My Journey--My Cross: As the Journals End

By Beth Ana

With retirement about to begin and RV traveling planned, author Beth Ana is dealing with sadness that sometimes overwhelms her. She wonders why. What is wrong with me? I should be so excited and eager for this life to start! The inner voice of God that has led her for over forty-five years leads her now to return to the journals that were written over her married life. She is impressed with the knowledge that there is where she will find the answers and the help needed to bring her joy back. Not only is she to go back to the past, God also tells her to write the story about this journey. She rebels at that notion, for it means revisiting past hurts and strugglesand who wants to go back there. Plus, she wonders, Just who would be interested in my life story? Gods replyRead the journals.

To her surprise, as she begins to start the journey back, she finds that indeed the roots causing her sadness are still buried within. To her added surprise, as she begins her RV travels, the entries of the past connect to the events occurring now, and God uses all to answer a prayer cried out two years into her marriage: Do something about him; change him, change him like you did St. Paul.

God works in wondrous mysterious ways, and just how He changes Beths life and marriage iswell, that is part of your journey as you read My Journey--My Cross.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jul 22, 2011
• ISBN: 9781449719203

Beth Ana

Like you, Beth Ana is an ordinary, extraordinary person. She has been given songs to sing and stories to share. Her journey includes marriage, motherhood, and nursing for forty years. As she was searching for answers to life’s struggles, the Holy Spirit led her to a great wisdom from all of life, the potter’s wheel.

Book preview

Chapter 1

The Journals Again

I stare at the stack of journals that sit before me. These journals have been pulled out from the closets and drawers, where they were stashed away for someone to find someday. Deep within my spirit, there has been a strong prompting to go back and read once more the messages and lessons that had helped me before.

In my heart, I really don’t want to do this, for I know, that along with the guidance and help that I have received; there are also the reminders of what I don’t want to see. I should just leave them out of sight and let others find them to read after I am gone and no longer around to tell my story. Someday the children might find solace and help from the journey that was the story of our marriage and our children’s beginnings.

Looking at the journals, I wonder, Why would anyone be interested in my life’s story? Disgusted with myself, I am about to put them all back, when somewhere from within comes the words again-

You need to be interested in your life’s story. Now do as you were led to do and begin again the journal’s journey.

Over the years, I have learned not to argue with that gentle inner Voice that has never led me astray. Okay, okay, an audible sigh of resignation leaves my throat. I am not for sure why You are taking me down a path I have already been, and really don’t know for sure if I want to go there again. But as You suggested, I will just open and read at random the events, the lessons and the stories and see where it leads me.

These journals were started in the beginning years of my marriage to my husband Gene. We were raising five children between us, and had moved to Ohio where Gene was working at his eighth job since the marriage had begun. The move to Ohio was one of those geographical cures that I read about later in my life when attending classes to help with my stormy world. You know, the Maybe if we move, things will be better elsewhere type of cure. In other words, run as fast as you can and hope that your problems stay put or never catch up. But, I found out that geographical cures do not work. Somehow our problems noticed our change of address and got forwarded along with the mail.

Gene and I first met, while he was serving in the Air Force stationed in the town where I was raised. I had been praying for a husband, for there was an eighteen month-old boy, my child, who was growing up fast without a daddy. The blind date was on Father’s Day, and this seemed like a good sign. This man was quiet, and had a good sense of humor. He informed me that he too, had a boy nine years old. With a Brady Bunch mentality, I begin to wonder if perhaps this was meant to be. Our first kiss came that night on the Ferris wheel when it left us sitting at the top, basket swinging, surrounded by the night’s warmth and a breeze that heightened the experience of the moment. Nice kisser, I think as Gene’s arms hugged me closer.

The next evening he showed up again, even though a date was not planned until the next Saturday. As we walked and talked, I questioned him about his previous marriage and life. Looking at him, I explained; I hope I am not scaring you. I need to know about your past before we go any further with seeing each other. I will not date a man that I cannot marry in my church.

Oh, he replied. I thought I had scared you when I asked you to marry me last night.

Thinking back twenty-four hours, I remembered how I was on my knees cleaning up some spilled coke, when he had said, Get up off your knees, I will marry you. (At the time, I remember thinking Funny man.)

I hesitantly ask him. You were serious? I studied His face, looking deeply into his eyes.

Yes, he said smiling. Then that inner Voice came from within and I am hearing–

This is the man you are to marry.

I looked at him for a moment longer, and then hear myself telling Gene, Okay, I will marry you. With peace, and calmness, I knew that Gene was the man God had sent to be my son’s father and my husband. No bells jangling or goose bumps or tingling sensations, just a sense that this was what I am to do. So it was that we began our story of a lovely lady and a handsome man, each with a child of our own.

The date for that next Saturday never happened, as Gene had to go on an emergency leave to be with his dad who was on death’s door from a hemorrhaging ulcer. When we next saw each other two weeks later, he puts a small diamond ring on my left hand, and spoke of not one, but two marriages and two sons. Oh, my heart and mind began to look for exits, for this was not good.

But, he said as he broke the news of two ex-wives, two sons: Mom said if you really loved me, you would understand.

Click. The exit door shut quickly and quietly. Of course, I am thinking, love does understand. Then my spiritual pride quickly rose, as I think—What would my future mother-in law think of me if I told Gene that someone twice married, was not the man for me? Oh foolish one.

In the years that followed, I would often think of that reasoning, and call myself a naive fool. The marriage would turn out to be a very rocky and stormy one. Gene, I would find out had learning disabilities as did his sons, and a lot of emotional baggage from being hurt by women in his life who had never accepted or loved him. As for his mom, she was very controlling, domineering, and tried to make Gene, who was adopted, the perfect child by the way she dressed him and cared for him. Some would refer to her as ‘anal’, but in her defense, she was a very loving, caring, smart, and hardworking. I believe Gene had seen in me, another version of mom and he knew he needed someone to take care of him and his first son, whom his mom had helped raise.

Of course, at the time, I did not see this or realize that I too, was dealing with emotional scars that would wreak havoc in our married life. This marriage was dysfunctional before that phrase was even coined. Like most girls growing up in the 60’s, my dream was for the idealistic marriage like Mom and Dad had. The husband worked and the wife could be a stay at home mom. Ideals, dreams and reality sometimes do not happen. What happened was all a part of what God had planned for both of us. That is really corny to say, and some would shake their heads at such gullible rationalization.

Gene would be very limited in his ability to provide for the family because of poor basic reasoning skills. Some doctors called his disability a hyper kinetic condition, others dyslexia, and now it is being referred to as attention deficit disorder. Whatever the name, strong negative emotions implanted in a person’s behavior will run rampant. It would take all the faith, searching, praying and seeking help from God to keep the marriage together. Many would be the times that I remember crying out Lord, whatever did You do to me?

With a troubled heart, I am still wondering about this today as I sit before the stack of journals. I am so confused God. For You have revealed how all that we experience is a gift and part of the purpose and plan that You have for each one. I just wish that I felt more joy along with that belief."

Read the Journals, Beth.

Chapter 2

Rebellion Within

Work and a busy life have intervened since that read the journals conversation. Today finds me fuming, disgusted and throwing a good hissy fit. I am so angry and I hate myself! My life is at a retiring stage, my health is going down hill, the knees ache; I am fifty pounds overweight, depressed, and sad. Lord there is no more joy since I have wandered from Your ways, as I seek out better gods to take care of my comfort needs. I am so easily swayed and led astray! God help me, I am so tired of this life,"

The Holy Spirit does not hesitate to respond. Into my mind come the psalmist’s words that express the same feelings that are down deep inside. What psalm was that anyhow? Go look it up. Opening the Bible, I do not have to look very far as the pages open to Psalm 6 verses 2-3

Oh Lord, reprove me not in Your anger, nor chastise me in Your wrath. Have pity on me, O Lord, for I am languishing; heal me, O Lord, for my body is in terror. My soul too is utterly terrified; but You, O Lord, how long? Return, O Lord, save my life; rescue me because of Your kindness.

Someone else has felt the same way. David has expressed in his prayers, his own desperation and frustration with life. These psalms all speak of a despairing spirit who longed for God’s help. Well look here, a man of God had written these words; in fact, our theology teacher said that there are some psalms that are referred to as ‘cursing Psalms.’ So I need to quit being mad at myself, for even the holiest of holy has despaired, fussed and cussed."

In the back of my mind, I remember sending out an email that I intentionally saved because of the lesson in it. Going to the computer, I find the words of a message that just a few days before were typed and sent out:

"I thought it more than coincidental that later yesterday when my husband and I set for quiet time, the Bible reading came from Lamentations Chapter 3 verses 7-26. This reading was so in tune with the message on hope, that I felt God wanted to add His own addendum for someone who is going through a great struggle, or depression or is about to face one perhaps. Whoever you are, reading this, God is with you always!!!

The reading: "He has hemmed me in with no escape and weighed me down with chains; even when I cry out for help, He stops my prayer. He has blocked my ways with fitted stones, and turned my paths aside.

A lurking bear He has been to me, a lion in ambush! (Or in our own words, why is everything going wrong for me today!!) He deranged my ways, set me astray, and left me desolate. He bent His bow, and set me up as the target for His arrow.

He pierces my sides with shafts from His quiver. I have become a laughing stock for all nations, they taunt all the daylong; He has sated me with bitter food, made me drink my fill of wormwood. He has broken my teeth with gravel, pressed my face in the dust; my soul is deprived of peace. I have forgotten what happiness is; I tell myself my future is lost, all that I hoped for from the Lord. The thought of my homeless poverty is wormwood and gall; remembering it over and over leaves my soul downcast within me.

But I will call this to mind, as my reason to have HOPE; the favors of the Lord are not exhausted, His mercies are not spent! We are renewed each morning, so great is His faithfulness. My portion is the Lord, says my soul; therefore will I hope in Him.

Good is the Lord to one who waits for Him, to the soul that seeks Him. It is good to HOPE in silence for the saving help of the Lord."

As I am typing this message, and after today’s lesson over at St. John’s, I wondered who the he was that was causing all the distress. In Job we find the devil up to his plans to cause Job to lose faith.

Perhaps we should remember, when we are down the best way up is to give thanks and praise for what is right in our lives and not focus on the wrong. I know from experience the devil cannot stand thanksgiving and praise to God. This will send the sucker flying.

So all you Peter Pans out there find your happy thoughts so you can fly again. Love ya and so does God. Beth"

Oh, my goodness, I wrote that email and sent it out!! Just a few days ago, I was talking the talk, now it is time to walk the walk. I too, have attention deficit disorder, look how quickly I let life pull me away from what God wants me to remember. To think that just recently I sent those words to others to encourage them. Now I am being encouraged by those same words. What is that saying about casting your bread upon the water?

Thank You God for once more You are reminding me what it is that I must do to be happy. Once more You are working in Your sweet mysterious ways to rescue me.

Whenever I ponder on God’s mysterious ways, it always brings a smile to my face, for He has proven time and time again that He is faithful and loves His children no matter which path we take or how human we may act. The fact that God has put Gene and I together in marriage is the biggest example of His mysterious ways in life.

Gene, many times I have judged to be very bull headed and proud. But, I too, have inherited Dad’s strong resolve to stand up for what you believe in. Nice words for stubborn and proud, huh? Control is used to keep a life running well, and to keep you from being hurt. But, Whose control should a marriage be under? For years, I have struggled with control issues, and in a mixed up marriage, push comes to shove and pushes back again. Too many times!

God had done His best to lead me in wisdom and understanding, and guide me to live His Way of submitting to the husband. Submitting, some may think, is to blindly obey and say yes to whatever the husband wishes. Another form of submitting though is to talk about and discuss in a calm way, all those issues that a married couple need to be deciding on together as a team. In other words, submit to each other what you think and believe you should do. Believe it or not submitting to the husband does work! But at the time, my brain did not accept this and felt that when it came to church and living a responsible life, this woman knew best what to do, for I was raised right weren’t I? My parents raised eight children and their example taught more than words ever could, on how important prayer and God were in a home. Prayer in Gene’s life were words only heard at church. Oh, what a prideful woman I was at times.

Church and schooling, helping with the children’s lessons, these are areas that dads must be involved in. This however were strong areas of discomfort for Gene and avoiding anything uncomfortable kept him on the sidelines in the family’s life. It also would lead to many fights, as church attendance was not negotiable. Like trying to put that proverbial square peg in a round circle, the end results were not pleasant, and it was all Gene’s fault for not agreeing with or supporting his wife. All his fault.

Meanwhile, God was at work to lead when my heart was listening. The message on submitting came more than once. Somehow though, I was not grasping just what submission was all about, and for most of our marriage, submitting to an ungodly man was out of the question!! Sometimes in life, a person can be too ‘godly’ to be any earthly good. Many times I was just too godly and the good I wanted did not happen.

Neither of us would come to know until years later our deeply the hurts of youth lie, and how much they would trigger a negative response to life. Causing you to say and do things you hate saying and doing, but you still do. Some people would criticize me over the years for staying in a marriage so difficult and troubled, but my strong spiritual life kept me there. For God’s rules don’t change, the world maybe, but divorce was not acceptable if you were to walk faithfully with the Lord. I would tell those concerned, I know that God has all the answers and it is up to us to find them. Oh that righteous smug attitude of mine. Little did I know how it was affecting the lives of others around me, especially the family?

There were emotions coming from deep wounds of both of our past that created much grief, and how I hated them. But, what seem to be negative emotions are survival tools needed in life and are very important parts of our character. Positive virtues are also hidden behind those feelings. Some time ago, God had led me to the realization that all of who we are, is to be accepted, embraced and yes loved. For as long as we despise any part of us, we do not totally love the person we are. That Inner Voice had once spoke to my heart,

Your emotions are your helpers; see them as that, God said, and then you will love yourself, and others as you see yourself in them and will not judge so quickly.

Recalling all of this now, a silent prayer leaves my heart as I continue to strive to keep those emotions under His control once more.

Help Lord, help. You know how human I am.

Again, read the journals.

Chapter 3

Trying Again To Live Again

Once again we are fighting. After taking a walk, trying to connect with each other, Gene brings up the subject about calling the county to see about putting a culvert in to make a driveway. He feels this will make it easier to drive the Winnebago into the yard. The RV was purchased with the dream of traveling after my retirement. Gene, already on disability no longer worked and both of us were looking forward to this new adventure. Throughout the years of our marriage, one thing the whole family had always enjoyed was nature and seeing all the wonders of this great world. It was a natural decision then, for camping and traveling to be a big part of our retirement plans.

Now as we talk, as usual, there are questions about how much this culvert placement would cost.

Gene said, They fix culverts for the fire station free.

Well, that is for the fire department, so we will just have to call and see.

Hearing this remarks, my husband explodes!! That’s what I said! I will give them a call!!! You don’t listen to what I say!!"

You don’t have to get mad, I am snapping back. His reply and the tone of his voice have now angered me.

I heard what you said and I just repeated it back. We will have to call and find out about the cost.

Walking away from Gene’s anger, my bitter emotions go with me into the house and he turns toward the Winnebago. Since the grandchildren had left after their visit this past summer, this is an increasing scenario, Gene staying in the RV while I am sleeping in the house. While the kids were here this summer, we had both lived in the RV, enjoying the peace and quiet. Now, it was a way of another geographical cure one more time. This was our way of escaping from the truth we both did not really want to talk about. There was still a major rift in our lives that was causing more fights, whenever this problem surfaced.

Just like in the journals, as I think back to them. Starting again, trying again and falling back into old habits, life is repeating itself.

I open to the very first page of the first journal written in 1980, which I started to write in Ohio after we had made that geographical move–hoping, hoping. The marriage was depressing. It was January 1, 1980, eight years into the marriage. Our life was one of more changes trying to bring happiness into a troubled and chaotic household. There was the struggle of two different religious lifestyles between us that never seemed to end. Before we married Gene had told me, I will go to church with you. He did for a while, but it didn’t take long for him to find other things more important than attending church on Sunday. He told me that he was just not comfortable there.

I had become the main provider by then, managing the budget and helping the children with their homework. Too many times, Gene would come from work and find his relaxing zone and bail out on family, for he knew he had a weakness. When he was pressed, he would become too angry and could also become violent if he lost control when frustration built up too high. So he would use the avoidance technique to stay clear of confrontation and danger. Gene’s zoning out behavior was really a way of keep things calm at home. This was wisdom and discernment that would come later in life for me, but at the time I was not seeing this. Gene and life were a disappointment and marriage a continuous uphill struggle.

The entry on the first of January of 1980 was one of hope as it read:

To begin the very best beginning, to lift up our hearts and shout Hurray. This is the day the Lord had made, this is the now, and this is the forever. Coming before You, my sweet Lord, humbly, I beg Your help, Your graces, as I lay before You my desire to obey, to serve and live my life for You oh my God. Please place within my heart the strong desire to live each moment in complete harmony with Your Will. To be one in mind and soul, to seek Your Will in all I do.

Yes this should be my goal! But three days later, I read how quickly the spirit that is willing; is not the spirit that obeys and follows through with this desire to live the Will of the Father in all that I do.

January 3, 1980. This morning Lord, You woke me, called me to prayer. I did not come, and my day was an unhappy, depressing nervous day. All day I regretted the decision to return to bed. Thank you Lord for showing me the things I need to detach myself from. TV, sleeping late, food or second helpings, money matters or fretting about them; these are all the things that keep me bound in a sad life. I was miserable until Gene came and started to rub my head, then the fog lifted and my heart rejoiced again. Continue to train me in your ways oh my God. Praised be the Name of Jesus.

Reading these lines, I think this might as well have been written August 30, 2009. There are elements in my life yet that steals my joy and peace and they are robbing me of my happiness. They keep me from being one with God in my daily living. The same today as then, only now there is a computer with games that I go to when I am depressed and bored. Just like Gene would bail out then, I am bailing out now on God. Avoiding truth, I consistently am disobedient and disrespectful to God. I take for granted His love and faithful mercy and because of it–I bail!!!"

Wow, what an eye opener. No wonder God said to read the journals. As old as I am, there is still much yet to learn about my inner self.

Lord here I am thinking that at age sixty-one, I am spiritually mature. After reading just these few pages Lord, I see how immature and childish I am in following You and walking the path You have for me. Like the Israelites I am in the desert almost forty years and still not found the way to the Promise Land. Oh Lord, do not let my grumbling, whining heart keep me another three years in this misery.

This time He didn’t even have to speak, for I already knew His silent reply.

It is up to you to choose, to listen, to learn and most important to obey.

To which my heart replies, I agree Lord, I agree, for to do anything else is insanity, and to go against God’s Will is only asking for more misery.

I had gone to Mass earlier this morning and think back to the music and Scripture. This morning the messages were clear and concise. They are Words of guidance and reassurance of God’s continued watch over my life. First, came the strong message from a reading to the Israelites about hearing the word of God and keeping His Word. But the one that really sinks home was from Mark Chapter 7— verse 6, which reminds me not to be a person who gives God lip service but to live from deep within, my love for Him, giving Him the full reverence and service a God deserves. The passage read: This people pay me lip service but their heart is far from Me. Empty is the reverence they do me.

That’s is my heart alright and I know it. No more talking like you love Jesus, time to act like I love Him and then His peace and love will follow, as He lives in me. Right now, God only knows what people see living within me. There have not been many smiles on my face of late. Smile, I do now, as I think of the songs sung at Mass.

Blest Are We which reminds us to rejoice and be glad no matter what you suffer in God’s name for yours is the Kingdom of God. Then, Seek Ye First which tells us to always keep God first in every moment of our life and in all our hearts desires, then that united spiritual marriage will be given unto us.

The song, Lord Make me a Sanctuary, sinks even deeper within my heart as I listened to the words, and knelt, asking forgiveness, and recommitting myself to try once more to be that sanctuary for my Lord. One line still echoes now, With thanksgiving, I’ll be a living sanctuary for You. This is so important to remember!

With thanksgiving, we stay connected; we send the attempts of the devil flying as we walk with God!! What thoughts that I keep in my heart and mind creates the atmosphere of peace I hunger for, and I stay in harmony with God’s plan for me! I know this, but oh how I forget that truth so quickly. Life triggers other emotions within, and I find my mind and heart going blank of the messages received. Wake up Beth wake up! Stay focused on being thankful!!

Once again hope rises again within my heart. This morning too, God reminds me that when Gene and I pray together, ‘God things’ always happened. So, sitting down with Gene over coffee at breakfast after Mass, I flatly tell him, We need to make our time of prayer together a habit once more.

(Watch out, you are being controlling again. Be careful how you approach Gene.) Remembering the past mistakes in trying to get Gene to understand, I quickly change the tone of my voice, and calmly speak to him about my concerns. We must read the Bible daily and pray together, or we will go back to days when we almost divorced and got counseling. Do you want to go back to just being together and tolerating a sad situation?

Gene nods no. Whether the effort was perfect or not, I open the Bible and the pages opens to Jeremiah 31. The reading tells about how God establishes a new covenant with His People and restores Israel (again).

No longer will they have need to teach their friends and kinsmen how to know the Lord. All from least to greatest shall know Me, says the Lord, for I will forgive their evildoing and remember their sin no more.

My silent thank You goes up. Thank you God, for not only the greatest, my husband, but all the children, grandchildren and great grandchildren will be restored and taught by God. I will write the law upon their hearts, His Words had said. God is telling me to ’come back to Me and be My people.’ Whether Gene hears the message or not, didn’t matter, for this woman is hearing His message. God will put His law upon Gene’s heart. This is not my job, and I must do my best to remember the message given.

For now, I just remind Gene of how much better our time together was when we prayed each day in the past. Gene agrees, for like me, he hates the way it feels when we are angry with each other, and knows prayer has worked before in our life.

It was miraculous how God had saved our marriage before. I know now that I have to get tough with the devil that is trying once more to split us up. But I am not alone in this battle, and I know the victory has already been won for God never fails.

Stay with me Lord, stay with me, you know how weak I am.

His reply came quickly,

This battle has only begun though, time to reread the journals.

Chapter 4

Now What Was I Thinking

About

It seems more and more that these words find themselves coming out of my mouth. It is not an age thing either, but just the overwhelming moments of life that increases the times you say them. You go into a room and wonder what am I here after, and you will not be thinking about the ‘hereafter’ or asking God’s help. You have put something important in a special place and then forget just where that special place is! AAGGH!!!!! Finally you remember to pray, Help, Lord! Please. He does and life goes on.

This is the case in point when I realize that one of the journals is missing. Not just any journal either, it is the one made especially for me by my son, Paul. Lord, I can’t have lost that journal. How will he feel that his journal is the only one missing? Worse yet, fears arise, that some records I saw Gene throwing away one day when he was mad, might have contained that journal. The journal was flat and larger than the rest and was in that closet he was going through, or so I thought.

For over an hour, I searched in the attic, the closets and in the RV where I had placed the other journals, all to no avail. My heart sinks and of course you know who keeps placing tacky little thoughts in my mind that Gene is the source of my frustration over the missing journal. So, I pray about it, put it in God’s hands and comfort myself saying, it will show up, for you know you put it somewhere safe.

Today, going out to the RV, there is the strong impulse to check one more time a shelf above the bed where the other journals had been stored. My hand feels the familiar ring binding Paul had used when making it, and I sigh a prayer of relief and hug the journal. As usual the inner Voice has me reflect on the importance of being careful with all of life and the treasures it holds (or could hold, if we stay connected with the Holy Spirit.) I am also thinking there must be something in this one I need to read now or else why would God have made the journal so special as to hide it from me? Opening to the first page, what I read leaves my mouth gapping.

November 26, 1995 Everything happens for a purpose and a reason. By grace we are given insight to see the mysteries of all unravel before our eyes as we ask for that wisdom to see. To see beyond, means we first must step past the hurt and pain—the anger, fear and hate. To choose to let go—so we can fly on wings of an inner vision of life.

Then written the next day on November 27, 1995 was the entry: Take care Brothers, that none of you have an evil and unfaithful heart, so as to forsake the living God. Encourage yourselves daily while it is still today so that none of you may grow hardened by the deceit of sin. We have become partners of Christ if only we hold the beginning of the reality firm until the end, for it is said–Today if you hear His voice harden not your hearts as at the rebellion in the day of testing in the desert. Hebrew 3 verse 12

Oh, Lord, You told us not to rest on our laurels of the past but to live always running the race, keeping our eyes on our goal of serving You. We serve You in obedience, as we walk in faith. Today—the moment—the now! Living in faithful obedience and trust, taking care that none of us has an evil, unfaithful heart. Our walk with You is one of an ever-continuing walk. The step taken at the moment, to be the one we need to take; this means it is a sure and firm step, and on the right path. Help us not to trip over the stones found there. Lord please guide our steps for Your namesake. Help me to be more and more the meek humble lamb, so You can be the Good Shepherd of my life. Give me a pliable heart, so that the Holy Spirit is able to work within me. Give me wise obedience, quick to please obedience, and joyful obedience; recognizing that in obedience there is a closer walk with You. Obedience, is the oil that keep the flame burning for the Bridegroom who is within, a flame that lights up the love of Jesus for all to see."

Rereading these words now, finds me smiling and again seeing why I have been led back to the journals. After reading the first three pages of the first journal, I remember how I had thrown them down in disgust, not wanting to see again how human I am. How many times have I repeated the same patterns of falling, getting up and falling again? There are too many entries of the same prayers about family, jobs and help me Lord. But once more the power of God pulled me back to do this! In opening only two journals, I am seeing the wisdom of why You wanted me to read them once more. Well, My Lord, I ask, What is next that needs to be once more brought back to my mind? The answer that comes,

Turn the page.

Journal entry from 11-29-95. "Hi my dear Friend; I need You. I want a hug so bad. With all of family around me, detachment and charity are taught first hand. You show me how my heart has become so very hardened by my comfortable life. Oh my Lord, thank you for ripping me apart: for I had indeed become self-centered.

As I was writing those words—Gene turned off the TV, got up and stood by me. He sat down on the couch and we talked as I rubbed his feet and silently prayed. (Last week, in the pages of the Betania Journal, I wrote of God’s directions to pray for my husband every night as