Parenting Made Easy – The Middle Years: A Bag of Tricks Approach to Parenting the 6-12 Year Old

By Anna Cohen

No longer a toddler not yet a teen-ager, the middle years can be a challenging time for parents. Yet it is a vital time to establish the kinds of family values that you want before the turbulent teen years begin.

If you have ever felt challenged by your child’s behaviour, have felt that you just don’t know what to do next or that your parenting ‘tool box’ is empty then you need this book. Dr Anna Cohen draws on over 20 years of experience as a child clinical psychologist to come up with simple, effective strategies that you can begin using now to create stress-free family life in the middle years.

Many parenting strategies rely on complicated behavioural management programmes and burdensome routines, when they fail to work families can become even more discouraged. Based in Dr Cohen’s experience of what works, she has written a book that allows parents to use easy, simple and natural methods to create a happy home. These are strategies that don’t cost money, don’t require major changes to family routine and can be easily understood by every mum, dad and child.

Dr Cohen’s practical, evidence-based approach allows families to move from confrontation, frustration and threats to calm, collaboration and respect. This book can help every family negotiate the middle years and build the foundations for long-term parenting success.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris AU
• Release date: Feb 21, 2013
• ISBN: 9781465306081

Anna Cohen

Dr Anna Cohen has been working with children, young people and families for more than 20 years in both the public health system and the private sector. She specialises in the assessment, diagnosis and treatment of children and young people with psychiatric, emotional and behavioural difficulties. In her many years of experience Dr Cohen has developed a special interest in helping parents develop skills and confidence in raising their children. She currently works full time as Clinic Director at Kids & Co. Clinical Psychology in Sydney’s Inner West and Eastern Suburbs.

Book preview

Copyright © 2013 by ANNA COHEN.

Library of Congress Control Number:  2012900361

ISBN:

   Hardcover   978-1-4653-9633-4

   Softcover    978-1-4653-9632-7

   Ebook          978-1-4653-0608-1

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Rev. date: 03/08/2013

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-800-618-969

www.Xlibris.com.au

[e-mail]

501030

Contents

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Chapter 1:   Principles of parent management

Developmental needs

Characteristics of the child during the middle years

Building your bag of tricks

Chapter 2:   Building positive relations: the scaffolding for considerate behaviour

Building positive relationships

Confidence

Self-esteem

Constructive feedback

Teaching children to be considerate

Effective communication as a tool for teaching considerate behaviour

Active listening

‘I’ statements

The ‘I’ statement formula

Establishing expectations (considerate behaviour agreements) and making them work

Build your bag of tricks

Chapter 3:   Acknowledging desirable behaviour

Effective acknowledgement

Ways to acknowledge

Labelled acknowledgement ideas

Be consistent

Commonly desired behaviours may include:

Building your bag of tricks

Chapter 4:   Encouraging desirable behaviour

Child-centred time

Building your bag of tricks

Chapter 5:   Giving instructions and choices

Giving effective instructions

The typical escalation trap

Typical requests made

How to stop the escalation trap

Simple steps for effective instruction giving

Terminating instructions

Simple steps to delivering effective terminating instructions

Clear instruction sequence (to start a behaviour)

Clear instruction sequence (to stop a behaviour)

The in-charge parent

Examples of specific instructions

Using choices with your child

Choice statements

A when-then statement

Building your bag of tricks

Chapter 6:   Consequences

Avoiding arguments

Reduce negative emotional expression

Planned ignoring

Consequences

Logical consequences

Logical consequences—the steps

Ideas for consequences:

Cool Down

Cool Down steps

Post-incident discussion

Techniques to avoid with children

Building your bag of tricks

Good guide to parenting tips

Chapter 7:   Releasing children from playing roles

Managing sibling conflict

Managing high-risk situations

Calming strategies

Chapter 8:   Pulling it all together—your bag of tricks

Tips for encouraging considerate behaviour

Tips for discouraging inconsiderate behaviour

References

To my daughters Abbi and Claudia

Acknowledgements

The completion of this book would not have been possible without the endless support and deep love of my family. I thank Michelle Ingram and Nerolie Muller for their gentle care, guidance and motivation to take on extra work in addition to their already overloaded and hectic schedules. Thank you as well to my dear friends, particularly Tash Rumble for her editorial input and Kelly Holcroft for her artistic prowess and endless willingness to ‘workshop’ this project. Your patience and generosity is greatly appreciated. Lastly I would like to thank all the children and families who I have been privileged to work with over the years. You have been my inspiration.

We want more for our children than healthy bodies. We want for our children to have lives filled with friendship and love and high deeds… We want them to be eager to learn to be willing to confront challenges… We want them to grow up with confidence in the future, a love of adventure, a sense of justice. We want them to be resilient in the face of the setbacks and failures that growing up always brings.

Seligman (1995: 6) The Optimistic Child.

Introduction

The information contained in these pages is designed to be a ‘bag of tricks’ for you to use with kindness in your parenting. These strategies are not intended to be the magic solution to all your difficulties and may need to be changed slightly to suit your family or your own way of speaking. The ideas in this book have worked for thousands of families, but they are examples and suggestions only. Remember, you’re the one who knows your family inside out and that by being clear in your expectations, you can make your parenting role easier.

Most of us have trained for our chosen career, but we assume that the job of a parent requires no schooling. At times, we blindly navigate this process in an unplanned and reactive way, often making up our rules or better still our expectations and strategies as we go along. Our job as a parent is hard work. It challenges our competence, our energy, and our emotions. Parenting questions our ability to establish firm, consistent, clear, predictable, and yet loving boundaries. Children will always test out how elastic these boundaries are and how far they can be stretched. This is a normal part of growing up and is how a child gets ready to be in charge of their life as an adult. All children will be ‘hard work’, ‘difficult’, or ‘challenging’ at times. This book is intended to give you a ‘bag of tricks’ to use with your child to help you navigate this challenging territory with assertiveness, decisiveness, confidence, empathy and compassion.

The strategies advocated are designed to direct as opposed to control children and stem from the acknowledgement that children, by virtue of being children, will make behavioural errors. Remember, children are not mini adults. They are egocentric, and their behaviour is at times thoughtless and impulsive. It is a myth to think that they should be well behaved and always do as they