Out of the Depths: Your Companion after Pregnancy Or Infant Loss: Out of the Depths

By Brandy H. Mullins and Tiffany R. Patterson

he Out of the Depths series addresses common pastoral crises
in a faithful, encouraging, and factual manner that provides support to
parishioners in crisis beyond the initial pastoral conversation. These
inexpensive 64-page booklets can be given out to parishioners when they
bring their recent diagnosis, crisis, or trauma to the pastor as a way
to continue to provide care throughout the difficult season. Each
booklet begins with a thoughtful consideration of the topic at hand,
which is followed up by 30 brief devotions. These devotions are designed
to be manageable in an overwhelming time, encouraging, and honest. The Out of the Depths booklets are essential care resources to be given out by pastors, Stephen Ministers, and congregational care teams.

Key Features:

Written by metal health professionals and pastors to help the
reader process their trauma both psychologically and theologically.
Includes accessible material describing the dynamics of the
crisis situation and typical reactions, which provides the reader with a
sense of grounding and direction through increased knowledge.
The thirty short devotions creates a sense of companionship and hope in a difficult and lonely time.
Knowing they are sharing a resource written by mental health
professionals and pastors with personal experience provides pastors a
trustworthy source of information.
Easy for pastors/churches to keep in stock and distribute as
needed, serves as a tangible reminder of the faith community’s care.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Abingdon Press
• Release date: Jun 5, 2019
• ISBN: 9781501881374

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

I have loved you with an everlasting love.

—Jeremiah 31:3 (NIV)

Tiny fingers and toes and infinite hopes and dreams . . . the love between a parent and child can begin well before the day of birth and often even before conception. When your time together on this earth is cut short by infant or pregnancy loss, the grief is indescribable. It is a heart-breaking that no parent should ever have to endure. Whether your baby died in early pregnancy or after birth, please know that in this little book you will find your loss and the life of your baby honored. In our society, grief—especially related to the loss of a baby—is such an uncomfortable topic that our journeys are often met with difficult silence, unhelpful platitudes, or a hasty change of subject. This book invites you to take your time to work through different thoughts, feelings, and experiences that you have as you process your loss. Each experience is different, and while you might not have encountered all of the situations described here, we trust that you will see enough of your pain and story reflected to encourage your growth and healing, whatever that might look like.

This little book is intended to be a companion in grief. It is organized into two parts. The first is educational. In it, we will look at your grief process in relation to yourself, your closest loved ones, your broader community, and God. It is our sincere hope that this knowledge will provide a useful framework for understanding your personal experience of grief. The second part of the book is devotional and consists of thirty daily scripture readings, devotions, and prayers. It is our sincere prayer that these readings will bring hope and comfort, provide a daily grounding faith ritual, and lend a sense of connectedness—both to God and to a community of grieving parents as you move through the days and weeks to come. You do not have to read the first part of this book before beginning the devotions. Feel free to start them at any time.

The contents of this book draw from our experiences as pastors and a mental health professional, and as mothers who have grieved deeply and differently. For example, when Brandy’s little love went from a beautiful strong heartbeat on an ultrasound to silence, she was silent about her experience for a long time. She hadn’t even told anyone she was pregnant. She took a couple of days off from her job as pediatric hospital chaplain and then went back to work, determined to get back to normal. In her role as chaplain, she spends many hours with families experiencing the loss of a pregnancy or child, though, of course, personally experiencing a loss is entirely different. Although it has now been almost ten years since her loss and she has since given birth to three healthy, beautiful children, Brandy still holds this little one in her heart. She remembers him on his due date and lights a candle for him every year on the anniversary of the day she lost him.

Tiffany’s infant daughter was born at full term but experienced major complications after birth due to an infection that would take her life twenty-four hours later. As a United Methodist pastor, Tiffany has walked with many people in their grief, but she was not prepared for the immense grief she experienced after the death of her baby. Years later, she continues to grieve and honor her daughter every day, even as she is a single mom by choice to her wonderful foster children. She has found many life-giving practices that sustain and grow her as she lives each day without her daughter.

If this book has found its way into your hands, you share with us a devastating loss, and for that we are deeply sorry. Both Brandy and Tiffany have written these words with the prayer that you will know that you, as a parent, are not alone in this terrible grief. We are honored to walk with you.

Blessings and peace,

Tiffany Patterson and Brandy Mullins

Chapter One

KINDNESS WITH YOURSELF

Walking your loss journey inevitably means navigating an onslaught of emotions, likely including some mix of deep sadness, anger, guilt, depression, loneliness, and an all-encompassing love for your baby. In this section, we will talk about how you can care for yourself as you do the difficult work of grieving.

TIMELINE OF GRIEF

How many times have you heard some variation of Just give it some time? Well-meaning friends and family assure you over and over that, with time, this grief will pass. You may be surrounded by love and support in those first awful days and weeks, but eventually the world seems to go back to its business. And yet, here you are, as grief-stricken as you were on day one.

Whether you lost your child last week or ten years ago, know there is no timeline for your grieving process. You are not expected to move on. Grief is not linear; it doesn’t necessarily get better each day. You may find that one day you are able to take a slightly deeper breath, and the next day you can’t even get out of bed. This is normal and okay. While the nature and intensity of your grief will change over time, it will remain with you. The goal of processing your grief is to learn to function with your love for—and loss of—your child, integrated as a part of who you are. The goal is not to get over it.

Jesus understood the persistent nature of a parent’s grief. As Jesus was on