Listen Well, Lead Better: Becoming the Leader People Want to Follow

By Steve Harling and Becky Harling

Why do so many leaders prioritize their speaking skills when communication studies show we spend more time listening than reading, writing, or speaking? The reality is, most people are below-average listeners, and it's keeping them and their team members from reaching their potential.

In Listen Well, Lead Better, Steve and Becky Harling share 10 practices that will help you be a more effective listener and leader. Learn how to ask better questions, make people feel heard and valued, and create an open and positive culture. Strong listeners also enjoy greater credibility, navigate conflicts better, and foster more engaged teams. Above all, the lessons here will help you hear from God more clearly and gain his wisdom on all matters in life. Becoming a better listener will transform how you lead and relate to everyone.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
• Release date: Jan 7, 2020
• ISBN: 9781493423002

Book preview

"Listen Well, Lead Better is a God-inspired book written by a God-inspired couple. Steve and Becky are passionate about real, authentic relationships with people they serve alongside, and this book will inspire and equip you to lead like Jesus."

—Evan Carlson, president, Family Life Radio

"If you lead anyone, this motivating, practical, and biblical book will show you how to be a listening leader who builds and blesses others all while moving the organization forward in a healthy way."

—Pam and Bill Farrel, international speakers; authors of 48 books, including the bestselling Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti; and co-directors, Love-Wise Ministries

If you truly want to be a better leader, move this book to the TOP of your list. It’s guaranteed not only to grow you as a leader—it will grow you as a person.

—Ron Forseth, founding executive editor, ChurchLeaders.com

I’ve known Steve and Becky Harling for years, and I’ve watched them walk through good times and very challenging times in leadership. They are leaders of integrity who are intentional to listen well so that they might lead more effectively.

—Dr. Jim Garlow, lifelong pastor; CEO, Well Versed

If you want to grow, if you want to lead effectively, this book will provide you with the necessary secret. Steve and Becky lead readers through thought-provoking stories and self-reflective questions to become the listening leaders that others want to follow.

—Greg and Julie Gorman, founders, Married for a Purpose

Steve and Becky Harling are the real deal, and these pages deliver an authentic invitation into leadership that is communal, not just institutional.

—Matt Heard, lead pastor, Northland Church; founder, THRIVE

The Harlings have written an immensely practical guidebook for caring, listening, and self-aware leadership. Get equipped to reach your destination with an intact and healthy team.

—Daniel Henderson, founder/president, Strategic Renewal

This book is chock-full of practical advice on how to listen better, such as great questions to ask, which is so important to listening well.

—Bruce Johnson, president, SIM USA

This book provides wisdom, insight, and practical tools to shape vision and influence people in a Jesus-hearted way. You’ll get valuable help for every rung of the leadership ladder.

—Carol Kent, executive director, Speak Up Ministries; author, Speak Up with Confidence

"Listen Well, Lead Better is packed with ear-opening insights that will help you increase self-awareness and engage those you lead and love at a deeper level of soul. Lean in and listen to what these communication experts have to say!"

—Tim Lucas, founder and lead pastor, Liquid Church; author, Liquid Church: 6 Powerful Currents to Saturate Your City for Christ

Steve and Becky provide leaders with the tools they need to establish trust, increase discernment, and communicate effectively. By applying the techniques Steve and Becky share, leaders who read this book will certainly broaden their spheres of influence.

—Ellie Nieves, president and CEO, Leadership Strategies for Women

Steve and Becky’s honesty and transparency in sharing successes and failures is valuable, and entertaining! Their practical tips and questions make it easy to implement healthy practices immediately.

—Kim and Bob Westfall, founders, Uncaged/Westfall Gold

With refreshing transparency, the Harlings provide a practical tool that revives what appears to be a lost art in leadership—good listening. If you are serious about leading, this book is an excellent place to start.

—Rick Whitted, speaker; workplace consultant; and author, Outgrow Your Space at Work

© 2020 by Rebecca Harling and Stephen Harling

Published by Bethany House Publishers

11400 Hampshire Avenue South

Bloomington, Minnesota 55438

www.bethanyhouse.com

Bethany House Publishers is a division of

Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan

www.bakerpublishinggroup.com

Ebook edition created 2020

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-4934-2300-2

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

Scripture quotations labeled NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Cover design by LOOK Design Studio

Authors represented by The Blythe Daniels Agency

This book is dedicated to our son,

Josiah Harling (JJ).

JJ, what a joy for us to watch you grow up to become an incredible leader

who empowers others by listening to their hearts.

We’re so very proud of you.

Mom and Dad

Contents

Cover    1

Endorsements    2

Half Title Page    4

Title Page    5

Copyright Page    6

Dedication    7

1. The Missing Ingredient to Greater Influence    11

2. Become Self-Aware, Not Self-Obsessed    25

3. Know Your People    39

4. Give the Gifts of Trust and Empowerment    57

5. Discern Hidden Values    75

6. Invite Others to Help Shape Vision    95

7. Engage Conflict Constructively    113

8. Look for Truth in Criticism    131

9. Listen and Collect Stories    145

10. Create Sacred Space to Reflect and Listen to God    159

Acknowledgments    177

Notes    181

Back Ad    187

Back Cover    188

1

The Missing Ingredient to Greater Influence

Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding.

—Proverbs 2:2 NLT

Many leaders are missing one of the most essential ingredients to greater influence. They might be great visionaries, super implementers, and profound orators, but if they don’t listen well, they’re leading beneath their potential. I (Steve) know this all too well.

I became a pastor right out of college, leading a little turn-of-the-century church in a farming community. The church building wasn’t impressive, but we had good people.

I loved that church and was loved by the people. I was eager to lead it well. I went to every pastor’s conference I could afford. I learned the guiding principles of church growth. I started to get noticed, and doors were opened over the ensuing years to lead other larger churches. Eventually, I was invited to become the lead pastor of a megachurch with scores of staff and hundreds of ministries.

Within weeks of my new appointment, I’d articulated a big vision featuring a $30 million expansion plan to accommodate seven thousand worshipers every weekend. Brimming with confidence and passionate about my vision, I didn’t have time to waste. I figured that everyone would fall in line behind my leadership like rookies at basic training. Didn’t happen.

While the early adopters were with me, the rest of the leadership was left in the dust . . . including the chairman of the elder board. He and I lived on different planets. Our ideas about worship, teaching, and leadership were light-years apart. I was a visionary flying at forty thousand feet. I considered him an analytical bean counter lost in the weeds. I didn’t understand him. I didn’t understand the people who supported him. I’m sad to say that I didn’t care to understand them. I was called by God. As far as I was concerned, they needed to line up behind the vision of God’s anointed (me). They didn’t.

Our private feud went public. It was Outwit. Outlast. Outplay. I became more entrenched in my views. They became more entrenched in theirs. Two years into our titanic battle for control of the church, the board of elders had had enough. Both of us were put out to pasture.

Looking back, I wish I’d handled things differently. If I’d listened, I could have defused the conflict. If I’d listened, I could have established trust with the congregation. If I’d listened, I could have built ownership around the vision. Sometimes our greatest mistakes become our greatest learnings.

I am blessed today to run Reach Beyond, a global missions agency with staff and partners scattered around the world. When I first stepped in as the CEO, Becky and I made the strategic decision that we would lead by listening. In our first year, we visited every part of the world where our people serve. We asked lots of questions and did a lot of listening. Those meetings were invaluable. They helped us get branded and bonded to the organization, and they provided us with the relational insight that we needed to chart a new course.

All those trips and meetings also made something else very clear to us: We can’t possibly anticipate every situation and detail. To lead to our fullest potential, we’ve had to fine-tune our listening skills and develop some new habits.

Like Steve, I (Becky) have had some hard-earned leadership lessons through the years. At one church, I felt confident about my vision for our small-groups ministry. We had assembled an implementation team, but my ideas were getting pushback from one particular member of the team. I would walk away from meetings thinking, I want to quit! I’m not doing a good job. She doesn’t see my vision. I need to communicate it more clearly!

In my mind, I wasn’t being compelling enough, so I would gather more information and prepare my arguments for the next meeting. The problem with that? I had forgotten a well-accepted observation: 80 percent of good communication involves listening.

Finally, I sought some advice from a friend on the team, someone who was an executive in a large company. She listened attentively as I expressed my frustration until I finally asked, How am I coming across? I’ll never forget her response. She first shared her view that my so-called adversary was an external processor. What I saw as combative was merely a person trying to figure out her feelings by processing out loud. Finally, my friend said, When she processes, and you get tense, you talk more instead of listening and drawing her out. As a result, you come off a bit insecure and defensive. Ouch!

My friend was exactly right. I have to admit that I was insecure in my leadership in those days. Whenever I felt insecure, I shut down and withdrew, became defensive, or came on too strong to prove my point. God began to whisper in my ear that He had plans to use me as a leader, but that in order for Him to use me I needed to learn to listen. I wanted others to follow, but I didn’t understand that in order for them to feel motivated to follow, they needed to feel heard.

About fifteen years ago I got serious about my listening skills and began intentionally working on them. I became certified through the John Maxwell Team as a leadership coach. I learned how important it is to listen attentively, to ask great questions, and to offer others value by being fully present. As my listening skills grew, so did my influence.

The expanse of your leadership platform is directly linked to how well you listen. No one wants to follow someone who won’t listen to others. The truth is, many leaders have lost their credibility because they haven’t put any effort into their listening skills. Once credibility is lost, it’s mighty hard to regain. The key to building loyal, empowered, and engaged