My Dad and Me: A Journey of love... loss... and life

By Daxa Manhar Patel

Throughout the long and often difficult journey since losing my dad, I found a sense of solace by writing every day about my ever-changing emotions. I am not an expert in this field, but I have learnt a lot about love, loss and grief over the years. This book is a series of blogs I wrote along the way, which I hope may now provide an insight int

• Language: English
• Publisher: 2QT Limited (Publishing)
• Release date: Dec 7, 2020
• ISBN: 9781913071967

Daxa Manhar Patel

Daxa Patel, LL.B. (Hons.), MBA, is a practising healthcare litigation Solicitor, Leadership Coach and Mentor. In 2012 she left her career as a law firm Partner to become her father's carer. Losing her beloved father knocked her sideways and that led to the outpouring of words and reflections to make sense of her grief. This book is based on her blogs. Outside of her professional world, Daxa is a Trustee of Carers Leeds and a volunteer with the Silver Line & Age UK. She also coaches senior leaders and lawyers in operational roles to help them grow, develop and achieve a sense of joy in life. She is a long-distance runner having run her first ever London Marathon on what would have been her father's 100th birthday.

Book preview

Title Page

Contents

Reviews

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Preface

102 Not Out …Happy Birthday Pops :)

Why This Book…

Growing Up!

100 Days to the First Anniversary…

In Life and in Death We are Together

The First Year

The Reality of Death

15 Months On…

17 Months and 1 Week

600 Days…

843 Days On … Do I Miss Him Less?

Happy 98th Birthday My Dear Pappa

Almost 1,000 Days

1,000 Days

2 Years 11 Months and 3 Weeks…

The Third Year!

Almost…

Day 2,000 and the Anniversary…

My Dad’s 99th Birthday!

Father’s Day Again…

3 Years, 8 Months and 4 Days

It’s Exhausting…

Almost 4 Years

Year 4…

The Impact Of Grief…

1,554 Days On…

100 Not Out…

4 Years and 6 Months!

Broken Open…

57 Months…

4 Years, 11 Months and 21 Days…

5 Years and 22 Days!

The Impossible Void

My Father’s Legacy

101 Years and Not Out!

5 Years, 5 Months and 18 Days…

I Count My Blessings

Grief – A Chance Of Discovery

One Wish…

Love Letter to My Father

Almost 6 Years

6 Years and 6 Weeks!

And finally, what I meant to say....

Reviews

Daxa has quite literally poured her heart out on paper in order to make sense of the uncontrollable emotion that is grief, and to encourage and provide hope to those currently living with it. The book is a mix of conflicting emotions played out over time – the desire to recount positive memories of her father balanced against the all -consuming sense of loss after he was gone. The grief cycle borne out and re-lived on every page.

The short, conversational style is just like she’s talking to you – raw, heartfelt... – all the time questioning why has she been affected for so long. The poetry throughout emphasises the anguish and pain and the beautiful photography representing life and renewal. Anyone that has been close to a parent/ sibling/ friend that has experienced loss will be able to relate to this and yet find significant comfort within its pages.

Suzanna Prout

MD of Xenonex Coaching Talent

Daxa bravely shares the story of her love and grief for her inspirational father. Talking of death and loss is so important for the wellbeing of our society and its individuals.

Kerry Jackson

Chief Executive

St Gemma’s Hospice, Leeds

First eBook Edition published 2020 by

2QT Limited (Publishing)

Settle, North Yorkshire BD24 9RH United Kingdom

Copyright © Daxa Manhar Patel 2020

The right of Daxa Manhar Patel to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with theCopyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that no part of this book is to be reproduced, in any shape or form. Or by way of trade, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser, without prior permission of the copyright holder.

Disclaimer

This book is intended to be a helpful guide to those experiencing grief and is not intended to replace any medical advice. The personal experiences recorded in this book do not offer a diagnosis or any treatment for grief or any medical conditions. If you are experiencing grief, any mental health/ emotional difficulties, you should seek advice from your doctor or mental health therapist.

Cover Design by Gerry Andrews

Images: Author’s own except those on pages 29, 93,189 (Pixabay) and page 144 (shutterstock.com)

eBook ISBN–978-1-913071-96-7

This book is also available as a paperback

ISBN–978-1-913071-74-5

Dedication

This book is a tribute to my magnificent father

Manhar Patel to whom I owe so much.

I thank you Dad for inspiring me to be where I am today.

I am because of You.

I love you Dad and always will

x Your grateful daughter, DMP.

Manhar Patel

Acknowledgements

There are so many kind souls including friends and colleagues who have inspired me and supported me along the way. To preserve confidentiality, I will keep this short but those not mentioned by name, you know who you are. I thank you for your support and understanding while I learn to live again.

Those I acknowledge and thank below have helped me bring this book to fruition.

Jackie Oates, Rashree Soni, Gerry Andrews, Leela Parmar and Nalini Thakkar. My awesome soul friends. Thank you for standing by me. Time and again you cushioned my falls in your own unique way. You witnessed my journey and walked a part of my journey with me. Thank you for your unconditional loving support, feedback and for encouraging me to do this book.

My kind sister Aruna and family, especially the boys for their warm presence in my life.

Kamlesh Patel, my amazing and brilliant running Coach, Dr. Angela Rickards, my father’s daughterly Doctor and my caring G.P. and Caroline Harvey, my Bereavement Counsellor and friend, for helping me through those dark days.

Catherine Cousins and her team at 2QT Publishing for their guidance, patience and editorial support from start to publication and beyond. It has been a joy working with you though at times you have had to push me when I hit an emotional wall. I am glad you are on my team.

Gerry Andrews for his artistic and beautiful book cover design and for being my Sports therapist, Coach and marvellous friend. When I described what I thought the cover should feel like you understood and did much more than I could have hoped for. Your hand painting of my father’s hand in mine is magnificent beyond words. I cannot thank you enough for all that you have done for me.

All the fabulous writers who have inspired me and helped through their powerful prose.

And finally, my gratitude to God whom I recognise through my father’s eyes, for never giving up on me.

Preface

Thank you for turning a page in this book. As I write this I mark my father’s 102nd birthday so it is an auspicious day. My journey of writing started as a blog following the death of my father, and my heartache. I revisit this after six years and four months. I see I have written 42,307 words trying to make sense of my grief journey. This book will be published on 30th December 2020 when it will be seven years to the day of my father’s passing.

As a bereaved daughter and not as an expert on grief (still) I have only three top tips:

Celebrate the happy times you had together.

Be kind to yourself.

Don’t expect to ‘recover’.

This book is dedicated to all those daughters and sons who were blessed like me to have the most amazing and inspirational Dad whose passing knocked you sideways.

Dear friend,

Throughout the long and often difficult journey since losing my dad, I found a sense of solace by writing every day about my ever-changing emotions. I am not an expert in this field, but I have learnt a lot about love, loss and grief over the years. The following is a series of blogs I wrote along the way, which I hope may now provide an insight into the emotional roller-coaster often experienced after the loss of a loved one – offering empathy, advice, kind words and comfort as you continue your own personal journey. I wish you hope and much love along the way.

Peace be with you.

DMP

102 Not Out …

Happy Birthday Pops :)

April 26, 2020

I did not have any great plans but I did make his favourite dishes of food, some of which I had not cooked in more than three years. I had to ask my nephew’s wife, Deepa, for the recipe as I had forgotten! The day was lovely and sunny like today and it was so beautiful, and all I did was to run, read, write, cook and share some fond memories with those I am close to. It was perfect, a day my dad would have enjoyed just as much as I did.

With the lockdown we have all been forced to hit the emergency pause button. It is deeply sad to see so many lose their lives due to the Coronavirus. However, on a slightly lighter note, we have all been given this opportunity to stand back and reconfigure the greater purpose of our being.

The quiet roads, the community spirit and the sense that we are all in this together has in some ways brought a sense of unity amongst humanity. The air is much cleaner and wildlife is happier so we must ask what more can we do to live a more meaningful existence once the lockdown is lifted.

I have had the chance to run daily and do more yoga. I find more peace in this quiet and slow paced existence. This morning I met one of my neighbours walking with her dog and she said, ‘Isn’t it lovely,’ and I said, ‘Yes, it most definitely is.’ There is no doubt for some being in lockdown must be incredibly hard and very isolating. I volunteer with Silver Line who have joined up with Age UK. The common theme is we need to reach out and we need to connect more. People who are isolated need to feel they are not abandoned and they are not alone. One of the people I support actually said they were frightened of dying and that they had nobody to talk to about how they felt. I probed them to go deeper into what they felt and what this meant to them. I know I am no expert but why are we still shying away from talking about death and how we feel about it? Death, like birth, is part of our human existence we need to talk about it and also, if we can, we ought to celebrate the