Yellow Book, The: A Parent's Guide to Sexuality Education
By TARSHI
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Yellow Book, The - TARSHI
TARSHI
Ramesh, age 12, asks, Mummy, what is a sanitary pad?
Mummy responds What foolish questions you ask, Ramesh!
What is sex?
asks eight-year-old Saira. Her progressive mum settles herself down and proceeds to tell Saira. After about five minutes, Saira becoming increasingly fidgety and distracted, hops up and down, and says, All that is ok, but what do I write on the form that swimming teacher gave me? Here, below my name, what do I write?
Two mothers, two different responses. It could equally well be two fathers and two different responses.
Let’s get one thing out of the way right at the beginning. It is not easy to talk with kids about sex and to know what to tell them. Adults devise all kinds of strategies to avoid it: steering the conversation in a different direction; looking stern or vacant and generally unapproachable; leaving the room in a hurry if something remotely ‘sexual’ appears on TV or making a silly joke about it. Maybe you have used some such avoidance tactics or have come up with other really creative ones. Now you don’t need to anymore.
You may be a parent or a teacher wondering how to talk to a young person about sexuality. You may be familiar with the following thoughts:
* What do I say now that my child is growing up?
* How much do I tell?
* How do I say it?
* What if this encourages experimentation?
* Will all this information harm my kids instead of protecting them? They are still children after all…
* What if my information is incorrect? Where can I get accurate information or where can I refer them to for correct information?
* What age is appropriate for what kind of information?
* What if they stop respecting me? Will they think that I am strange to be talking about these things?
* What might they tell their friends?
* Will this information rob them of their innocence?
This book gives you answers to your questions, tells you about the main messages to give to your kids, gives you tips on how to talk with them and points you in the direction of other resources that you can also consult. Let’s get started.
WHY DO YOU NEED TO TALK WITH YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEXUALITY AT ALL?
Gone are the days when we could act like ostriches and not talk about sex and sexuality with our children, hoping that they find the answers on their own. In today’s world, sexuality is all around us. It is used to sell everything from soap to serials (and cereals, as well). Children are also exposed to these images and information. Your favourite newspaper, magazines, TV programmes and movies all probably have images, words, and concepts that are related to sexuality.
Today’s youngsters face age-old concerns while growing up – about changes in their bodies, forbidden feelings, attraction to others, curiosity about sex and reproduction etc. They are also bombarded with mixed messages from beauty pageants, lingerie advertisements, the sex and violence of computer games, the saas-bahu serials on Indian satellite television, and the celebration of elaborate weddings, festivals and other rituals. While a lot of it is interesting and entertaining, there is much out there that can be confusing and contradictory. There is a lot for them to process and figure out.
How long can you hope or pretend that your kids have not noticed these messages and images and are not curious about them? They have probably already come to their own conclusions – crafted with the equally half-baked ideas of their friends – about what they might mean. It’s amazing how often, when dealing with things we don’t really understand, we add 2+2 and arrive at 22!
Young people today know a lot but they also need accurate, matter-of-fact information on sex and sexuality as well as the skills to be able to lead safe and happy lives now and in the future. Usually, the information they get is bitty and incomplete, further confusing curious young minds. Comprehensive, age-appropriate sexuality education would go a long way in helping young people negotiate safer lives for themselves as well as inculcating a sense of respect for others and their rights.
This book gives you a map to navigate the complicated terrain of sexuality education with young people. Each child is unique and has unique concerns; no book can address all of them. What this book does is to offer you basic information and simple ideas you can use to discuss these issues with the children in your care, be they your own kids or your students or other kids.
Adults often argue, Why do children need sexuality education? We never got it and we turned out fine, didn’t we?
Here’s something to think about for those of you who feel this way:
When did you first learn about sex?
Was the information adequate and timely?
Think back and recall. If you had received simple, clear and concise information around sexuality and the innumerable questions you had, would your life have been easier and less confusing while you were growing up?
WHO IS THIS BOOK FOR?
This book is for parents, teachers and other caring adults who:
* Are unsure whether sexuality education is necessary for young people today.
* Believe it is important but do not know who should provide this information and when to provide it.
* Want to provide sexuality education to their students or children but do not know how to go about it.
* Are providing sexuality education but are not sure if they are on the right track.
It is quite likely that you might feel embarrassed talking about sexuality, especially if you have not done it before. The important thing is to be open with young people so as to encourage them to ask questions and discuss their concerns freely.
At TARSHI, we believe that providing holistic and comprehensive information is not the responsibility of only one individual. Young people meet, interact with and are influenced by various people at different stages of their lives. It is their collective responsibility to ‘pitch in’ and provide information, messages and skills for young people.
The TARSHI helpline has had calls from children as young as 12, though the majority of calls come from people between 18 and 35. Questions asked by young callers reflect a lack of information and many myths and fears around sexuality issues. In one instance in the early years of the helpline (in the late 1990s), a group of students called the helpline wanting us to teach them the anatomy and physiology of the reproductive system over the phone because, they explained, The teacher did not do it properly and we have our final exam tomorrow.
So earnest were they in their desire to learn that they collected in a group at one student’s home, requested permission to switch on the speaker phone and then proceeded to read out from their textbook the sections that they wanted explained. Clearly, the demand for information on sexuality was not and still is not being met adequately as we have heard during interactions with students.
Sexuality education cannot be a one-off lecture about the ‘birds and bees.’ It needs to be an on-going conversation about values, attitudes, issues, rights and responsibilities, alongside providing information. What sort of values do you want your child to grow up with? Wouldn’t you rather they got them from you than from someone else?
Your role as a parent or teacher may change over time. In the initial years of a child’s life very often the family is the main source of information and ideas. As they start going to school, teachers and peers also enter their sphere of influence. The media also begins to play a bigger role in their level of knowledge of issues. This does not mean that once children start going to school all their questions about sexuality and relationships will be answered. Even if the school has a sexuality education curriculum in place, this is usually just one piece of the jigsaw puzzle. At school, there are limitations of time and space and all queries may not be addressed. Out of school, youngsters also get information from the community, their peers and the media.
The role of parents, older relatives, siblings and community workers continues to be important even if young people begin receiving formal sexuality education in school. Who imparts this education, what this teacher’s comfort level is with issues of sexuality and what attitudes the teacher holds are also of great significance.
WHO ARE WE? HOW DO WE KNOW WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT? WHY SHOULD YOU BELIEVE US?
TARSHI stands for Talking About Reproductive and Sexual Health Issues. It is a non-profit organisation – that means that whatever money we get goes into running our programmes. The TARSHI phone helpline was set up in 1996 to provide information, counselling and referrals on sexuality and sexual and reproductive health to people so that they could make wiser choices. We are based in New Delhi, India and are registered under the Societies Registration Act since 1997. The helpline has responded to over 60,000 calls.
We have been talking to people about sexuality for more than 13 years. Many of them have been young people with many questions, doubts and fears. And many have been older people who have made unwise decisions because