History According to the Bruva

By Oliver T. Spedding

HISTORY ACCORDING TO THE BRUVA is a collection of 40 biographies of well known historical figures told in American slang. The characters featured are:
ANTONIUS, Marcus - ARNOLD, Benedict - BARNUM, Phineas - BECKET, Thomas - BOTEV, Hristo - BOWIE, James - BRAILLE, Louis - BUONCOMPAGNI, Ugo - (Pope Gregory XIII) - CALMENT, Jeanne - CASTRO, Thomas - CROCKETT, Davy - CROMWELL, Oliver - CUFFEE, Paul - DE SANTA ANNA, Antonio Lopez - DE VEUSTER, Josef - (Father Damien) FLEMING, Tommy - JAHAN, Shah - JAMES, Jesse - LAFARGE, Marie - LAWRENCE, T. E. - LINCOLN, Abraham - MOZART, Constanz - NA'EA, Emalani (Queen Emma of Hawaii -) PAUL, Alice - PETOIT, Marcel - PONZI, Carlo (Charles -) PUYI, Asien-Goro - ROMANOV, Peter (Peter the Great) - RYOMA, Sakamoto - STRATTON, Charles - STUART, Charles - STUYVESANT, Peter - TUDOR, Henry (King Henry VIII) - VICTORIA, Alexandrina (Queen) - VON SCHILL, Ferdinand.
Each biography has a related cartoon, cartoon strip or illustration.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Oliver Spedding
• Release date: Apr 30, 2019
• ISBN: 9781386640523

Oliver T. Spedding

I'm a freelance designer, writer, book illustrator and cartonist and artist.

Book preview

ANTONIUS, Marcus

ARNOLD, Benedict

BARNUM, Phineas

BECKET, Thomas

BONAPARTE, Napoleon

BOTEV, Hristo

BOWIE, James

BRAILLE, Louis

BUONCOMPAGNI, Ugo (Pope Gregory XIII)

CALMENT, Jeanne

CASTRO, Thomas

COLUMBUS, Christopher

CROCKETT, Davy

CROMWELL, Oliver

CUFFEE, Paul

DE SANTA ANNA, Antonio Lopez

DE VEUSTER, Josef (Father Damien)

FLEMING, Tommy

HICKOK, James Butler

JAHAN, Shah

JAMES, Jesse

LAFARGE, Marie

LAWRENCE, T. E.

LINCOLN, Abraham

MOZART, Constanz

NA’EA, Emalani (Queen Emma of Hawaii)

NELSON, Horatio

OAKLEY, Annie

PAUL, Alice

PETOIT, Marcel

PONZI, Carlo (Charles)

PUYI, Asien-Goro

REVERE, Paul

ROMANOV, Peter (Peter the Great)

RYOMA, Sakamoto

STRATTON, Charles

STUART, Charles

STUYVESANT, Peter

TUDOR, Henry (King Henry VIII)

VICTORIA, Alexandrina (Queen)

VON SCHILL, Ferdinand

MARCUS ANTONIUS

Greetings Bro. There’s this playa with the handle's Marcus Antonius who came to be in 83 B.C. in Rome, in the land of the Spaghetti Munchers. Don't ask me what B.C. is. I know diddly-squat about dates and history. What I do know is that it was during the time of the Roman Republic, whatever that means. His old man was a bit of a jerk and croaked in Crete when Marc was 12. The old lady tried to keep Marc in check but he was mainly on auto-pilot. He spent his time hanging loose with his bruvas, gambling, drinking antifreeze and screwing the chicks. He even made out with a homo called Gaius.

By the time he’s twenty Marc’s in the red big time and to save his hide, he jets out to Greece, signs up with the ground pounders and makes tracks to Judea. There he weighs in with the donkey-wallopers to cream the Hadjis and then they roll out to Gypoland and he checks out this awesome chick Cleopatra.

In 58 B.C. the Roman head honcho Julius Caesar moves out to take over Gaul and Marc’s mate Clodius fixes for him to grub in Caesar's team. They jet out to Gaul and the boss is so blown away with Marc’s heavy hitting that he busts him back to Rome to brush up on politics. Then it's back to Gaul as quarterback of the donkey-wallopers and they cream the Gaul schmucks at the Battle of Alesia, wherever that is, and next minute he’s a legate which is the head honcho of a legion. In 50 B.C. the boss jets him back to Rome where he’s College of Augurs and he tells the peeps what the gods want by checking out the way the birds fly. I kid you not. It's not a gag, and on top of it all the peeps actually buy this baloney. Then he’s made a People's Tribune and can nix the schmucks who bad-mouth the boss.

So Caesar's enemies, Pompey and his bruvas, face off against him in 49 B.C. Caesar wants to be head honcho but the Senate bruvas nix his plans and, as it's almost time up for him in Gaul, he needs to be top dog of the Romans to save himself. Then the Senate schmucks pink-slip Caesar and brand him a traitor and a public enemy. So Marc stands up for the boss and they pink slip him too, so he jets out to the boss man who's cooling his heels on the banks of the Rubicon River which is his touch line. Caesar crosses the touch line with Marc as his number two and the civil war's on. They home in on Rome and Pompey and his bruvas hit the road to Greece.

The boss makes Marc quarterback of Italy while he makes tracks to the land of the Dons and creams the Bull-killers before breaking out to Greece in 48 B.C. In Greece Caesar creams Pompey and his homeboys big time and the jerk hightails it to Gypoland. Now the Roman Republic's history, Caesar's the Dictator, whatever that is, and Marc’s his number two.

After eleven days as the main man Caesar benches himself and jets out to Gypoland to face off against Pompey and Marc’s the head honcho of Italy again. But while Caesar's creaming Pompey Marc drops the ball back home and the boss is bent out of shape with him big time. He gets another pink slip and Caesar's back on the field but two years later they smoke a peace pipe and he’s off the bench and back on the field as the Boss' partner.

In 44 B.C. three hoods, Casca, Marcus Julius Brutus and Cassius whack Caesar and he runs out of life. Marc makes tracks out of Rome but then he’s back to smoke a peace pipe with the hoods and he’s made the head honcho but he wants out of Rome so he puts the heat on the Senate guys to jet him to Gaul but the boss there doesn't buy this and it's war again. To cut a long story short Marc creams his enemies in Gaul and he’s the head honcho of the East, wherever that is. He sends for his chick Cleopatra and they chill until he jets back to Rome where he falls out with the schmucks there so he hits the road to Cleo and their two ankle biters in Gypoland. Cleo gives him moolah to set up his ground pounders and he’s back in business.

So Marc’s rumbling all over the show and winning some and losing some and then he faces up to this Octavian geezer who creams Marc’s Canoe Club and he and Cleo hightail it back to Gypoland. Octavian hits Gypoland and now Marc’s holed up and waiting for Octavian to take him out. He hears that Cleo's taken herself out so maybe he'll ditto that.

In 30 B.C. Marcus Antonius took himself out by stabbing himself with his blade.

MARK ANTHONY cartoon

BENEDICT ARNOLD

Yo, bro! There’s this bruva with the handle Benedict Arnold and he made his entrance in Norwich, Connecticut in 1741. His old lady had some moolah after her first hubby bought the farm and her second hubby was Benny’s old man but when his bro and two sisters croaked from yellow fever he started hitting the antifreeze big time and the moolah dried up. As an ankle biter Benny was always hot to trot but because there was no moolah he was pulled from school and the old lady set him up to grub for a medicine dispensing biz. He hung in there for seven years and then split and jetted out to Europe to set up a supply chain before high-tailing it back to the US and setting up his own biz.

In 1767 Benny gets hitched to this chick Margaret Mansfield and they come up with three rug rats but then the war against the Frenchies starts and he’s into the ground pounders lickety-split. The big brass let him make tracks to take out Fort Ticonderoga in the Big Apple where he teams up with this bruva Ethan Allen and they cream the Frenchies. Then they have a face-off over who's going to be boss man of the turf and when he’s nixed, Benny benches himself from the ground pounders. While rolling back home, the breaking news is that Margaret has croaked.

Later Benny huddles with the head honcho Georgie Washington and gets the okay to bash Quebec City in the land of the Canucks but he can't zap them and takes a hit in the left leg. When he’s mended he makes tracks to Montreal but when the Pommies get there he high-tails it back home and Georgie sends him to defend Rhode Island.

In 1777 his promotion gets nixed and he blows his cool. He tries to bench himself but Big Brother doesn't buy it and when the Pommies show up in Connecticut he’s back in the thick of things. At the Battle of Ridgefield, wherever that is, Benny takes another hit to his left leg and then when he’s hale and hearty he busts out to Philadelphia to rap with the main guys about his promotion and makes Major General. But he’s still bent out of shape so he benches himself but Georgie nixes this and jets him back to the Big Apple.

The head honcho in the Big Apple is General Gates and he and Benny don't see eye to eye but they take on the Pommies and cream them and then Congress, whatever that is, okays his promotion but he’s still seriously bent. In 1778 he’s the head honcho of Philadelphia and starts making good moolah under the table. He meets this chick Peggy Shippen who's deep in with the Pommies, especially a schmuck Major John André.

Peggy and Benny get hitched but he’s getting more and more riled with the Yankee schmucks who he thinks have been short changing him big time. So he and Pegs stay in cahoots with the Pommies and in 1779, on the quiet, he tells the Pommies that he wants to do a flip-flop and join their team. John André gets in on the action and Benny starts sending him info on what the Yankees are up to. He also starts sending his moolah to Pommie land. Then he’s head honcho of West Point in 1780 and tells the Pommies all about the joint. Finally he huddles with John André and makes plans for the Pommies to take over West Point.

On the way back to the Pommies André is collared by the Yankees and they check out the plans to take over West Point and send them to the Yankee head shed and it looks like Benny’s number's up. Then he gets wind of André being collared and breaks out lickety-split to the Pommies at the Big Apple. Georgie tries to do a deal with the Pommies to trade Benny for André but the Pommies nix it and André goes down to death row and buys the farm. Benny weighs in with the Pommie ground pounders and they cream the Yankees at Richmond. In 1781 he jets out to London with Pegs