Focus Families of Children United in Spirit: A Group No One Wants to Belong to . . .Spiritual Journeys of Families After the Loss of a Loved One

By Angela Christensen and Regina Elkhatib

To those of you who have lost a loved one, our goal is that this collection of personal stories will bring you hope. You are not alone. Many have walked your path and know the true depth of your sorrow. Our wish is that these stories will resonate with you and healing will begin. With that healing, we wish you hope for the future. With hope, your future will someday include being reunited with your loved one.

Our message is simple. Your loved one is closer to you in spirit than you can ever imagine. Through the darkness of grief, know there will come a day when you will feel the warmth of sunshine, hear the joy of laughter and taste life with a new perspective.

To those of you who have not lost a loved one, our desire is that you gain understanding of the bereaved. We hope our stories speak to your soul. We offer you insight that may help you gain compassion and sympathy for those who are grieving.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jul 28, 2011
• ISBN: 9781463436810

Angela Christensen

(Image of Regina Elkhatib placed here.) Regina has been married for forty years to her husband, Mounir. Together they have three surviving children, Dina, Rick and Danya, and four grandchildren. Originally from Lebanon, they made their home in Sylvania, Ohio in 1971. One year after the loss of their third child, Mark, June 18, 1996, Regina and Mounir started FOCUS Bereavement Group. Along with her friend, Regina also formed "Four The Boys" Foundation to honor their two sons. This is a non-profit organization benefiting local children's causes. (Image of Angela Christensen placed here.) Angela lives in the rural community of Ottawa Lake, Michigan, where she and her husband grew up and raised their children. She has a degree in fine art and has been a self-employed business owner over 20 years. She loves her home, hobbies, traveling and spending time with many friends and family. She is especially devoted to her children, Eric and Amanda. Since the losses of her teenage son, Nick, July 19, 2001, and husband of 30 years, Mark, January 10, 2009, Angela now helps others through the FOCUS Bereavement Group and her gift shop, Angela's Angels & Antiques in Sylvania, Ohio.

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FOCUS

Families Of Children United In Spirit

A group no one wants to belong to…

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Spiritual journeys of families after the loss of a loved one

Regina Elkhatib

Angela Christensen

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AuthorHouse™

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: [phone]

© 2011 by Regina Elkhatib and Angela Christensen. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 07/25/2011

ISBN: 978-1-4634-3680-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4634-3681-0 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

INTRODUCTION

ONE STEP

My Markie

LITTLE SUGAR BEAR

Acknowledgements:

I’M PROUD OF YOU

THEY LEFT

K E V I N

Corrine’s Story

ALWAYS IN ALL WAYS

BLESSINGS

In the Midst of Life

RICK’S JOURNEY

Our Jay,

Jamie Thomas Rabara

JUMPING THE WAKES WITH JACK

J O S H U A

FORGIVENESS

BENJAMIN

MARK

ONLY THE GOOD

DIE YOUNG

LANDAN

A HOPE LIST

FOR THE BEREAVED

THINGS NOT TO SAY…

EXPECTATIONS

FOR YOUR GRIEF…

HELPING YOURSELF

WITH GRIEF…

SUGGESTIONS

FOR CAREGIVERS…

As a bereaved mother of Chelsey Erin Valle, who at age seven, died as a result of a car accident, I know that only another bereaved parent can truly understand what I was going through. I have come to believe that part of the gift Chelsey gave me, in her passing, was the opportunity to educate others about bereaved parents, for only in understanding us, can they support and help us through our grief. We are never taught how to grieve. Society would rather ignore bereaved parents because they are scared to try to understand us.

I think that this book is a wonderful portrayal of how diverse, yet similar their stories are. In reading them, they help shine a light on all bereaved parent’s struggle to come out of the dark lonely tunnel of grief. We must learn how to become a new person. I call it my after Chelsey. Regina and Angela should be proud of bringing these stories together in a wonderfully moving book that shows the readers an inside glimpse of dealing with the grief of losing a loved one.

Sue Valle

Facilitator

Bereaved Parents Support Group

Perrysburg, Ohio

The authors tell their stories with such compassion and honesty that it captures the heart. Through my years at Hospice, I have witnessed the power of God meeting people in their journey of sorrows, bringing them comfort and peace.

Kathy Goetz, MA LPC

Retired Director of Bereavement Services

Hospice of Lenawee

Adrian, Michigan

We dedicate this book to you, Mark and Nick.

With your passings, our beliefs were challenged, our reality expanded, our spirituality grew and we realized our love was eternal.

From Angela:

I also dedicate this book to my best friend, my high school sweetheart, my soul mate, and my husband, Mark, who passed away suddenly and quietly during the writing of this book. He was my strength, my confidante, and my support for over thirty years.

He and Nick are now together.

Mark Andrew Christensen

9/13/57 – 1/10/09

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

A FRIEND

I need a friend to sit with

To help me struggle through

The sadness and the anger,

The crying I must do.

I need a friend to sit with

To help me work this out,

The guilt and all the anguish

To times I want to shout.

I need a friend to sit with

To help me through my pain,

The longing and the emptiness

The need to speak his name.

—Lilly Barstow

First and foremost, we are grateful to those who contributed to this book. We cannot find words to adequately thank the mothers, fathers, grandparents, siblings and friends who were willing to bare their souls and mentally return to the darkest days of their lives in the hope of helping other grieving families. We know this was no small task, and this was done by them to honor their loved ones and to keep their memories alive.

To Lena Elkhatib, thank you for designing our cover. Your artistic talent conveyed the first impression we wanted for our book. We know this was your way of honoring your cousin, Mark.

We wish to thank Perry and Linda Johnson, Brenda Cody, and Danielle Wurzell for editing our stories. We can’t thank you enough for your love and support.

To Ginny Sussman, whose photographic skills enabled us to give our readers an image of our loved ones as we had envisioned.

We are very grateful to Barbara Steck for her compassion and help through HUGS (Helping Unexpected Grief Survivors).

Rob Salem, we thank you for your legal expertise and your love for your nephew, Mark.

We want to express our gratitude to John Turski for his spiritual guidance and connection to our sons, Mark and Nick.

The support of family is very important. We would like to thank our husbands, Mounir and Mark for their love and encouragement. Our children, Dina, Rick, Danya, Eric and Amanda—you gave us a reason to go on with life. Thank you for choosing us as your mothers.

Mark and Nick, you have inspired us from your spiritual world. Your short lives, free spirits, and wisdom beyond your years have propelled us into our new lives. You taught us to continue to live our lives to the fullest. This book is to honor you. We love you so very much.

INTRODUCTION

By Regina Elkhatib and Angela Christensen

We met in the fall of 2001 at a FOCUS bereavement support group meeting. Coming from two different backgrounds, it seemed as if the only thing we had in common was we each had lost a son in an auto accident. Within moments of our first conversation, we both knew we were kindred souls. We knew our sons had brought us together.

It didn’t take us long to realize we had similar spiritual beliefs. Even though we came from different religious backgrounds, each of our independent life experiences had brought us to the same spiritual conclusions. Losing our sons had thrust us into a deeper spiritual awakening.

Regina: On May 26, 1976 my son, Mark, came into my life making it complete. On June 18, 1996 he was taken in an instant, leaving me shattered and grief stricken. My mere existence was questionable at times. Slowly, over the months, I realized I had to make a decision. Mark cannot be forgotten. I needed to do something to honor him.

After attending a bereavement group in Perrysburg, Ohio, my husband, Mounir and I decided to form our own group. FOCUS was started in March, 1998. We have been meeting ever since helping ourselves and others. By helping others through their grief, we formed close friendships that will last a lifetime. With help and guidance from the universe, my world finally became brighter and more meaningful. I knew I had to go on. Thank you, Mark, for helping me to go forward and not quit. It is an honor to be your mother. I love you.

Angela: As far back as I can remember, the only thing I knew for certain in my life was that I wanted to be a mother. So when my son, Nick, was born March 24, 1982, it was one of the happiest days of my life. It is truly a blessing I did not know at that time what life had in store for me. One single moment on July 19, 2001, changed everything. Nick was gone. What an imprint he left on this planet. What an imprint he left on my heart and soul.

When I met Regina, her first words to me were, When I read your son, Nick’s obituary in the newspaper, I knew I would be meeting you. And so began our journey together. Through the many waves of grief, agonizing pain and despair, Regina and other members of FOCUS were there to continuously help and support me. I survived Nick’s death in large part because of this bond and the friendships I would make. Sharing my grief with others who had the same loss helped me survive and brought me hope.

I never could have imagined the life I’m living now, having survived the death of my child. I feel Nick’s life and even his death were gifts from him for my spiritual growth. I am thankful and honored to have shared this lifetime together with him. I will always love you, Nick.

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To those of you who have lost a loved one, our goal is that this collection of personal stories will bring you hope. You are not alone. Many have walked your path and know the true depth of your sorrow. Our wish is that these stories will resonate with you and healing will begin. With that healing, we wish you hope for the future. With hope, your future will someday include being reunited with your loved one.

Our message is simple. Your loved one is closer to you in spirit than you can ever imagine. Through the darkness of grief, know there will come a day when you will feel the warmth of sunshine, hear the joy of laughter and taste life with a new perspective.

To those of you who have not lost a loved one, our desire is that you gain understanding of the bereaved. We hope our stories speak to your soul. We offer you insight that may help you gain compassion and sympathy for those who are grieving.

ONE STEP

By Marilyn Heavilin

Take one step, just one step

That’s all you need to do today.

Take one step, just one little step

By reaching out your hand to someone else.

Some of us have walked this path before you.

It’s a rough path, a tough path,

But we can make it.

Hang on to me and I’ll hang on to you.

We may stumble, we may even fall,

But we’ll start with just one step,

Your hands linked with mine.

Yes, we can make it.

All of us together,

Just one step at a time.

Mark Elkhatib.jpg

My Markie

It Is An Honor To Be Your Mother

By Regina Elkhatib

The Happiest Days of My Life

The last thirteen years of my life have been like a movie. Rewind to May 26, 1976 when my husband, Mounir and I celebrated the birth of our third child, Mark Khaled Elkhatib. His middle name means ‘eternal’ in Arabic. That day was one of the happiest of my life. Dina was our oldest child at four years and Ricky was two. Needless to say my hands were full when Markie came along, yet we went on to have another daughter, Danya, two years later. Two girls and two boys, how perfect! I was a full-time mom. Mounir’s medical practice was growing and everyone was healthy. That was all that mattered. We were very content.

Each of our children had distinct personalities. Dina was quiet and stubborn. With her, everything had to be in its rightful place. Ricky was a serious and intelligent bookworm. Danya, the baby of the family, was sensitive and loving and displayed her qualities intensely. Then there was Markie. Though definitely our wild child, he was also caring. He would not let anyone be angry with him for any length of time, and his own anger was usually short lived. Like the rest of the kids, Mark had a normal childhood, though he was quite accident prone. If Markie had a hangnail, out came the arm sling. A scraped knee meant a dig through the basement for crutches. Mark would do anything for attention and he usually got it.

Markie made average grades in school only because he would do exactly what was expected of him and no more. He was the clown of the class. I remember on teacher conference days, Mounir and I would argue over who would go to Ricky’s classroom and who would take Mark’s. It was always a toss up; would his teacher comment on his constant talking? Or would it be his fidgeting? Maybe it would be his not following directions that would be the issue this time?

Mounir and I had a strange inner-knowing about Mark, especially as he got older. We let him do things that his siblings were never allowed to do. He was the only child who went on spring break to Florida, for instance. And when he was eighteen, we let him go to California with his best friend, Doug. When he wanted to form a band, we shopped for a drum set the next day. One Saturday morning, Mark called me. Mom, I found the neatest car! Can you and dad come to look at it?! It was a black Trans Am, a little sports car that made me very nervous. He read my face. Look! Mark said, The driver’s side door is even reinforced with a steel rod. We co-signed. I love you Mom and Dad. You’ve made me the happiest person alive! Mark told us. Then he kissed us both.

During his second year in the College of Business at the University of Toledo, Mark held down a job at a restaurant. He was also on the board of the Huntington Community Center in Sylvania, Ohio which helps people in need in our area. Mark served as a teen representative. He was a happy, well-liked young man with a very busy social life, yet he always made time to spend with his family. Life was good.

Around this time, a family relative’s twenty-one year old son, Sam, came from Canada to stay with us for an extended length of time. Instantly, Sam was drawn to Mark and clung to him around the clock. Mark became uncomfortable with this soon after Sam arrived, and we had a wonderful, long talk about it one evening. Afterward, I kissed him goodnight and told him that I loved him. He naturally did the same. It was the last conversation I had with my son. For that, I will be eternally grateful.

The Day My Heart Broke

The eighteenth of June, 1996, was a hot and rainy Tuesday. Mounir had left for Lebanon two days prior to visit family. That day, I made dinner plans with some of my friends. One of them, Mona, was in town from Missouri. We always had fun when she visited, so I was looking forward to our get-together that much more. Just after 3:00 p.m., Mona and I were sitting at the kitchen table. The phone rang. It was Sam’s mother from Canada. She hurriedly said, I just received a call from Toledo Hospital telling me that Sam was in an accident! My heart stopped. Mark was in his car with Sam that day. I asked if she knew anything about Mark. She did not. I hung up the phone and told Mona that my son was gone.

Since I could not bear to, Mona made several calls to the hospital before she could get any kind of information about Mark. Eventually, she was told that I should just go there. In my heart, I knew what had happened. I called my parents to pick me up. The car ride was endless. When we did arrive at the hospital, a nurse ushered us into a small, frigid room where a social worker was waiting to give us the unbearable news. My Markie was gone in an instant. Sam, however, simply opened his door and walked away without a scratch. I remember feeling very, very cold. Another good friend, Maryse, happened to be visiting someone at the hospital. Somehow she heard about Mark and made her way into our private waiting room. I recall placing my head in her lap while she covered me with warm blankets that did not calm my shivering.

Once back home, I found our house full. Thankfully, my parents, brothers and so many close friends stepped forward to take over. Dina, Ricky and Danya surrounded me, as well, and I was especially thankful for them. Mounir was on his thirteen-hour flight to return home. I could hardly wait to see him, and was terribly worried about his safety on the plane.

I don’t remember who finally told me the details of Mark’s accident. He lost control of his beloved Trans Am on wet pavement and hit a tree just two blocks from my parent’s home. The driver’s side took the impact. The reinforced door had not protected him. Mark would always make us give him a dime if we did not fasten our seat belts, but this day he was not wearing his. The paramedics reassured us, however, that it would not have changed the outcome. I have always wondered what his last thoughts were and if he knew what was happening. I’ve heard that the soul leaves the body before the actual impact, so I have to believe he did not suffer.

Mounir came home the following day to a mob of loved ones all trying to help us in any way. What could they do? Nothing helped at the time. All I wanted was to hug my baby boy and see his beautiful face. I do not remember much of what went on at the time. There is one thing I do recall clearly and that was asking for my friend, Najat, who was vacationing in Florida. She was the only person I knew who had lost a child. Her son, Jimmy, passed three years earlier as a result of a heart attack. Without hesitation, she came home to be with us.

Mark’s funeral was huge. People we did not even know came to pay their respects to a young man who had touched so many lives. Until then, we had no idea of all the thoughtful things he had done