Never See Me Again

By Kelly Aimes

Sarah Hamilton it not like other girls in some ways she cannot change. But, in most ways, she is exactly like other girls. Her father removed her from her Amish upbringing suddenly at age twelve for reasons she doesn't quite understand. Now she is an an outcast at her local highschool, save for one close friend who understands her completely. As her body changes and develops, there are a lot of things going on that she doesn't understand. The one thing she does understand, however, is that she wants to be just like everybody else. She wants a boyfriend, and she wants to go to dances. She isn't afraid to swim in the deep waters of her changing circumstances if these trials can deliver her the changes she is seeking. Unfortunately for Sarah, some waters run so deep that they are dangerous. Sometimes change is sudden and unexpected. Sometimes it catches up with you too quickly. At a yearly party that Sarah has been looking forward to for a long time, she's about to confront the danger that always lurks when change happens without awareness. She's about to find out who she is, where she came from, and whether or not she can survive on her own…

"She knew who she was and what she wanted. She wanted to date, have a boyfriend, hold hands, and do more than hold hands. She wanted to grow up and do dangerous things that were embarrassing, but enjoyable, and always, always worth it."

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kelly Aimes
• Release date: Jul 23, 2019
• ISBN: 9781393699996

Book preview

I spent the entire summer starving myself so that I could look good in my swimsuit, so I guess it's only fitting that I should die in it. Once I was out so far that I couldn't even tell which direction the shore was in, I had plenty of time to think about the decisions I made. It's funny. Before I never thought about where I might end up, about how none of the things I was worried about were going to matter. Now it's all I can think about.

***

I. Dan Turner's Ultimate Butt Workout

I used to worry a lot. I spent most of that labor day weekend worrying. When I wasn't worried about how I would look from behind in the swimsuit I had picked out, I was worried about the weather. There hadn't been any rain in the forecast, but I never quite felt certain that we were going to get the sunny skies we had been promised. Labor Day meant a lot of things to me, and I didn't want anything to ruin it.

I was going to meet Jessie at the beach. All the girls would be there, including the ones that Jessie told me she hated. I didn't care. The boys were going to be there, too. I told myself that one of them would notice me. That's how it would start. He'd ask me out, we'd go on a few dates, and then I'd have a boyfriend. A boyfriend who would take me to the homecoming dance. It wouldn't be like last year.

I sat down at the machine and turned it on, just to check the weather once more. Jessie makes fun of me for calling it that, a machine. That's what it is to me. It's connected to a bunch of other machines, and that's how we get our information nowadays. For me, it's very strange. I was raised without devices that needed to be plugged in. I used to tell people, I was born a Mennonite. Most of them didn't know what that was.

Jessie was one of the few people who got it. I think that's why we became such good friends. Wait a second, she said on the first day we met, so you're, like, Amish? I told her that I used to be.

The truth is, I don't know why I'm not Amish anymore. My dad and my mom sat me down when I was twelve and explained to me that we were leaving the community. The next week, we moved from Sarasota to Bradenton, which is the next town over. It was strange. Jessie used a word once, and I think it describes what it felt like pretty well: surreal. That's what it was, like I knew it was real, but it felt like it wasn't really happening.

The forecast still said temperatures in the 70's and sunny. To be honest, it didn't make me feel much better. Weather is always unpredictable. It can change on you in minutes. I had wanted to debut my new swimsuit, and the work I had put into filling it out, during the Fourth of July party at Lido Beach. But it rained the entire day, and Jessie told me her dad wouldn't let her go to the beach if it was raining. She told me he was being overprotective. I tried to tell her that he loved her very much, and that he was probably worried that she would get struck by lightning or something. She told me that there was no way that would happen, and said, You've got a lot to learn. I suppose she's right in a way.

I shut down the machine and turned on the TV. I didn't take me long before I had my favorite—well, my only—DVD in the other machine that plays them. I was lying flat on the floor, wondering if it was as safe to take my pants off. It would be easier if I did, but once my Dad caught me, and it was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. Sarah Jane, what are you doing! he screamed. Then he saw Dan Turner's smiling face and figured it out. He's big on modesty, so I just do the workout fully clothed now. Jessie told me I could buy special pants that would make it easier to do the exercises. I told her my dad would never let me. So she told me to just wear a bathing suit, but I'm pretty sure that wouldn't go over very well, either. He doesn't know about the bikini I bought in May. When I leave the house, he'll see me in my one-piece, and that will be that. I don't feel very good about it. Lying is a sin, after all. I'm only letting myself do it because I know I'm not perfect, and I'm prepared if God makes me suffer because of my actions.

I can't help but smile as I glance at the cover of the DVD. It says, Dan Turner's Ultimate Butt System in large, cartoonish red letters. Below that, it says, Get the butt you've always wanted...get the butt you deserve! Dan's smiling face graces the cover. And it has a small close-up picture of him turned around, where you can see that his hindquarters have a nice shape and what he calls good definition. Sometimes I glance behind myself to see how well his system has been working. It's hard to tell. Jessie gave me the DVD and told me that I needed to make sure I went on a diet along with doing the exercises.

I put the DVD in the player and hit the button to start the workout. And I see Dan Turner, standing and smiling in his workout clothes. I know that he's going to talk for about five minutes before starting the workout. I've almost memorized his introduction word-for-word. It would be easy for me to skip ahead to the part where he demonstrates how to warm up properly, but I can't bring myself to do it.

Ladies, Dan Turner flashes his killer smile, there's a war going on out there. And then he pauses for dramatic effect. There's a war over who you are, what you can have in life, and what you should look like. Another killer smile. I don't know why, but I'm smiling now. I know what he's going to say next, but I feel some suspense building. My body tingles all over. So isn't it time you started fighting back?

I know this is stupid, but I started nodding my head.

How long has it been since a man has looked at you and seen you for what you truly are? How many times has your body got in the way, keeping you from enjoying yourself, keeping you from getting the respect you deserve? Well, I'm here to tell you some good news: it all ends today. I am here to prepare you to unlock your full potential. You're going to teach your body who's in charge. And, if you have the persistence that it takes, you are finally going to feel good about yourself.

It all sounded so perfect...almost too good to be true. But I believed him. I believed every single word. Before I knew it, I was doing the exercises. I felt the discomfort in my hips—what Dan Turner calls the burn. I can feel myself taking a more pleasing shape. I know it's working.

Minutes pass like seconds. I'm in the zone. I hear my father yelling at me from upstairs, and only then do I realize that the downstairs phone had been ringing for a long time before my dad answered it. I pick up the receiver, trying to divide my attention between whoever is calling and Dan Turner. It's Jessie.

She tells me that she'll be by to pick me up in a half an hour and reminds me not to forget the bikini I plan on changing into. Then she tells me that she hopes I've been doing Dan Turner—this is what she calls watching the workout video and performing the exercises. I tell her I'm doing him right now. For some reason, this makes her laugh.

After I hang up, I double down on the intensity of my workout, performing each squat, thrust, and power move with extra force, until the burn moves from my hips to my entire body. It hurts so bad that I can barely think, but it makes me feel incredibly good about myself.

Dan Turner says that everybody thinks women are weak. He says that's not true. They give birth to babies, and childbirth is one of the most painful things you can endure. I start to wonder if I'll give birth someday. I'm confident that, if I do, Dan Turner has prepared me for the pain of it all. He has a saying, and he keeps repeating it throughout the video: Master your pain, master your fear! Make them fear you! Feel the burn! I'm not quite sure what it all means, but I take comfort from the fact that my body feels like it's on fire.

And I'm getting results, too. Last week, I modeled my bikini for Jessie. She told me that all she could say was Damn! I told her that I didn't really approve of that kind of language, but I appreciated the compliment, just the same.

One time Jessie asked me to let her see if the work out was working. This was way back in March, and I had only been doing it for a few weeks. She told me that she would be able to tell if I was getting any results even after such a short time, but, frankly, the idea embarrassed me. When I reminded her that I didn't even have my swimsuit yet, she said I could show her without the swimsuit. For some reason, I got really embarrassed. I don't know how I'm going to be able to let a boy look at me if I can't even let my best friend check me out. It's weird, but I'm modest. It's just the way God made me.

That reminds me of something. Before I got serious about getting a