The Epic Adventures of Whiz Grass and Poot Berry

By Frank, Church and Aloura Barnas

As you should have guessed by the title, this is not the standard bedtime story with a princess and a prince and an evil stepparent and some sort of magic spell. Not one castle, nor trolls, not even an enchanted forest is tucked with loving care into this bedtime story. To be totally honest about the whole shebang, its not so much a bedtime story as a bedtime epic event. An explanation may be in order right about now.
There are 30 Adventures in this saga, to be read in order as bedtime stories. No skipping around, mind you, because it will make even less sense if you do that, so when you get to the Temple of the Belchmonkeys and your mind is not totally prepared for it, well, thats a whole different bucket of pickles altogether. And you could rip through more than one story in a night, but that might just make your kids loopy.
30 Adventures, 30 nights, so youre pretty much covered for a month. Now, somebodys going to screech that some months have 31 days (thanks, May and October and you other troublemakers for screwing this up) and so you have a day left over. And theres some real hollering going on about the February problem, and how if you read this story during that month, even during a leap year, you still have extra story left over. The thing is, the story is 30 nights long because its a nice round number (unlike 31, which is prime, for crying out loud) and thats how long the story takes to tell. So there.
The important idea is that this is an interactive story. Not a passive story where your kid lays there like an unfortunate lump on the mattress and you yammer on until you bore the poor child to sleep. This story has a narrator reading the action lines (thats you, sport). There are also 21 different voices in the tale, all of which youll have fun doing. Even better, let your child read along and read a voice or two. The full list of voices is on the next few pages, plus what we think they sound like, although you can change them pretty much any way you want. Its not like were keeping score.
Also, you will find action lines sprinkled throughout. Youll recognize these because theyre in italics so they look like theyre in motion, hence we call them action lines and they instruct you or your offspring to do certain things. Be nice and gentle, since youll have to start a pillow fight in Adventure 1. Remember, youre bigger. Play nice.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Oct 14, 2011
• ISBN: 9781463445263

Frank

Frank Barnas faced a problem. The kids, Church and Aloura, were bored with the typical bedtime stories that had been memorized, yawned at, and recited a thousand times. So, why not a new story? A story with 30 adventures to be told over 30 nights, each adventure with voices for the kids, activities so they don't get bored, and a cliffhanger to perk them up for the next night. This story spans 30 nights of bedtimes with socks as boomerangs, bad impersonations of occasional monkeys, cows, beavers and chickens, and voices so awesome that anyone who can fake a Texas twang will find themselves at home. Home for Frank, Church and Aloura is in Georgia. Where the bedtime stories allow them to sleep soundly at night.

Book preview

The Voices of the Following Epic and How We’d Say ’Em If We Said ’Em

The Main Characters

Narrator:

This is you in a normal voice, unless you can do a Texas twang, which is even better.

Whiz:

A relaxed superhero voice. Easy-going and friendly.

Poot:

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, it’s okay if he sounds a lot confused.

Chief Full Moon Rising:

Deep, monotone voice of a true Indian Chief. Starts speaking by saying How.

Liz:

An Indian princess who speaks in a proper English accent. Kinda like the Queen.

Jose’ the Amazing Trilingual Cow:

Speaks English, Spanish, and Bovine with an outrageous Hispanic accent.

Fluff the Omnivorous Beaver:

This is one ill-tempered beaver. Deep and scratchy voice, prone to shouting.

The Voices of the Following Epic and How We’d Say ’Em If We Said ’Em

The Everybody Else Occasionally Appearing Characters

Ginger the Jackalope:

Perfect voice for a young’un, eager and happy.

Otto:

Very grumpy. He does something odd when he talks, though.

Evil Bob:

Pure evil, which is great sinister fun. Gives a wild cackle every now and then.

Edgar the Jerkrabbit:

A time share salesman, slick and loud whenever he talks.

The Belchmonkeys:

Multiple belchmonkeys talk, so you have ample chance to sound ape-like.

Karl the Woodpecker of Great Annoyance:

Really in a yucky mood, he sounds like he does push-ups for fun.

Ernie the Barking Spider:

Incredibly happy, talks really really really fast when excited.

Invisibill:

He’s invisible, but overly dramatic with a creepy laugh.

Sly the Death Lizard of Fury:

Slithery, lizardy and very good at drooling.

Vivian the Badtempered Hissing Attack Cat:

A nasty kitty who looks nice but is ready to hiss and claw.

Jean-Luc the French French Poodle:

Very snooty and arrogant, Jean-Luc is bred from the finest of all French French Poodles.

Vonda the Voodchuck:

Thick Russian accent, she pronounces Ws like Vs and vice versa. Or wise wersa.

ChoCho the Ninja Trout:

Extremely laid-back, ChoCho is like a California surfer with less attitude.

Hank the Muscular Turkey:

Big and beefy, Hank has absolutely no sense of humor.

Cammie the Supreme Boneless Chicken:

A very sleepy bird that yawns a lot. But she’s not so much tired as she is boneless.

Adventure One:

An Oodle of Jackalopes

(If you’re the narrator, make sure a pillow is handy. Oh, and start reading out loud now.)

Listen up, little sodpounders, as I tell you an epic tale from back in the days of the Old West and the Pecos River. Back when a cow could be your friend, when a boneless chicken wasn’t just a sandwich, and when a tumbleweed was, well, pretty much just a tumbleweed. Two cowboys roamed the Old West back then, named Whiz and Poot, or Poot and Whiz if you wanted to call ’em the other way. They rode on their horses named Pete and Repete, and they stayed pretty much to themselves. Not that they weren’t friendly, but with names like Whiz and Poot, most folks tended to keep their distance.

Now Whiz and Poot or Poot and Whiz were true cowboys. They had the cowboy hats, the cowboy boots, and what we will politely refer to as the cowboy smell. They were a little bit stinky and a little bit hairy. Whiz was taller and skinnier and Poot was shorter and fatter. But they were cowboy buddies, and sometimes they would just ramble on about not much.

That’s sort of what was happening today.

Whiz: Say, Poot.

Poot: Yeah?

Whiz: You know what I haven’t seen in a while?

Poot shielded his eyes against the sun and looked at the tumbleweeds all around them.

Poot: A tumbleweed.

Whiz: Oh, come on. I see tumbleweeds all over the place.

Poot: Hey! I see ’em, too!

Whiz: There you go!

Then they would ride along for a bit, not realizing that their conversation had ended early and not really caring about what Whiz hadn’t seen in a while either. It was like that back in the days of the Old Pecos. Until you saw something just flat-out different that caught your eye. Like a jackalope.

Whiz: A jackalope? Sure, I’ve heard of a jackalope.

Poot: A herd of jackalopes? Jackalopes don’t come in herds.

Whiz: I said, I’ve heard of jackalopes.

Poot: Cows come in a herd. Bats and geese come in a herd. Jackalopes come in an oodle.

Whiz: Oh, really? An oodle of jackalopes!

Poot: Yeah, they’re part jackrabbit and part… . lope.

Whiz: They’re part lope?

Poot: Other part’s rabbit. I think that’s the front part.

Poot wasn’t right about that, of course. As we all know, a jackalope looks like a rabbit, only it has antlers and can move at about ten times the speed of a regular rabbit, even faster than that if it’s in a hurry, like it needs to get to a place to have its antlers shined and the place is closing in a few minutes and there’s a bunch of traffic in the way between the jackalope and the antler place, but back in the Pecos days, the traffic was mostly just tumbleweeds in the way, so the jackalope would have to run and jump and run and jump all over the tumbleweeds in a really really big hurry.

Poot had no way of knowing this. Which is why he was thoroughly surprised when a jackalope suddenly sprang over the tumbleweed next to him and hit him in the face.

(Grab a pillow and whap your young’un with it. Not hard, just enough to feel like a jackalope. Now, if you already hit the young’un too hard, that wasn’t nice at all, and honestly, you should have read through this whole sentence before you just hauled off and whapped ‘um like that. Easy there, pardner.)

Poot: Ow! Jackalope!

Whiz: I’ve heard of jackalopes. Wait, that’s not right. I’ve oodled of jackalopes.

Without warning, another jackalope sailed over another tumbleweed and popped Whiz in the face.

(Assuming you still have your whapping pillow in your hand, or at least it’s nearby, whap your young’un with it again. If you have two young’uns, go ahead and pillow-whap the one you didn’t pop already. Got more than two, it’s pretty much your call. Somebody will be surprised!)

Whiz: Ye-Ouch! Another jackalope!

The two jackalopes bounded away over the tumbleweeds. Whiz and Poot looked at each other, then looked at the tumbleweeds. And then… . very faint… they heard something rumble.

(Put the pillow on your lap and drum on it softly.)

The rumbling got a little bit faster and a little bit louder. Then a little bit faster. Then a little bit louder. Poot saw them first.

Poot: Look!

(Pound the pillow fast. You need it to sound like an oncoming oodle of jackalopes bounding toward you.)

Now, whenever a herd, gaggle, or oodle of something is moving toward you, it’s a scary sight. But when that oodle looks like a wide river of fast-moving jackalopes, you know you’re about to be hit by the jackalopes. A lot.

(Stop pounding the pillow and swing away. In fairness, your young’un should be equipped with a pillow too. Do this until the most of the jackalopes have passed.)

And then, just when you thought there was no way out, Whiz did something amazing. He pulled off his cowboy hat and held it out in front of this face. A jackalope sailed through the air and directly into the hat. The other jackalopes saw this and stopped running immediately, because anyone who was fast enough to catch an airborne jackalope was mighty impressive. All of the jackalopes… stopped.

Except for one. Her name is Ginger.

(Whap your kid with a quick pillow sucker-punch one last time. Then put the pillow down to show that the jackalopes have indeed stopped.)

Ginger: Hey! Put me down! We’ll be late!

Whiz: Late for what?

Ginger: We need our antlers shined! And a shiny antler is a happy antler!

359335_01_lineart%20copy.jpg

Whiz: Sorry there, Missus Jackalope. I was just trying to protect my noggin so I wouldn’t get walloped by you when you jumped by.

Ginger: Say, you’re pretty quick to catch a jackalope in midair. Your reflexes are faster than a cat. Maybe even as fast as a beaver.

The other jackalopes gathered around and nodded in admiration.

Whiz: Aw, I wouldn’t say I’m as quick as a beaver.

Ginger: Do you think you’re quicker than a bat in a cave?

Now this was an unusual question. Cats are speedy little devils, and beavers are even quicker (details will be provided in Adventure 9, by the way), but how do you time yourself against a bat? Whiz started to ponder an answer, but Poot just blurted one out anyway.

Poot: Sure, he’s faster than a bat! Faster than a whole bunch of bats!

The jackalopes looked at each other and nodded at the ‘lope in Whiz’s hat. That ‘lope nodded back and made an offer to Whiz.

Ginger: Say, Mister Cowboy…

Whiz: Please, call me Whiz. This is my pardner, Poot.

Poot: Howdy.

Ginger: Nice to meet both of you. My name’s Ginger. And on behalf of us jackalopes, we’d like to make you an offer. Not too far away from here is the old Silverado mine. We used to work down there, but our lanterns ran out of kerosene. By the time we picked up some kerosene, the mine was too spooky to go into any more.

The other jackalopes nodded in agreement.

Whiz: I don’t mind dark, and Poot doesn’t mind spooky. We’ve got you covered.

Ginger: Do I need to tell you why it’s creepy down there? It’s not just because it’s dark. Some yucky little critters moved in while we were getting the kerosene.

Poot: That’s okay.

Ginger: Wonderful! There’s a lot of silver down there that we dug but didn’t bring out yet. We will give you half of it if you do this for us.

Poot: We’re happy just to help out. You don’t need to pay us.

Ginger: We will, because if we didn’t, we’d never have the silver. Just go in, get the silver, and get out.

Whiz: Sounds like a quick job.

Ginger: Yes, Mister Whiz, it will be quick, but only because you must be fast. Faster than a bat. Faster than a herd of ten thousand bats.

Adventure Two:

If You Know Guano Like I Know Guano

(Flashlights are needed for this chapter. Leave the lights on for now, just have the flashlights close by. And get ready to mumble through a bandana.)

Gather ‘round, little critters, as we check in on our two fearless cowboy heroes, Whiz Grass and Poot Berry. Now, some of you with bigger brains will instantly figure out that you hadn’t heard their last names before, they had just been called Whiz and Poot. You may also remember that when we last left our buddies, an oodle of jackalopes was leading them to the smelliest and stinkiest hole ever found in the earth.

We join our cowboys at the edge of the Silverado mine. The hole of the Silverado was about ten feet across and it went straight down into the sandy soil. You could see in for a few feet, but after that, it was dark. A stinky smell came out of the hole. It was smelly enough to make Whiz and Poot think long and hard about doing this favor for the jackalopes.

Whiz: I don’t know. See, a favor is more like helping someone carry a bag. Or maybe loaning them a quarter.

Poot: Could you loan me a quarter?

Whiz: No.

Ginger: But this would be the greatest favor you could ever do for us jackalopes. We jackalopes are terrified of dark places.

The other jackalopes nodded in agreement. Whiz and Poot looked at their eager faces and came to the same conclusion.

Poot: We’re gonna need some tweezers.

Whiz: What? No, we’re gonna need a lamp.

Poot: Hey! That’s even better!

Whiz and Poot rummaged into the saddlebags that were on their horses, Pete and Repete. Saddlebags were handy things, carrying cowboy items like rope, bandanas, candle lamps that worked like flashlights, and even smaller items like tweezers. Poot hauled out the tweezers first.

Whiz: Nope. The other stuff is what we need.

Poot: Oh, yeah.

Poot chucked the tweezers back into his saddlebag and pulled out a candle lamp and a rope. He tied a bandana around his mouth.

Whiz: What’s the bandana for?

(Bandana time! Put it over your mouth and mumble whenever somebody does it in the story. Like right now.)

Poot: Whumm fumm mpphhu whum pffumm.

Whiz: That doesn’t make sense.

Poot: Mm-hmm! Blimm fummum ymmm mum mum.

Whiz: Oh, you’re right. That’s a great idea!

The jackalopes gathered around, so Poot thought he should explain.

Poot: Mpphu whum whum muhm grphh oomph.

Whiz nodded approval and put on his own bandana.

Whiz: