Tenuous Ties: A Transgendered Couples Journey

By Dr. Arthur C. Ellison PH.D. MPH and Dr. Jeanette A. Bevilacqua ARNP ED. D

Then he tells you Ilike to dress up as a women, and the journey begins. It feels like your whole world is falling apart! Then there are the questions, the concerns, the judgement, and the desire to run away. Thus what do you do with this information? Who do you tell? How crazy is this? What will people say? What will they say about me? Why cant this just be a normal relationship!

Well, thats how the story began. And you have the unique opportunity to see how this journey has progressed from fear and uncertaincy to understanding and acceptance. Creating a healthy transgendered relationship based on the deepest level of respect, is an incredulous journey, indeed!

Join Drs Jeanette Bevilacqua and Arthur Alycia Ellison as they openly share their journey of determination to create a healthy and harmonious relationshipdespite the challenges. Relationships issues come in all shapes and sizes and the lessons learned here are applicable to a wide variety of Relationship issues. Take charge of your challenges and enjoy the Incredible rewards of your effort. Then you realize that your journey is just that, your journey!! Trust the process.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jun 8, 2015
• ISBN: 9781491763834

Dr. Arthur C. Ellison PH.D. MPH

Dr. Arthur Ellison retired in 1991 from academic Medicine after a lengthy teaching and research career in Pharmacology and Ophthalmology at various medical schools. Dr. Ellison is currently in practice with Dr. Jeanette Bevilacqua. Dr, Jeanette Bevilacqua is a Nurse Psychotherapist with 25 yrs. of practice and extensive experience with transgendered individuals and their families and has had an extensive academic career in various universities in nursing and counseling programs. Their extensive background in transgender life style issues allows them to deal effectively with this complex physical and emotion issue see www.crossdressing-couples.com

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Tenuous Ties

A Transgendered Couples Journey

Copyright © 2015 Arthur C. Ellison, Ph.D, MPH & Jeanette A. Bevilacqua, ARNP, Ed.D.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-4917-6382-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-6383-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015905581

iUniverse rev. date:  06/03/2015

Contents

Introduction

1.   Words do make a difference!

2.   Sexuality vs Gender

3.   Transgender Relationships and Beyond

4.   Relationship Stages

5.   Boundaries

6.   Approaches to a Sound Relationship

7.   Oh My Gosh, What a Struggle!

8.   Jeanette’s Speaks

9.   The Gift of Diversity

10.   Trust and Vulnerability

11.   Confused and Perplexed

12.   Into the Public Eye She Went

13.   Support Groups

14.   Away We Go!!

15.   The World Is Our Oyster

16.   Education

17.   Speak to Me, Jill

18.   Guidelines for success

19.   Summary

20.   Addendum

References

Resumes

Tenuous Ties

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One day, when the house was quiet, and everyone in the family was gone for the day, I realized the time had come to try the gown on and see how I would look as a blushing bride. So I proceeded to put on the long white slip and the three petticoats that were hanging with the gown. I then took down the wedding dress and brought it downstairs, where there was much more room, and put it on. To my amazement, it fit very well. With my safety pin technique, I was able to zip it up the back. At that point, disaster struck, the chain broke loose from the clasp and came away in my hand. I said to myself, Oh well, I will have to find another way to unzip it when I am ready to take it off. I felt so beautiful and I loved the feel of it! I then walked into mother’s bedroom to get some hairpins to attach the tiara and train in place, and then finding my sister’s makeup, I put on the eye shadow, mascara and rouge, as I had done before, and finished by applying a burgundy lipstick. I then put on the dangling rhinestone earrings and the matching necklace. I waltzed back into the room and gazed at myself in the mirror feeling terrific-until I noticed my mother’s startled countenance looking back at me in the mirror. Surprisingly she didn’t faint or yell. All she said was, My, you look like a beautiful bride, and just like your sister. It is all right to have tried it on, she exclaimed! Turn around and let me see you. Go up and change before he gets home. I will not tell him. Terrified, without saying a word, I fled upstairs immediately and changed. I was embarrassed and mortified at having been discovered. And that’s how it began!

This book is dedicated to the women in my life who have tolerated to some extent my cross-dressing and to Jeanette who made me realize the full appreciation of the feminine ideal in her caring and thoughtful approach to making it a reality. The ideas and concepts expressed in this book came from discussions with her as well as various transgendered clients who have come to our center concerned about their relationships for there are few books available in the libraries on Transgenderism.

Introduction

What the World Needs Now

I s Love Sweet Love……. Remember that song of a few decades ago? It certainly says a lot, but how do we go about getting and giving this? Although difficult at times to define and achieve, for many this is one of the most important parts of our life. As a society, we are in constant search of this elusive quality of love often trying to buy it, seduce it, demand it; guilt provokes it, controls it and manipulate s it!

This book deals with our transgendered relationship, although the basic concepts stated will apply in any committed relationship. In most cases, too often we fall in love for the wrong reasons, believing that we can change our lives, get out of a rut and acquire characteristics we don’t have. We can’t, but that does not stop our unrealistic hopes and dreams.

The reasons behind this book deals with the early frustrations and depression felt when I was forced by society and the medical profession prior to 1990 to remain in the closet. Far too often, even in today’s time, one remains in the closet as the transgendered individual exists as a threat to families, friends and working associates, but also in a main part to society.

Based on our current profession as Professional Transgender Consultants, and the fact that few therapists and the general public are unaware of the true status of transgenderism we decided to write this book to help widen the door for more understanding in our society.

1

Words do make a difference!

O n a day long ago when I had reached an impasse in my thoughts about cross dressing, I decided to find out more about it as I was always embarrassed when he went out into the public eye. On viewing the internet, I discovered that there was a change in terminology in the use of word, Transvestism, formerly relating to cross dressing. On further evaluation, I discovered that the critical event that led to the separation of the term transvestite and transsexual occurred in the early l950’s, as a result of the Denmark operation that changed George Jorgeson into Christine Jorgeson. The surgery physically changed his biological sex to that of a woman, bringing fulfillment to his dream of obtaining a woman’s body. This resulted in a media sensation on December 1, 1952 when the New York Daily News carried a front-page story (under the headline Ex-GI Becomes Blonde Beauty) announcing that in Denmark, Jorgensen had become the recipient of the first sex ch ange.

This claim is not exactly true, however, as the type of surgery in question had actually been performed by pioneering German doctors in the late 1920s and early 1930s. Danish artist Lili Elbe, a patient of Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld at the Institute of Sexual Science in Berlin, was a known recipient of such operations in 1930-31. Lili Elbe was the first identifiable [1] recipient of male to female sex reassignment surgery.[2] She was born in Denmark and was identified as male at the time of her birth. Born as Einar Mogens Wegener, she identified as male for most of her life and was a successful artist with that name. Lili Elbe was born one day while filling in for Gerda’s absentee model; Gerda asked Einar to wear stockings and heels so that she could substitute Einar’s legs for those of her model. Einar felt surprisingly comfortable in the get-up.[6] Over time, Gerda became famous for her paintings of beautiful women with haunting almond-shaped eyes dressed in chic fashions. In 1930, Elbe went to Germany for surgery, which was only in an experimental state at the time to change him into a beautiful woman. A series of five operations were carried out over a period of two years. After the surgeries, however, she took the name Lili Elbe.

However, the main difference between the two was that Christine Jorgeson was a result of hormonal action and this startling change and resulting publicity led to the separation of the terms transvestism and transsexualism and pointed out the need for more appropriate classification.

This change also brought forth the conflict in terminology and classification, attitudes and educational practices, which plagued the early literature. For as one reviews the early history, one comes to the inescapable conclusion that using one term to cover all cases of gender alteration is ludicrous. The term now used to describe the variations of gender behavior is transgendered.

Figure 1 illustrates the variations that may occur within the transgender continuum. This pathway begins with the Fetisher and ends at an irreversible point, the Transsexual, for it is this individual who has undergone sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) to attain the external characteristics of the opposite sex.

figure%201.jpg

I was amazed that even with the current bias towards transgenderism the fascination of cross dressing is perceived in many past movies like Some Like It Hot, Tootsie, Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, The Crying Game or the academy award winner, Shakespeare in Love."

The first group involving sex and gender differentiation is that of the fetisher. In psychiatric terms, this is the use of any paraphilia in which erotic interest and satisfaction is centered on, whether it is an inanimate object or a specific, non-genital part of the anatomy. Generally occurring in males, fetishism frequently centers on some article of female clothing worn or held. In some cases, fetishism becomes severe enough to inspire the fetishist to acquire objects of his desire through theft or assault. Many psychiatrists believe the fetish represent a substitute for male genitalia, which women are imagined to have lost through castration. Although the causes of fetishism are not clearly known, it is generally not considered a serious disorder, unless it is coupled with other psychological disturbances

In fetishes regarding female clothing or shoes, the male fetisher might masturbate while wearing women’s shoes, panties, girdles or bras. In other cases, intercourse with their wives was possible only if the fetishist wore her panties or shoes in order to stimulate the desire. It has been noted that any female or conversely, male object, may work as a fetish symbol. In practice, however, this generally is applicable only in relation to the anatomy or related clothing of the opposite sex.

Passion for these objects usually begins at l0 years of age, but may extend late into adolescence and adulthood. This passion gradually escalates into fetishistic transvestism in the late teens and may involve completely cross dressing in the privacy of his home or apartment.

Psychological evaluations on fetishes have generally focused on the position that the individual had been forced to wear this article of clothing as punishment or due to castration anxiety. The fetish in many cases has been successfully extinguished by aversion therapy, desensitization or re-education experiences in which the sexual object is gradually removed from the sexual event.

As observed in figure 1, the next step involves cross dressing which my husband claims involved him for over 60 years.

On further investigation I discovered that the cross-dressing community is composed mainly of heterosexual cross-dressing males, and according to various studies conducted by various psychologists interested in transvestism, is on the whole quite large with approximately 5 - 10% of males wearing some article of female lingerie under their male clothing.

The prevailing thought of Richard Stoller, a psychologist in the 60’s and early 70’s was similar to Sigmund Freud, a prominent psychiatrist in the early 1800, in that women are born to be masochistic toward the cross dresser. The influence of professionals from the gender subculture, however, has not necessarily been good as well. Some promoted a core factor based on homosexuality or questionable sexual behavior that will never be acceptable in mainstream society. This, in turn, favored a responsibility-free attitude that was very destructive for families. What is needed now is a body of research that investigates cross dressers as whole people by gender sensitive, aware and responsible professionals. Stoller’s studies and reports unfortunately formed the basis for woman’s psychology through the early ’50’s and ’60’s and continues into this present day. When wives are confronted by studies such as Stoller’s paper on Transvestite’s wives, they see a very negative and pathological view of women married to cross dressers. Stoller paints a picture of hostile women who are in some cases, essentially male haters. He divides them into three main classes:

(l). The malicious male hater: These are mothers who start dressing their young sons as girls early on without the child coming into the activity on his own accord, or by girlfriends, who wish to humiliate their boyfriends by suggesting they go out together, as a joke, dressed as two females.

(2) The Succorer. This group of women did not initiate men or boys into putting on feminine attire, but when they observed the behavior, they sympathized and encouraged its progression. They showed them how to dress appropriately, coached them on mannerisms and makeup application. They appeared very enthusiastic, a characteristic not apparent in the first group. They became helpmates and were gentle and permissive, not arrogant or destructive. However, when the man made a success of himself in business or made massive strides in gaining emotional maturity, these women generally turned on them, for they now felt cheated or thwarted in the subservient relationship.

3. The smallest group studied, were mothers who cross-dressed their sons at age one or two and felt drawn to the infant and lavished total love on him to the exclusion of all others.

Stoller’s viewpoint is also supported by Deborah Feinbloom, another psychologist who looked at wives of transvestites from an anthropological point of view and concluded that these women showed low self-esteem and considered themselves not worthwhile enough to attract anyone else. To these women, therefore, any marriage was better than no marriage at all.

This is not uncommon, especially in blue-collar society, where the male image is tied to the woman’s role as caretaker of the home and child. In this case, their husband’s cross-dressing will often offend the wives, who have all the drudgery of child rearing, cooking and sewing, while the cross-dressed husband socializes. These wives become really upset, especially if they have to go out and purchase pretty articles of feminine clothing for his use while she or the children go without new clothing. His activity in this role is that of leisure rather than housework.

In their studies, many wives who generally came to seek help were those from a dysfunctional relationship who felt betrayed or violated and developed very negative attitudes about their husbands. With this in mind, I decided to explore the world of the heterosexual cross dresser and his wife or significant other.

In 1994,