Not Looking for Love: Episode Three: Not Looking for Love, #3

By Lena Bourne

Episode Three of the Not Looking for Love series. For the full enjoyment of the series please start with Not Looking for Love Episode One, as this is an ongoing series. 

Secrets have a way of messing everything up.

Very little made sense in Gail's life before, and now nothing does. She's not even sure how to begin picking up the pieces of her life, let alone start putting them back together. But perhaps things just need to get worse before they get better, right? Or wrong.

Intended for mature audiences.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lena Bourne
• Release date: Jan 4, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393720751

Lena Bourne

About the Author: Lena Bourne writes stories about independent and smart women who mean everything to the strong men they love. If you're looking for deep emotions, hot bedroom scenes, and some suspense thrown in, look no further than her books. Connect with Lena: www.lenabourne.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lenabourneauthorTwitter: https://twitter.com/Lena_Bourne

Book preview

Chapter One

I wake up at dawn, shivering from the cold, grey light of dawn streaming in through the roof window. My bones feel frozen and my fingers are numb as I press the button of my phone to wake it. But the screen remains black, my reflection staring back at me.

What if Scott snuck by me while I slept? Lunging to my feet, I almost topple down the stairs because my legs are so stiff. I would’ve heard him come in, I’m sure of it, but my hope is stronger. I bang on the door, calling his name, my shrill, broken voice echoing in the silent stairwell.

There’s no reply, no movement on the other side of the door.

Scott wouldn’t have left me to sit out in the hallway all night, if he saw me here. I’m sure of that too.

His cat is meowing wildly upstairs, scratching at the attic door. The hallway is twirling around me, and the door is a blur since I’m looking at it through a sheet of tears. But I can’t stop knocking, and I can’t stop crying. There’s no rational Gail inside my mind anymore, no voice of reason. All that’s left is this crazy Gail who thought things were finally beginning to get better. Only now, I’m drowning in the raging black waves, swallowed by the abyss, and I can’t even breathe, let alone stop crying.

I used to have a car charger, I suddenly remember, already running down the stairs and through the front door. The cold grips me like a vice as soon as I exit into the alleyway, but I’m half frozen anyway, so I’m already one with it.

The street is deserted because it’s Sunday, or maybe because the whole world is standing still. Inside the car, I dig through the glove compartment, sending the contents toppling to the floor, not caring where they land. All the way in the back I finally find my charger, and the grin spreading across my face must look like someone cut my face open.

I plug it in, my legs shaking as I wait for the screen to turn on. I have two texts and a voice mail, and my heart is twisting from beating so fast. Warmth is spreading through my chest so fast I can actually hear the ice crackling as it melts.

But all the messages are from Phillipa. I should’ve called her, should’ve let her know I wasn’t coming to her party. She sounded so worried on the voice mail she left, like she was sure something bad happened to me, and I can’t believe I ruined her birthday party. Only, something bad did happen.

I dial Scott’s number. It rings for a long time. During each silence between the rings I hold my breath, so sure he’ll pick up and tell me all he said was just a joke. I can see him now, a crooked smile playing on his lips, and his eyes shining with a light brighter than the sun telling me all will be alright.

Only he doesn’t pick up, and I press End Call before his voice mail message comes on, because the raging black waves are in my mouth now, and I can’t swim, can’t breathe.

When are you coming home? I text, because I have to do something, have to reach out to him, make him reach back, or I will drown.

I stare at the screen, waiting, not breathing. My phone’s the only thing I see, the only thing that exists in the whole world.

I’m not. He finally texts back and I exhale.

Why?

Because you’re there. Just go, Gail.

I whimper, fresh tears filling my eyes. Because I know how cold he would sound if he spoke the words, how black and empty his eyes would be, must be, right now as he’s typing this.

Can we talk?

No. The reply comes a split second after I press send.

Why?

I stare at the phone so hard it’s like the screen is sucking me in, but there’s no reply. I’m sobbing so loudly I’m sure people in the houses lining the street all hear me, and maybe they do, but no one comes out. The world’s dark like the blackest night now, as blank as the screen of my phone.

He wants me to leave. I knew he didn’t want me back in the first place, I knew it all along.

A shred of pride wakes in my mind, speaks with my mom’s voice as she tells me to stop acting crazy and drive away. It’s the only reason I shift into drive. If my mom thinks it’s for the best then it must be.

I remember nothing of the drive back to Connecticut. The house is stuffy and silent when I enter, the only sound the humming of the fridge. My bladder is twisted in pain, I have to pee so badly, but I couldn’t stop on the way, because then I’d just turn right back.

After I take care of that, I take a scalding hot shower, but it’s not washing the pain away. The heat only adds to my anxiety today, until it’s bubbling in my stomach, constricting my lungs, filling them with a smokey mess until I can’t breathe. I turn off the shower when black dots start filling my vision, and the blood rushing through my ears sounds like the Niagara Falls.

I lie down on my bed, wrapped only in a towel, staring up at the ceiling, willing my heartbeat to return to normal. Only, it’s like the raging black sea is inside my blood, the waves crashing against me from inside, and I know I’ll never escape it now. My mom’s voice doesn’t come to comfort me this time. All I see are Scott’s cold black eyes; all I hear is his hollow toneless voice. Just go, Gail.

I pull the phone from my purse, and my fingers start typing, my mind powerless to stop them. If I can’t find an anchor I will float away.

I’m gone now. You can go home. I text, tears flowing down my face.

I know. He writes back a second later.

I’m already dialing his number, sure he’ll pick up now, certain he wants to talk to me too.

But he doesn’t pick up.

Stop calling.

I want to talk. It’s all so weird. I feel like we’re already talking. Like I’m looking at him and he’s looking at me standing in the living room of his small apartment. Any second now he’ll put his arms around me and I’ll cry for awhile, but I’ll feel better afterwards, and time will stand still and nothing will touch me, not my mom’s death, nor the murder of my child, because Scott’s holding me and nothing bad will ever happen again.

No. His text cuts through me like an axe. And the pain doesn’t stop.

Why?

It’s for the best.

How?

But there’s no reply. The phone is black and cold in my hand, like a river stone, licked smooth beyond recognition.

I climb under the covers still clutching my phone, still hoping he’ll change his mind and answer my calls. But all the calls go straight to voicemail now, and each time I hear his voice it’s like a million sharp needles stabbing at my heart. I finally brave it and listen to the whole thing, because I have to if I want to leave a message.

My voice is firm and steady as I tell him he’s being cruel, irrational and mean. But I also tell him how much I want him to call me back, and would he please just do it. But he doesn’t and I fall asleep waiting, because I can’t cry anymore, because I can hardly breathe, and the pain isn’t easing as the hours pass.

Chapter Two

Gail, are you OK? Phillipa’s voice wakes me. It’s dark outside and she’s shaking my shoulder. I rub my eyes, blinking up at her, my swollen eyes stinging from the cold.

What happened to you? Phillipa persists, and a fresh ball of tears forms in my throat.

I’m so sorry for missing your party, I croak. I should’ve called…should’ve come…

I can’t go on because I spent the whole night sitting in a cold stairwell, and I can’t tell her that. She’ll think I’ve gone insane. Only, maybe I have. Right now, I don’t even know if any of what Scott and me shared the last few weeks is real, or just a figment of my sick mind.

She’s just staring at me, probably because she’s waiting for a better excuse, but I have nothing. I sit up and pull the comforter all the way up to my chin.

She reaches over and turns on the light on my nightstand. Did something happen with that guy?

I nod, because speaking will just make me break out in sobs.

What? she asks, leaning over so her face is only inches from mine.

He…he broke up with me, I choke out, and watch the panic melt from her eyes, which only makes me sob harder. What did she think? That he hurt me?

She sighs and slips off her shoes, then pulls her feet onto the bed, sitting cross-legged across from me. Do you want to talk about it?

I’m staring at her with my eyes wide open, hoping that will keep the tears away. Saying anything will make it real, but if I don’t tell anyone it’s like nothing even happened.

He told me he doesn’t want to see me anymore, just like that, and I don’t even think he really meant it, at least it doesn’t feel like he really meant it. The words are tumbling from my mouth before my thoughts can catch up to what I’m saying. Maybe Phillipa will be able to make sense of them. We were having such a great time together, and even my mom dying wasn’t so painful when I was with him. Then he just told me to leave. Just like that. And he won’t even explain why.

Phillipa’s

Reviews for Not Looking for Love

[Kaye · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

ONE WILD ROLLERCOASTER RIDE!!!
Hook, line and sinker! Lena spreads it thin with this emotional whirlwind, ratcheting up the sorrow and looking for relief, bursting this gem into a tizzy with a life altering, mind-blowing culmination. A raging vortex chocked full of inexplicable circumstances and unbelievable events, fusing this baby together sleek, shiny and tight. Add drama, intrigue, turmoil, distress and mounting heartache along with a boatload of confusion, makes for one block busting adventure. Weaving a cocoon around you so intricately and tight, drawing you deeper into this tangled web until everything else ceases to exist. Highlighting impressive scenario's, that punch dead center, ramping up the zeal and delight with such intensity and precision, tempting our characters in ways they never saw coming. The characters are authentic and realistic with depth and qualities that transform into amazing personalities. The scenes are so abundantly detailed and descriptive to give you a full understanding and realism that balance and blend smoothly. Remarkable job Lena, thanks for sharing this bad boy with us.