Cindy and Steve: A Marriage Odyssey

By David W. Hinz

"Happily ever after" is fairy-tale stuff and rarely describes a marriage. Find out how Cindy and Steve managed to sustain theirs.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Mar 18, 2014
• ISBN: 9781490827698

David W. Hinz

Being a former marriage and family counselor, as well as pastor, this tale of a marriage odyssey has a background of many stories. It also suggests a “safe passage.” I live at a retirement community called Panorama in Lacey, Washington, a restful place after a twenty-two-year assignment in Japan as a missionary and service in Alaska as a pastor/counselor.

Book preview

ONE

STEVE AND CINDY’S MARRIED LIFE was picture perfect as they started out. They were head-over-heels in love. Every day brought new opportunities to discover something about the other. Their love-making was frequent and intense. At the end of every day they shared their experiences, feelings and thoughts. They couldn’t imagine being happier. They had no doubt that it would last forever.

But that’s the stuff of fairy tales.

About a year after they were married, Cindy informed Steve that she was pregnant. It was a time of great celebration. They looked forward to a family, and were delighted when a son, whom they named Justin, was born. This brought considerable changes into their lives. It didn’t diminish their love for each other, but did reduce the time that they were able to spend together. It wasn’t so simple to take trips to special places. Dinners out were reduced. Cindy was often too exhausted for love-making - and wasn’t sure if she wanted to risk having another child.

As a result, the times when Steve came home late from the office and they would have had a late dinner with candlelight and wine, became a thing of the past. He had to heat up something in the microwave and eat by himself in the den.

With the birth of their son, Justin, the Fontaines realized they needed a larger home. Steve wanted it to be in an upscale neighborhood. They were doing well financially, and what they had put away in savings from their double income enabled them to get a house with plenty of rooms, a nice yard with a swimming pool. It definitely was better than either of them had experienced as children. Cindy couldn’t have dreamed she would someday live in the house and neighborhood in which she now found herself. She even found herself driving a Mercedes. That reality set her considerably above the social level of her parents and relatives. She almost felt embarrassed when she visited her parents, driving up in her classy car. It didn’t bother them at all. They were happy for her.

After a couple of years, Justin was ready for pre-school, and Cindy, who had taken a leave-of-absence from her teaching position at the Montessori school, was eager to get back to work. She enjoyed motherhood, but enjoyed teaching even more. She decided that next to her son Justin, her children would be those in her classes. Many of those children needed special care, and Cindy had plenty of love to give. Though the house search and consequent move was exhausting, it brought new excitement to both of them. Cindy began to have more time and energy, and with Justin in the care of reliable baby-sitters, Steve and Cindy were able to re-connect and go places and eat out as they had done before Justin came along.

Steve did well in the business and moved up in the company in which he worked. With this came more responsibilities and longer hours at the office. Cindy’s re-involvement in teaching also meant that she had work to bring home. So, on many days their relationship was one of Hi and Bye as they went their separate ways. They tried to keep weekends for themselves. Their love-making became a habitual thing on Saturday mornings. Activities went like clock-work as the months went by.

When Justin entered junior high and high school their weekend entertainment became attending sports events in which Justin was involved. They were proud that Justin was well adapted in school, popular, and excelled in sports. Steve was a bit disappointed that Justin didn’t go out for football. He had when he was in high school and had missed his father being there to root for him. He wanted to root for Justin. But Justin, who did a good job of looking out for himself, decided he didn’t want to risk injury. He satisfied his competitive nature in basketball, baseball and track.

Steve went to as many meets as he could. Cindy was always on hand. She was one of those parents you could hear for miles hollering from the stands rooting for her son. Sometimes Steve felt a bit jealous of all the attention Cindy was giving Justin. He seemed to be coming out on the short end of her attention and affection. But then, he thought, she’s so proud of Justin. So was he.

Justin’s going off to Stanford University left a hole in their lives. Justin wasn’t that far away, but he could have been on the East Coast. The only times they saw him was when he came home on school vacations. Somehow, now that they could spend more time together, they didn’t. Trips to the beach, or to their favorite cabin in the mountains, things they had relished before, don’t entice them now. They had the desire, but somehow neither of them put their longings into words or actions. There were moments in the evenings as they sat by the pool with an after dinner drink they would surreptitiously look at each other wondering what was going on in the other’s mind. So different from the early days of their marriage when they couldn’t wait to share what they were thinking and feeling! Each, at some point, thought, What am I afraid of? Each had a solid commitment to the other, but what that commitment was based on, was nebulous. Certainly they had never discussed it. Love would have been an obvious answer, but they were even beginning to wonder what that word meant. Sure they had infrequent moments of love-making. But even that often seemed more like going through the motions than the passion for each other they had experienced early in their marriage. Maybe this is what marriage is for people who have been together for a long time, was Cindy’s conclusion. Yet that didn’t jive with what Cindy saw in the relationship between her mother and father. Her parents obviously were still in love.

As she was able from time to time to observe Steve’s parents, she wasn’t sure what kept them together. I hope Steve hasn’t fallen into their pattern of relating, was her earnest desire. As she looked over at Steve, she had no idea what he was thinking. An observer might ask, What’s keeping you from asking? Cindy had that thought herself. Problem is: she didn’t have an answer.

The atmosphere in their marriage at this point was something like the weather before a thunderstorm The air is still, muggy, oppressive. The sky is ominous and dark. Powerful forces are about to be unleashed.

What was each person made of? That’s something we need to discover before the storm breaks.

TWO

SO WHO ARE CINDY AND Steve? How did they get to the emotional impasse that threatens their marriage? It’s time to get better acquainted. We’ll return later and learn what they did to try and save their marriage.

Steve grew up in a family of five. He is a middle child. He has an older brother, James, and a younger sister, Amy.

Steve’s brother James is the one who got the attention and most affection from his father. In fact his father lived out all the things he had missed as a child through his eldest son. He coached James in sports. James got the accolades and trophies his dad never achieved. In fact part of their home was like a shrine showing off James’ trophies. James is the family hero.

Steve’s mother exists in the background, providing for her husband. She never rocks the boat - meaning, she never offers criticism or contradicts what her husband says or does. Steve sometimes felt his mother was rooting for him, but that she couldn’t do it overtly. His mother compensated for her inability to give Steve attention by doting on her daughter Amy. Amy is the delight of her mother. Whatever Amy wants she seems to get. She is the family queen.

Steve liked sports too and was athletic, but he didn’t get the encouragement and pointers that James got. Even though Steve made the A-squad on the High School football team, his dad never found the time to attend his games. Steve also made the swim team and took first place in District meets. Still, he received no special recognition when he brought home medals.

Steve got very few physical expressions of love from either parent. A slap on the back, a peck on the cheek was about it. He couldn’t remember his dad ever telling him he loved him. It was different with his mother. She showed her love with her touch and smiles of admiration. So Steve learned to kept his feelings to himself. He didn’t like feeling vulnerable.

Both of his parents, to their credit, provided an example of a solid work ethic. They expected him to do his chores at home. Summers were not as care-free for him as for other kids in his neighborhood. Though his dad found summer work for James, Steve had to get jobs on his own initiative. He developed a sense of being at the right place and at the right time for lawn mowing. He also kept his eyes open for other work possibilities. He developed a go to attitude in his approach to his clients for more extensive work around their homes. He learned that if he didn’t grab what was available he would miss out. Some of Steve’s friends thought he was greedy. But he simply made use of opportunities both for business and emotional gratification. In most of what he did, he had to be satisfied with whatever sense of personal gratification he achieved. He didn’t get many accolades at home.

A college education was expected in his family. Still, Steve wasn’t sure what he wanted to do with his life. Making money was a major objective, but in what capacity he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t civic minded. He only got involved in activities that had an advantage for himself. In college he took business-related courses. During his last two summers he fell into jobs with a real estate development company, helping with the upkeep of their properties. As graduation approached, the firm offered him an entry-level position with the possibility of advancement. He took it and did well.

When asked to define morality Steve’s answer was: As long as what I’m doing is not hurting anyone, or if I don’t blatantly take advantage of someone to their hurt, it’s OK. He recognized that dishonesty has various shades. If untruths don’t cause harm he didn’t consider that a problem. Falsifying documents, cooking the books, incomplete reporting to the IRS on tax returns - things like that - depend on circumstances and might be overlooked. But an egregious breaking of the law that would damage his reputation or bring calamity on his family are things he avoided. Steve thought that what he did at work would not affect his relations at home.

To Steve, Cindy is a rare find! She is everything he felt he isn’t. When he found Cindy and they finally got married, Steve had a sense he had at last become a whole person - which is a significant bit of information. Steve is faithful. He isn’t sure that his dad could say the same. But when Steve made his commitment to Cindy he meant it. To him, there is flirting, and there is flirting with an indecent intent. He knows where to draw the line. His faithfulness to Cindy however may be more for his benefit that hers.

He isn’t certain what Cindy’s needs are. He thinks that if he provides her with a nice home, makes sure she won’t have to worry about the future, and fulfills his marital obligations, he is being a model husband. He isn’t much for small talk. He thinks that if Cindy needs to talk she has close friends. He is proud of the fact that they don’t argue. He doesn’t realize that argument is impossible with him because when an issue of contention arises, he walks away. He learned that by watching his mother. He is oblivious to the fact that every time he walks away from an issue, he is causing a build-up of resentment in Cindy. If Steve doesn’t notice something, to him it doesn’t exist. Steve thinks he and Cindy have an ideal marriage.

THREE

THAT’S STEVE. NOW, LET’S GET acquainted with Cindy.

Cindy is special! Of course, not in the sense of a special needs person, though Cindy is very familiar with what those needs are because her younger sister, Angela, was born with Down’s syndrome.

Cindy is from a family of four. Her parents are hard working folks, probably considered to be of the lower middle class. Her dad, Norman, is a carpenter, working wherever he can find jobs. There were times when, due to the distance of the job, her dad would be gone during the week.

Cindy’s mom is a stay-at-home mother. That became even more the case after Angela was born. Cindy’s parents had wanted a larger family. But after Cindy’s birth, Cindy’s mom had trouble keeping a pregnancy to full term. There were several miscarriages. So Cindy was about 8 when Angela was born. Angela was their last child. Cindy had to take on a parenting role early on. Regina, her mother, couldn’t always care for Angela because a difficult pregnancy and the shock of the birth of a Down’s Syndrome child put her into a post-partem depression.

Despite their many problems Cindy’s family was close-knit with open expressions of care and love for each other. They would have liked to have had a higher standard of living, but the job market and medical bills kept them from improving their living conditions. Mind you, they were not poor, nor could their life be described as hand-to-mouth. But life was not easy.

Both Norman and Regina wanted their daughter Cindy to have a good education. They lived in a district that had good schools and highly qualified teachers. Cindy thrived in school. She was bright, willing, and had a hunger for learning. She also had a special skill for reading life situations. She was equally perceptive in reading people. She wasn’t at the top of her class but was well liked, and you could count on her to be involved in projects that benefitted others. She had a heart for people. Specially, for people she felt close to.

Graduating from high school posed a challenge for the family. Angela, of course, required a lot of care and attention. Regina was having less frequent bouts of depression, and was more in tune with the needs of a Down’s Syndrome child. The school district also had programs for special needs children in which Angela was enrolled. But the family was unable to afford sending Cindy to a good college. So she opted for the local Junior College, with the dream of completing her education later. Her major was Early Childhood Education. She worked hard, received an Associate’s Degree, and then while holding down a teaching position, eventually earned her Bachelor’s Degree with specialization in early childhood education.

During her studies, she became familiar with the Montessori system of education and it suited her. So with her degree in hand, as well as previous teaching experience in her resume, she applied for and got a position at a Montessori school in her community.

Her choice of Montessori says something about who Cindy is. Montessori offers this information about itself. Montessori classrooms provide a prepared environment where children are free to respond to their natural tendency to work. The children’s innate passion for learning is encouraged by giving them opportunities to engage in spontaneous, purposeful activities with the guidance of a trained adult. Through their work, the children develop concentration and joyful self-discipline. Within a framework of order, the children progress at their own pace and rhythm, according to their individual capabilities.

A teacher in this environment must be specially qualified. Certainly, the teacher must be well educated in fundamentals as well as in the techniques required for the Montessori approach to education. In addition the teacher must be alert, empathic, self-aware, a reader of body language, inquisitive, adaptable and perceptive to the needs of students. In general a teacher must have a good focus on love, kindness and good behavior. Cindy was well adapted for teaching in a Montessori school.

The school in which Cindy was teaching had a good reputation. Enrollment increased to the point that it needed to expand. Since its present location could not allow for expansion, Cindy became part of a search committee to identify a larger building or site where construction could accommodate their growth needs

FOUR

IT WAS IN THIS PROCESS that Cindy met Steve who was the agent of the Real Estate Company invested with the task of locating suitable property. Steve was knowledgeable, courteous, and driven to make sure his clients found what they needed. Another part of his motivation was to please this pert, sharp young woman whom he found irresistible. Up to this point, Steve had several women friends whom he dated, but none had really caught his eye. Marriage was not high on his priority list. Making money and getting ahead in his business was. Business was an ongoing Safari: Steve was always on the hunt to make a big transaction. But when he met Cindy, all of that took a back seat to the pursuit of this woman he wanted to make his wife.

They met as often as work responsibilities allowed. Steve could really turn on the charm. He was financially capable of showing her a good time. Cindy enjoyed places and activities that had been out of her reach. Steve didn’t drive the usual type of car. He liked imports. That was heady stuff for Cindy. She was also introduced to a Country Club life-style, certainly not something within her experience or finances. She noticed that Steve moved around in a social class quite superior to the one in which she had been raised. She saw the advantages. Though Steve recognized Cindy’s roots, and the neighborhood in which she had grown up, it didn’t bother him. He was able to socialize with people on her level as easily as he did with those they met at the Country Club. He endeared himself to her. It became obvious to both that they had no desire to date anyone else. Steve asked Cindy to marry him. She accepted. After a relatively short engagement, they were married.

Cindy was warmly accepted into Steve’s family by his mother. His father offered her a handshake. It made her wonder if Steve had come from this family. Sure enough though, Steve’s pictures were there, but always in the shadow of his brother. This gave her a different impression of Steve.

It was a new experience when Steve became a part of Cindy’s family. He found immediate warmth and acceptance. He was pleasantly surprised at the openness and warmth he felt from Cindy’s father. A far cry from the aloofness he felt from his own. He puzzled about how to relate to Angela. Sometimes Steve felt she had a wisdom and capacity for caring beyond anything he had ever experienced. Then again, her disability left him feeling a sense of disdain. That troubled him. But he was always amazed at the way Cindy related with Angela. He couldn’t imagine having someone like Angela in his family. He didn’t know how to relate to her.

FIVE

WHEN THEIR SON, JUSTIN, GRADUATED from Stanford he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. He had learned to be adaptable and worked at a variety of jobs while at Stanford. He majored in business with an emphasis on advertising. But like a lot of college graduates today, he decided to move back home until he could find a job.

It wasn’t too long after Justin moved back home that a possibility for employment opened up at Steve’s company. After dinner one evening, Steve asked Justin how his job search was coming along. Justin hadn’t been slack in looking for work. He recognized