What Do We Do?: Questions on Psychology and Education for Parents

By Michael K. Smith and Kathryn R Smith

How do children develop emotional intelligence? How do parents improve their ability to relate to others? How can parents and children think more creatively?
What Do We Do? Questions on Psychology and Education for Parents addresses these questions and many more with insightful and entertaining articles. Dr. Michael K. Smith, an educational psychologist, and Dr. Kathryn R. Smith, a forensic psychologist, bring different perspectives to these issues of parenting and education. These articles will help parents answer questions about how to parent, how to improve relationships, and how to deal with change.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Aug 4, 2015
• ISBN: 9781504926706

Michael K. Smith

Michael K. Smith received his Ph.D. in Psychology from the University of Tennessee-Knoxville in 1984. Dr. Smith has authored numerous articles and books. His book, Humble Pi: The Role Mathematics Should Play in American Education (1992), was featured on CNN. He is also the author of Playing Fast and Loose: Match Wits with the Author and Guess the Origin of Common Idioms (2013). Kathryn R. Smith received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Tennessee-Knoxville in 1998. She is a licensed Psychologist and Certified Forensic Examiner in Tennessee. She is also President of the Knoxville Area Psychological Association (2015-2016).

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© 2015 Michael K. Smith. All rights reserved.

Author Photos by Kasandra Atwood

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 07/31/2015

ISBN: 978-1-5049-2671-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5049-2670-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015912292

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Introduction

Overture

The art of apology

Gray mice think alike

What do children need to learn to take care of themselves as adults?

Fostering pro-social adolescent development

Making the decision to get help

Helping your child develop competence in adaptive functioning

Stress management: Not just for adults

The psychological benefits of exercise

Preventing teenage alcohol and drug problems

How do we help children develop emotional intelligence?

Fostering emotional intelligence in children

Attitude of gratitude

Helping your child cope with disappointment

The gift of courage

Helping your introverted child blossom

Helping your teenager survive transitions

What’s love got to do with it?

An inside look at Inside Out

It’s all right to cry

How do we improve our ability to relate to others?

Promoting positive sibling relationships

Stop the bullying

Issue with your teacher? Take an active approach

Helping your child make amends

Hallmark moments

How can being a parent help you grow?

Psychological healing for parents

One size fits one: Use your creativity to help your child

The God Box

Stop the yelling

Growth opportunities for parents of overnight campers

The dos and don’ts of sports parenting

Moving on from an injury

Why should we read books?

Deciding to read more

Climbing into reading

The creative role of reading fiction

Reading books for fun

How a sixth grade reading list can help your child get into college

How can education be improved?

The dream of girls’ education

A different mirror, an equal education

A creative change to the school day

Can our schools promote healthy minds, bodies, and spirits?

The educational benefits of summer camp

Staying after-school at Pond Gap

Thinking globally at West High School

The art of teaching

Why do teenagers have to take the ACT or SAT?

Look at what’s changing: The SAT college admissions test

How educational are educational apps?

Teaching tolerance

Can parents continue to learn?

How the classical guitar changed my life

Writing haiku

Adults learning a musical instrument: Is it too late?

Get MOOCed!

Fear and confidence in public speaking

My own ten rules for healthy living

How can parents and children think more creatively?

Shouldn’t politics be like math?

The gift of discipline

Is joining Facebook logical?

Free speech, creativity, and the revolution in videos, books, and apps

Why we secretly love tests

Minding our mindsets

Thinking like a historian

About the Authors

Introduction

We are both psychologists: Kathryn has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology and Michael a Ph.D. in Experimental Psychology. We are the parents of two boys, aged twelve and fifteen. Three years ago, Knoxville Parent magazine and its publishers, Eva Nations and Michael Kull, asked each of us to write articles for the local community. We brought different perspectives to issues of parenting and education. Kathryn has been a psychotherapist in private practice, psychological examiner, and forensic psychologist. Michael has taught at the university level, consulted on assessment and testing projects, and operated a test preparation company. What has remained constant, though, is our commitment to asking each other questions about how to parent, how to improve our relationships, and how to deal with change. This book is a collection of articles written over the past three years addressing the various questions that we have posed to each other.

We have grouped our articles under these questions: How do we help children develop emotional intelligence? What do children need to learn to take care of themselves as adults? How do we improve our ability to relate to others? How can being a parent help you grow? Why should we read books? How can education be improved? Can parents continue to learn? How can parents and children think more creatively?

We ask our readers to select a question and then explore the various articles that address different aspects of the question. We do not claim to provide definitive answers, but we hope that readers will find our discussions thought provoking and perhaps addressing issues in their own lives.

We have placed two of our articles, The art of apology and Gray mice think alike, at the beginning in a section entitled Overture. These two articles set the tone for the rest of the book. The first article discusses how well-crafted apologies can lead to psychological growth for parents and children. The second article highlights cognitive biases that can be overcome with various educational strategies.

We would like to thank the new publishers of Knoxville Parent, Adam and Samantha Kalwas, for their continuing support. We would also like to thank our two sons, Walker and Wyatt, for providing inspiration for many of our articles.

Overture

The art of apology

By the time we were in preschool, most of us had learned the importance of apologizing after hurting someone. By kindergarten, we had likely given (at the behest of our parents and teachers) and received countless apologies for a variety of offenses. We were taught a simple formula: Mary, I’m sorry I said your dress was ugly or Timmy, I’m sorry I tripped you on the playground. If we were truthful, these formulaic and often perfunctory apologies were not very satisfying, especially on the receiving end. A well-crafted apology that combines empathy and insight, however, can be gratifying to give and to receive.

The meaning of the word apology has evolved a great deal since its first appearance in the English language in the sixteenth century. Originally, an apology was a defense of one’s own conduct or opinions. This meaning comes directly from the Greek apologia, to speak in one’s defense. Eventually, apology evolved to its present use—a statement to acknowledge an offense and to express regret. The original meaning emphasized insight into one’s motives and the present day meaning emphasizes empathy for the feelings of others. By combining the two meanings, it is possible to craft an apology that both empathically acknowledges an offense but also provides a helpful explanation of why the offense occurred. What follows is an illustration of this kind of apology.

After I got married, I showed my wedding pictures to a friend who had attended the wedding. With a skeptical expression, she asked, Are you happy with the way these turned out? It was clear she thought the pictures were terrible, and I felt hurt and embarrassed. Sometime later, I received a phone call from her. She said, I want to apologize for what I said to you when I was looking at your wedding pictures. I know that I hurt you, and I’m sorry. The pictures were great. I just wasn’t in a very good place myself because of my divorce, and it was hard to see you so happy; unfortunately, I took my unhappiness out on you. My friend’s expression of regret was followed by an explanation of the basis for her offending behavior. In her apology, my friend offered a combination of empathy for my hurt feelings and insight into her motives that helped me understand why she been uncharacteristically hurtful.

When such apologies that combine empathy and insight are offered by parents to children, the parent-child relationship becomes more positive and resilient. As an example of a situation that would warrant an apology, suppose a mother and son have agreed that the son will assume responsibility for meeting his school project deadlines. This agreement seems logical for several reasons. The mother is weary of keeping track of the boy’s deadlines and the son is tired of being nagged about his work. Both agree that he is old enough and likely mature enough to adopt this responsibility. Suppose further that the arrangement starts out well, but soon the mother begins to check in regarding her son’s projects to see how much work he has done and how he plans to complete the work, asking questions and probing for details. At this point, the son would probably show feelings of hurt or even anger at the violation of their agreement.

I hope that the mother in this case will recognize her son’s feelings and be able to identify the basis in her behavior for his feelings. At this point, she could say, I’m sorry for bugging you about your work after I promised to leave it all to you. For a truly effective apology, though, she will engage in self-examination to determine why she behaved as she did. Once armed with self-awareness, the mother will be ready to apologize with both empathy and insight: Son, I’m so sorry I breached our contract. It has been harder than I realized to let go of control and allow you to be in charge of yourself. My anxiety got the best of me. I promise to try to manage my anxiety more effectively in the future.

A well-crafted apology reveals true psychological growth: expanded empathy for the feelings of others combined with increased insight into the actions of the self.

Gray mice think alike

One evening, my wife asked my oldest son and me a question about space exploration. Spontaneously, we both replied with exactly the same answer. Smiling, we looked at each other and repeated a common proverb. My youngest son stared at us and said, What? Gray Mice Think Alike? We laughed because the proverb was Great Minds Think Alike. My youngest son had misheard us, but his mind changed the phrase to what he thought he heard. As we left him, he was still puzzling over what gray mice think about.

We often change unknown information to what we know. This is a natural process of the mind. For instance, we can often fill in the gaps in the dropped signals of cell phone calls by inferring what a person most likely said. A more interesting example of this phenomenon, however, is called confirmation bias. We use confirmation bias when we seek out evidence to support our beliefs and theories (and ignore evidence that doesn’t support it). Alternatively, confirmation bias can occur when we interpret ambiguous evidence as supporting our position.

My wife and I often disagree about what movies to watch. I wanted to see The Avengers; she didn’t. I quoted her part of the New York Times review of the movie: "The Avengers is not without its pleasures. Written and directed by Joss Whedon, this movie revels in the individuality of its mighty, mythical characters…The best scenes are not the overblown, skull-assaulting action sequences but the moments in between, when the assembled heroes have the opportunity to brag, banter, flirt and bicker. See, I said, this critic notes the pleasures of this movie and the great characters. Look, my wife said, he also says it’s ‘overblown and skull-assaulting’. But, I said, You liked Thor. Yes, she replied, but I hated Battleship."

We could go on for hours. I would marshal evidence that supports my position, while she could equally bring to bear evidence that supports her. This example may seem trivial because there is no objective truth about whether The Avengers is a good movie. It’s her opinion against mine. However, there are numerous examples in which confirmation bias has had a tremendous impact.

Consider Galileo. With his newly invented telescope, Galileo could easily provide evidence for sunspots, moons