No Sense of Humor: Next Generation

By Nick Morgan

Once again, the Author uses his vivid imagination to capture the heroic and humorous exploits of his famed characters. You will see for the 6th time that the Author uses the unique personalities of his subjects to capture visionary excellence. From the formation of the Canine Mafia to Canines and Martians, the author will surely convince you that his sense of humor is only in your imagination. The next generation of pets will serve as a stepping stone for future adventures.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 14, 2013
• ISBN: 9781493126354

Book preview

Copyright © 2013 by Nick Morgan.

ISBN:                        Softcover                     978-1-4931-2634-7

                                  eBook                          978-1-4931-2635-4

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Rev. date: 11/11/2013

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris LLC

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

142312

Contents

1.   Preface

2.   List of Characters

3.   The Author Returns Home: Finally

4.   Banking for Canines

5.   The Disputed Contract

6.   The Canine Mafia

7.   Amy’s Capture: The Final Showdown

8.   Training the Protégé’s: Return to Camp Paws

9.   To The White House They Come

10.   The Bedtime Story

11.   The Pool Party: A Murder Mystery

12.   That’s What Dreams Are Made Of

13.   Canines and Martians

14.   Solving The Mystery: A Continuing Tradition

PREFACE

V ACATIONS TEND TO be an awesome way to relieve stress, especially if they are prank free. Mine was just that until I returned home and found numerous notes posted to my front door. It was amazing to see what my dear-old companions had been up to as the messages had portrayed their so-called sense of humor. Even Tom and Ralph posted notes with their version of humor just to make sure I had not forgotten about them.

I shook my head as I thought of that old phrase What was I Thinking when I called the gang to let them know I had returned from my vacation. Marty couldn’t wait to hear about the trip to the lake on our next poker night. Ralph was just as excited as he clearly stated that the story-line for this book would be one that he feels would give him the edge on his competition. I had sent Ralph a copy of the story-line about a few days before I returned home.

The ladies were equally excited when they found out about the new additions to the family. Cindy was pleased when she found out that Amy had a new arch-rival. Harriett at first had a hard time letting Cassandra in on the pranks with the pet characters. Thanks to Harry and lots of flowers, she decided to give it a trial run. One can only sense what our first meeting will be like. Even with the addition of new characters and the return of others, you will see once again that I still don’t have a sense of humor.

LIST OF CHARACTERS

Author: Narrator of so-called No Sense of Humor stories. Single. Has everyone brain-washed into believing he is sweet and innocent when it comes to pranks. Was disqualified from previous title-quest. Pet owner to Sophie. Taught all pets how to talk prior to release of first book. Is no longer seeing a therapist. Second oldest in group of degenerates. Hasn’t collected restraining orders since first book. Wears black baseball-cap with the initials N.S.O.H in white (No Sense of Humor). Has Ralph as Publisher. Favorite Music: Country. Favorite Show: NCIS.

Marty: Ultimate prankster. One of Author’s weekly poker buddies. Author’s best friend. Has father who is into novelty business. Married to Cindy. Former pet owner to Ralph. Youngest in group of adolescent men. Former title-holder to Best Male Story-Teller. Currently employed as a marriage counselor to a local university. Favorite Music: Jazz.

Rick: Another one of Author’s poker buddies. Always well dressed. Memorizes jokes he reads in newspapers. Formerly married to Jill. Former pet owner to Lulu. Has six dating profiles on-line. Returned home from California. Wants to date ex-wife. Employment status: Used car salesman. Favorite music: jazz.

Harry: One of Author’s weekly poker buddies. Oldest in group. Married to Harriett. Current title-holder of Best Male Story-Teller. Former computer repairman, now retired. Does not smile or crack jokes. Former pet owner to Mr. High Pockets. Lousy at playing poker. Adopted a temporary sense of humor. Favorite Music: None.

Harry Sr.: Eve’s husband, Harry junior’s father. Always wears stretchy pants. Retired veteran. Now likes talking pets. Claims Author is still a nut job. Constantly pesters Author for story-line. Newest member to group. Has no sense of humor. Favorite Music: Jazz.

Jill: Former wife of Rick. Came from wealthy family. Extremely prissy. Has no sense of humor. Fetishes: Cell-phones and shoes. Returned from a jungle safari with her mother. Could easily have been kidnapped by local tribesmen. Favorite music: Unknown. Has started campaign to capture Ben for stealing cell-phone. Favorite Colors: Pink and Purple.

Cindy: Beloved wife to Marty. Works for an ad agency. Proud mother of twins. Former title-holder of Best Female Story-Teller. Sells home-made products on website. Favorite Music: Pop.

Harriett: Beloved wife to Harry. Looks like Harry’s mother. Current title-holder of Best Female Story-Teller. Does home sewing projects. Proud owner of Daisy Mae. Proud mother of Cassandra. Current employment status: Housewife. Has a sense of humor only when given large amounts of alcohol. No longer addicted to Strip-O-Grams. Favorite Music: None.

Nurse Bertha: Former resident of the Soviet Union. Currently works in USA at a local children’s hospital as a nurse. Permanent contract. Former Olympian. Won bronze medal in shot-put event. Brunt of a Marty prank. Signature move: Wearing latex gloves. Favorite hobby: Examining patients. Wears false teeth. Now attends dance class with Sophie once a week. Shops at Victoria’s Secrets.

Brenda: Publishing Assistant. Former FBI agent and former employee of Elizabeth. Came from wealthy family. Used raises she received from Author to buy new Rolls Royce. Had diet change in fourth book. Had another diet change in fifth book. Favorite Music: Rock & Roll.

Eve: Beloved wife to Harry Sr. Wonderful cook. Extremely outspoken. Tries to teach her husband how to play the piano. Loves Author for title-quests. Proud grandparent of Cassandra. Begs Author to allow Harry Sr. to attend weekly poker nights. Favorite Music: The Opera.

Amy: Enemy to all adult female characters. Released from prison. On parole. Re-acquainted with Fluffy and Duffy. Brains behind Cat Mafia. Former Victoria’s Secret Model. Vows revenge against Author. Has new arch-rival. Owns dog house formerly owned by Ralph. Holder of Tom and Ralph’s employment contract.

Anna: Former Russian model. New arch-rival to Amy. Organized new Canine Mafia. Works at a local bank. Has major crush on Author. Can speak four languages. Initially interviewed by Brenda for bookkeeping job at Paws R Us. Favorite Music: Country. Attends square-dancing classes with Sophie. No relation to Nurse Bertha. Drinks tea only. Was given N.S.O.H. t-shirt as welcome gift from Author. Assisted Author in forming new Canine Mafia.

Bartholomew Thornton III: Bank Manager to Bank of Canines. Loves cats. Eats Chex-mix for dinner. Has secret crush on Anna. Ex-wife is a former pro-wrestler. Has no Children. Basket weaves in spare time. Lives with his mother.

Cassandra: Beloved daughter to Harriet and Harry. Learned to pull pranks on unsuspecting adults. Was trained secretly by Harriett. Wants a story-line with Ruby. Favorite Drink: Chocolate Milk.

Ralph: Canine: Dalmatian. Former pet of Cindy and Marty. Married to Mary Ann. Proud father to a litter of 8. Owns Paws R Us Publishing Company, now has two clients. Went back to driving red dog-mobile shaped like a fire hydrant. Employment History: Busboy, Waiter, DEA agent. Self-trained in performing pranks. Finally paid off Credit Card debt to Marty and Author. Favorite food: Chinese. Sold convertible to Tom. Tom’s new best friend. Opened novelty store with Tom. Assists Tom in writing autobiography.

Sophie: Canine: Golden Retriever. Beloved pet of Author. Spends spare time updating Facebook page. Took dictation for first book. Hired secretary to take dictation for second book. Assisted Author in writing third book. Was hired for two feature stories for fourth book. Fired from two jobs in fifth book. Has major crush on Jack: her new love interest. Ralph’s former girlfriend. Kept Girl Scout uniform for next Halloween party. Attends weekly square-dancing classes. Still sunbathes on balcony. Favorite Snack: Cheese Puffs. Favorite Show: Law and Order.

Mr. High Pockets: Canine: Jack Russell Terrier. Nickname: The Yapper. Former pet of Harry. Graduate of Camp Paws. Former employee of Camp Paws. Fired from two jobs in last book. Currently unemployed. Used to drive motor scooter, stolen by cats. Assisted FBI in special training program. Applied for a position with the new Canine Mafia. Favorite food: Beans and Wieners. Favorite Snack: Daisy Mae. Favorite Drink: Beer. Favorite Movie: Kelly’s Heroes.

Pixy and Dixy: Canines: Doberman’s. Favorite snack: Cheeseburgers. Former neighbor to Rick: anxiously awaiting his return. Does part-time work for Ralph and Mary Ann. Filed bankruptcy on donut shop. Enjoys reading classic novels. Background: Confidential. Proficient with firearms. Favorite Drink: Coffee. Favorite Movies: Gone with the Wind, Men in Black.

Tom: Male cat: Siamese. Ralph’s former arch-enemy, now best friends. Former leader of Cat Mafia. Went clean after meeting Penny. Owns pet store sponsored by Ralph. Ralph’s new business partner. Married Penny in secret ceremony. Brother to Samantha. Hobby: Pottery. Created statue of self. Favorite Food: Spinach. Favorite Movie: Cats and Dogs.

Ruby: Canine. Dalmatian. Only female pup to Ralph and Mary Ann. Graduate of Prankster School for Pups. Gets paid in doggie coupons for doing research on novelties for Author. Now attends co-ed school with cats. Only available on weekends for stories. Current title-holder to top Pet Prankster trophy. Dubbed new queen of pranks by Harriett.

Mary Ann: Canine. Collie. Beloved wife to Ralph. Runs publishing business with Ralph. Attends weekly shopping trips with Bertha and Cindy to Victoria’s Secrets. Best friend to Penny.

Samantha: Female Cat. Siamese. Tom’s sister. Former FBI Informant, turned FBI agent. Has heated rivalry with brother. Currently works undercover at local airport. Took over fraud division of the FBI. Former supervisor to Mr. High Pocket’s. Fantasizes about dating Ralph. Favorite Food: Pizza.

Penny: Female Cat. Siamese. Tom’s new wife. Made him go straight. Works with Tom at pet store. Former Cat Model. Favorite Music: Classical. Favorite Drink: Coffee.

Jack: Canine. Yellow Lab. FBI agent. Trained by Samantha. Works under cover at local bank. Sophie’s new love interest. Has dry sense of humor. Computer Geek. Favorite Music: Opera.

Lilly: Cat. Female. Mixed Breed. Origins unknown. Rescued from animal shelter by Tom and Ralph. Adopted sister to Bruce. Enrolled in training program for pranks. Groomed to take over novelty store with Bruce. Chases anything with strings attached. Favorite Food: Nachos.

Bruce: Canine. Male. Mixed Breed. Origins unknown. Rescued from animal shelter by Tom and Ralph. Adopted brother to Lilly. Also groomed to take over family business. Applied for job with Canine Mafia. Favorite Chew Toy: Tennis Ball.

Molly: Canine. Female. Golden Retriever. Works as undercover agent at local bank. Quit FBI after banking story for position in Canine Mafia. Hates cheese puffs. Barks as much as Mr. High Pockets. Takes dancing lessons with Sophie. Sophie’s new best friend.

Butch: Canine: Male. English bulldog. Former DJ to a radio station. Had Moved to England to become a stand-up comic. Returned to United States to join Canine Mafia. Can pass as Nani’s twin Brother. Favorite Movie: Aliens. Favorite Drink: Tea.

Nani: Canine. Female. English bulldog. Former pet of Anna. Played professional soccer in Soviet Union. Competed against Steve in World Cup Finals Match. Has lucky Rabbit’s foot attached to collar. Lived in Soviet Union since birth. Was sent to the United States to join Canine Mafia. Nick Name: No-No Nani. Secret Fetish: Sleeps with stuffed cat named Boo Boo. Hates taking baths.

Steve: Canine. Beagle. Male. Old High School friend of Ralphs. Former professional soccer player. Currently a Florist. Fully recovered from soccer injury. Former competitor to Nani. Applied for position with Canine Mafia. Favorite Snack: Pretzels.

THE AUTHOR RETURNS HOME

Finally

I T FELT REALLY good to be home and start on my next venture. Like I said before, vacations are nice if one needs time away to un-stress or just relax. Even though I enjoyed my time at the lake with Sophie, home was where I wanted to be. It meant tradition. Tradition in the sense that I was able to look forward to carrying on a tradition started long ago with my faithful group of friends. One doesn’t realize how important they are until you spend time apart. For me, this was one of those times. Maybe everyone else was anxious to see what lies for them in the upcoming story-line. For me, I was anxious to get back to work. Sophie couldn’t wait to update her Facebook page. She spent hours on her laptop answering messages as soon as we unpacked from our trip.

Just as I was about to relax, Cindy called and informed me of the homecoming party she was having that evening. After our conversation, I could tell that Cindy had an ulterior motive for inviting me to the party. Seems that she was still smarting from the last incident with Amy and wanted to make sure I had a cure for her problem. Despite her concerns, Cindy did make it a point to welcome me home and was anxious to see all of us together for a night of friendly bantering. To add to the evening, I told Cindy that I had a surprise for the gang. I couldn’t wait to see the look on everyone’s faces when Rick and Jill would show up at the party.

Just as I pulled a cold beer from the refrigerator, Brenda called. She couldn’t wait to fill me in on her endeavors and of her latest find. Brenda asked me if she could come over so that we could discuss the changes to the manuscript. She even told me that she had an offer I couldn’t refuse. Even though I wanted to rest before the party, I told Brenda that I would meet her for lunch at my favorite restaurant. As I was changing, Sophie asked me what the conversation was about. I told her that Brenda had a few ideas on a new story-line and wanted to fill me in on it before the party. When I told her where I was meeting Brenda for lunch, Sophie asked if she could tag along. Of course I told her no and jokingly said to her "You do remember I gave up restraining orders, right?" Sulking, she went back to her computer. There was no telling what she was posting on her Facebook page.

When I arrived at the restaurant, Brenda was already seated. To my surprise, a very attractive woman was sitting with her. I was almost star-strucked when she introduced us. This woman’s smile almost made me forget the reason why I was meeting with Brenda. Brenda introduced her friend Anna as the new bookkeeper for Paws R Us. She informed me that Anna would be working for us part-time and that she also had a job at the local bank. According to Brenda, that was the good news. She didn’t hesitate to put