Crazy Tales on the Running Trails: Humor for Everyone

By Joe Sinclair

>Distance walkers and runners can generate some of the funniest stories. As these individuals dedicate themselves to the world of fitness, many crazy things can happen on a trail, greenway, or asphalt. Thousands of fitness enthusiasts choose asphalt as their favorite body-pounding material for long-distance events.

>Through the fictional character of long-distance runner Joe Pounder, Crazy Tales on the Running Trails, by author and athlete Joe Sinclair, offers a spirited collection of stories describing humorous events that occurred during running events held on asphalt or trails. In his running world of pounding more than 5,000 miles of pavement, Pounder has observed much more than just the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat.

>Crazy Tales on the Running Trails shares stories featuring peculiar events as seen through the eyes of the infamous Pounder on his journeys across the asphalt. This humorous look at the running world brings together a host of unique characters who meet up along the worlds trails.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Oct 6, 2015
• ISBN: 9781491777121

Joe Sinclair

>Joe Sinclair is an author, educator, and athlete. He earned a doctoral degree from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro and served as superintendent of schools in various North Carolina districts for more than twenty years. Sinclair and his wife, Claryce, live in Statesville, North Carolina. Joe Sinclair is the author of: Putting Life on the Finish Line Getting Older, Moving Smarter The Marathon Called Educational Leadership Two Worlds of Educational Leaders Lulu the Snow Goat Queenie and Little Joe >Carla Leslie has worked in public education and the travel/tourism business throughout her career. In addition to having an avid interest in creative writing, Carla enjoys web design, videography, and traveling to historic places. She has established two online bridal/home décor shops and enjoys sharing her 100-year old farm and other vacation retreats with friends and tourists who travel through her native state of West Virginia (www.CountryCabinWV.com). Carla and her husband, Jim, reside in Wilkesboro, North Carolina.

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Copyright © 2015 Joseph Sinclair.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-4917-7710-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-7711-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-7712-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015914732

iUniverse rev. date: 10/5/2015

Contents

Foreword

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1 Going Off the Deep End

Chapter 2 Gassing the Competition

Chapter 3 A Rear End Says It All

Chapter 4 Hot Asphalt

Chapter 5 Dirty Asphalt

Chapter 6 Angelina’s Antics

Chapter 7 Willie Pounder

Chapter 8 Red Butz

Chapter 9 Rockin’ Johns on the Running Trail

Chapter 10 Colorful Costume Characters

Chapter 11 Butts, Beer, and Asphalt: Don’t Mix!

Chapter 12 Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Chapter 13 Scared Shirtless

Chapter 14 Chasing Those Tails

Chapter 15 Bladders and Butts

Chapter 16 Spectator Stupidity

Chapter 17 Shopaholic Runaholics

Chapter 18 The High-Tech Threesome

Chapter 19 Never Let Injury Interfere

Chapter 20 The Gall of It All

Chapter 21 The Determinators

Chapter 22 Freakin’ Form Fanatics

Chapter 23 Tuff Stuff

Chapter 24 Aging, Creaky Butts

Reflections

About the Author

This book is written for those who appreciate the humorous side of life. Human beings can find themselves in some very awkward and difficult situations in their daily lives. They need to turn to laughter as the best medicine for a quick relief or possible cure for their challenges. Anyone who has ever walked or run on trails, greenways, or roadways can probably recall many unique situations, many of which resulted in humor. For walkers, runners, and readers who enjoy smiles and laughter, this book is dedicated to you!

FOREWORD

Very few authors write in a variety of styles, which include fiction, nonfiction, children’s books, and adult publications. However, Joe Sinclair has published books in all of these genres and continues to expand his reader base by publishing this fictional book of adult humor. His impressive background in the world of running contributed to his writing skills as he developed Crazy Tales on the Running Trails. With Carla Leslie adding her expertise to the publishing of this work, the impressive result is a book that may bring smiles and even laughter to many readers.

Beth Carter

Veteran Distance Runner

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Laughter is a great form of medicine! A smile or a laugh on an otherwise gloomy day can bring a mood change in an instant. Writing this book was an entertaining process for me as I looked back on the years and took the time to create page after page of adventuresome and humorous stories from my years of running on trails and pavement. My contributing author had the ability to add that extra touch of excitement that was necessary to truly describe the unforgettable cast of characters.

One of the many advantages of running thousands of miles is the ability to create images and situations in one’s mind in an effort to divert attention away from painfully pounding that asphalt. Without the benefit of running and communicating with my friends from the running world, I could not have produced this book.

A creative mind can produce humorous events out of the most ordinary of scenarios. As a veteran runner who has had the pleasure of meeting and running with thousands of walkers and runners across the United States, I have developed a sincere appreciation for anyone who strives to make him- or herself a better person, both mentally and physically. A positive mental attitude can lead to a positive physical attitude, and adding some laughter in between makes for a real winner!

Special thanks go to my contributing author, Carla Leslie, and to my wife, Claryce, for her continued support. My daughter, Jennifer Sinclair Shreffler, and good friend Dyan Cutter have also made valuable contributions to the publication of this book.

INTRODUCTION

Distance walkers and runners can generate some of the funniest stories. As these individuals dedicate themselves to the world of fitness, many crazy things can happen on a trail, greenway, or asphalt. Thousands of fitness enthusiasts choose asphalt as their favorite body-pounding material for long-distance events.

If asphalt could talk, one might discover a lot of interesting things. Asphalt, as we know it, just lies there in silence. It is motionless, warm or cold, wet or dry, icy or cracked, always interesting … always waiting. At first glance, one can observe the usual oil spots, skid marks, and remains of animal carcasses, some spots even completely unidentifiable.

A marathon runner chooses to compete in a race that will take him or her twenty-six miles with each race. A runner may pass a bush, a thick briar patch, or a simple road sign or pick up a strange smell and wonder, just what happened here? In the world of running, many secrets lie amid the back roads, deep woods, and secluded mountains.

This discovery was further examined when Joe Pounder began his running career. Imagine the shock of what he witnessed as his journeys began across the asphalt.

First, Joe needs to tell you some interesting facts about asphalt. Asphalt can present many surprising and dangerous challenges for runners, some of which might possibly even result in serious injury. You never know what’s around the bend, making it all the more challenging and intriguing. However, once you find out, you can’t stop watching.

For the record, in midwinter, the composition of asphalt may be very cold and slick. During hot, sultry summer days, asphalt transforms into a steamy mix of anything and everything. Encountering and mingling with a variety of characters along the way makes a runner forget that uneven asphalt can affect his or her stride or that reflectors in the centerline can pose a safety issue. Runners almost forget about the agony of defeat and couldn’t care less about victory when watching and participating in these strange encounters.

Crazy Tales on the Running Trails contains numerous stories describing humorous events that occurred during running events held on asphalt or trails. Putting away your politeness and modesty is required when reading, as this book will take you on a journey littered with a variety of words and episodes.

This collection of crazy events, as seen through the eyes of the infamous Joe Pounder, brings together a host of unique characters who meet up along the world’s running trails. Joe has pounded more than five thousand miles of asphalt, and in his running world, he has observed much more than just the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat. This book goes beyond that by sharing the side of running that has yet another healthy outcome - giving the mind a chance to relax, read, and de-stress in a world of smiles and humor. Let your thoughts wander and expand as Joe Pounder provides you with the best medicine on the market—a good dose of laughter!

To fully enjoy this medicine, you must be introduced to Joe’s running associates. Many will be referred to as the Butz family. Keep in mind that, in the world of running, marathons, that is, one must do whatever it takes to complete the actual 26.2 miles, which naturally is intertwined with the unexpected. Members of this family will not disappoint.

The first of the bunch is Butch Butz, the oldest and friskiest. His only purpose in running is to use any means possible to increase his number of female running companions. Victory, obviously, is the farthest thing from his mind. Fred Butz—or FB, as he is known by running friends—is infamous, mainly because of the frequency of his signature gas attack, which occurs, without fail, at the most inopportune time of a race. Then there’s Claude Butz, who really needs to see a doctor for various reasons. It could be contagious. His brother is Red Butz, known as the running clown of the family. Red will do anything for a laugh, but is it really that funny? Up next is Harry Butz, the youngest of the Butz brothers, who thinks he knows everything about everything. Yes, he has to learn the hard way about his strange nutritional habits and the consequences thereof, but it sure is fun to watch. Bertha Butz is the lovely sister, the proper one (for the most part), who is always cheerful and up for running.

The array of characters not only continues; it gets more bizarre. Dumaus Butz is the running idiot who thinks he is Super Jock. Dumaus has never had an injury or illness that running couldn’t cure. Billy Butz is the sharp-tongued Yankee runner who always seems to put his foot in his mouth—rather than on the asphalt, where it should be. Charlie Butz is the barefoot-running free spirit, attacking the running route in the flesh, even though he can actually afford shoes. Additional characters enter this fascinating funny world for all to enjoy.

Joe Pounder is a runaholic. Welcome to his world.

CHAPTER 1

Going Off the Deep End

I n the running world, you’ll find athletes of all ages who have that edge of competitiveness that continues to drive them, time after time, to be the best and finish first. They strive to emerge as the winners. Coming in second or third is a complete failure to them, more like an embarrassment rather than an accomplishment. In the world of running, this kind of competitor also has to win at all costs. To not win simply sends them off the deep end with their running activities. What turns a runner into an irrational running machine with an insatiable appetite for pounding that asphalt?

A number of motivations may fuel an all-consuming desire to win, but one primary motivator is simple—that old nemesis called competition. Some runners enter each race simply for the enjoyment of kicking someone else’s rear. It’s a wonderful feeling and fuels them until the next race. Other runners challenge themselves as a formidable opponent, setting their own personal goals to finish as well or better than they did in the last race within a respectable time.

An avid running competitor may quietly pick out his or her competition and map a strategy to beat that competition to the finish line. The least likely motivation can spark that competitive edge, something as subtle as the satisfaction of seeing one’s name listed above those of all other competitors at the end of the day. This provides the highly competitive athlete or the runner who is driven to win with a sense of satisfaction, at least for the moment. It doesn’t last long, as these runners challenge themselves, knowing there will be another day and