Not with My Daughter!: A Dad?s Guide to Screening Dates and Boyfriends

By Terry Vaughan

Every father experiences the anxiety of knowing that one day his daughter is going to do the inevitable and start dating. In addition to cleaning his shotgun, he can become her date’s worst nightmare by also arming himself with the body language and interview skills necessary to figure out who the potential boyfriend is in less than ten minutes.

In Not with My Daughter!, Terry Vaughan gives dads vital information on how to decode the gestures, facial expressions, and verbal statements of all prospective boyfriends. With two daughters of his own rapidly coming of age, Vaughan realized he couldn’t water-board every new boyfriend who came through his door. He came up with strategy that all dads can use to effectively interview” and accurately assess the new men in their daughters’ lives. With Terry’s help, dads will learn how to

Master the checklist of items that will accurately assess the boyfriend within seconds
Recognize how his utilization of space and volume could be indicators of aggression
Uncover words that are used to hide something and those that reflect sincerity

Based on his extensive military training, Vaughan provides dads with the skills and information they need to interpret what kinds of signals boyfriends are sending out, and then do something smart and positive with the information.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Skyhorse
• Release date: Sep 16, 2014
• ISBN: 9781629149158

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

Reasons and Motivations

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life!

—Winston Churchill

Once upon a time you might have described me as a prepper. I had food, water, a selection of good knives, escape plans for virtually every contingency, and plenty of assorted firearms. In other words, everything a man would need in the event of a personal or global catastrophe. I was prepared for the world to implode. But as it turned out the Mayans only ran out of locations on which to write calendar dates beyond December 2012—they weren’t predicting the world would end. That was our misinterpretation. They just ran out of walls to paint on.

So, in the absence of a natural or manmade disaster, I have come to realize that nothing is going to save me from my two daughters’ coming of age, and yes, entrance into the dating scene. My older daughter is twelve, smart as a whip, athletic, and as feisty as me. She also believes the sun rises and sets with her dad, which is funny because she is the one I can most easily embarrass with a song or dance in front of her friends. With the teenage years on the horizon, I fear that her view of me being all-knowing is drawing to a close—at least temporarily. I’m hoping once she turns twenty-one those beliefs will return once again.

Then there is my middle child, my youngest daughter, who at age ten is already smarter than me. She could end up working for what’s left of NASA, or even the CIA, because yes, she is that smart. Unfortunately, given her love of rock music and dancing, I’m afraid she might seriously consider being a Vegas showgirl. I console myself with the fact that if she does become a dancer it will be because of her love of music and not out of a sense of desperation to strike back at me. Contrary to Cora, Sophie isn’t embarrassed by anything I do; she loves to laugh at me! So maybe I should be more concerned with Cora heading off to a life of glitz and glamour? She’d view the move as payback for all those times I goofed around in front of her friends. Parenting is tough, isn’t it? And every single decision can have consequences—hell, even goofing off can come back to bite you on the ass!

With that being said, career choices are still a long way off, and I have more pressing concerns. Just like every other father in the world with daughters, I’m scared! I have been for years. I know it’s my job and, of course, their mother’s, to raise these girls and steer them clear of dangers along the way—and when I say dangers, I mean little perverts commonly referred to as teenage boys. How do I know that teenage boys are perverts? Hello, been there, done that. This is why I have no qualms about illuminating the pimply little buggers in such a nefarious light. I once walked in their shoes, and liked it. And that’s what scares me the most!

Now I know I shouldn’t be (unfairly) tarnishing every teenage boy with the same brush. There are certainly exceptions to the rule. For instance, my son will grow up as a gentleman and perfectly at ease around strong-minded women. He is already cognizant of how important it is to openly discuss his feelings, and he can thank his mother for that blessing. I, on the other hand, had to learn how to open up and share things like feelings under the patient tutelage of my wife. Years in the military coupled with my less-than-harmonious childhood worked together to make me the kind of guy who shut down emotionally when things became tough, or uncomfortable.

But today, I no longer think in terms of having to win everything, fix everything, or even have a well-thought-out response to a challenging question. I understand that none of those things matter as long as I am willing to talk, sometimes at great length, in a meaningful and caring way, and then listen to the response with all the attention it deserves! This is all going to be second nature to my son because if he doesn’t listen, his momma takes offense and his sisters try to beat the crap out of him.

Now you may be a considerate, caring, well-adjusted, well-balanced, empathetic, and even sympathetic man who wouldn’t hurt anyone—ever. If this is the case, then it’s possible that your teenage experience was a wholesome one full of warm, fuzzy memories. You were most likely raised in a household with three square meals a day and a hug every night before bed, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Hell, that’s how we’re bringing my son up. If one day my son (or a mature, caring model citizen like him) knocks on your door to take little Sally on a date, you can rest assured she is being escorted to her destination by a gentleman.

But seriously, who am I kidding? I can practically guarantee that there isn’t going to be a model anything that comes reverently knocking at your door. Teenage boys like this are few and far between. The young man who’ll show up to escort your daughter is likely going to be full of surging testosterone, and illegally acquired beer. He will also be blessed with the finger dexterity of a master magician, and the kind of night vision capabilities normally reserved for big cats.

His years thus far have likely been lacking a firm, caring role model, or even a half-decent father. In fact, where his dad is concerned, every fear you herald in regard to the worst personality type possible is well represented here! When this young hooligan’s father was present, the examples set forth by this knuckle-dragging Neanderthal were a mixture of alcohol dependency and borderline personality disorder. It hasn’t been a pretty example and now the youth is old enough to personally deliver his own brand of takeout right to your door.

Life is grand, isn’t it?

But wait, before you despair and begin acquiring leg irons and a chain with which to secure your daughter in the far reaches of your basement, help is on the horizon.

I learned a few things during my four years with the British Royal Marine Commandos, and one of the most important lessons I garnered during that time is that if you plan for the worst and hope for the best, you’ll rarely be caught unprepared. Thus I present to you this guide to interviewing and screening your daughter’s boyfriends. I am going to teach you how to be a master interrogator of your daughter’s dates, so you and she can work together to find her perfect match. Some of the things I’m going to share with you are:

•   Why your ability to influence your daughter’s dating choices begins long before she’s old enough to date.

•   Why building rapport with her boyfriend will aid the interview.

•   How to accurately sum him up in ten minutes or less by scrutinizing the verbal and body language he uses.

Don’t get me wrong, this book isn’t the end-all answer to your dating concerns. If your daughter is inclined to reject your opinion or strike back at you, it won’t matter how good your interrogation techniques are because she won’t be listening to anything you have to say. That’s the result of problems cultivated during her youth, when you were too busy to spend time with her and show her how a respectful, quality guy talks and acts.

If you and your daughter don’t have good rapport, or if she doesn’t take you and your guidance seriously, I would advise you to go ahead and surrender to the inevitable string of misfits she’s going to bring home to meet you. Of course, moving your family to the outskirts of Nome, Alaska, might at least limit the number. Just a thought!

For now, let’s presume that you have a stellar relationship with your daughter and only want her to be happy. If this is the case, then a blanket approach of terrorize them all will only result in scaring away the one she should be with. Good fathers want their daughters to be safe; great fathers want their daughters to be safe and happy.

To that end, I would like to form a partnership with you, at least for the duration of this book. Please raise your right hand and repeat after me, "I (your name here) do solemnly swear not to threaten, beat, intimidate, or hurt my daughter’s dates until I have completed this book. I swear not to do this until I have all of the information I need to make an informed decision about who is deserving of an ass-beating and who is not." You should swear this oath in the name of your daughter’s long-term happiness.

In the event that you discover a date is unsuitable for your daughter’s fair hand, but you are unable to kick his ass alone, you will find the web address and phone number for the dads’ club I have launched at the back of this book. If such a time comes, you will be able to procure substantial backup from our group.

And speaking of not straying from the herd, so to speak, have you ever noticed how women never go anywhere alone, not even to the bathroom? This is why you won’t see a girl leave the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to her shoe, or hanging unceremoniously from her nylons, something I myself have done—the shoe thing, not the nylons. Within the sisterhood, they would never allow such a travesty to happen. If all concerned fathers stick together like women do, then you, sir, will not be facing your daughter’s coming of age alone, and more importantly, neither will I!

Where did you go to receive your training on body language?

This is one of the questions I often hear after my seminars and the answer comes in three parts. My childhood wasn’t the worst in the world, but it was also a long way from being the best. My dad, God rest his soul, was prone to violent outbursts and exacted as much control over everyone and everything he could. Growing up with these sorts of antics was tough, but it granted me the sort of real-world human behavior education that cannot be replicated anywhere else. Any advance warning, and I could have helped lessen the emotional impact of an outburst, or attack, so I spent my entire childhood learning to pay attention to every facial and body language clue that I could. I might not have been able to do anything about the physical aspects of being hit, but at least seeing things coming was like having a small but powerful buffer from some of the emotional impact. It was these circumstances that delivered the first part of my body language training, and they lasted until I left home at seventeen.

During my time in the military I was fortunate enough to attend a variety of courses on human behavior and body language, and it was here that I realized I excelled at reading people. During one presentation the instructor began calling people up to the front of the room to answer questions. Once the unlucky bugger had finished answering the instructor’s inquiries, the rest of the room discussed what they had seen or heard. I wasn’t sure how to categorize the signals displayed, but according to the instructor I was extremely accurate at describing emotions and personality types. I was intrigued and couldn’t get enough. After leaving the Commandos I enrolled in every course I could afford (and find time to attend) and soaked up the information like a sponge. Something unexpected occurred during this time, too. . . . I realized a sense of gratitude for my childhood experiences.

Over the years I have learned how difficult it is for people to observe and accurately interpret information in real time. Holding a conversation eats up the listener’s ability to be attentive. Observing gestures, facial expressions, and listening wholeheartedly is a real challenge. Often, unless there is a personal or professional reason to pay special attention to the speaker, the focus tends to be watered down as we internalize what the speaker is saying and how we are going to respond.

One way to improve your body language reading (in addition to attending classes) is to watch TV interviews with the sound off. Watching without sound eliminates that pesky word thing that can distract us from discerning what interviewees are really thinking. Not that words aren’t important. Mark McClish, a speaker, trainer, and author, is fond of repeating the mantra, People say exactly what they mean, during his Law Enforcement Statement Analyses classes; and we shall delve into language and the manner in which words are said in Chapter Seven.

As you study body language, you may find that your circle of friends begins to shrink. I don’t think you should worry about this. I know that’s easy for me to say, as I don’t know how few friends you have, but I’ve always believed in quality over quantity. This may happen because as you become more efficient at interpreting signals, you find some of your oldest friends are full of crap—or as I like to say, codswallop—are emotional basket cases, or enjoy oiling up and wearing diapers on a Friday night. On the positive side, if you discover they are full of codswallop, creating distance from them frees up backyard space during July Fourth celebrations and leaves more barbecue fare for everyone else.

In addition to thinning the friends herd, be warned, as your interpretation skills improve you may want to share what you learn with your kids. For the longest time I thought most of the information I was passing along to my kids in regard to body and verbal language assessments was falling on deaf ears; you may well understand what I mean when I say children’s eyes sometimes glaze over when they suspect one of Dad’s lectures is about to begin. Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether anything I’m telling them is actually making it passed the vacant stare. So, you can imagine my surprise when a few weeks after one of my more interesting explanations about verbal pauses (latency response), when waiting for an answer, a question was thrown back at me. Cora (my eldest child, aged nine at the time) wanted to know when my wife and I started having the sex. This was definitely a question that made me pause. My wife and I generally try to be as open and honest with our kids’ questions (in an age-appropriate way, of course) as we can; but this was one of those rare times when it seemed the best course of action was to dance around the subject as quickly and smoothly as possible, and hopefully duck the guaranteed follow-up grilling. Yes, I was being a coward. I didn’t want to tell an outright lie, so I stumbled through the following answer: Mom and Dad have been married for a long time and love each other very much, and we waited until after we were married before we began to have sex. Here’s how that answer played out:

Cora: You paused a very long time before answering, Dad. And I didn’t saying anything about marriage, I asked about the sex. You told me a lot. Are you telling the truth?

Holy crap! I was busy doing ten other things and had my back to her during her response, and I’m glad I did, as I think my jaw bounced off my chest twice. I’d just been outdone by my nine-year-old! I was trapped somewhere between shock and awe and the deepest pride a father can feel. She had listened, and apparently very well. I was now jaw-flapping like a fish out of water and responded the only way I could think to: Go ask your mother.

As soon as her back was turned I began feverishly texting her mother, hoping to provide some much-needed prep time before our precocious daughter ambushed her. I’m not clear how my wife heroically steered her way through the resulting interrogation; but suffice it to say, her mother and I vowed to get our stories straight on a variety of topics from that point forward. I also vowed to cease and desist sharing more decoding techniques. So be warned, most of what you teach your kids will bounce right off their armored noggins; but anything that can come back to bite you on the ass or cause you major panic will go right into the vault of eternal memory and be released when you least expect it.

We are not human beings on a spiritual path, but spiritual beings on a human path.

—Jean Shinoda Bolen

I’d like to share with you where the idea for this book came from, and please don’t let my confession affect your enthusiasm for reading on. It is, after all, the information the book contains, rather than where the idea came from, that is important.

Until the last few years I never would have said I was a big believer in fate, divine intervention, chance encounters, or any other mystical gobbledygook. I was a cynic—a pragmatist at best. But, oh boy, has that changed. Now I’m not about to try to convince you otherwise if you don’t believe in any of that stuff. I was perfectly happy (at least I thought I was) not believing in much of anything and being highly suspicious of everyone outside a chosen few. I expect that if you don’t believe in forces larger than yourself, it’s easy to be happy behind whatever wall you surround yourself with. I was content behind my wall for many years. You may hide behind one for many more years, if not indefinitely, and if this is who you are, then no worries. But I had a huge change in perspective. This change was due in part to my father’s death, by suicide, in 2008.

My father was an angry, dark person who was rarely able to enjoy the lighter side of life. Following his passing, I felt myself slipping into the same sort of mind-set he had. Few things made me happy. My wife strived to keep everything together, while I did less and less. Then, when I think I had exhausted her last reserve, she took a chance and paid for me to consult a psychic medium. I’m not sure why a medium (as opposed to a therapist), but I think my wife wanted me to connect with my dad and get more answers than I could garner from the books I was reading. The medium, whom I had never met before and had been given only my first name, relayed information to me that no one else knew. She described events from my childhood, listing specific things that I hadn’t told anyone. She gave me a huge psychic kick to the tenders and woke me up. Talk about a shock—I was majorly unsettled!

Then the psychic explained that I needed to write a book. I countered that a few years prior I had been writing a book on self-leadership. I further explained that I had written more than 120 pages when my computer contracted a virus and ate the damn thing. Even the external hard drive backup had gone. There wasn’t a way in hell I was starting that over again. And yes, the irony about my having almost written a book about self-motivation, never giving up, and then walking away from my project when all of it vanished, isn’t lost on me either. It didn’t help my nerves when I told the medium this and she calmly replied that the universe knows when the time is right or wrong, and that that book wasn’t the one I was supposed to be writing—at least not at the time. I was, as you can imagine, about to explode with frustration. She had touched on one too many soft spots. I angrily asked her what the hell I was supposed to be writing about, even listing body language for cops as a possible topic, and she said she didn’t think that should be the subject either, or at least not exactly. She then chuckled and said I will know it when I know it, as the universe was already aligning to provide me with the answer.

What the hell does the universe is aligning mean? I felt like the universe and I were about to come to blows! Even though the reading shocked me, referencing truths I had turned my back on long ago, I wasn’t fully ready to jump on board with this mystic mumbo jumbo. All I could think was, WTF! But she was right, it was aligning. I was already teaching how to read body language at locations around the country, but these sessions were aimed toward improving communication for corporate personnel, improving interview techniques, and recognizing dangerous nonverbal signals for law enforcement. A book specifically written to help dads navigate meeting and screening their daughter’s dates hadn’t occurred to me. That was going to change.

Over the course of half a dozen presentations, I was approached by various attendees and received similar messages: I wish you could be with me when I meet my daughter’s boyfriends and You should write a book about screening boyfriends. The last straw occurred a few days after my family and I relocated to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, when the first person I was introduced to, another dad, made a similar remark when he learned what I did for a living. He said, I wish I could have you and your people-reading skills next to me when my daughter starts dating. It would be crazy good to have you help me weed out the losers. Hey, maybe you could write a book. Is this seriously happening again? I wondered. Then, okay, universe, I’m listening.

I can be a quick learner in some matters and dense as a fencepost in others. But even I realized that after a year of this happening over and over again, someone, somewhere, was trying to tell me something. Much to my surprise, the psychic was right.

Ultimately the universe aligned and the message got through. I was inspired by all of the dads making similar comments. I want to be with them, with you, when your daughter brings home her latest flame—and not just so we can comfort one another once he walks out the door with her. I’d like to begin a revolution wherein dads get to play an active role in helping select Mr. Right; because for far too long we’ve had to sit on the sidelines because our behavior has been less than helpful. Too often we approach interactions with new boyfriends like a proverbial bull in a china shop, glaring and intimidating our way through our time with them, but accomplishing very little that is constructive. Not surprisingly, your daughter may have come to expect you to act this way, and so plans accordingly, ensuring your time with the new boyfriend is kept as brief as possible.

Once you finish this book, you will know why your role in helping your daughter find true happiness begins long before she starts dating. Why even if you have only a few minutes with him, you’ll be able to recognize future asshole conduct, or worse, dangerous impulses, and do something about them. You’ll be able to articulate what you’ve seen and move yourself from a sideline observer to the centerfield star. And maybe, just maybe, you won’t have to suffer through holiday weekend family reunions with a son-in-law whom you’d like to strangle every time you cross paths. Consider a world where Mom’s happy because she isn’t having to stress you’ll do or say something bad during your short time with him. Your daughter can trust you’re on her side when it comes to her finding her soul mate. And even you will enjoy being around him. That’s a multiple-win situation and no one has to die to get there. So let’s get cracking, as none of us are getting any younger and your daughter’s love selection hangs precariously in the balance.

CHAPTER TWO

Circle of Trust

"I have found that the best