Missing Pieces of the Puzzle: A Remarkable Journey to Find Reality

By Billeace Bloom

Billeace Bloom was once an atheist driven by toxic fears to learn if God was real and to find Him if possible. As a result of that search, her life now provides credible evidence that God
is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

In a fascinating autobiography, Billeace begins by revealing how her views of Christianity as a mundane existence fueled her internal struggle to either remain an atheist or release her entire life to God. After detailing how the Lord told her there is no room in the abundant life for boredom, Billeace discloses how she never dreamed how true those words would become when she surrendered her will for His will. As she describes her journey to the truth, Billeace becomes whole when she fills in each piece of her spiritual puzzle. She reminds us that with God as our constant companion, life overflows with miracles, transformations, lessons, laughter, mysteries to solve, and victories.

Missing Pieces of the Puzzle is the true story of a former atheist who found the reality of God, experienced Him in remarkable ways, and affirmed the Bible is God’s own words that can dramatically change lives.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Oct 14, 2021
• ISBN: 9781664245365

Billeace Bloom

Billeace Bloom transformed from a lazy couch potato atheist to a dynamic Christian speaker, founder of a women’s prison ministry, registered nurse, director of nursing, advanced certified investigator, certified mediator, educator, and director of state investigations. She graduated with high honors from a major university and has received many recognitions during her lengthy career.

Book preview

Copyright © 2021 Billeace Bloom.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

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Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

844-714-3454

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Unless specified by reference, all scripture quotations are taken from The New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Notations added within the body of a scripture (in italic font and/or parenthesis) are added for clarity or subject emphasis and they are not part of the copyrighted original quoted scripture.

ISBN: 978-1-6642-4537-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-4538-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-4536-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021919633

WestBow Press rev. date: 11/28/2022

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Although they are in Heaven, this book is primarily dedicated to my four parents (explained in the book), who God used to create the puzzle that is me. My life has been filled with love, thanks to them.

My knight in shining armor is my beloved husband of more than fifty-five years. He is the rock of our family, a man of great wisdom, and I have learned to care for others through observing him. He is the greatest servant of God I have ever known.

My children, their spouses, and my grandchildren are the legacy I will leave behind. Every single one of them has made me feel loved and proud. A special thanks to my daughter, who helped me recall details of events we experienced together.

My cousin/brother, Duke, is the sibling the Lord gave me when I had none. I can’t imagine that I would ever love a real brother more. His wife, Dell, became my sister. They both played a significant role in my journey.

My spiritual sister, Lily, has been a critical part of my life. She appears in many places of this book. I thank her for always being there, and I can continually count on her wisdom, prayers, and support. Her voice remains calm through any storm.

Although I have fictionalized names in this book, I want to thank those who took the time to read my first feeble draft of this autobiography. You know who you are, and your time and effort are a cherished gift.

Finally, I want to thank my friend Elizabeth for being like a sister and always making me laugh!

Contents

Puzzle Pieces

Author’s Note

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1 Path of Fear

Chapter 2 River of Life

Chapter 3 Rocky Road

Chapter 4 Butterflies and Wasps

Chapter 5 Pile of Clay

Chapter 6 Blossoms and Fruit

Chapter 7 Buried Treasure

Chapter 8 Sunset

Chapter 9 Quicksand

Epilogue

Tribute to Mama

Tribute to Daddy

Puzzle Pieces

Billeace Bloom

I listened for You in the thunder,

But it was only air.

I looked for You in the lightning,

But it was only frightening.

You told me if I searched for You,

I would find You are somewhere.

I finally discovered You are everywhere.

That didn’t mean I knew You,

But I really sensed You care.

One day I came to understand

If I reach out, You’ll take my hand.

With hand stretched out, I grabbed Yours tight.

I gave You me with all my might!

I found You hold me very tight.

The greatest search that we can do,

Is find the One Whose love is true!

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Author’s Note

Upon completion of this book’s first draft, I asked a few ladies to read it and provide feedback. My husband suggested I add at least a couple of male reviewers, and I took his advice. I gave written instructions for all reviewers to be honest and assured them I would not let my feelings be hurt, no matter how negative the opinions might be. The input received back has certainly been interesting, because it seems to be divided upon gender lines. The ladies were very encouraging and expressed minimal need for changes. The first female input I received told me to rush the book to a publisher. A second reviewer proposed to change only one word in the entire document, but that one word was of highest value and identified a critical need for clarification. A third lady said the following:

Well, Billeace, you certainly have had an interesting life! I found out many things about you that I had no idea were pieces of your puzzle. I know this must have been a very long and painful process to relive, think through, and express. You did a wonderful job. I found you to be a very good writer and a very good Bible study teacher. I loved the way you incorporated scripture into every situation and every phase of your story! Scripture is God’s word to us and the only thing we can base our faith and beliefs on. You do that beautifully! I got caught up in your story and enjoyed it and cried with you and rejoiced with you at times.

Although I did not give the book draft to the first man who provided feedback, he started reading his wife’s copy and made her return it to me. He wanted the wicked thing out of his house! He said it should be on a shelf in a bookstore in the cult section and accused me of spreading false doctrine. As a result, I asked a respected pastor to review what I had written that upset the first man. The pastor affirmed my understanding of scripture and said my interpretation was exactly as he has taught for many years. However, the first man’s reaction was valuable preparation for what is surely to come. I realized I must be prepared and expect some hearty opposition to my writing. People are passionate about their beliefs and doctrinal stands. There will be those who say my story doesn’t agree with their interpretation of scripture or their belief system. My response is found in the Bible. In the book of Acts, chapter 4, verse 20 (Acts 4:20), it says, For we cannot stop speaking about what we have seen and heard. I simply must tell others what I saw, what I heard, and what I experienced as my life was transformed.

Another male reviewer’s comments are sincerely appreciated. His review was detailed and it became apparent that he took a lot of time. His input also provided some valuable ideas. However, he said he had mixed emotions about the manuscript and would rather that you had left much of the ‘preaching’ out of it. He said he enjoyed reading about my life and suggested I leave out the theology.

As of this writing, after months waiting for the third male reviewer’s input, he never provided it. One might conclude men may not like this book, but the fact is that only one man actually reviewed the entire first draft. My husband has read portions (at my request) and provided wisdom where I needed it. However, he says he already experienced most of it with me and it is too difficult to relive! I frankly don’t know if he will ever read the completed manuscript, and I completely understand.

The first lady who provided me with feedback told me there was a certain section of the book she felt was just for her. She said she had struggled with a particular problem and found direction through reading my book.

I have lived long, made mistakes, learned a lot, and experienced God Almighty and His power. I make no apologies for writing about anything that might challenge, encourage, teach, exhort, or bless another life. I had a pastor who often said, Anyone who chooses to be offended will. It is not my intention to offend. I can’t tolerate Christians who come across as arrogant know-it-alls and look down their pious noses at others. If my story or lessons I have learned convict a reader to examine their own life, I believe that is a worthy ambition. If the book has no discernable connection for your particular life, there is one thing I hope will happen: that you will believe all things are possible!

After the reviewers’ input, I attended the beautiful movie Little Women. I was amazed to see on screen exactly what I was going through. I felt strong empathy for Louisa May Alcott, if her experience was accurately portrayed in the beginning of the film. She was a young writer hoping to have a story bought and printed. The publisher arrogantly took his pen and struck through parts of her story that Miss Alcott thought were spiritually important. He, just like my male reviewer, thought she was being too preachy and told her to just tell the story and leave the sermonizing out. I have not been gifted with Miss Alcott’s talent, but my own life demonstrates the amazing power of God to change a life. If I come across as preachy, that is not my intention. However, I would be negligent if I failed to share the lessons I have learned, how relevant biblical scriptures are for today’s world, and that God is alive and performing incredible works even in this age in which He often seems forgotten.

Preface

The panoramic picture of our lives can be divided into many pieces, with key events or situations worthy of being particular sections of an artistic jigsaw puzzle. For example, in a picture puzzle that portrays a beautiful landscape with a setting sun, the sky might contain an array of colors. The sunset might be considered a puzzle section, but that would be divided into many smaller puzzle pieces. The grass, mountains, rivers, oceans, etc. would be other sections of the puzzle, and they would also be divided into smaller pieces. In the panoramic portrait of our lives, every single section and piece is crucial to create the people we become. Sections of our lives are composed of life’s key events and turning points. Even one missing piece leaves the puzzle incomplete. For the purpose of this book, I will divide key situations and events from my life into chapters (puzzle sections). Within each chapter, I will break the writing into specific facts, events, and details (puzzle pieces). When all the individual puzzle sections and pieces were put into place, my portrait became complete and whole, with only the future left missing.

Although some experiences in our lives seem unbearable or without purpose, we are incomplete without them. If we can accept each new event as something of value and a crucial part of our lives, then we can be confident participants as God artistically paints our portrait. Even the seemingly ugly parts can have purpose, design, and meaning. Those ugly puzzle pieces might even become beautiful, under the right circumstances. Every single aspect of our journey, infused one by one into our daily experience, is creating the portrait of who we become as a whole person. If any of these pieces are missing, we have a place of emptiness in our souls. In every life, the puzzle pieces that compose an entire section called the future are missing; however, in my case, there were some key missing sections from my past and existing life that left me very incomplete. I was not a whole person without them, and I clearly felt the black holes of emptiness.

Have you ever felt like your life had a void or a big black hole? I remember in the 1960s and 1970s, when people would leave their homes and families to go and find themselves. Apparently, these individuals sensed there was something about themselves they needed to discover. I can’t speak for their journey, but for me it was much more than a desire for a new experience. It was as though I had mysteries to solve about myself, but I had no idea why I felt that way. As a teenager, I sensed the person I saw in the mirror was not really who she appeared to be. At times emptiness would overwhelm me. It was so real that I could almost smell, touch, or taste it, and it was quite unbearable. There was a desperate longing to know more about myself, but what was there to know? Incredibly, there was more than I ever thought possible. The mirror only reflected an instant in time; however, there was a past and a future full of life-changing experiences. Not only that, but my instincts were right. I really wasn’t who I thought I was.

The most crucial missing puzzle section of my life was God Himself. It is not that He wasn’t here, but I was spiritually blind and could not recognize His presence. I didn’t know Him. God says,

For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

As a young atheist, I went on a journey to search for God (if He was real), and much to my surprise, I found He does exist!

I anticipate many will find it difficult to believe some of the events I have written about could possibly be true. It has been said that a person’s doctrine or beliefs can be argued, but their own testimony cannot. Much of the story of my life reads like fiction created by a Hollywood director, but it all actually happened to me. Although time has dimmed some of the details, the more incredible moments were so striking they are impossible to forget. I invite you to share my journey as I search for missing pieces of the puzzle that compose my life’s story. Along the way, we will fill in empty puzzle spaces, solve some mysteries, learn some lessons, and experience remarkable events. There were missing pieces to the puzzle of my life that were essential to find, in order to bring peace to my soul and enrich my entire life. As events unfolded, I discovered that my everyday life was only a mask covering a spiritual realm that exists in reality. My family and friends have gone on much of this journey with me. Because some of my experiences are very personal and potentially embarrassing to others, I have chosen to use a pen name. I will also change specific dates, individual names, and other identifying information, including towns and places. I welcome you to join in my journey and observe as the Master Portrait Artist and Puzzle-Maker artistically paints and joins together the pieces of my life.

Introduction

God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.

—John 4:24

For they loved the approval of men rather than the approval of God.

—John 12:43

Prayer to God

Dear God:

We have a problem! By society’s standards at this time in history, You are not politically correct! Since You know everything, You know this book may not be acceptable in today’s world. When I set out to write my autobiography, I had dreams of my story reaching masses of people. Lord, I have realized that many people don’t seem to want to hear about the real You. That puts me in an awkward position. I don’t want to offend. I don’t want to be misunderstood. I don’t want to come across as sanctimonious, judgmental, or one-sided. Even in this politically correct environment, those of us who believe in You can be stigmatized. People can be prejudiced against us. Sometimes, God, Your words (in the Bible) are offensive in our present world of social norms. The human race often seems to focus on scriptures that make You seem angry, and we sometimes forget You say You are Love. Why do we, here on this planet You created, believe we can tell You what to say, how to be, or that You have no right to dictate what is right or wrong?

You saw me reading in a magazine about a successful young couple (the husband a former minister), and I was surprised they used the word fate instead of referring to You as a Being Who has their lives in Your hands. That made me realize people are not going to like my frank language about You.

As You know, when I started writing my story, the biggest worry was that no one would believe me. I feared people would think I am a liar. That concern pales in comparison to what I believe will be the real obstacle against my book being widely accepted. I had an epiphany that few will be open to hear a story that fails to meet the requirement of camouflaging You into a god who is acceptable by all. However, I know there are seekers and many believers. I trust You to place my autobiography into the hands of people who will be reminded that You are the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Amen!

In order to alleviate the discomfort my writing style might cause editorial masters, I want to inform readers immediately that some rules of literature will be purposefully broken in this book. For example, good writing habits normally include eliminating words like I and you. Those two words are commonly used in my autobiography, because I (the author) am writing this for you (the reader). Books are normally structured using inclusive language, such as the less offensive word we. Although there will be times I will write in the first-person, plural point of view, I intentionally wrote much of the manuscript as though I am sitting down with you to have an intimate conversation and simply share the remarkable story of my life. The book could also be considered a letter written from me to you.

Why would you be interested in my life? In this world of media blitz and societal prejudices ingrained and ignited within each culture and belief system, there is little desire to hear yet another voice. I don’t know about you, but I am bored to my core with opinions! I long for the days when the news media simply reported what was happening and left out the editorials, opinions, and guessing games about what might happen next. Since I join many of you who probably feel the same way, I must now admit that I do give my opinions, state my beliefs, talk about God, and quote from the Bible in this autobiography. However, I did not write this book as a vehicle to preach! If spirituality repels you, I invite you to ignore those references and simply experience my incredible journey. In the final analysis, our ideas and opinions do not matter. The only thing that will stand the test of eternity is what Almighty God says! Even though our opinions cannot overrule God’s declarations, what we believe does matter to the fullest. If our beliefs do not line up with God’s will, then we are in trouble. We humans have the ability to justify anything we want to believe as real and true. Humanity has seemed to lose the fact that God is God—not us!

It is of utmost importance that I tell my story truthfully and allow you to reach your own conclusions. I could leave out every reference of God and the story would stand on its own. However, I would be surprised if the most hardened atheist would not contemplate if my life might have divine design.

The word reality, as defined on the internet, is the world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them. Virtually everything is either real or not real. As a matter of fact, anything that is not real doesn’t exist! It is pure delusion. Throughout my journey, I was searching for reality. I discovered that things I thought were real were not actual. On the other hand, things one might categorize as fantasy truthfully exist. Reality and truth are cohesive partners. Do we want what is true and real, or do we want to create our own reality? Beyond reality and truth, my journey has led me to seek my own personal reason for living. I want my life to be a mission with eternal purpose while I pass through on planet Earth. Whether or not you choose to take away any spiritual message, the odds of one person encountering so many extraordinary happenings seem almost impossible. It is only because I lived it that I can believe it myself.

When I began writing this book around twenty years ago, I never dreamed I would live in a time in history when truth and reality would lose validity. I have always loved autobiographies because they allow us to experience the actual lives of people from their own eyes. A biography written about someone should contain truths, but it is never the same as from the person himself or herself. Much to my surprise, and just when my book is coming out, individual personal claims have lost their ability to be trusted as factual. After completely absorbing myself with TV and other media sources, I now understand how cults take over the minds of people. It appears that once a person places their trust and soul into another, their fate is sealed. From that moment on, the dedication to that other human (or party) often eliminates the desire, want, or need to verify their assertions.

My own journey to seek truth and reality also led me to that kind of blind dedication; however, when we find the one Being Who is actually the embodiment of truth itself, we can trust them. Jesus said, I am the Truth … (John 14:6). Since there is a book, the Bible, written by people with firsthand knowledge and interaction with Jesus, it can be trusted. The Bible not only tells about Jesus, but He is directly and repeatedly quoted. Within the pages of this autobiography, I will write more about the Bible. My autobiography and the reality I have found are based upon the premise that the Bible is the inherent word of God. It is what I stand on to support the incredible story of my life. Without that premise, we are left to create our own religion and beliefs. If we take clear and easily understood scriptures at face value, we have something solid to base our beliefs upon.

In this current world where lies surround us and facts don’t seem to matter, why would anyone be interested in my claims to have found reality? No one can be trusted. Beyond that, we see hearts so hardened that people, even leaders, don’t even seem to care about truth and reality. They say what they want to be true, and masses of people proceed to accept whatever they say. How can we return to genuinely value honesty? How can we believe what a person says? I don’t know if that is possible, because we are heading into a time when a great deception will overcome humanity. It sets the stage for many to buy in to a person who will come into power to rule the world. In the meantime, this is actually my very true story of how an atheist not only found the reality of God but experienced Him in remarkable ways. It is also an affirmation that the Bible proves itself to be the holy word of Almighty God! If anyone wants to read a real story about a real God transforming a real person, in a really miraculous way, take a breath of fresh, real oxygen and read on!

Warning! This book is not written with the expectation of being a rapidly paced novel people can’t put down; rather, it is a sometimes slow detailed journey where remarkable events pop out when you least expect them. One reviewer said she couldn’t wait to see what happened and jumped ahead. She apparently figured out that every tedious detail was often leading somewhere amazing. In this day of instant everything, we sometimes lose our ability to let a journey unfold at a slower pace. However, a roller coaster climbs slowly up the track, before it comes flying down. My journey is like a roller coaster ride, and although it begins to climb the tracks slowly, you might want to tighten your seatbelts for what is to come. As with any roller coaster ride, there are a few parts of the track that seem pretty pleasant and slow, but as the climb continues and you hit those first few unexpected curves, you begin to realize you don’t know how this is going to end.

I guarantee there are surprises at every turn of this book, and that is what makes my journey so incredible. When the ride is over, you will realize the anticipation while slowly going the up the tracks is worth the excitement of barreling down and around! Take your time on this journey, and enjoy the ride!

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1

Path of Fear

(If you are a reader who skips the author’s note, preface, and introduction of a book, please read them now. Without that preview, your full enjoyment and understanding of this autobiography will lack essential concepts that lay the foundation for a good reading experience.)

W ithin the artistic landscape that becomes a panoramic puzzle of my life, there is a pathway called fear. That path is a distinct section of the puzzle, which will be divided into its individual pieces in this first chapter. There are two kinds of fear; one is good and the other evil. Fear’s goodness can cause us to flee from harm and lead us to a better way for our lives. However, fear’s evil side can cause torment. I’ve experienced both kinds of fear. One of my favorite quotes is from evangelist Oswald Chambers, found in his devotional book My Utmost for His Highest . He wrote, "The remarkable thing about God is that when you fear God, you fear nothing else , whereas if you do not fear God, you fear everything else."

I was born in May 1947, the daughter and only child of loving parents who had wanted a baby for many years. Although my parents created a loving and safe environment, I clearly recall the first time I sensed fear. It was getting dark one evening during the mid-1950s, when I was about seven years old. Daddy was driving Mama and me home after a visit to see some relatives. We were on an isolated country road as the darkness began to surround us. This was before the days of wearing seatbelts, and I was sitting on Mama’s lap. We were having fun and laughing when a song came on the radio that brought a haunting fear to my young soul. The song was a big hit called This Old House, written in 1954 by Stuart Hamblen. Since I was a small child, I probably knew nothing about haunted houses, but hearing the words to the song made me aware that something frightening could be inside old places. Although I was wrong, I instinctively sensed this song was about a scary, old, haunted house. I didn’t comprehend what haunted meant, but I recognized it was something dark and foreboding. The word evil was not yet in my vocabulary, but I felt its presence. How could a song frighten me? Why did this music grip me with fear? The words to the first verse follows:

This ole house once knew my children.

This ole house once knew my wife.

This ole house was home and comfort

As we fought the storms of life.

This ole house once rang with laughter.

This ole house heard many shouts.

Now she trembles in the darkness,

When the lightnin’walks about.

I told Mama the song was scaring me. The man singing had a deep voice, and there was something about the music that was different from all other songs I had heard. I pictured a spooky, old house covered with spider webs. It was surrounded by a misty darkness. Inside the old place, a kerosene lamp gave off a dim light, and a tired-looking hound dog lay in front of a fireplace. I imagined the house having creaking, old, wooden floors that had lost their luster and turned gray with time. I could almost smell the dust and mold, and it had lost the polish and shine it once held. Everything inside was dull and dusty. The place had a feeling of emptiness and seemed to be so deteriorated that it was on the verge of rotting.

The darkness was occasionally broken by flashes of lighting that appeared to strike toward the place, as if the house were targeted for destruction. With the lightning came a sound of thunder—that particular kind of thunder that is so deep and rumbling it seems to come from the depths of the earth. The thunder also seemed to be on the attack, and the old house would shake and rattle when it sounded. Whoever had once taken care of the home was now gone. And there was an old man inside who was alone and lonely. However, although he couldn’t see me, I felt like I was in there with him. Even now, I can see it, I can smell it, and I can walk inside that old house in my mind.

For days the song bothered me, and I was especially afraid at night. There was something about that particular music that set off awareness of a supernatural realm around me. I sensed I had encountered a frightening reality of something I didn’t understand. It was not until I was an adult when I realized the song was not about a haunted house but about man’s mortality. I had heard a gospel song for the first time!

As I reflect, I believe this event was likely my first spiritual battle between good and evil fears. God was giving a beautiful message through the song, while an evil presence was twisting the meaning to scare me. Although I was too young to understand, the power of the song’s actual message penetrated my soul and emotions. The house represents our human bodies. The Bible teaches that our human body is actually a house or temple where our spirit and soul reside. With time, these houses will become dilapidated, painful, of little function and eventually are left behind.

In the first verse of the song, a person is nearing the end of life and reflects over the things that once were. They are thinking about family, life’s comforts, and past laughter. In the second verse, we find the individual near the end of his life. As death is drawing close, the body is getting cold. However, he has no fear because he sees an angel coming for him. In the third verse, the person is looking forward to heaven and a great reunion with those who have gone on before. In the fourth verse, he realizes his dog won’t quite understand what has happened when its owner leaves planet Earth. The dog will howl and grieve. At the end of their life, the angel Gabriel arrives with a chariot to safely take him on the great journey to heaven. In the chorus, we find jubilation as he looks forward to leaving this old, dilapidated body behind.

I believe the reason that song frightened me so much was because it was my first encounter with the concept of death and a hidden spiritual realm that exists all around us. I instinctively realized there was something about the music that could drastically affect my life. I felt danger and hope at the same time. A message was coming out of the radio that went much deeper than the surface of the simple words and music. As I got older, I became someone filled with fear. My fears were perpetuated by various experiences and resulted in a young life consumed with anxiety. If I heard a story about something that frightened me, it would stay with me. It often became an obsession. The obsession would frequently lead to oppression. My husband has kept an old dictionary, vintage 1950s, that defines obsess as fill the mind of; keep the attention of; haunt. It goes on to say that obsession is a feeling or idea that a person cannot escape.

When I was about five years old, my granny took me outside to use an outdoor toilet. Outhouses were still fairly common when I was a child. As we walked toward it, Granny told me a story that cascaded into one of my most torturous obsessions. She said a young woman went to the bathroom in an outhouse. Hiding beneath the rounded open area under the wooden bench seat was a black widow spider. Granny said when the lady sat down, the spider bit her and she died. After Granny told me that story, I became obsessed about black widow spiders. Even into my adult years, I would not go to the bathroom without first lifting up the toilet seat to make sure there wasn’t a spider underneath.

Ironically, when I was pregnant with my second child, I was sitting outside with my son when I saw him about to put his hand on a black widow spider that was on his little red wagon. In an instant, all the fears about the black widow spiders flooded me. I screamed, grabbed the wagon, and slung it across my pregnant belly and away from my child. I never saw the spider again and presume it ran off to terrorize someone else. That incident was abnormally traumatic for me because I had lived with the fear of black widow spiders since I was a little girl. Shortly after that incident, I began to bleed and eventually miscarried my baby.

My fear of black widows spread into a horror of all spiders. One afternoon, my husband and I were driving down a highway at about sixty miles per hour. I was in the front passenger seat and saw a very tiny spider crawling inside near my closed window. I screamed and went into a panic, which triggered me to open the door and try to jump out of the car. My husband grabbed me and quickly stopped on the side of the road. Looking back, it is incredible that a simple story my grandmother told me could have resulted in my death.

Although Mama had the best of intentions, she innocently initiated my fear of death. When my mother lovingly tucked me into bed each night, she would lead us to say a sweet little prayer written by Joseph Addison. We prayed it out loud together every night as follows: "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." This bedtime prayer made me afraid to go to sleep or to sleep alone. The words of that prayer began my fear of death. When I was in the second grade, we were studying how plants grow. I was examining a large bean when another student told me it was poisonous. Looking back, I realize it was a silly boy playing a joke. However, I became hysterical and had to be picked up from school and taken home. I believed the poison would enter my body and kill me. When I was older, my family and I would laugh about that incident. But when it happened, I was terrified. My state of living in fear would often be perpetuated by similar experiences. I would become so upset and overwhelmed that I would even run fevers.

I was afraid of many things, but the idea of supernatural forces especially gripped me. I sensed there was more beyond the reality which met the eye, something real, something powerful and dangerous. Anything supernatural both drew me in fascination and repelled me with caution. There was an internal warning within me that a dark power was looming somewhere near.

My dreads were also fed by a strong sense of insecurity that came from my mother. I clearly remember my first day of school. We lived in an old farmhouse out in the country. The school bus arrived to take me away from Mommy (later changed to Mama). I was terrified to leave her. I told her I was not going. Mommy grabbed my hand to pull me outside to the school bus. At the same time, I grabbed the wooden arm of the living room couch and we began a tug-of-war. I was screaming and crying. Mommy pulled me and the couch outside onto the front porch. I could hear kids on the bus howling with laughter at the show Mommy and I were putting on for them. I don’t know how she did it, but my mother won and my sobbing little self was torn away from all that