The Abyss of the Self. How to Survive Deepest Nihilism?

By Don Nieve

This is a book out of all literary categories, of an essay nature, written in the first person. It combines metaphysics, religion, esotericism, philosophy, science and psychology. The common denominator is the individual, the human being, and how it relates to the whole. It can be hard for those whose connection is positive, clear and defined. But it becomes an atypical survival manual for those who are lost, those who have not found themselves at all, or for those who need an explanation and meaning to their lives that has not achieved any creed, thought, or hope...

 

"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We are the middle children of the history man, no purpose or place, we have no Great war, no Great depression, our great war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we are very, very pissed off"
—Tyler Durden, ("Fight Club" film.)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Don Nieve
• Release date: Dec 13, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393613039

Book preview

Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We are the middle children of the history man, no purpose or place, we have no Great war, no Great depression, our great war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we are very, very pissed off

—Tyler Durden, (Fight Club film.)

Here I am, trying to write you a letter. An extensive letter. A summary of all this time. From all these experiences. I don't know who you are. I don't know where the story of your life, or of your death, will have gone. I don't know if you've come out of the abyss, or if you'll be fully adapted to it. Maybe what I'm proposing now, will be definitive for you. Or maybe it's just an episode, in this sea of events, that constitutes the very existence.

Don't laugh at me, or judge me harshly. My intention is to try to guide you, to support you. Or at least, keep you company in moments of unbearable pain.

I am now 31 years old, it is September, Monday, the 12th of 2011. This is addressed to you, or rather to myself. What difference does it make? When I read this again, if I do, I'll be a different person. Each new day, each new or recurring thought that passes through you, changes you, makes you another. It shapes you, defines you, deforms you.

The water that flows through a river is not the same, even if it doesn't look like it. In this way, our being, the entity that defines us and we call I, could be compared to the water of the river. And our body, in its course. So, on a more elementary material level, our most immediate neural connections, our energy, that's what we would be.

And the memories? Do they not influence us in a constant, integrated, invariant way, ours? Are they not permanently coded, capable of being recalled at will? How can we be tied to a nervous immediacy, which forms an elusive, ambiguous present, on horseback from the past and the future, timeless?

The truth is, for this virtual database of information to exist, a continuous flow of energy is necessary. Energy generated chemically, translating perceptive, external and own signals. Shaping our thoughts, joy, nightmares, passions, and that which we call heart. This is the root of our spirit ultimately.

Our whole construction of the 'I' is fictitious. It is adaptive to have an identity, but it is an illusion. A brilliant chimera designed and implemented by the different components of our nervous system. If these structures function properly, the connection with this reality will be intense. If there is a disorder, the identity is conflictive, and the connection with this reality is weightless.

––––––––

Anyway, I'm not going to try to be very scientific, because I'm not an outright defender of rationality, and the limitations of a speech of this kind. Besides, I'm very lazy when it comes to protocols. I get desperate and bored with terrible ease.

I'm bold, but I'm not arrogant or presumptuous. I possess the courage of a dog that doesn't feel at home. Which may be expendable. That he has nothing to protect, nothing to lose, nothing to fervently desire, or to which he is attached. Like I was in one movie, and I should be in another, but I don't know which one. I feel like I'm in an abyss.

It is curious how the sensation of falling resembles the dizzying feeling of the ascent. It is possible that he is a romantic, or a depressive subject, according to psychology manuals.

I only know that I am surrounded by darkness, infinite emptiness, the absence of everything, even fear. Shortness of breath, near-sensory isolation. And yet, for the moment, I've never felt better, freer.

I have learned to forgive myself, to love myself, to enjoy that valley of shadows, which has always been there. It doesn't seem like a one-off thing, as I've been in this situation for many years, and I've been struggling all my life to stop the fall.

That's why as a firewall, either because someone reads this, or because I have risen to the surface of existence, I'm going to define it in stages. With previous indicators of not continuing. Because, while it may only make you laugh, it may also hurt your mind.

I don't know if I would have achieved this result, if all my humble goals had been met, or if I had been born in another era, if I was a bird, the wind, or a star... I may be heading for it sooner or later. Maybe it's something that has to happen to everyone, even if it's only at the moment of their elderly age, or their imminent and conscious death...

1. Base camp.

The camp is, metaphorically, the place where we all (or almost all) grow up. It is made up of society and its rules. 

A society separated from the ecosystem, from the world, from the reality of the universe. Fenced by an idea: 

Life and death are clearly distinguishable, and even conflicting, concepts. 

The earth, as a planet, framed in a stable, linear and limited universe. An idea of right and wrong. 

The feeling that we are special, in the presence of an indefinable being. It is clearly protective and kind, angry, but fair; a parent who won't leave us, if we do the right thing.

The belief that all the terrible things that happen to other people are because they deserve it. In the case of believing that his pain, or his fatal fate, is bad luck, we know in our hearts that he will not touch us. Because we're special. Because that always happens to others. Because we have to have faith, hope. We must hope that things, if they can be resolved, will work out on their own, by means of more or less religious prayers. And because this optimism will shield us from all evil.

Ours is a very fair society in which each one of us does our part in what we call security and well-being. If a person sets his mind to it, and is tenacious, he can achieve whatever he wants. Whether working or studying, the doors of the various systems are open. Most of us are educated, and we try to help each other, wanting the best for our neighbor. 

––––––––

The existence of values, of a conscience, of an honour. The feeling of loving something, or someone. The inner commitment to follow or support this person, no matter what happens. All this, since the beginning of humanity, has been more or less guided by religion. From the most remote or millennial tribes, come concepts that have common denominators: a creation made by God or gods and a faith submissive to them. That is, they take the blame for the consequences of living, thanks to a concept that has always fascinated, frightened, and disoriented man, almost as much or more than death: freedom.

The concept of freedom, for me, is simply to be a slave to oneself. And if you feel close to a god, or comparable love, you better be a slave to them. 

The alternative to not feeling that love and protection is independence, individuality, loneliness. 

To be free and to serve yourself is mainly necessary one thing: to know who you are.  

Science, curiosity, unraveling the truth.... Science seeks to kill God. If you are able to reconcile the idea of a creative and paternal entity with science, you better stay there, and do not want to leave the camp. Outside, only the shadows await, and the cold of the infinite emptiness. 

If you believe in evolution, following in its footsteps, inevitably leads you to the nothing. 

We are descended from the monkey, from life. Life, from the rational point of view, inevitably descends from matter. And this one, in turn, comes from the nothing. 

So, nothingness can be that generating entity that we call God. But this God is neither protective nor just. He's not even someone to watch over our actions. He is only an indifferent God. He has no emotions. He is a cold and distant God, who cares nothing about what he does or what happens to his supposed son. 

And I say so-called son, because for this generating system, we are probably just a consequence of his being. A result of the act of drinking, such as burping. Or flatulence, from eating.... The consequence of copulation, which can be children or venereal diseases. In short, we are probably only the reaction to the act of being, of the essence of the universe, of God. This way, we are not his favorite children. We are not his most precious creation. We're probably just a subproduct, rubbish.

By this I do not mean that we are negative, or that God hates us. I simply intend to say that we are merely an epiphenomenon of a movement that escapes our understanding: the continuous movement of energy.

The constant transformation, beyond the big bang, beyond the death of the universe.       

So your life, framed in this existential context, finds this truth. One of many truths, right. But undoubtedly, the most likely and accurate. 

How can the spirit survive with this burden? How can we carry on day by day, when today's religion, that of pleasure, of consumption, does not fill us up? How then can you give meaning to your life? If you are a person of the deep, of those who need a reason, a foundation, however small this value may be, and you do not find it, you are wrecked.

Welcome to nihilism.

Most things in our lives are based on a lot of lies. You remember, since I was a kid, it just didn't feel right. And when I say this, I mean all the constructions that make up existence; society, the fragile balance of the planet, our lives. And why not, our self.

Lies, yes. It is like creating a cloud of cotton inside the most inhospitable forest, and then filling that cloud of darkness in turn. Create rules and regulations so that the naive, the unwary, the weak, can easily fall and be food for the superior predators. Many different species masked in the ability to twist, to bend, artistically, thanks to the instrument of intellect and imagination. 

Rationality is used as a tool.

For those who instrumentalize it, do not center the essence of their being on it. They center it in their hearts. With the same kind of procedure and behavior of the beings with heart from outside the camp: like animals. 

And it's just that thinking with your heart, it's too much. It is addictive; so addictive that many of them even kill, or hurt themselves, just for the pleasure of it. 

I do not mean, by the term rationality, high speeches like Kant's. It would be more like the kind of reason Goleman proposes: a minimum of emotional intelligence. The ability to add one plus one, with peace of mind, after a light meditation and a certain judgment at the time of its execution. Any simple, happy, adapted person can do this. No high IQ is required.

What happens is that it is very difficult to talk a little bit with yourself, to know yourself, to order the house of thoughts that is your mind, your spirit. And I'm not surprised. The sophisticated person