Sell Bigfoot

By James Kieffer

Do you believe in Bigfoot?

Is he roaming around in

a forest near you?

Max, Carl and Phil seem to think so. They are engaged in a quest to not only find him, but to capture him. If they can catch him, then maybe they can sell Bigfoot to the highest bidder. At least that is what they planned to do. But not everything goes as planned they say and this could be one of those instances. But seeing that this is a ridiculous idea from the start, it is hard to see how it could go right. Money is the driving factor here and that tends to make people do crazy things. So anything is possible.

Join them as author James Kieffer takes you on their zany little adventure from concept to execution and see if you can be convinced of whether or not the prize is worth the peril. In the end, can they really do it?

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jul 22, 2013
• ISBN: 9781481777704

James Kieffer

The author of this book, James Kieffer enjoys watching zany and unusual comedies as well as writing about them, the more ludicrous the better. He also likes animals, fitness, chess, reading anything Christian, coffee with amaretto creamers, and fast cars, (Corvettes, Camaros, and Mustangs are all welcome). He lives in Northern New Jersey and comes up with his best ideas while pacing the floor, a residual effect of walking post four hours at a time while in the Marines. He does most of his writing about two hours before going to bed and some of the odd dreams he has had, have given him ideas to write about, like this story, it all started with a dream.

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© 2013 James Kieffer. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 7/19/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4817-7769-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4817-7768-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4817-7770-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013912534

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Introduction

1 The Photo

2 3 Clods With An Idea

3 Gathering The Gear

4 At The Zoo

5 Prepping The Scene

6 The Encounter

7 Fix Them Springs Already

8 The Search Is On

9 Love And Handcuffs

10 The Catch

11 Back To Normal?

INTRODUCTION

Is Bigfoot real? Is there a large bipedal ape roaming in the forests in North America. There seems to be a lot of evidence to support this or is it all just an elaborate hoax? People who have never seen one are divided on whether or not there is and some are on the fence about it. People who have claimed to see one certainly are sure about it or did they see one at all. Was it a case of mistaken identity of another animal or some apparition carried down from one’s own psyche from all the pictures they have seen over the years? Whether you believe or not, a lot of time, literature, and money has been devoted to scientific research to answer the question Does it really exist? Is everyone just wasting their time and efforts trying to find something that may not exist?

We know an animal once did walk the earth that resembles Bigfoot. The bones of Gigantopithecus were discovered in Asia years ago that date back thousands of years. So scientifically it is possible that such a creature survived extinction. But what do we know about Bigfoot? It is said to be a mysterious and elusive creature that some eyewitnesses have described as supernatural. It is said to be big and hairy with apelike features that stands nearly eight feet tall and there have been sightings all over the United States. From all the documentaries and commercials shown on television, the word Bigfoot has become common in almost every home in America. Everyone has heard of Bigfoot but people want to know if it really exists. Does it have its own language? Does it act human in any way or does it simply act like a wild gorilla? If it does exist, no one can seem to find a Bigfoot nor really knows what to do about it.

But what if someone got a brainstorm and tried to actually catch one. How would they do it? How would it go down? What would be the consequences? What would be the end result? Or could we even have the heart to imprison a beast such as this? An ape that walks on two legs is just a little too close to resembling us for most people to take. Actually seeing a half man half gorilla in a cage would make some people’s skin crawl. That would make most people want to shrug the whole matter off and to not think of it as possible.

In this book we will explore one possible scenario of what could happen. This is a satirical and humorous look at this mystery. If it does exist, we don’t know how it thinks or behaves. It is all just speculation at this point. Keep an open mind is what they say, will you?

1

THE PHOTO

Our story begins with a male Bigfoot roaming through the deciduous forest on the outskirts of a small rural town in the northeast of the US. Our Bigfoot is 8 ft. tall with medium brown hair all over his body and weighing in at a staggering 800 lbs. His head is pointed at the top like a gorilla and he smells just like every other Bigfoot, REALLY BAD. Actually it is quite awful. It is best described as a combination between a skunk, a sweaty sock, and a wet dog. (As Bigfoot walks under the tree, squirrels are seen passing out from the smell and falling from off the branches. The sounds of small thuds are heard as they hit the ground. Bigfoot seeing this looks around scratches his head because he doesn’t know what to make of it). Then as he turns to go, he trips over a rock and lands face first onto the ground WHOMP! It creates a small cloud of dust and leaves around the impact. It made all the squirrels that were on the ground bounce up 3 feet in the air which jostled them awake and they immediately scurried back up the trees. Our Bigfoot is a bit of a klutz. He looks up and spits the leaves out of his mouth he caught. He then grumbles, gets up and keeps walking.

Bigfoot normally roams around at night, but he was hungry so he is out this sunny morning looking for a meal. As he is walking along he notices a piece of cake wrapped in cellophane that some campers left behind. He squats down, sniffs it, smiles and eats it in one gulp. He likes it when campers are around-free grub.

Off in the distance not far from here a group of Bigfoot trackers called THE SQUATCH CHARMERS, as the lettering states on their navy blue T-shirts, were patrolling the area. They were following some footprints made by our male Bigfoot, and taking notes and hair samples. Their leader Mark Coinstriker, noticed a tree that had its lower branches snapped half way off and downward. Now he was a very serious and intense individual, even obsessed. He gathered his group of 5 around him and said this is the territorial markings of a Squatch. They do this to warn other Squatches to stay out of their domain. The bigger the Squatch, the higher the branches are broken off.

A man in the group with a southern drawl says, Well, can’t he just piss on it? We had a cat that pissed on my sister’s leg once when it got territorial. And that was right before she went to the Prom.

Another said, Yeah, we had a dog that pissed on Grandpa’s cane when he as he was walking up the stairs

Another man said Our dog pissed on the cat once, is that territorial?

Then they all started murmuring about it. Coinstriker already annoyed with their lack of focus in recent days yells GUYS, SQUATCHES NEVER PISS DAMMIT! THEY BREAK BRANCHES!

After a long silence and them looking at each other, Drawl man said But what if they have to go and relieve themselves, I mean they got to go sometime Coinstriker yells QUIET! We need to focus, see if you can find where the tracks go.

After eating his cake, Bigfoot stands straight up and BAM, he hits the crown of his head on a low 4 inch thick tree limb. His eyes roll upward and his mouth gapes open as he says UUHHH! Then he slaps the limb lightly a couple of times and turns to walk away and BAM, another tree limb. Now infuriated he reaches up and violently snaps the first tree limb down and the other. As if to punish them for being too low.

Back at the trackers, the Drawl man is explaining his point. All I am saying is that when ya gotta go ya gotta go. I mean does a bear piss in the alley? No he does it in the woods just like a Squatch.

Coinstriker rubbing his face in anguish, it doesn’t matter ok. There is no other reason for a Squatch to break lower branches other than marking his territory. You got it. Bigfoot is then seen crazily snapping every lower branch and limb on the tree that he hit his head on.

The trackers then started following the tracks made by Bigfoot. They had their infrared scopes out scanning the tree line and looking for any signs of movement. Coinstriker intent on proving his cause was looking for anything he could find. He intensely gazed along the ground as they walked parallel with the tracks. Then suddenly he saw some animal droppings off to the side.

Coinstriker: These were obviously left by a Squatch. You, get a plastic bag out and take a sample.

One man said, Uh, that looks like deer crap. See, it is little pellets kinda like a deer would he gets cuts off by an agitated Coinstriker, you don’t know anything. I have been doing this 15 years. If I say it is from a Squatch then it is. Look over there. They all noticed several stake holes in the ground. Coinstriker kneels down and points at one. Coinstriker says A Squatch did this with a stick. He was probably digging the ground with a stick looking for ants. And look at that animal bone over there, a Squatch was probably chewing on it.

Another in the group, Uh that looks like stake holes probably used to hold up a tent. There were campers here before and look, here is one of the poles they left behind. And that bone looks like chicken.

Coinstriker almost hysterical: It was all from a Squatch, you don’t know anything!

They all looked at one another fearing another nervous breakdown. One said, Fine, that’s Squatch turds over there ok? We’ll bag it up for ya.

Now Bigfoot treading along is unaware of the trackers location. He noticed some walnuts along the ground. He grabbed a few, picked up a rock and sat down straddling a boulder. He took a nut and tried smash it open using the rock against the boulder. His first attempt-whack, was not hard enough to break it. So he drew back with the rock and smacked it harder WHACK! The nut didn’t break, but the force of the blow launched the nut through the trees and hit a white tailed deer in the rump. There were 3 deer in all and this startled them to the point where they took off running down the hill. They were jumping over brush with their tails raised up which is a warning sign of danger.

The deer ran passed the Bigfoot trackers. They all looked with intensity in the direction that the deer came from. One man grabbed a small collapsible shovel that he had with and clutched it with a death grip. Other grabbed their scanners and pointed them up the hill hoping to see something on the infrared. They couldn’t pick up anything.

Coinstriker: Now we all know that the main diet of the Squatches is deer meat. He is obviously on the hunt right now and we do not want to get in between him and his prey. They can be very aggressive on the hunt. Let’s all move halfway up the hill and to the side so when he comes running down, we can get a good picture and some video. I will sit at the bottom with this charmer and try to mesmerize him with this so you can get some still shots. And he pulled out a toy that had a flat disc with spiral stripes going down it leading from the vertex to the edges. When he squeezed the handles together, it spun and gave an illusion that it was spinning downward which had a dizzying effect to some.

Drawl man, You’re fixin to distract him with that? Are you on acid or did you hit your head this morning when you fell off of the truck.

Earlier that morning when they were loading up, Coinstriker was standing in the bed of their pickup truck as the driver was backing up to the hitch for the trailer they were bringing along. Coinstriker was leaning over the