marriage. This was something I heard at home and in church. Many of my friends had been raised with the same message, but it didn’t seem to be enough for them. They questioned it, or rebelled against it, or maybe went along with it without understanding why. Yet for some reason, I had always been blessed with the understanding that sexuality was a valuable and sacred gift. Looking back, I suppose God knew I’d end up with Teen-Aid and so He revealed the truth and meaning of sexuality to me instinctively. It wasn’t a particular sermon or Bible study that made it all click into place. I simply always understood that sex was so special it should be saved for the person you marry.

So when I saw the ad, it struck a chord. The position would allow me to make use of my education and to promote a message that I believed. The application process involved answering a questionnaire about my views on chastity. Teen-Aid understands the importance of its educators being good role models of chastity. Teenagers have a very sensitive hypocrisy detector, so it is essential that educators aren’t only promoting the lifestyle, but living it themselves. I found completing the application to be a valuable process. It gave me the rare opportunity to verbalize my beliefs and to reflect on my personal convictions about chastity. As I was preparing my application, I mentioned the job to my younger brother Donny and added, Maybe I’ll be the next Donna Martin. He nodded in perfect understanding.

For those of you who don’t share my brother’s perfect understanding, Donna Martin was a character on the original Beverly Hills 90210 television show, and was portrayed by Tori Spelling. The show was popular when I was in high school and university. It was about a group of attractive teenagers living in Beverly Hills and explored issues such as teen drug and alcohol abuse, pregnancy scares, and sideburns. All of the characters were sexually active except for Donna Martin, whose virginity was for some reason always a topic of discussion. If there was an episode about Donna, it was about her virgin status and its various complications to her life. She was always being pressured or even cheated on for saying no. Looking back, I suppose it wasn’t a very positive portrayal of chastity, but at the time I clung to this televised representation of virginity, thrilled that there was someone I could point to and say, She’s like me. Of course, Donna Martin didn’t remain a virgin until marriage. Donna’s virginity was simply another plot point to create suspense. She was continually on the verge of losing her virginity until some unforeseen incident would intervene, like her parents arriving unexpectedly or her running into her childhood priest or her becoming intoxicated at grad. After every near miss, Donna would recommit to wait. The producers continued to stretch out the story line to maximize the ratings when she ultimately lost her virginity after graduating from college. And then she was just like everyone else. TV virginity is never presented as a valuable part of someone’s identity but rather something to cash in for more viewers during a sweeps period or for a season finale. However, at the time of my application, Donna Martin was my main cultural reference point for chastity.

I submitted my application to Teen-Aid and later that night wrote in my diary, I feel a sense of destiny about this job. I was contacted for an interview for the Provincial coordinator job, which was essentially an office position situated in my hometown of Saskatoon. After meeting me, the Teen-Aid board members decided I would be better suited to the classroom. They referred me to a Teen-Aid teaching position in North Battleford. The job would involve traveling to the towns in the Northwest area of Saskatchewan, teaching grade 6–12 students about chastity. I traveled to North Battleford for a second interview and was offered the position that evening. By this time it was September, and the board decided the position would begin in November. That would give me two months to move from Saskatoon to North Battleford, find a place to live, buy a car, and, oh yeah, get my driver’s license! It was a very hectic two months.

My immediate family was supportive of me accepting the position. Others reacted with surprise and skepticism when I told them I would be teaching chastity to teenagers. It probably did seem like a strange fit for me. I had been mortified and scandalized by my own experience of sex education at school. With my natural modesty, I scowled at dirty jokes and vulgar expressions. Along with that I am petite and quite shy. So I suppose the reaction was understandable. They’ll eat her alive! my grandma exclaimed upon hearing the news. Yet by November I was in North Battleford and ready to hit the road. So began my illustrious career as a chastity educator.

During that first year I learned so much about teenagers. The biggest surprise was that teenagers actually wanted to hear about chastity. When people say, I could never do that job, I think they are assuming that teenagers would be hostile to the chastity message. Certainly some of them are. I did run into defensive and combative attitudes. Yet overwhelmingly, the reaction was positive. I was also relieved to discover that the teenagers had no intention of eating me alive. Aside from the odd difficult class, most of the students were attentive and respectful. By the end of the school year, I was happy to conclude that not only could I do the job but also that it was in fact a very rewarding job. That is why I’ve been with Teen-Aid ever since. As the years have passed, I have moved back to Saskatoon and now teach Teen-Aid in the Saskatoon area. I ended up getting the Provincial coordinator job I originally applied for as well, and I now work in a dual capacity as an instructor and administrator.

I realize that I have a unique perspective on teen sexuality and that is why I decided to write this book. I don’t pretend to be an authority on the subject. All I can do is share the insights I have gleaned from my own experiences and hope that others will be inspired to have a little more faith in what teenagers are capable of. I do run into some tough crowds now and then—tough in more ways than one. Not only can it be challenging to exhort young people to live such a counter-cultural lifestyle but often the teens have tough and hardened hearts as well. Many of them have been hurt and disillusioned at a tender age. These students need to see that there is something better out there for them. Over the years I have seen both the good and the bad, yet overall my experiences with teenagers have left me with a heart full of hope. Devoting time and energy to our youth is always a worthwhile investment.

Chapter 1

WHAT IS CHASTITY AGAIN?

WHAT’S CHASTITY AGAIN?"

This is the last question I want to hear when I am halfway through a Teen-Aid presentation. I feel like saying, You know, the thing we’ve been talking about this whole time!? To be fair, chastity isn’t really a household term these days so it’s no wonder that students need a little repetition.

So what is chastity? Well, the short answer is—saving all sexual activity for marriage. Ready for the long answer?

Chastity is a lifestyle of sexual purity. This purity is reflected in our hearts, minds, words, and bodies.

PURITY OF HEART

Everything begins in the heart. Jesus underlines the importance of the heart in Matthew 15:19: For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander. Before these things become actions, they are desires and intents within our hearts. Jesus also says in Matthew 5:28, But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Clearly, what happens in our hearts is very important. Purity of heart involves eliminating unchaste desires and developing an aspiration for chastity. Chastity requires a willing heart. People are rarely successful with chastity if they are following it against their will. The attitude shouldn’t be, I’d like to have sex, but my religion forbids me, or, I would totally have sex, but there are too many risks. This is why I avoid leaning too heavily on scare tactics in my presentations. Sex is risky and the consequences are scary, but I would rather inspire people than scare them. Fear isn’t the best motivation for chastity.

A commitment to chastity is most successful when people believe in it from their hearts. In your heart, what do you believe about sex? What is sex for? What value do you want it to have in your life? To fully grasp chastity, one needs to agree that sex belongs in marriage. When people understand the beauty of God’s design for sex, then they have reverence for its power and sacredness; they will want to save it for marriage. When people love purity, chastity will win out even in the face of sexual temptation. Students often ask me how I manage to stay true to chastity; and my answer is, I don’t want to have sex with someone I’m not married to. Obviously, it is normal and healthy to physically desire sex. We are created with a sexual appetite. Yet, life is full of conflicting desires. Usually the stronger desire wins out. Someone who is trying to lose weight may say, I want that brownie, but I want to be thin even more. When the alarm goes off in the morning, most of us want to go back to sleep, but we probably want to keep our jobs even more. It is the same with sexual purity, and that is why the heart is so important. A desire for purity can be stronger than a temporary desire for sex. Consider this student comment following a Teen-Aid presentation:

I think I feel like most guys my age and want to have sex but I feel even stronger that waiting for the right girl would be more rewarding.

—GRADE 11 MALE

Purity of heart sets people free to follow chastity joyfully. I’m sure there are many people who dutifully follow chastity but feel enslaved to the rules. They follow chastity because they think they have to, not because they want to. They adhere to chastity because of their faith but inwardly resent it. It is in these circumstances that chastity becomes a constant struggle because people end up battling themselves. These people need to set up all kinds of tricks or restrictions to stay chaste because they cannot trust themselves to have self-control. They know if they are left to their own devices they will engage in sexual activity because that’s what they would really prefer to do. It is like living through your own civil war. When people believe in chastity with an undivided heart, they don’t feel constrained or restricted. They are at peace with themselves and walk in freedom and victory. We all have limits on our self-control, and we need to set ourselves up for success by avoiding compromising situations; but chastity is much easier when someone truly desires it. God’s grace allows us to experience forgiveness and empowers us to stay pure. This desire to wait for marriage motivates young people to stay true to a commitment for chastity.

PURITY OF MIND

The human mind is very powerful. Our thoughts shape our understanding of reality. Our thoughts also nurture our desires and values. Eventually our thoughts come out in our words and our behavior. That is why St. Paul places such an emphasis on the subject of our thoughts: Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise (Phil. 4:8). God created sex to be all of the aforementioned things. Within a marriage between a man and woman, sex can be true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. Yet people don’t often see sex that way. Sometimes I’ll have people ask, Why do you go into schools and tell students that sex is bad? This is a serious misconception. I don’t think sex is bad. I think sex is so good and so special that it is worth saving for marriage. It’s actually the world around us with its sexual messages and pornography that has twisted sex into something dirty and shameful. God never intended sex to be used that way. Purity of mind involves having a healthy and positive view of sexuality. When we understand God’s design for sex, we can associate sex with life, love, and holiness. When our understanding is colored by the inappropriate use of sex, then we associate sex with guilt, pain, and a lack of self-control.

Purity of mind is also essential in regulating our desires and being in control of ourselves. A statistic that is often repeated, but never sourced, is that teenage boys think about sex every nine seconds. I am rather skeptical of this number. First of all, how is that number determined? Do researchers equip boys with a clicker that they press every time they think about sex? Also, if that number were accurate, how would boys get anything done? Imagine a boy writing a math test, trying to concentrate, thinking Okay so 6 times 12, so I take the 6 and the 2 and . . . SEX! You see how that would get in the way? Still, the statistic raises an interesting point. Obviously the more people think about sex the more they are going to want to do it. It’s the same as dieting. If someone were on a diet, it wouldn’t be helpful for that person to be thinking about chocolate cake every nine seconds. Most likely, he or she would go home and have some chocolate cake. Therefore a pure mind will facilitate sexual self-control.

How much people think about sex probably depends on their exposure to sexual images. We are inundated with sexual images in our culture. Once we let an image through the gateway of our eyes, it is in our minds forever. It is impossible to un-see something. That is why it is so important to shield oneself from graphic depictions of sex in the media. It is not only the images we need to avoid but the messages as well. Perhaps parents ensure their children don’t see movies with a rating over PG, but they allow them to watch TV because the content is more regulated. However, even if those children aren’t exposed to sexual images, they are still being exposed to messages about sex. Most TV shows feature characters that are unmarried and sexually active. Even if children don’t see the sex, they still know it is happening, and they are left with the consistent message that sex before marriage is normal and expected. This message, repeated over and over again, can shape children’s attitudes and values about sex as they grow up. That is why St. Paul admonishes us, Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will (Rom. 12:2, NIV).

PURITY OF LANGUAGE

How we speak about sex is also important. Our words should accurately represent our sexual values. If we believe sex is sacred, then we should speak about it reverently. This reverence involves refraining from vulgarity and inappropriate sexual humor. As Jesus said, What you say flows from what is in your heart (Luke 6:45). I understand that sex can be an uncomfortable and awkward topic for people and humor often breaks the ice and puts people at ease. I use humor in my presentations frequently, but not in a way that demeans sexuality or diminishes its significance.

One of Teen-Aid’s policies is to model appropriate terminology when talking about the reproductive system and sexual activity. Students are often more familiar with the slang terms, and I don’t reprimand them for using those words but I don’t use them myself. Using the proper words increases respect for human bodies and sexuality. One slang term that really bothers me is when people refer to the reproductive organs as junk. For example: I don’t like public showers because then everyone can see my junk. The word junk demeans the value of the reproductive system. The human reproductive system is not junk; it is an intricately designed structure that brings forth life. The more respect people have for their bodies, the more respect they will have for themselves. I find it amazing that as sexual humor becomes cruder, young people are becoming more ashamed of their reproductive organs. The slang words describing the reproductive