A Psychotic Influence: Poems of a Psychotic Journey

By Gemma Darbon

This book contains many poignant mental health issues, and also depicts how one mentally ill individual perceives the world and its day-to-day obstacles. These poems are written from factual experiences and perceptions from certain psychotic, depressive, eating disordered, obsessive-compulsive and emotionally unstable perspectives.

These poems may allow a person who has no mental health issues to gain more insight into a mentally ill mindset, or maybe they will help to allow a mentally ill individual to know that they are not so alone after all...

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jan 10, 2012
• ISBN: 9781467887137

Gemma Darbon

This is my first self-published book. I feel that I am qualified to have written this piece due to the poems' specific content on mental ill health, and my first-hand experience from suffering with my own mental health issues. I have been ill for many years. I have been in-patient in general psychiatric hospitals through ten admissions. I have been admitted to different eating disorder units three times also. However, despite all these hospital stays, I have managed to achieve 10 A-C GCSEs, a BTEC National Diploma in Performing Arts, French Level 1 and British Sign Language Level 1 and Intermediate level. I am determined and a survivor as I have come from the brink of 4 stone 13 lbs (69lbs) up to a healthy weight for my height. I could have died from my illnesses but I am still here for a purpose and I believe that I might be able to help others out there feel less alone in their different mental health conditions. I am by no means recovered, but I have made a lot of progress towards getting better. I live in Essex with my fiancé and my 11 pet gerbils. I hope to carry on writing and studying British Sign Language and to one day obtain an employment role in a caring profession.

Book preview

© 2011 by Gemma Darbon. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 11/17/2011

ISBN: 978-1-4678-8712-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4678-8713-7 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

A Psychotic

Influence

Introduction

The Magic of the Snake

My Prison; My Head

The Original Sin:

The Nature/Nurture of the Demon Child

A Message to Myself:

The Dreaming of an Alternate Persona

Grow a Little Smaller

The Echo

Depots

Poemtron

The English Train

How Now?

First

Razor Blades

The Attire of Love

Senile Dementia

Hallucination

Nature; Gone Wrong

A Psychotic Influence

Mists Lifting

Air

(Not) Meant To Be Here

Now or Never

Numbers

Paradoxically

LOVE

How They Got Her And What It Created

Low IQ

Boundaries

A Hopeless Case

A Slip of Your Control

The Truth

The Road To DEATH/ The Path to LIFE

Dare We Interject?

Oh the ultimate microcosm of a macrocosm:

a waiting room

A Torn Ideation Of…

Perfect

Striving For Perfection

My Apocalypse Poem

A Psychotic

Maintenance

Mirrorland

Angel Wings Tattoo

The Dark Trees

An Impulsive Shopping Spree

PROGRESS

Meds.

My Life

Instrumental

Conformity

Number on the scale

Fragmented

The Process of Recovery

In a Lifetime

Social Networking Sites

~LIVE LIFE~

Envy Me

GERBILS

‘Magical Thinking’

MIND CONTROL

In Failed Flames

Gerbil Poem

Sleep

58-10/2

A Psychotic

Recovery

Introduction

Help Me to Help Me

Poison

LEFT BEHIND

Dangerous Behaviour

Ana

To Ana

Your Mia

A Disappearance of What Isn’t There

A Psychotic

Reassurance

A Dying Swan Lake From the Month of May

To The Guy Who _______

Pretty Little Box

A Questionable Stance

The Garden of Despair

A Fragmented Design

Dumped Part The Second, and Third and…

A Mug Half Emptied

The Voices

Nice

Uneventful

To My Psychiatrist

IP

Childhood Transitions

Christmastime

How To Get Un-Sectioned

Acknowledgements

A Psychotic

Influence

For Rebekah; because we make each other proud.

Introduction

I want to be better, but not in a way that denotes me as a victim or a martyr or weak.

I want to be better and to learn to ask for help when I need it.

I want to be able to not harm myself every single day. Most importantly, I want to do it for me. To live.

I know it’s not going to be a happily ever after fairy-tale ending, but I want to be as better as I can be in order to exist in a way to give myself, and those close to me, a reasonable quality of life. I may not ever be 100%, or even 99%, and I accept this. It might never be, but I am still here and I must make the most of my life instead of feeling helpless and dwelling on past abuse and fearing future victimization.

This book is primarily an outlet to me; a way of coping with the anguish of my illnesses. Yet, more importantly, I am hoping from this book, you, as the reader, will gain insight into various mental health conditions and the implications of suffering with an enduring disorder on a day-to-day basis.

Mental health problems are extremely common yet there is still so much stigma attached to various conditions. I feel that this needs to change; we all need to be heard.

I have suffered myself from mental health difficulties for the last thirteen years. I am 25 years old. I have fully recovered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Anorexia Nervosa. I currently suffer from Depression with Psychotic Symptoms, Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder Traits and Eating Disorder; Not-Otherwise-Specified (ED-NOS) . . . so many of these poems are based on true life as it’s happened to me or how I perceive things, in particular, the poem ‘How They Got Her…’ which is completely true, as are many other poems in the book.

I’d just quickly like to thank the Clinical Mental Health Teams (CMHTs) who have physically kept me alive. I’d like to thank the doctors, nurses, clinical support workers (CSWs) and occupational therapists (OTs) who were present during my 13 hospital stays. Also, my dear, dear family; without whom, I would be long gone. I love you all.

Lastly, if you are a sufferer of mental ill health, please be warned that the content of this book may trigger various emotions and please stop reading if you feel too triggered