The Penis Monster's Movie Guide (Enlarged & Expanded Edition)

By Duane Bradley

Melvin Trump, the world’s only one-eyed film critic, visits his local drive-in to check out Chuck Norris movies, Japanese splatter films and flicks with exploding hookers. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll see the world in a new light. Hail to The Beef!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Duane Bradley
• Release date: Oct 27, 2018
• ISBN: 9780463522295

Duane Bradley

Duane Bradley is the author of Schlock Treatment and Schlock Theater, two non-fiction volumes about exploitation cinema. "To Deprave And Corrupt", his article about Video Nasties, appeared in issue #1 of Red Room Magazine.

Book preview

The Penis Monster’s Movie Guide (Enlarged & Expanded Edition)

By

Duane Bradley

Copyright 2018 Duane Bradley

Published At Smashwords

***

License Notes

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this eBook with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to the vendor of your choice and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Book List

By the same author and available at Smashwords:

Desert Kill

She Devil With A Shotgun

Watching Porn With Leatherface

*

A Few Words From Mushroomhead

You’re reading this so maybe you read the first edition of The Penis Monster’s Movie Guide, which was a collection of movie reviews written by yours truly, the world’s only one-eyed film critic.

More likely though is that you never heard of it, you’ve never read a book before and you’re only staring at this because it had the word ‘penis’ in the title and you thought it’d be some funny shit. Sorry to disappoint you, bud, but that was a marketing gimmick and this is really a book about the painting and knotting craft known as Scoubidou, which originated in France.

Nah, just fucking with you. This is the same book, only with more reviews of shitty movies. And the French aren’t as bad as they’re made out to be. Well, they’re all right. Provided you don’t go to France. The main thing in their favour is that they’re not the Welsh. Also they make good bread and their women are wild and horny if you have low standards and don’t mind poking an evil Wookie.

My given name is Melvin Trump, but my owner calls me Ol’ Painless, after Jesse Ventura’s weapon in Predator. According to him, it’s because I’m long and hard and when I shoot, you go straight to meet your maker. More likely it’s because he considers himself a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like Jesse.

You’ve never heard of me, but you’ve heard of my master. He’s lives in Washington DC and talks a load of toot about women and immigrants. Remember that line about how dogs resemble their owners? Well, it cuts both ways.

This guy’s a dick.

He brings me out at parties and makes lame jokes. For six months, I was Jack Reacher. Before that, I’d been The Honey Monster. Before that, Melania’s Milkman.

But I put up with it.

Because I know that this is the inside track to becoming a film critic.

This might sound like an unusual vocation, but trust me, any gopher can do it. You sit in the dark for a couple of hours, watching famous people behave foolishly. You write a hatchet job review. Simple.

My favourite review was this dismissal of Zombie Strippers: Even the boobies couldn’t save it and I love boobies. So simple. So elegant. So true.

I’ve gone for simplicity and truth in the reviews that follow (elegance I’ll have to think about). In these pages, you’ll find a bikinied ninja android, portrayed by a former porn star, battling zombie gangsters with samurai swords and booby-bombs, rubber-suited sea monsters that wade ashore to play hide-the-fish-stick with a bunch of Playmates and that guaranteed crowd-pleaser, the story of a man who turns into a turkey.

Every picture tells a story, usually with all the grace of an exploding septic tank. Sometimes the explosion is awesome and hilarious. Other times, well, it’s a shower of shit and you’d better stand clear.

It’s the job of a responsible critic to survey the scene and file a report. Usually, that report will be either "Check this out! or Duck and cover!" However, as hard as I’m working to keep you entertained, it should be remembered that none of us are infallible.

I hope you brought an umbrella.

TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (2013)

Now that movies are cheaper and easier to make, there are no more drooping mikes, everything’s in focus and the cast usually don’t look into the camera, which is more than you can say about some scuzzy 16mm Drive-in movie. But wait: wasn’t Tobe Hooper’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre one of those affairs? Sure it was, and it was a damn sight bolder than this.

First, the good news: Michael Bay had nothing to do with this movie. He jumped ship after Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning failed to buy him a fleet of sports cars and was last seen raping a Ninja Turtle. Or maybe it was Megan Fox. Can’t really tell without my monocle. Anyway, this version also has cameos from Bill Moseley and Gunnar Hansen, plus footage from the original, regraded in eye-popping 3D.

Okay, that’s it for the good (boy, that was