Deeply Touched Inside: Making Love with a Real Person

By Aron Gersh

This book is an encouragement to put love and sex together in an intimate, ongoing relationship. In a world soaked in porn and fantasy, there is a tendency for people to treat each other as “sex objects” outside of who you are “as persons”. I consider that this book is an anti-porn book, because it encourages making love to a real person, and getting that right.
What happens before sex, and what is anticipated to happen after sex, in all the areas of a relationship which have nothing to do with sex, has a profound effect on one’s experience within sex. That is to say, who you, and your lover are “as persons” has a profound effect, for good or bad, on your sexual experience. The person who “turns you off as a person” is likely to turn you off sexually. But when you are “turned on by your lover as a person” there will be a far better possibility of being turned on sexually in the best way possible.
This book then describes in short easy poetry, some ways in which we are relating to each other outside of sex and suggests how that affects us within sex. The specific way in which I describe what happens outside of sex, is as if it is like the sex life (the original subtitle of this book was “metaphors of sex and love”).
Let me give an example, using a model of heterosexual sex. In order for sex to happen, the male organ cannot be shy and limp and scared to “come out of itself. It needs to confidently present itself, stand erect and move forward towards the female vagina. Similarly, for sex to happen, for the most stimulating connection to take place, the female vagina must have prepared a space inside that is warm, smooth, adequately enterable with the right level of male thrusting.
Now imagine one’s relationship outside of sex, in the non-sexual area, as if it were like this (Irrespective of what biological gender you are or what gender you identify with). As a person, you have to come forward confidently, present one’s self, stand “erect” and move forwards toward the object of your attraction, if you wish to make a real and stimulating connection. Similarly, if the other wants to receive you, “let you in”, they have to have the openness, the readiness to receive you.
It is suggested in this book that when the most exciting and stimulating encounters between you take place outside of sex, and that spills over into sexual excitement, that that is the best sex possible. This can only happen with a real person, because in porn and fantasy sex nothing at all happens outside of the sex act. Your fantasy lovers just come for sex and evaporate right after sex. You have no relationship with them “as persons” outside of the sexual life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Aron Gersh
• Release date: Jan 27, 2020
• ISBN: 9780951611784

Aron Gersh

I have been involved in psychology for 45 years now. My studies spanned both South Africa and London (at an American University that functioned there for 10 years, Antioch, Yellow Springs, Ohio — a very creative, and respected, alternative university). Training too as a psychotherapist there, I worked as one for 8 years. I was involved with England's top personal growth centre, Quaesitor, for the last 2 years before its closing in 1978. At Quaesitor I did endless forms of group training . . . in the healing of emotional pains, and towards personal growing as a human being, in all ways. I call myself a Humanistic Psychologist, and that includes some orientation towards the theories, but not the practices, of psychoanalysis. I ran England's top personal growth magazine at that time (1988 -1995) as editor and almost everything else. It was called Human Potential Magazine.In 2001 I was involved in bringing to South Africa The Mankind Project, an organisation dedicated to Men's Issues, to men sharing from their hearts, etc. The first training happened the weekend before the 9/11 Twin Towers disaster, when 40 men went through a challenging weekend about all aspects of "male psychology". This project has grown more than 40 fold since then.The book is based on deep psychological theory of how we relive the past in the present. I live both in South Africa and in London and am a proud dual citizen of both countries. In 1999 I cycled from the west coast to the east coast of America in 26 days but such cycle-ogical information is not really relevant to this book, though, like the art of loving, it required discipline, courage and patience to achieve that. Generally a content person, I carry a belief that there need be no shortages of love in our lives, if we learn to love others as best as we can.

Book preview

FOREWORD

THIS BOOK IS A SEX MANUAL

(THOUGH IT IS MORE THAN JUST A SEX MANUAL)

This book is meant to be referred to when you need help understanding aspects of your intimate relationships. It might enable you to understand some of the feelings you experience when you have sex (though it tries to help you understand feelings outside of the sexual aspect of your close relationships and their relationship to your sex life).As such this book is meant to be a sex manual (albeit a very unusual one) just like the many others written on sex

The answer is simple:

Humans have been able to think creatively and philosophically long before they understood much about the brain.

Humans are able to speak without knowing much about the anatomy of the breath and larynx.

Humans are able to walk without knowing much about the nervous system and muscular-skeletal system.

Knowledge about the way the body works in all of the above cases does not contribute much to our abilities to do all these things.

Similarly, we have been having sex and falling in love for millennia. Scientific knowledge has been shown how love affects the chemicals in the body, but this has done nothing to make us better lovers, better able to love.

The same applies to sex. We now know much these days about the physiology, chemistry and general workings of the sex organs but this knowledge has not helped us a great deal in understanding how sex works at the human level. It has not made us sexier creatures (nor less sexy, thank god). And I doubt that it ever will.

CONTENTS

FOREWORD

INTRODUCTORY NOTE

WHAT THIS BOOK IS ABOUT

— Sex and the non-Sexual

— describing intimacy in metaphors

— male and female ways of being

— many genders

— sexual fantasy versus sex within the context of an intimate relationship

FANTASY, PORNOGRAPHY, AND MAKING LOVE TO A REAL PERSON

— What makes this book an anti-porn book

A NOTE ABOUT THE PAINTINGS

METAPHORS FROM THE SEX LIFE:

You touch me deeply inside

Having intercourse with you

Being potent (or impotent) with you

I am open to receive you

I am open to give to you

I am with you

I am drawn towards you

You reach out to me

I am taken by you

I want to be naked with you

I am excited by you

Mutual orgasm

We have something in common

I am pregnant with your baby

I embrace you

OTHER METAPHORS

(not from the sex life)

I Have A Lot Of Time For You

I want to be fully Engaged With You

Are my words Empty Words or full words?

BETWEEN YOU AND ME

Outside of sex, in the non-sexual domain

Our special relationship

Flagging love; waning feelings

Being in touch again

SEX AT IT’S BEST

MORE ABOUT THIS BOOK

When can we say sex has begun?

Non-sexual communication can arouse us sexually

A challenge to the popular sex manuals

A RECAP OF THE NON-SEXUAL AS BACKDROP TO THE SEXUAL

WHAT THIS BOOK IS NOT ABOUT

OTHER BOOKS BY THIS AUTHOR

INTRODUCTORY NOTE

What happens

Between you and me

Before sex

Lives on, during sex.

Long before we have touched each other on the skin

We have touched each other inside.

The atmosphere between us

Outside of sex

Deeply affects the way I experience you

Within sex.

Therefore, to understand what happens to me

During sex with you,

I need to understand what feelings

I am carrying inside me

About you

From before sex,

From outside sex,

From the non-sexual realm.

My feelings about you from before sex

Will not just vanish during sex.

Sex may mostly help me forget my emotions and feelings

But they subtly influence me

When we make love.

So, if I want to enhance and deepen the quality of my sexual experience

I may need to look at the way I relate to you

Outside of the sex act,

In the non-sexual realm.

But how shall I describe,

To myself and to you,

How things are between us,

In the non-sexually oriented areas of our lives?

Sometimes I think that while having sex

I would like to lose myself completely.

I’d like the feeling that the world,

And my own self,

Goes away — evaporating in an orgasmic explosion.

But I find that mostly I cannot lose myself in sex —

I cannot make the world go away.

Instead, my world, and my self

Seem to come with me into sex.

They get carried along into the sex act.

If this is so,

That I have to take myself,

And my world

Into the sex act,

Then I might as well try to take a happy me,

A me contented with my world.

In fact,

I may be able to take

Not just a happier self

But