The Penis Monster's Movie Guide

By Ian Watson

He calls himself "Ol' Painless." He likes bad action movies, Italian zombie flicks and chasing locker room starlets. He's "kind of a dick." And now you can read his thoughts on Uwe Boll, Jean-Claude Van Damme and that mad scientist movie with exploding hookers...

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ian Watson
• Release date: Feb 25, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301033416

Ian Watson

"Ian Watson" is the pseudonym of Melvin Bay, Michael Bay's dude piston, who ran away rather than be known as "Megan's Milkman."

Book preview

The Penis Monster’s Movie Guide

By

Ian Watson

Copyright 2013 Ian Watson

Published At Smashwords

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Book List

By the same author and available at Smashwords:

Movies That Witness Madness Parts 1-7

The Least Action Heroes

Schlock Sleaze & Cheesy Bs

Introduction by Ol’ Painless

It was the worst of films, it was the best of films.

It was a midnight screening of Humanoids From The Deep.

If you haven’t seen it, this is the enormously enjoyable monster movie producer Roger Corman cut tit shots into so it could compete against Friday The 13th. Not a picture Pauline Kael would have recommended.

Unlike Ms Kael, I am not a professional critic writing for The New Yorker. I’m just some guy that watches movies in between chasing starlets. If we met, you maybe wouldn’t notice me but I’d certainly notice your girlfriend.

You see, I’m kind of a dick.

When I’m not slithering around locker rooms, I like bad action movies, Italian zombie flicks and late-night creature features. I don’t read films or look for subtext. I just want to know if there’s car chases and gratuitous nudity. To rent Seagal or to rent Van Damme. That is the question.

Movies, in my humble opinion, should be enjoyed, not analysed. That kind of thing may have merit in academic circles, but when start giving consideration to the existential nature of Humanoids, you’re two steps away from a rubber room and a check-up from the neck-up.

Obviously, I don’t have an expensive education, wear tweed or know big words, but even I can tell you that a movie with rape, cross-breeding and Doug McClure probably isn’t saying much about The Meaning Of It All.

Which is not to say you shouldn’t watch Humanoids. You should, along with every other movie in this book. It’s fast, uproarious and there’s titties in it.

But according to William Goldman, there are three types of films, and it isn’t in the top two. They are: 1) Films that aspire to quality and succeed; 2) Films that aspire to quality and fail; 3) Films that were never meant to be any good at all.

Most movie guides recommend you watch 1) or 2), but rarely will they suggest viewing 3).

And with good reason. The acting here (as well as the directing, writing, special effects and overall intent) is hardly Oscar-calibre. Which is not to call them unwatchable. They’re loads of fun, just unlikely to be mistaken for, say, The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie.

Whether you call them b-movies, schlock or guilty pleasures, there’s a strange appeal to their occasionally inept, often silly shenanigans. Movies about masked Mexican wrestlers, rubber-suited monsters and space gorillas in diving helmets can be a genuine pleasure if enjoyed with alcohol and friends, and once you’ve sat through enough of these you’ll want others to join in the fun.

That’s what this book is about. Sharing the fun. And if you bring your girlfriend,