Redirecting Children's Behavior: Effective Discipline for Creating Connection and Cooperation

By Kathryn J. Kvols

"The best, most useful book on parenting I've ever read." —Jack Canfield, author of Chicken Soup for the Soul

Parents are looking for alternatives to rewarding, nagging, threatening, and taking away privileges. Redirecting Children's Behavior is their comprehensive guide to creating a family life that is close, cooperative, and respectful.

Guiding parents of children from 18 months to 18 years, author and expert Kathryn J. Kvols provides:

• How to establish and maintain a growth mindset.
• Tips to help you and your child manage emotions effectively.
• Steps to set clear limits and follow through.
• How to move beyond using consequences to implement change.
• New ways to enhance the parent/child connection through even the most difficult altercations.
• And much more!

Based on more than thirty years of experience teaching parenting courses, Redirecting Children's Behavior is filled with real-life examples from thousands of parents and professionals using these principles.

The tools are easy, practical, and can be implemented immediately to create the family life you want and deserve.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Chicago Review Press
• Release date: Jul 12, 2022
• ISBN: 9781641607636

Book preview

Foreword

What we know and believe about children and families has changed dramatically in the last twenty-five years. Parents, teachers, and coaches recall the good old days when you could tell kids to do something and they jumped and did it. Kids today, on the other hand, are requesting respect and democracy, especially in the autocracies that control their homes, classrooms, and athletic fields. The result is confusion and power struggles with parents and professionals, and often, we don’t know why we’re struggling.

If you step back and look at the progress we’ve made in understanding children, it’s astonishing how far we’ve come in the last quarter of a century. It was not until the late 1960s and early 1970s, through the work of Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and others, that we became aware that infants could see, hear, feel, and actively contribute to their relationships with their parents. How magnificent! With this finding, we began to view children, even at the beginning of their lives, as participants in the family process. Children have become powerful, emphatic collaborators to be respected rather than clay for us to mold and control. It’s no wonder that many of us have experienced confusion and chaos.

So here is Kathryn Kvols’s book, Redirecting Children’s Behavior, offering us the tools we need to develop the closeness with our children and families that we want so very much. Kathryn believes, as I do, that every person is born whole, perfect, and connected to everyone and everything. Through experiences as children, with parents, siblings, and others, we are socialized and wounded in ways that cause us to lose our awareness of the connections with others. This book offers us the means to reconnect. It provides the framework and process for parenting so that we learn to relate to children in a way that supports their development, creating adults who feel whole and free and able to experience closeness and intimacy with others.

—Timothy J. Jordan, MD

Introduction

There is no love in hurry.

—MOTHER THERESA

It was early. I hadn’t finished packing yet for a keynote presentation to a group of some four hundred participants. I was hurrying everyone around me. I needed to drop off my nine-year-old son, Tyler, at school before I went to the airport. In the car, a heated argument started between the two of us. It ended with Tyler angrily getting out of the car, me throwing his backpack at his feet, and Tyler slamming the door.

The pain of having such a disturbing argument and leaving it without resolution was excruciating for me. Tears were streaming down my face along with my makeup. Rushed onstage, there I was in front of a packed audience eagerly waiting. They had all paid good money to hear my parenting words of wisdom. I stood there frozen, unable to speak. The speech that I had been preparing for weeks was completely wiped from my memory. I tried helplessly to fight back my tears, but my eyes continued to well up. After I explained to my audience what had happened, there was not a dry eye in the audience. Everyone could relate and I could feel a collective sigh of relief that parenting was not about perfection.

This book is not about striving for perfection. It is about taking baby steps and letting those baby steps be the milestone to becoming your best parenting version.

Children touch the very depths of our souls. One moment we’re feeling love and joy; the next moment, frustration and incompetence, and, at times, despair. Children test you and make you examine the very core of your belief systems. But if you are willing to investigate these belief systems, you can be the catalyst for transformation in your family.

Many new and exciting things have been added since the last edition of this book, including:

How to establish and maintain a growth mindset

Tips to help you and your child manage emotions effectively

Steps to set clear limits and follow through

How to move beyond using consequences to implement change

New ways to enhance the parent-child connection through even the most difficult altercations

And much more

This book is based on a culmination of more than thirty years of experience teaching parenting courses. It is filled with real-life examples gleaned from thousands of parents and professionals using these principles throughout the world. The tools are easy, practical, and can be implemented immediately.

Parents have said Redirecting Children’s Behavior is not just a form of discipline but a way of life. When family members sense that you aren’t trying to coerce them, they become respectful and self-reliant. Richer conversations are had, and this increases the level of cooperation and fun you experience. Life becomes more meaningful.

The family unit is the fabric of which our countries are woven. As we lean into love, we experience more heartfelt connections within families, with friends, and with coworkers. As a result, societies will become more collaborative, and isolation and violence will be diminished.

I am honored to be here on this parenting journey with you. It is a walk like none other.

—Kathryn J. Kvols

1

Inside-Out Parenting

Self-care is giving the world the best of you, not what’s left of you.

—KATIE REED

Your son has just spilled his juice on the carpet. It’s no big deal, but you really lose your temper this time. Why do you react so strongly now and not the last time he spilled juice? One reason we parents become irritable, overwhelmed, depressed, or sick is that we have not been doing a very good job of taking care of ourselves. How long has it been since you had thirty minutes by yourself to do whatever you wanted? Common answers I hear are I can’t remember, or I don’t have time to do that.

Just before the airplane takes off, the flight attendant instructs parents to place the oxygen mask on themselves first in an emergency, and then place a mask on their child. Notice the request: put yours on first, then you will be able to help your child. All too often we satisfy the needs of our children and other people before our own. As a result, our energy is depleted and we have nothing left to give, or we give with resentment. Even a minor problem challenges our used-up reserves.

Why don’t parents take care of themselves? Some reasons are:

We’ve been taught that it’s selfish to take care of ourselves.

We feel that taking quiet time or downtime is not good use of our time.

We don’t believe that we deserve time for ourselves.

We believe that we just don’t have, or can’t find, the time.

We don’t know how to take care of ourselves.

What do you look like and sound like when you haven’t taken time for yourself? I know I am grouchy, not fun, impatient, and critical. Burned out is a good description. This is the part of you your family experiences.

What do you look like and sound like when you do take care of yourself? There is much to gain when we take good care of ourselves. We are:

Refreshed and have more energy for our children

More confident and creative when our children spring surprises on us

Ready and eager to spend time with our families

Teaching our children, by example, how to take care of themselves

Nurture Yourself

It is crucial for every parent to have at least thirty minutes each day to restore energy. Finding time for yourself takes commitment, creativity, and determination. The opportunities are not always obvious. Here are some of my ideas for time alone; add your own and take time for renewal.

Get up earlier or go to bed later than everyone else in your household.

Use your lunch hour for time alone—walking, thinking, reading, meditating, or dreaming.

Hire a babysitter, or swap babysitting with a relative or friend, for a couple of hours.

Alternate time off with your partner, so that you both benefit.

In addition to scheduling time alone, parents need to do things that give them pleasure and nurture them, just as they do this for their children. Do things for yourself that make you feel better. The following ideas might get you started; add your own to the list.

Take bubble baths or long, hot showers that relax you. Music and candlelight can be delightful additions to the experience and raise it above the ordinary.

Take walks, especially in the rain or snow.

Get a professional massage.

Listen to relaxing music or motivational CDs or podcasts.

Meditate.

Sit or work in the garden or in a local park.

Write in your journal, putting down both the pleasant and unpleasant events of the day.

Create something: draw, paint, or build.

Play a musical instrument.

A mother of three children under the age of five told me how impossible it was for her to get away alone. I told her I understood; however, I wanted her to commit to finding some way to take care of herself. When she came back to class the following week, she looked great. Everyone wanted to know what she had done.

She told us, I used to love playing the piano, but I haven’t played it since the kids were born. The day it rained last week, things were really getting out of control. I just wanted to scream. Then I remembered my commitment and sat down at the piano. It was amazing! I worked out all my frustrations! I noticed that the kids had gathered around behind me and got calmer too.

The most important thing that I can tell you is to take care of yourself. If you take time for yourself, you will be ready for the constant demands that parenting places on you. Everything you are about to learn from this book will feel easier and come more naturally because you will have the energy to make changes.

Eliminate Stress

Another way to take care of yourself is to work on eliminating as much stress as you can in your life. Let’s look at your day. What segment of your day is the most stressful? Is it your morning routine, picking up the kids from school, homework time, the hour before dinner or bedtime? Take steps to counteract the toll it takes on you and your family. Here are some parents’ solutions:

A father found it extremely stressful to go directly from work to home with its flood of three children, all under the age of six, eagerly greeting him. So he made an agreement with his family that he would listen to some soothing music before he came home. Frequently he had to drive around the block a couple of times. By the time he got home, he was more relaxed and in a better frame of mind to be with his wife and children.

A mother decided that the morning was her most stressful time. Getting her three-year-old daughter dressed became a huge battle that often made her late to work. To solve her problem, the mom gave her daughter a bath and dressed her in her clothes for preschool the night before. Her mornings became hassle free!

A mother of a five-year-old realized she was most stressed when running errands immediately after picking up her daughter from preschool. The time was pure torture because her daughter would whine and fuss, refuse to get out of the car, and then refuse to get back in the car to go. The mother decided to take her daughter to a park and play with her for fifteen minutes before running her errands. After doing this for a week, she reported that her daughter had become more cooperative once she got some quality connection time with her mom.

Self-Reflection Leads to Self-Growth

Learning about self-care also requires self-reflection. The reason this chapter is called Inside-Out Parenting is that being an effective parent requires that we become introspective. This involves reflecting on why we do or don’t do certain things. What is going on in your family is often a reflection of what is going on in your inner self.

Self-reflection can be a scary and humbling experience. You may have an impulse to avoid it, but it is necessary for your growth. Self- reflection leads to self-improvement. Without introspection, we go blindly on our parenting path, creating unintended consequences. We fail to achieve our wishes and hopes for creating the picture we have of what it means to be a healthy family.

It is crucial that when you do self-reflection you do so with self-acceptance—looking at yourself neutrally, with curiosity. When introspection includes feelings of guilt, blame, or shame, we literally slow down the process of self-growth. These feelings make us want to hide and not take the risks necessary to create the connection and intimacy we all long for.

Happiness Thieves

Do you engage in worry, guilt, anger, resentment, shame, blame, and overwhelm? These feelings all zap your energy, steal your joy, and keep you from being fully present with your children. It is your choice whether you let these feelings in to steal your happiness.

Let’s look at them individually.

Worry

Worry is a misuse of the mind. You know all too well that we spend a disproportionate amount of time worrying about things that are fundamentally outside of our control. You can worry yourself sick because there is an inordinate number of things you can worry about as a parent. The what-ifs can feel exhausting. You know the What if she fails at school? What if he hangs out with the wrong kids? What if he decides not to go to college? Worry never changes anything; it just messes with your mind.

One mom caught herself spinning out of control with worry often, so she turned some spiritual music up loud, danced, and sang around the house. She found that her children often joined her!

Don’t waste energy worrying about a problem; instead, trust that life will work out.

When my son, Tyler, was five years old, we were driving up a winding road through a large piece of property my husband and I had just purchased for our business. The property was run down and in need of extensive repair before our opening day. My son looked at me and said, Mommy, what’s that face? This was the question he always asked when I appeared to be discouraged.

I guess I’m worried, I said.

Worried? About what? he asked.

I answered, I’m worried about money.

Tyler replied reprovingly, Mommy, don’t you know life works?

If you find yourself worrying, remind yourself that life works. Take one small action to improve on the situation and let go. Worrying is literally betting against your ability to handle what life throws at you and betting against your trust in the divine.

Guilt

Guilt is something that happened in the past that you let keep you from being present. If you allow it, guilt erodes your self-esteem and takes you away from the present moment because you are obsessing about the past.

If you are feeling guilty about something, the first step is to ask yourself, What have I learned? or What will I do differently?

The next step is to ask yourself if you need to forgive yourself or if you need to make amends to someone, or both.

If you need to forgive yourself, do so quickly. Otherwise, your guilt can compromise your ability to parent effectively. For example:

After I got divorced from my husband, I felt guilty about not doing everything in my power to make the marriage work. I erroneously felt like I was robbing my son of the experience of having an intact family. As a result, I found myself compromising my values by doing something I now call guilt parenting. I would allow my son to stay up later than he should, give in to his tantrums, and feel sorry for my son.

As a result, my son was starting to act entitled, and I began to realize the toll my guilt was having on both of us. So I began the process of forgiving myself. Some people are able to forgive themselves quickly. For me, it was a process.

Becoming stronger in my convictions built my confidence. I no longer debilitated my son by feeling sorry for him, nor did I give in to his tantrums. I set clear limits and followed through.

What if guilt was designed to give you an opportunity to get back into integrity with yourself and/or others? If you feel you have harmed someone physically or emotionally it is important that you get back into integrity by making amends. Making amends not only makes you feel integrous but also restores the trust in your relationship.

There is one thing that is common to every individual, organization, nation, and civilization throughout the world. One thing which, if removed, will destroy the most powerful government, the most successful business, the most thriving economy, the most influential leadership, the greatest friendship, and the deepest love.

On the other hand, if developed and leveraged, that one thing has the potential to create unparalleled success and prosperity in every dimension of life. Yet, it is the least understood, most neglected, and most underestimated possibility of our time.

What is it?

That one thing is trust.

—STEPHEN COVEY WITH REBECCA MERRILL, THE SPEED OF TRUST

In our family, we do make ups. If someone has made an error, we make our best effort not impose guilt or shame on one another and instead offer that person the opportunity to do a make up.

For example, early in our marriage my husband would frequently come home late from work. I would get pissy and the evening usually fell silent—a deadening silent. We decided to stop this nonsense by doing a make up. I feel transported when someone rubs my feet. So, on the nights he came home late, I got an amazing foot rub. I had no need to get even, and my husband could feel back in integrity in our relationship. This outcome was a lot more fun than giving my husband the silent treatment.

Children can write notes of apology, draw pictures, do chores for each other, or give back rubs. The ideas here are endless. No need to get even when you keep things even!

Anger

Have you noticed how a small child gets angry, lets off steam, and then goes on his or her merry way? Some of us learned to stuff our anger inside instead. Unacknowledged anger can lead to depression, illness, and resentment. It can surface later as retaliation toward others. When we have learned to stuff anger, we often respond inappropriately to events and issues in our lives. Use these six steps to help you manage your anger positively.

Anger Management

1. Watch for the early warning signs of anger. You may get tense somewhere in your body, such as your jaw or stomach, or your hands may start to perspire. These physical signs tell you that you need to take appropriate action.

2. Acknowledge and explore your anger. It doesn’t help to stuff or deny your anger. Say to yourself, I feel angry. What am I feeling angry about? Is this really about what my kid just did or didn’t do? Or am I really angry about something else, such as my job, spouse, the stress I allow in my life, or something else?

3. Take a break to cool off. Count to ten, go to your room, take a walk, or otherwise remove yourself emotionally or physically from the situation.

4. After you have cooled off, take action. When you take action, you feel less like a victim and more like a person in control of your life.

5. Tell the person what you’re angry about (might not be possible in some cases): I’m angry because the kitchen is a mess. Unlikely as it sounds, a simple statement of the problem can help solve it. Start with an I statement rather than a you statement: attack the problem, not the person. Notice that there is no name-calling, blame, or exaggeration in your simple statement of fact.

6. Speak up clearly, quickly, and lovingly. Our family members are not mind readers. Make a clear and concise statement about what you want. I will make dinner as soon as the kitchen is clean. If we don’t speak up about what we want, it can turn into a grievance.

Grievances bring turmoil while communication brings peace.

—WAYNE DYER

One of the things that disturbs relationships the most is an unwillingness to have difficult conversations. Communicating our grievances can feel difficult. We would rather get our tooth pulled than have one of those conversations. Fear of rejection, losing control, and saying things we regret all keep us from having authentic communication. However, talking is a way of releasing the energy that