Choose Your Energy: Change Your Life!: When You Fall in Love with Yourself, Everything Else Falls into Place

By Deborah Jane Wells

When love transforms your relationship
with yourself, it transforms your personal life,
your work, and the world.

When your birth includes a near-death experience, you know you are in for a wild ride. A fifty-five-year roller coaster of triumph and burnout led to finding my life purpose more than five decades later. Mine is a story of hope. Yours can be too.
As a board-certified empowerment coach, organization transformation consultant, Reiki master teacher, artist, author, and broadcast personality, I have pursued a lifelong passion for the transformative power of love. I help individuals and organizations learn to harness that power to step into their greatness.
When we choose fear as our fuel, any of usindividuals and organizations alikecan become stuck in the hamster wheel approach to life. Trapped by the mistaken belief that busyness is the same as purpose, we cant stand the way were living but feel powerless to change.
As we work together, my clients discover what I discovered: when you fall in love with yourself, everything else falls into place, personally and professionally. Choosing love as your core energy automatically enhances every aspect of your life: your perceptions, opportunities, relationships, and priorities. You get unstuck, reclaim your personal power, and recapture your zest for living, moving yourself forward into a life you love.
Instead of choosing to live as a victim of circumstance, consider embracing the power of loving yourself unconditionally through insights, encouragement, clear strategies, and practical tools built on

my personal journey, including a sustained eighty-pound weight loss, freedom from a ten-year bout of debilitating depression, and finding my purpose sharing hope, possibilities, and empowerment with the world;
living in flow, a fluid journey to wholeness grounded in who you are being not what you are doing;
the Discovery Framework that grew out of my experience, including core energy, sensory balance, and your personal board of directors; and
Lessons in Living inspired by the journeys of my clients.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: May 31, 2013
• ISBN: 9781452573205

Deborah Jane Wells

Whats love got to do with it? Everything! Through her writing, speaking, radio show, and signature coaching programs, Deborah Jane Wells helps people build lives and organizations they love. She and her husband live in Williamsburg, Virginia, with their three coaching cats. To learn more about Deborahs work in the world, visit www.djwlifecoach.com.

Book preview

Endorsements

It’s almost axiomatic these days in the spiritual realm to say loving yourself first is the key to spiritual growth. But Deborah Jane Wells goes farther than just offering a platitude—she shows us what loving oneself looks like in the real world.

Her personal story of transformation is both inspirational and motivational. For outsiders looking in, Wells had something of a dream existence—meaningful high-paid employment at a well-respected top-level consulting firm. She held solid credentials, reaped monetary rewards and honest kudos from her peers. But after 30 years in the field, she found herself profoundly overweight, deeply depressed, unable to mine this outward appearance of abundance for a sense of inner contentment. Even her therapist at the time told her, your job is killing you, you need to quit—no easy task for one so richly rewarded. To just about everyone but herself, she appeared to be the epitome of success.

Fortunately for us beneficiaries of Wells’ wisdom, she took a five-year sabbatical to chart her path forward. As poet Rainer Maria Rilke suggests, she has lived deeply into the answers to some of life’s deepest questions. She lost 80 pounds and kept it off, conquered depression and built a new and satisfying career as a Life Coach and facilitator.

I can relate to her stuckness; that stuck in the mud inability to move forward. Stuckness can take many forms from unhappiness in marriage or career, to addictions and other patterns of self- destruction.

Her journey to spiritual wisdom and self-love is life changing, not just for her, but potentially for anyone who reads her book. Her compassion extends to others as she describes how to find and sustain a love of self that can propel individuals into personal transformation. And she manages to pull this off with incredible wit and panache. Be brave, follow Deborah’s example: read this book, learn to live the loving, fulfilling life you’ve always wanted.

―Rev. Nicki Royall Peet, Ordained Minister, Author of The Shaman’s Daughter, www.tiny.cc/nrpweddings

I am forever grateful for the inspiration Deborah has given me through her words because this book has helped me transform my life. By following its clear-cut directions, I’m able to quickly identify limiting beliefs that are keeping me from moving forward, and transition those beliefs into positive action. I’ve personally broken through many barriers by doing this work and would highly recommend this book to anyone, regardless of what stage of life they are in. In reading Deborah’s book, I was able to create my own affirmations to support me on my daily journey. They are posted all over my home serving as reminders of how far I’ve come. My copy of the book is full of sticky notes and highlights—I’ll continue to use it throughout my life as a guide. Thank you, Deborah!

―Heather Jones, Author of The Double Standard in Dating, President & Founder of GROW Learning Management System, www.growlearning.com

With admiration and gratitude, I highly recommend Choose Your Energy: Change Your Life! Deborah Jane Wells shares her journey through both highs and lows. Her personal stories are touching, genuine and most of all inspiring. I found myself relating to many of the struggles she so clearly outlines—her own and client stories. Her transparency makes me trust her counsel. Her experience is staggering. I’m an avid reader so I was thrilled to find her book loaded with models, charts, and practical applications for enhancing my own journey forward. She also provides an abundance of resources for further learning and exploration. As an executive coach and facilitator of leadership development, I plan to recommend her book for my own clients as they sometimes face many of the same challenges she addresses. I now keep her book within reach to refer to again and again.

―Kathy Cooperman, MA, CSP, KC Leadership Consulting LLC, www.kathycooperman.com

To me the great thing about Deborah’s book is how accessible she makes the ideas. The Oxygen Mask is probably the single best example. As with so many of the ideas in the book, she explains the principle in such a simple way that it’s got universal application to virtually any reader. I can imagine people having multiple moments of Oh … I get it! throughout the book. The stories from her own life as well as stories of her clients’ experiences become stories about all of us—stories about which the reader will think, I am living my own version of this. Well done—bravo!

―Joe Calloway, Author of Be the Best at What Matters Most: The Only Strategy You Will Ever Need, www.JoeCalloway.com

With the same energy and determination she applied in the professional world, Deborah has taken her considerable expertise in human potential and has now set her sights on the largest co-op in the world, humanity. Choose Your Energy, Change Your Life! tackles what I believe are the most important questions we each must ask: who am I, where did I come from, why am I here, and what’s love got to do with it (cue Tina Turner)? These are not trivial or philosophical questions for the answers change what we do, why we do it, who and what we love. I am grateful for the opportunity to walk with Deborah on this critical journey.

―JD Messinger, Author of 11 Days in May: The Conversation That Will Change Your Life, www.JDMessinger.com

I have heard many spiritual teachers, self-help guides, and authors say that we must love ourselves. However, I have encountered few, if any, who actually told us how to do it. That is, until now. In Choose Your Energy: Change Your Life! Deborah Jane Wells provides us with a clearly defined method for doing just that. Through sharing her personal story of recovery and the stories of some of her clients, Deborah not only gives us hope that loving ourselves is possible, but she also shares the tools that each of us can use to do it for ourselves. This book has the power to transform your life. It is clear and concise and offers a detailed framework for applying the tools. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is seeking to make meaningful and lasting changes in their lives."

―Rev. David Howard, Senior Minister, Unity Spiritual Center Denver, www.denverunity.org

Do you feel overwhelmed, out of sorts, and unfulfilled? Do you work and strive to do more, and still find that no matter how much you do it’s never enough? Do you feel depleted and constantly on the hamster wheel of life? Striving but never arriving to a place of contentment and peace? Do you over give to everyone else and find that you feel empty and unappreciated, yet struggle with receiving from others in return? Do find yourself stuffing those empty feelings with food, alcohol, shopping, social media, toxic relationships, or some other obsession or habit that leaves you feeling unsatisfied? Have you searched for answers but have come up empty handed? Then this is the guidebook to help transform your life by not only helping you learn to fall in love with yourself, but explore patterns that no longer serve your highest good.

This amazing book is packed full of skills, tools, and techniques to assist you on the journey to a life fueled by love rather than fear. Deborah Jane Wells will challenge you to examine your life and will teach you the Discovery Framework that will guide you to choose love, respect, curiosity, compassion, and gratitude as your core energy. Through this new perspective, it will help you implement and experience the flow of faith, hope, prosperity, peace, and joy so that you can live a fulfilled life. She will walk with you while sharing her own journey of struggles and help you learn to find balance, hope, and inspiration to live a life that you truly love. As a psychotherapist and someone who has struggled on my own journey in life I highly recommend this book to anyone who is really ready to face the challenges of getting unstuck and ready to make real changes in their life and to learn to fall in love with the person who matters most … You!

―Angela McGoldrick, MS, LPC, Executive Director of Life in Balance, www.lifeinbalancecenter.com

Just as all of us are born as unique individuals with gifts and abilities, all of us encounter unique obstacles and challenges in life that may limit or hinder us in fully expressing our gifts and abilities. In Choose your Energy: Change your Life! Deborah Jane Wells encourages us to discover ourselves, embrace who we are and welcome life’s challenges as opportunities rather than roadblocks. I found this book to be insightful and encouraging in its message. What we tell ourselves about ourselves is the backdrop against which we then measure the significance and value of all our life’s encounters, experiences, accomplishments, or failures. When we choose to stand upon a foundation of love and respect for ourselves, it follows that we can view the world around us with the same positive energy. Curiosity, compassion, and gratitude can be powerful and transformative attitudes we extend to the world around us when we choose first to view ourselves with these same grace-based convictions. This book will be an affirmation to all who read it.

―Debra Maviglia Podish, Programs Director, Hospice House & Support Care of Williamsburg, VA, www.williamsburghospice.org

Here is what I know about Deborah Jane Wells… she walks her talk. I was a witness to her process for writing this book and she followed her energy and her heart every step of the way. The principles and wisdom shared in her book, along with practical steps for truly creating meaningful change in your life, come from Deborah’s personal life experience and that of many of her clients. In life, she is curious, courageous, loving, spiritual, and always willing to delve deeper to understand herself better. And she offers this same support and guidance for all who cross her path. Deborah embodies a unique combination of an organized, well-developed left-brain balanced by a strong connection to her creativity and inner capacities. As a result, Choose Your Energy: Change Your Life! offers a holistic approach to personal growth. This book is filled with engaging personal stories and a series of tools that you’ll use throughout your life.

―Anne Barton, Founder of The E Life, www.annebarton.coachesconsole.com

I was trained as a research scientist over a half-century ago. The agreed-upon methodology centered upon empirical evidence. Such evidence was continually subject to verification—or falsification—through repeated experimentation and re-interpretation. By virtue of this iterative process, narratives and subjective experiences were de-valued or dis-credited entirely. Only objective/dispassionate experiences and observations were worthy of serious scrutiny. All scientific publications, research proposals, and presentations to professional meetings were expected to be grounded in objectivity. Story telling was viewed, at best, as a harmless diversion from the search for truth.

In Choose Your Energy: Change Your Life! Deborah Jane Wells brings personal narrative—and love—back to their proper places in human understanding. Drawing upon her decades of experience as a writer, speaker, and empowerment coach, she recognizes the important distinction between stuff that’s true and stuff that matters. To be sure, these two realms are overlapping, not mutually exclusive. Yet their methodological focus is different. Personal narrative gives essential recognition to the ambiguity, paradoxes, contradictions, chaos, and imperfections that constitute every living system. Life unfolds through tinkering and testing, not via intelligent design. I recall the words of the biologist Lewis Thomas, who observed (in The Medusa and the Snail, 1974), The capacity to blunder slightly is the real marvel of DNA. Without this special attribute, we would still be anaerobic bacteria. And there would be no music.

If you are comfortable with life’s ambiguities, contradictions, and contingencies and if you are able to welcome the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune as gifts for learning and maturing, then Deborah Jane Wells’ compelling memoir into stuff that matters will invite your engagement. You may even be prompted to re-consider some of your favorite hobbyhorses and learned limitations.

―Rev. David A. Johnson, Unitarian Universalist Minister, www.uua.org

Browse complete book reviews and testimonials from coaching clients, Reiki students, and radio guests at www.tiny.cc/djwtestimonials.

Choose Your Energy:

Change Your

Life!

When you fall in love with yourself, everything else falls into place

Deborah Jane Wells

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Copyright © 2013 Deborah Jane Wells.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Information on Energy Leadership™ (© 2006-2017 Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching) used by permission. Energy Leadership™ and the Energy Leadership Index™ are trademarks owned by the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC) used by permission. No reproduction or retransmission is permitted without expressed written consent of Bruce D. Schneider and iPEC.

ISBN: 978-1-4525-7319-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-7321-2 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-7320-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013907690

Balboa Press rev. date: 09/27/2017

With a Foreword by

Liz Phillips Fisch, CPC, PCC, ELI-MP, M.Ed., Vice President,

Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC)

Dedication

For my Sources, human and Divine, with eternal love and gratitude for the gift of life. Your precious legacy made possible everything that followed—my personal journey to wholeness and the joy of sharing my message of hope, possibilities, and empowerment with the world.

Gladys Gladdie Elizabeth Aust Wells

John Wesley Wells, Sr.

Grace Marion Adams Aust

Harry Aust

Kathryn Grace Drumheller Reichenbach Wells

Eli Kirschner Wells

And for my beloved life companions, human and feline, whose love, respect, curiosity, compassion, and gratitude infuse each moment of my life with faith, hope, prosperity, peace, and joy. Your very existence enriches my ability to reveal and advance the highest good for all, in all, through all.

Wilson Ray Abney

Matthew Dungan Abney

Anne Elizabeth Barton

SiddhaLee

Mortimer

Maisy Jane

Contents

Foreword

Preface

Easy Does It

Thoughts on Organization Transformation

Gender-Specific Pronouns

Great Expectations

Acknowledgments

Introduction: Setting Sail

Turning Point 1

Turning Point 2

Turning Point 3

Turning Point 4

Turning Point 5

Turning Point 6

Turning Point 7

Part I: What’s Love Got to Do with It?

Chapter 1: The Lesson of Hope

Chapter 2: The Lesson of the Oxygen Mask

Part II: The Discovery Framework

Chapter 3: Setting Your Intention—Living in Flow

Birthing the Framework

Framework Overview

Flow Scan

Chapter 4: Choosing Your Fuel—The Role of Core Energy

Love

Respect

Curiosity

Compassion

Gratitude

The Principle of Circulation

Core Energy Scan

Energy Leadership Index Assessment

Chapter 5: Creating Balance—Feeding Your Nine Senses

Outer Senses—I Celebrate My World

See

Touch

Hear

Smell

Taste

Inner Senses—I Imbue My Experience with Meaning

Creativity

Vitality

Spirituality

Belonging

Sensory Balance Scan

Chapter 6: Achieving Equanimity—Your Personal Board of Directors

Your Board Members’ Agendas

Sage’s Agenda

Guardian’s Agenda

Muse’s Agenda

Board Principles and Dynamics

Gender Identity

Choosing Names

In the Beginning

Why the Guardian Takes Over

How the Muse Learns to Be Sneaky

Why the Sage Is Out to Lunch

Thorny Combinations

A Personal Example

Trusting Your Board’s Discernment

Equanimity Scan

Chapter 7: Making It Happen—Tools for Fostering Flow

Part III: Lessons in Living

Chapter 8: Foundation

The Lesson of the Blocks

The Lesson of the Gremlin

The Lesson of the Butterfly

Chapter 9: Core

The Lesson of Core Strength

The Lesson of Baby Steps

The Lesson of Behave As If

Chapter 10: Focus

The Lesson of the Journey

The Lesson of Living with Intention

The Lesson of Connection

Part IV: Living the Lessons

Chapter 11: The Manifestation Mindset

A Real Life Application

Mindset Scan

Chapter 12: Finding a Guide

What is a professional life coach?

Why is life coaching so powerful?

I’ve done some therapy. Are we going to spend a lot of time rehashing my past again?

How can a coach help me without firsthand knowledge of what I have experienced?

As a life coach, do you coach business situations?

What role does accountability play in working with a professional coach?

What difference does coach certification make?

Why is more than 90 percent of life coaching done by phone rather than in person?

There are only so many hours in a day. How do you decide which clients to work with?

Why do you base your coaching on iPEC’s Energy Leadership model?

How does completing the Energy Leadership Index assessment support your clients’ growth?

I’m still not sure coaching is for me. How can I be sure?

Chapter 13: Supporting Your Success

About the Author

Appendix

Meditation

Tonglen

The Art of Reiki

Daily Practice

Centering

Affirmations

Statement of Intentions

Download the Daily Practice

Spiritual Elders

References and Recommended Reading

Illustrations

Figure 1: Discovery Framework

Figure 2: Flow Scan

Figure 3: Core Energy

Figure 4: Love and Fear

Figure 5: Core Energy Scan

Figure 6: Outer Senses

Figure 7: Chakra Summary

Figure 8: Inner Senses

Figure 9: Sensory Balance Scan

Figure 10: Your Personal Board of Directors

Figure 11: Your Board Members’ Agendas

Figure 12: Sage’s Agenda

Figure 13: Guardian’s Agenda

Figure 14: Muse’s Agenda

Figure 15: Equanimity Scan

Figure 16: Tools for Fostering Flow

Figure 17: Mindset Scan

You may download larger full-color versions of all illustrations at www.tiny.cc/djwillustrations.

When you fall in love with yourself,

everything else finally falls into place,

with beauty, power, and grace.

When you release the illusion of fear

and embrace the truth of love,

you will know in each moment

who you are and Whose you are.

That, my dear friends,

is more than enough.

It is everything.

―Deborah Jane Wells

Foreword

My library is filled with self-help books, stories of personal transformation, and books about coaching, leadership, and psychology. The book you are about to read combines elements of all of these genres and will lead you on a personal journey to self-understanding, self-acceptance, and self-love. Lest you think that sounds self-ish, let me assure you that, as Deborah explains very effectively in her Lesson of the Oxygen Mask in part I, chapter 2, those qualities are essential for every aspect of your life, including your relationships with others. The best gift that you can give yourself—and others—is the gift of self-love, which leads to an authentic life of truly expressing yourself in all that you do.

I first met Deborah at her last live weekend of training to become a life coach. As a trainer, curriculum developer, and researcher at the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC), I am privileged to meet, and be inspired by, hundreds of students each year. These students take the iPEC training they receive to coach with different focuses (life purpose, relationships, wellness, etc.) in many different areas (corporate, small business, healthcare, athletics, etc.). I can’t say that I remember them all—though I try to—but Deborah was one who stood out for me. In fact, drawn by her message of falling in love with yourself, I hired her as my own personal coach and have been working with her, over a period of many months, exploring the concepts contained in this book.

This work is powerful and transformational. Deborah is a guide with ultimate credibility—not only has she mastered coaching skills, but she’s wise and intuitive, she’s been on this path herself, and she freely and generously desires to share the wisdom she’s learned on that journey. I marveled, as I read though the book, at how much I did not know about the details of Deborah’s story; this is a testament to her complete objectivity in our sessions and her purpose, throughout those sessions, of focusing entirely on me and my growth. The Discovery Framework that she so eloquently describes in this book is something that we’ve worked on extensively. It was powerful for me, even after months of working on getting to know my personal board of directors and the factors that feed my soul, to read the comprehensive explanation she sets forth here.

One gift that cannot be shared in a book is the gift of Deborah’s intuitive hits—often, she knows what I’m feeling, and why, even before I do. Having her as a partner on my journey has made the path richer and deeper. Through her book, we all now have her words and wisdom available any time we want a guide to living an authentic life filled with love, respect, curiosity, compassion, and gratitude.

Wishing you the best on your personal journey,

Liz Phillips Fisch, CPC, PCC, ELI-MP, M.Ed., Vice President,

Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC)

Preface

When your birth includes a near-death experience, you know you are in for a wild ride. A fifty-five-year roller coaster of triumph and burnout led to finding my life purpose more than five decades later. Mine is a story of hope. Yours can be too.

As a board-certified empowerment coach, organization transformation consultant, Reiki master teacher, artist, author, and broadcast personality, I have pursued a lifelong passion for the transformative power of love. I help individuals and organizations learn to harness that power to step into their greatness.

When we choose fear as our fuel, any of us—individuals and organizations alike—can become stuck in the hamster wheel approach to life. Trapped by the mistaken belief that busyness is the same as purpose, we can’t stand the way we’re living but feel powerless to change.

As we work together, my clients discover what I discovered: when you fall in love with yourself, everything else falls into place, personally and professionally. Choosing love as your core energy automatically enhances every aspect of your life: your perceptions, opportunities, relationships, and priorities. You get unstuck, reclaim your personal power, and recapture your zest for living, moving yourself forward into a life you love. When love transforms your relationship with yourself, it transforms your personal life, your work, and the world.

Instead of choosing to live as a victim of circumstance, consider embracing the power of loving yourself unconditionally through insights, encouragement, clear strategies, and practical tools built on

my personal journey, including a sustained eighty-pound weight loss, freedom from a ten-year bout of debilitating depression, and finding my purpose sharing hope, possibilities, and empowerment with the world;

living in flow, a fluid journey to wholeness grounded in who you are being not what you are doing;

the Discovery Framework that grew out of my experience, including core energy, sensory balance, and your personal board of directors; and

Lessons in Living inspired by the journeys of my clients.

What’s love got to do with it? Everything!

The