Embracing Life Again After the Death of a Spouse: Never Give Up... Just Be Smart...

By Dr Anniekie Ravhudzulo

When someone we love dies, our whole world is knocked off balance. One of the most common and yet difficult feelings you experience is isolation. It seems no one understands what you are going through. And many of us are so busy, you dont take the time to fully grieve and, therefore, heal from your losses. It is very true that people who are grieving often feel extremely tired because the process of grieving usually requires physical and emotional energy. The grief you are feeling is not just for the person who died, but also for the unfulfilled wishes and plans for the relationship with the person. Death often reminds most of the people of past losses or separations.
Remember, there are a number of conditions that can make it harder for you as a person to successfully make it through the grief process. For example, sudden losses are harder to deal with than ones that have been anticipated. With anticipated losses, the knowledge that a loss will occur allows people to prepare, both by feeling grief before the fact of the loss and also by planning ways to minimize the negative impact of the loss when it does occur.
The loss of a spouse, lover, child, parent, or best friend is usually more deeply felt than the loss of more distant relations and friends. This is because such central relationships have long and deeply felt histories and an intensity of attachment that does not occur with more distant relationships. Central relationships are more deeply and significantly knitted into the grieving persons sense of self, and thus leave a bigger hole in the grieving persons sense of self when they are lost.
I discovered that when things are going badly, whether in the family or work environment, most of us strive mightily to improve our situations. But what if the way to overcome a series of losses and failures is just to sink into them? We all go through trials and tribulations. Everyone has difficult situations in their life. It is the way we look at them, and the way we handle those situations. I believe it is the struggle we must endure to gain the strength needed to break through the barriers. With every victory comes the strength we need to overcome the obstacles and move forward.
Most people today give up easily because of what you may call emotional downturn. This book in your hand has been written and carefully thought out with you in mind. It has been written to bring you out of your sociological pit and emotional defeat. I therefore gladly recommend this book to your reading that you may be built in His grace. I believe that God will never give you more than you can handle. You often wonder how some people cope with their situations in life, I often hear people saying, IdontthinkIcoulddealwiththat but we dont know what strength lies within us, until the time comes to face the challenge. The harder the struggle, the sweeter the victoryNo test, no rewards.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris UK
• Release date: Jan 12, 2011
• ISBN: 9781456841928

Dr Anniekie Ravhudzulo

Author Bio Coming Soon

Book preview

Copyright © 2011 by Dr Anniekie Ravhudzulo.

ISBN:          Softcover                                 978-1-4568-4191-1

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4568-4192-8

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Published by Xlibris Corporation in the United States of America in 2011

This book was printed in the United States of America.

The Bible text in this publication, unless otherwise noted is from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV® New King, James Version of the Bible. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984. International Bible Society

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Contents

I Humbly Offer This Prayer For All Widows And Widowers Now . . .

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Foreword

Chapter 1 BACKGROUND OF THE BOOK EMBRACING LIFE AGAIN

1.1 Introduction

1.2 Purpose and Significance of the Study

1.3 Methods and Procedures

1.4 Sampling and Participants

1.5 Data Analysis

1.6 Trustworthiness

1.7 Ethical Concerns in Research Methods

1.8 Participant Recruitment

1.9 Informed Consent

1.10 Assessment of Actual and Perceived Risks

1.11 Potential Benefits of Research Participation

1.12 Results

1.13 Discussion and Conclusions

1.14 Conclusion

Chapter 2 GRIEF, MOURNING, BEREAVEMENT AND WIDOWHOOD ISSUES

2.1 Introduction

2.2 Grief

2.2.1 Everyone Grieves Differently

2.3 Mourning

2.3.1 Signs and Symbols

2.3.2 Theories of Grief and Mourning

2.4 Bereavement

2.5 Widowhood

2.5.1 Widowhood and Marriage

2.5.2 Economic Issues

2.6 Conclusion

Chapter 3 DEATH IN THE FAMILY

3.1 Introduction

3.2 The Valley Beyond Our Control

3.3 There is No Short Cut For This Valley

3.4 A Journey Through The Valley

3.5 A Companion For The Journey

3.6 Grieving the Loss of Unexpected Death

3.7 God Will Take Care of You

3.8 Conclusion

Chapter 4 WHEN THINGS FALL APART

4.1 Introduction

4.2 Stages of Loss

4.3 The Way Death Occurred and The Concurrent Circumstances

4.4 Situation of The Bereaved Person

4.5 Attachment and Loss

4.6 Conjugal Bereavement and the Risk Factors in Later Life

4.7 Health Effects After the Death of a Spouse

4.8 Normal and Complicated Grief

4.9 Conclusion

Chapter 5 UNDERSTANDING GRIEF

5.1 Introduction

5.2 Death and Grief

Five stages of grief—Elisabeth Kübler Ross

5.3 Death is Everyone’s Experience

5.4 Death is a True Situation

5.5 Death and The Greater Love of God

5.6 Jesus Christ and Death

5.7 Speak Out Your Feelings

5.8 Expectations During Death

5.9 Do Something About These Feelings

5.10 Every Grief is Unique

5.10.1 Death of a Child

5.10.2 Death of a Spouse

5.10.3 Death of a Parent

5.11 Misguided Grieving Ground Rules

5.12 Widowed People and Grief

5.13 Conclusion

Chapter 6 THE HIGHS AND LOWS OF LIFE

6.1 Introduction

6.2 Feelings of Grieving People

6.3 Coping With the Highs and Lows of Life

6.4 Types of the Highs and Lows

6.5 God Sees Your Highs and Lows

6.6 No Matter What Your Circumstances

6.7 Conclusion

Chapter 7 LET THE BITTERNESS BLEED FROM THE WOUND

7.1 Introduction

7.2 Factors that Can Complicate Bitterness Bleed From the Wound

7.2.1 Chronic Conditions and Medical Bills

7.3 The Thorn in the Flesh

7.4 Strategies to Let Bitterness Bleed From the Wound

7.5 Conclusion

Chapter 8 DEALING WITH LONELINESS, FEAR AND SEX

8.1 Introduction

8.2 Frustrations of The Death of a Spouse

8.3 Grieve Can Make You Experience New Worlds of Life

8.4 You Are Not Alone

8.5 When You Feel Alone, You are Disconnected

8.6 Dealing with Loneliness

8.7 Effects of Loneliness

8.8 Sexual Fantasies

8.9 Conclusion

Chapter 9 WHEN YOUR BEST IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH

9.1 Introduction

9.2 Mourning the Death of a spouse

9.3 Dealing With a Major Loss

9.4 Living with Grief

9.5 Widows and Widowers Feel the Same When Grieving

9.6 Widowed People and Social Life

9.7 Conclusion

Chapter 10 FINDING THE WAY BACK TO JOY

10.1 Introduction

10.2 Trust Issues

10.3 Overcoming Obstacles of Your Life

10.4 Death is a Fact of Life For All of Us

10.5 God Speaks to Your Situation

10.6 God Knows Your Grief

10.7 Obstacles Hinder Your Way Back to Joy

10.8 Conclusion

Chapter 11 CHILDREN DEALING WITH GRIEF

11.1 Introduction

11.2 Children and Grief

11.3 Helping Children to Grief

11.4 Help Your Child to Deal With the Loss

11.5 Children Dealing With Anger

11.6 Children Need Support When Grieving

11.7 Personal Experience—Children Dealing With Grief

11.8 Adults and Children Grief the Same Way

11.9 Conclusion

Chapter 12 KEEPING THE MEMORY ALIVE

12.1 Introduction

12.2 Dealing With Reality

12.3 Find a Safe Place in Your Heart For Your Spouse

12.4 Wedding Rings

12.5 Memory Books

12.6 Conclusion

Chapter 13 LETTING GO DOESN’T MEAN GIVING UP

13.1 Introduction

13.2 Let Go and Overcome Obstacles in Life

13.3 Consequences of Letting Go

13.3.1 Fear

13.3.2 People Will Change On You

13.3.3 God Will Work Through You

13.3.4 Face It

13.4 Why Me, God?

13.5 Fear of Failure

13.6 Trials Build Character

13.7 You are More Than a Conqueror

13.8 Letting go of Fear and Anger

13.9 Letting Go Makes a Life Worth Living

13.10 Conclusion

Chapter 14 THERE IS LIFE BEYOND WIDOWHOOD

14.1 Introduction

14.2 Never Give Up . . . Just Be Smart

14.3 Why Do People React Differently?

14.4 The Way People Respond To Grief

14.5 When Life Becomes More Than What You Can Handle

14.6 Conclusion

Chapter 15 LIFE IS NOT ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORMS TO PASS

15.1 Introduction

15.2 He Comes in The Face of Darkness

15.3 He Comes in The Face of Disaster

15.4 Storms of Can Change Life Your Situation

15.5 The Storms of Life Testify of His Person

15.6 Conclusion

Chapter 16 RECOVERY DOES NOT MEAN YOU WILL NOT FEEL PAIN AGAIN

16.1 Introduction

16.2 Raise Your Standard

16.3 Let Go of Your Past

16.4 The Lives of Two Women, Naomi and Ruth

16.4.1 Dealing With Trials and Tribulations

16.4.2 The Inevitability of Pains

16.4.3 Remember it is Your Pains That Make You Better

16.4.4 Remember That Pains and Hardships Won’t Last

16.4.5 Remember that You are Not Alone

16.4.6 Suffering, Pain and Hardships

16.5 Conclusion

Chapter 17 COME OUT OF THE VALLEY OF GRIEF AND CELEBRATE LIFE

17.1 Introduction

17.2 Back to Normal Life

17.3 Throwing Away The Belongings of Your Spouse

17.4 Be Strong it Will Be Well

17.5 Don’t Be a Friend to The Friend of Your Spouse

17.6 Scheduled Grieving Period

17.7 The Role of Relatives and Friends

17.8 Take Control Over the Valley of Grief and Celebrate Life

17.9 Conclusion

Chapter 18 RE-MARRIAGE AFTER THE DEATH OF YOUR SPOUSE

18.1 Introduction

18.2 Remarriage and Children

18.3 Widowed Person and Remarriage

18.4 Waiting Period Before You Remarry

18.5 Guidelines to Consider if You Are Remarrying

18.6 Sexually Compatible

18.7 Your Religious Beliefs

18.8 Living Arrangements

18.9 Management of Family Rituals and Holidays

18.10 Let Go and Move Forward With Your Life

18.11 Accommodate Grief—Related Episodes As They Occur.

18.12 Set The Boundaries

18.13 Conclusion

Chapter 19 EMBRACING LIFE AGAIN—A JOURNEY THROUGH GRIEF

19.1 Introduction

19.2 Trust upon God

19.3 You Can Overcome Grief

19.4 Letting in and Acknowledging Grief

19.5 Living With Grief

19.6 Forget the past

19.7 You Need A Spiritual Healing For Your Grief

19.8 Principles of Embrace Life Again

19.9 God Will Not Forget You

19.10 Conclusion

Chapter 20 BIBLICAL QUOTES THAT BRING COMFORT WHEN GRIEVING

20.1 Introduction

20.2 The God of The Bible is The God of The Broken-hearted

20.3 Conclusion

References

About the Author

To contact The Author

Publications by The Author

DVD’s and CD’s by The Author

The following are different categories of DVD’s and CD’s

Services Offered by the Author

Relationship and Marriage Enrichment Seminars

Premarital Workshops

Youth Empowerment Seminars

Widows and Widowers Seminars

Leadership Seminars

I Humbly Offer This Prayer For All Widows And Widowers Now . . .

In the Mighty name of Jesus-

Heavenly Father, for the person reading this right now, I pray that you would reach deep down within their soul, touch them and give them comfort. I pray that you to pour out your grace upon them. I pray that you would give them some relief from their pain and symptoms. I pray that they would find peace for their souls. I pray that they would find physical respite from their suffering, even if it’s just for a little while, so that they can continue on. If they are weary, I pray that they would find rest. If they are lonely, I that pray you’d bring people to share your love, compassion and to stand alongside them. I pray Lord, that you would provide for them financially. Please meet their needs that way. Lord, I know you love each one of us and that you want the best for us. If the person reading this is struggling with doubts of faith because of their adversity, I pray that you would speak to their heart. Show them the truth of your love for them. Bring someone into their life that will speak your words of truth, love and compassion to them, so they will know just how much you care for them. Help them see past their pain and their infirmity to find that fullness of joy that comes from you. Please meet their every need. Give them hope to carry on Lord . . . In Jesus name . . .

Amen

Dedication

In Loving Remembrance of

My Late Father Mr. Maduka Phineas Mavhunga 1921-1995

Whose Memory Will Never Fade With Time.

This timely and inspiring book is dedicated with love to my late father Mr. Maduka Phineas Mavhunga whom his wife, (my mother) Mrs. Thidziambi Mavhunga is missing a lot.

This book is also dedicated to all widows and widowers everywhere in the world who have devoted themselves to continue serving God in spite of the death of a spouse.

I pray for the Lord’s blessing to be upon you and your loved ones as you press on. One day we will have new, glorious bodies that will be free from pain. That is something to look forward to!

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4.

Acknowledgements

This book for widowed people would have not been possible without the support of many people throughout the last several years. It is extremely hard to do justice in expressing my gratitude in a few paragraphs, but I shall try.

First, I want to thank my family. To my dear husband, Dr. Aaron Ravhudzulo, thank you for all the extra hard work you have had to do to keep our family healthy and strong. Thank you for loving me and supporting me. None of this would have meaning if I did not have you beside me to share it with. To my children, Hangwani, Sarah, Hulisani, Thendo and Ndamulelo, thank you for the being there for me. To my two sweet granddaughters, Muanza-Zwivhuya and Mulondi, thank you for all of your hugs and kisses. I could not have made it without you.

My sincere gratitude goes to my late father Mr Phineas and my mother Mrs Esther Mavhunga for bringing me up in a wonderful way.

To Rev. James Mazwi, my spiritual father (a widower), it does not seem enough to thank you for the committed mentoring you have given me over the last 18 years. Many people have influenced me along my path, but you remain one of those people who has helped me in becoming more than I would have imagined.

Finally, I am thankful to each of the widows and widowers who participated in this study. For 7 years you have been my teachers, my mentors, my encouragement, and my friends. It was your stories that inspired me; it was your voices I wanted everyone to hear. What would I do without you?

To God the Almighty, without whose Love and Grace neither I nor this book would have been conceived.

Foreword

When someone we love dies, our whole world is knocked off balance. One of the most common and yet difficult feelings you experience is isolation. It seems no one understands what you are going through. And many of us are so busy, you don’t take the time to fully grieve and, therefore, heal from your losses. It is very true that people who are grieving often feel extremely tired because the process of grieving usually requires physical and emotional energy. The grief you are feeling is not just for the person who died, but also for the unfulfilled wishes and plans for the relationship with the person. Death often reminds most of the people of past losses or separations.

Remember, there are a number of conditions that can make it harder for you as a person to successfully make it through the grief process. For example, sudden losses are harder to deal with than ones that have been anticipated. With anticipated losses, the knowledge that a loss will occur allows people to prepare, both by feeling grief before the fact of the loss and also by planning ways to minimize the negative impact of the loss when it does occur.

The loss of a spouse, lover, child, parent, or best friend is usually more deeply felt than the loss of more distant relations and friends. This is because such central relationships have long and deeply felt histories and an intensity of attachment that does not occur with more distant relationships. Central relationships are more deeply and significantly knitted into the grieving person’s sense of self, and thus leave a bigger hole in the grieving person’s sense of self when they are lost.

I discovered that when things are going badly, whether in the family or work environment, most of us strive mightily to improve our situations. But what if the way to overcome a series of losses and failures is just to sink into them? We all go through trials and tribulations. Everyone has difficult situations in their life. It is the way we look at them, and the way we handle those situations. I believe it is the struggle we must endure to gain the strength needed to break through the barriers. With every victory comes the strength we need to overcome the obstacles and move forward.

Most people today give up easily because of what you may call emotional downturn. This book in your hand has been written and carefully thought out with you in mind. It has been written to bring you out of your sociological pit and emotional defeat. I therefore gladly recommend this book to your reading that you may be built in His grace. I believe that God will never give you more than you can handle. You often wonder how some people cope with their situations in life, I often hear people saying, I don’t think I could deal with that but we don’t know what strength lies within us, until the time comes to face the challenge. The harder the struggle, the sweeter the victory—No test, no rewards.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed 2 Corinthians 4:8-9.

Dr. Anniekie Ravhudzulo

Chapter 1

BACKGROUND OF THE BOOK

EMBRACING LIFE AGAIN

It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth—and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.—Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

1.1 Introduction

This book was born out of a research I conducted between 2004 and 2010. From the findings I realized that there is a need for a resource for widows and widowers. The key strength of the research was to bring together the diverse perspectives of widowed people from different social and cultural background on how they can embrace life again after the death of a spouse. In life there are those times in one’s life when God appears to be quite far, so unreal, so uncaring, so uncompassionate and, in fact, non-existent. At such times life looks very dark and hopeless that even waiting with hope also looks unrealistic.

It is a time when the doubts in our mind throw up questions like: "is there no end to these trials and tribulations? Is there no limit to all these afflictions? Is there any assurance that God knows every detail of what I am going through? Does God even understand how I feel? Can this darkness over my life ever lift away? Will my morning ever break with new hope and refreshing courage? Can I ever come out of this? How long is it going to take God? Grief, afflictions, obstacles and storms of life are God’s choice instruments employed to define, refine and shape His children into their true identity.

From the findings of the research I looked for a better alterative and wanting to be of service to widows and widowers. I began listening to the stories of widows and widowers, and not just investigating the case. As I was in the process of conducting a research study, my candidates began to teach me how they had suffered so many losses. Some would tell me about the stage of life they were in and how lonely they were. They would talk about friends not coming around anymore, because they had failing health themselves or because their friends were beginning to die. Some would talk about being the last living person in their family.

They would talk about brothers and sisters who had died, and they would describe the feeling of not knowing why they were still around. Many talked about things changing when their spouse died. They would talk about not caring anymore, not wanting to cook anymore, not enjoying life anymore, dealing with failing health, wanting to die, and feeling so very isolated. My candidates began teaching me how much had been lost and their fear was that someone was going to come in and take away their independence as well. They may not have had the finances to live the way they wanted or the physical ability to do the things that they once did in the past, but they could choose to stay in their own home, with their own things, surrounded by the things that reminded them of those people they had lost to death, next to the few remaining neighbors they knew. It was not that they were being difficult, it was not because they did not want help, but it was that they were fearful of the kind of help they might get, and they were clutching on to the very few things they could not bear to lose. They were grieving.

I would hear stories from my candidates that they were frustrated because family and friends did not know how to support them. They would talk about being disappointed that certain people on whom they were counting on to be supportive were those who ended up being absent. I also made an effort to interact with 27 children who are undergoing grief and I asked them how they talked about the death with their parents, and their response was, We don’t talk about this at home. Parents would admit that they did not know how to talk to their children, and assumed that their children were fine. Older widows would share stories of their adult children telling them that they needed to get over their grief. There was no permission for grief to openly be expressed; it seemed that this dynamic, therefore, contributed to the feelings of isolation shared by many grievers.

This book was designed to better understand the experiences of widows and widowers who are grieving the loss of their spouse. There is a group of 56 widowed people (35 are widows and 21 are widowers) that I empower on how to cope with grief on a monthly basis. During group sessions, as part of the support I give them, I request them to report through writing or individual interviews, their progress from the time of their spouse’s death and through the grieving process. This serves as a therapy which many in the group are recommend to as a tool help them let go and let God.

1.2 Purpose and Significance of the Study

To better understand the experiences of widows and widowers who joined widow to widower support group within my ministry Nothing Lasts Forever Ministries of Hope, that gives hope to the hopeless, courage to the discouraged and remind the rejected that there is life after hurt and it shall come to pass. This research study explored the meanings 56 widowed people attribute how they are coping with widowhood. The participants were asked to report on their experiences beginning around the time of their husband’s/wife’s death, continuing into their present situation. Participants were asked to write about these experiences or interviewed individually before they received the support and the experience that followed.

In many ways, the desire each widow expressed to be with other widows serves to support the findings in literature (Kirschling & Akers, 1986; Levy et al., 1993; Ogrodniczuk, Piper, Joyce, McCallum, & Rosie, 2002; van Baarsen et al., 2002). In bereavement research, there has been a realization of the need to further examine the role of social support in relationship to the experience of grief and to examine the social context of coping (Bradbeer, Hehne, Yong, Kendig, & Gibson, 2003).

The study compiled individual accounts of the widowed people’s understanding of what has been helpful within the widow-to-widower support group and their perception of the outcomes. Through the study I fully unfolded the understanding of the processes involved in becoming widowed, e.g., the feelings of isolation, the experiences of feeling disconnected, the process of seeking support, and how that process contributes to the re-experiencing of connectedness and adjustment after the death of a spouse.

1.3 Methods and Procedures

The methods utilized in the research arose from the research questions, How is the experience of having a husband/wife die carried on in story? What experiences lead widows and widowers to joining the Nothing Lasts Forever Ministries of Hope support group to seek support? What are the meanings widowed attribute to their grieving process? I selected a qualitative methodology, specifically an interpretive phenomenological approach, utilizing a standardized open-ended questionnaire, semi-structured interviews and qualitative analysis because of the value for research of questions that focus on meaning (Smith, 1995; Smith & Osborn, 2003).

1.4 Sampling and Participants

The aim of interpretive phenomenological research is to understand the subjective nature of the lived experience from the perspective of those who experience it by exploring the subjective meanings and explanations that they themselves attribute to those experiences (Smith & Dunworth, 2003). Additionally, interpretive phenomenological research emphasizes that the research exercise is a dynamic process with an active role for the researcher in that process (Smith & Osborn, 2003). It was necessary that all participants in this phenomenological study had experienced the phenomenon under investigation (Gubrium & Holstein, 1993). Thus, criterion-based purposeful sampling was used in the invitation to and selection of