No Sense of Humor: The Beginning

By Nick Morgan

The book entails the adventures of four men, each with their own style of humor. It includes countless tales of their pranks, talking pets, and a never ending way to out do the other. Written by a person who claims he has no sense of humor but actually displays humor in the rarest form. It also has a mystery for the reader to solve based on the adventures of the characters within the book, leading the reader to find out what is in store for these four brave souls as they continue their quest in winning the coveted trophy of practical jokes. It also combines a unique blend of humor as seen in relationships, complete with talking pets who are treated as family members and who have their own sense of humor.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Dec 26, 2012
• ISBN: 9781481700610

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© 2013 by Nick Morgan. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 12/18/2012

ISBN: 978-1-4817-0060-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4817-0061-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012923883

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Preface

How It All Started

Dating.Com

If Animals Could Talk

Life In Prison

Games R Us

Novelties For The Naive

Basic Training For Dogs

Marriage: No Way Out

Role Reversal

Turnabout Is Fair Play

The F Word

It’s All In The Cards

Only In A Dream

The Reunion

To The Hospital We Come

Judgment Day

The Who Done It

Murphy’s Law

PREFACE

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. If that is the case, where do men who have no sense of humor come from? Certainly they can be found in super markets, department stores, diners, and even gas stations. What kind of people are they? Are they ones who lack self confidence in their ability to use superficial one-liners to pick up women? Could they be those who have a sense of humor but pretend to avoid having one? Would famous quotes people say give them the right to say they possess a sense of humor? One can only imagine what a sense of humor is. Researchers have for many years spent endless hours and millions of dollars trying to determine what makes people laugh. Is it the quirky one-liner’s people say to get a laugh? Or is it something totally different?

Quite frankly, there is no set answer. It can range from the most bizarre comments made by ordinary folks, such as ourselves, or by famous comedians. There even are commercials and TV programs that attempt to show the humorous side of everyday life. What about dating? Is there such a dilemma as a person who would consider dating only someone with a sense of humor? Pets have been known to have a sense of humor. A society such as ours even use gag gifts from novelty stores in an attempt to bring humor into someone’s life. There are some who stand by the notion that a sense of humor is a requirement for marriage. The possibility of not developing a sense of humor could be an addiction. So why is it that so much emphasis is placed on one person making another person laugh? Sorry folks, I wish I could answer these questions, but as you, the reader, will soon discover, I myself do not have a sense of humor.

How It All Started

A long, long, very long time ago, when the birds were singing, the sun shone brightly through the window and all was well in the universe, I did indeed have a sense of humor. To be truthful, I had one but lost it in a poker game. Wait that was my virginity I lost. Never mind. That is a whole other story. I can save that part for my sequel to this book. Can anyone imagine what the title to that story would be? Even the headlines in a local newspaper would read "Man loses virginity in famous poker game. News at Eleven." Getting back on track, Friday evenings were always designated for Poker with three men who by far can find ways to stretch the imagination.

Allow me to introduce to you these unwilling participants. Keep in mind that each of these self-appointed humorists has his own blend of humor. I am not sure if they bought it or their wives gave them one. First up at bat is Rick. Rick is a fashionable dresser, and prides himself on experiencing life as the center of attention, whether this attention comes from telling jokes he reads in the newspaper or from endless stories he would tell regarding his life as a married man. He is the kind of person who loves the good life but needs his wife’s permission to attend our weekly gatherings. Nonetheless, Rick is very likeable and a devoted husband. His pride dictates his sense of humor. In fact, our circle of so-called degenerate beings would not be complete without Rick. Entering the scene is Marty. Marty is the youngest in the group who loves a practical joke, either on himself, or ones he would bestow upon others. He prides himself not only on playing practical jokes but also on telling us about the practical jokes he plays on his wife. When Marty was around, one had to provide a special chair for him to sit in. His back problems were attributed to his many lonely nights sleeping on the sofa. He has a dark sense of humor that sometimes borders on the sarcastic side.

Finally there is Harry. He is the oldest in our group, and repairs computers for a living. It’s hard to imagine Harry has a sense of humor. He is extremely shy, married a woman who reminds him of his mother, and thinks that telling jokes is a waste of time. According to Harry, his sense of humor is mysterious. We never know what Harry will say when the opportunity presents itself. However, we all love Harry. At the end of every Poker game, we all knew how much richer we would be. Not from his charm or from his wit, but from his wallet. Harry may be lousy at poker but he certainly has those qualities only his wife would find orderly.

So there you have it. The circle is complete; women and children are in bed, and the game is about to begin.

Poker nights with these three cynical yet popular gentlemen consist of bantering, over-exaggeration, and uncontrollable urges to outdo the other. Evenings with them are always unpredictable. After the usual pleasantries and several misguided notions of what we thought would be the correct amount of alcohol to consume, we proceeded to sit at the folding table to continue a tradition we had started several years ago. At one point, I found myself daydreaming, thinking of what it would be like to have a sense of humor like my comrades. Rick always picked the game. Seven-card stud, nothing wild, a game I found to be one that made my wallet very light at times. At some point my luck was bound to change. One night, as the cards unfolded, Rick dealt me a whopper of a hand, a high-straight. So I bet the pot. Rick and Harry dropped out, leaving myself and Marty to battle it out until the end. We were all patiently waiting to see what Marty was going to do. Most of the night Marty had been bluffing, and it seemed this was no exception. Suddenly, Marty went all in. Rick was chomping on a drumstick when it hit the floor. Harry was so stunned by Marty’s action that he froze in mid-sentence. To this day, we still cannot figure out the end to his story.

After what seemed like an eternity of silence and awe, Marty said to me "Let’s make it interesting. I said What do you mean? as a cracked smile came across my face. Everyone knew at this point Marty was going to come up with a side bet that would surely embarrass me in such a way I would want to hibernate should I lose. Let’s do this. If I win, you have to go to the local newspaper office on Monday and send in a small ad. In it, you will say how I have the best humor in the group and that you, my friend, have none. Here I was looking at my straight with a chance finally to beat Marty at his own game, and score a long-awaited victory. I started to day dream again, of what it finally would be like to have that elusive sense of humor. You’re on." I said as I confidently displayed my cards. Rick and Harry both applauded. They looked at my cards, realized I had won, and then both gave me the congratulatory pat on the back ever so deserved. Then, in a brief moment, the earth stood still. Without a whisper, Rick displayed his cards one at a time. My so-called victory soon turned into something that one could only imagine would come out of the Twilight Zone. Our smiles turned to frozen stares as we looked at a full house.

It took several cups of coffee the next morning to make me realize what had happened the night before. A lifetime chance to get back at Marty for those agonizing practical jokes he played on us, and I had blown it. Still feeling a bit woozy from the effects of my overindulgence with Jack Daniels, I took the opportunity to honor my bet. I was reading the newspaper to see how much it would cost to run an ad. By my third cup of coffee, I saw a special ad a department store was running. They were selling sense of humors at a special price of $9.99 with tax. I thought this was the answer I was waiting for. A blue light special!! How could one pass that up?

After several attempts to put my pants on the right way, I finally made it out the door. When I got to the store, I found the section where the special was advertised. Lo and behold, they were sold out. I asked the young lady at the counter about the special, and whether they were going to get more of those sense of humors in soon. She said "Not for a while sir, but we can give you a rain-check. Super. Just super! That’s all I needed. This store calling me back someday, and saying Sir, the sense of humor you ordered is ready for pickup." Speaking of take-out service. If I wanted take-out, I would order pizza from Father John’s. What if the department store called on a Friday night during one of our poker games? Embarrassment would be the least of my worries if Marty answered the phone. Can you imagine the ammunition that would give him? It would force me to change my name protect the humorless.

On the drive home I was thinking about where a person could buy or even rent a sense of humor. After my unsuccessful trip to the store, I was a little frustrated so I took Sophie, my golden retriever, out for a walk. When we got home, I gave her a treat but noticed it was the last one. Sophie was anxious for more so we went to Pet Smart, her favorite place to shop. Searching for the right treats to get her, we came across an aisle that had pet sense of humors for sale. You have got to be kidding me. Pet sense of humors. What will pet stores think of next? Unsurprisingly, I did buy the CD. I don’t know why considering Sophie has a sense of humor. After all, she has me for her owner. Seems we were both happy when we walked out of the store, Sophie with her box of treats, a chew toy, a very large milk bone, and a sense of humor CD for me.

As soon as we got home, Sophie could not wait to get her mitts on that milk bone. I know what you are thinking. The delicious milk bone she had been craving was used to distract her so I could listen to the CD. You have to admit, it did work. The label I was reading on the CD said it came with a guarantee: A two-hour guide to developing a sense of humor for your beloved pet, or your money cheerfully refunded. When someone has to give you money back, that person is never cheerful. Before I opened the CD, I lost a moment gazing at Sophie as she distractingly made a humorous attempt to scratch her own back by wiggling on the carpet with her paws in the air. Sophie did not have a sense of humor when I first got her from an animal shelter. In fact, the people at the animal shelter had advertised that Sophie came with a sense of humor. By the fifth month, I wanted to return her to the animal shelter. When I got there, I explained my situation to the crew. At that point, one could hear a pin drop. Even the dogs and cats in the kennels were quiet. Suddenly, the staff broke out in uncontrollable laughter. Pondering back at that embarrassing moment, I finally opened the CD. Sitting comfortably on my sofa, ear-phones inserted, and Sophie with her beloved milk bone, I sipped on an ice cold beer listening to the CD. It took about 30 minutes, and I found myself in dreamland.

When I woke from my nap, I thought everything was fine. Then several hours later a strange craving for dog biscuits made my mouth water with anticipation. Seems a sense of humor for dogs is