The Final Girl Support Group's Annual Brownie Bake-Off and Other Stories

By David Macpherson

All the survivors of crazed serial killer attacks gather together to bake brownies. Anne Frank and Cain the First Murderer go to New York City art exhibits as a couple. Gregor Samsa is transformed into a Muppet. Charles Bukowski replaces Odin in a classic Norse myth. Adam and Eve run a seedy tattoo parlor. Doctor Moreau opens his very own bistro. 

These are some of the incidents in the stories before you. This brief collection of brief stories is funny, pointed and just a little off. They can make you laugh and also make you look behind your back.

• Language: English
• Publisher: David Macpherson
• Release date: May 27, 2019
• ISBN: 9781393158400

Book preview

Genesis Ink

The shop is called Genesis Ink. They answer the phone by saying, Thank you for calling Genesis Ink. In the beginning there was blank skin after the fall, there is art. How may I help you? They say this every call; it’s their thing.

Adam is the owner of record, but he never works the needle. That is not his skill set. Eve makes the creation myths here. With her shaved head and chewed fingernails, you just know you will put your fate in her.

You don’t get to pick what’s going on, you just show her the skin you want anointed and she closes her eyes and applies the stabbing kiss. I’m not going to lie to you. It hurts. It hurts hard. And she ain’t no speed queen. She is slow and plodding, like dogma.

When she puts down the needle you are near complete. Adam will then toss aside the cycle magazine he was reading and looks at what his wife brought on your flesh and name it.  That is called Sunset. That’s Turbulence Everlasting. Broken Love, That’s Lightning Strike. That, that is Max.  You pay Adam more for the naming than the ink.

And you forget how to leave. You sit in the front of the store and stare at the stars painted on the wall.

Near midnight, Eve flips pages of an old porno mag and says to her husband, He was here again. Came when you went to the bank. Your Old Man. Slamming the door open.  Sat himself in the chair. Pointed to his arm, the only blank skin left on him and he said make something perfect right there. He waited. I waited. He said anything pretty Eve, just not a snake or an olive branch. I guess that was your Old Man trying to be funny. He said I was one stubborn bitch. I told him thanks. He said I could sure hold a grudge. I told him I know. He swore at me and split. I can always out wait him.

Adam says nothing. He picks up the spray cleaner and makes everything in the shop hygienic and pure again.

Adam looks up at the clock and says, Midnight. All you pretty canvases need to get out of my store. This is how he politely kicks your ass out. On the curb, you feel nothing, not even the new ink on your arm. You feel nothing, but banished and free.

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4 out of 5 stars

The cabinets are awesome. The owner, Doctor Cal (that’s what you call him) gave a really low quote and an estimate of four days to finish the cabinets in my kitchen, and he made that quote. Can’t complain about that. The guy Doctor Cal had do the work was a little weird, sure, but how can I complain about these cabinets coming in on time and on budget?

3 out of 5 stars

I agree with the other reviewers, Doctor Cal came in on time and on what he estimated. I love the cabinets, but I think we had the same employee the others were talking about, the one Doctor Cal called Gary.